‘Do you think Cassy is okay?’ Vee asked for the third time that morning.
They had wandered around the city, looking at the buildings, walking the streets. Lauren felt an incredible pressure to be impressive, to be fun. She knew she was more reserved, more quiet than Cass. She hoped Vee wasn’t bored with her. She kept stopping to offer ice cream. The first two times, Vee was thrilled. But now she was sick of ice cream and it didn’t distract her from the fact that Cass wasn’t there.
‘I’m sure she’s fine, she just needs to rest more. Travelling can make you tired,’ she swung her hand back and forth. ‘Don’t worry.’
‘Cassy said you’re going to take me to meet my daddy.’ That little face was intent, her eyes not leaving Lauren’s. She was exactly the same as her mother – winning was all about the eye contact.
Oh God. Not this, please not this. The idea of Darren getting to see Vee, judging her as too much like Cass, assessing her that way he used to Lauren, where his eyes scanned up and down looking for imperfections … it killed her. Or worse, he’d see himself in her, want to be part of her life. It was awful enough that her brain conjured images of them together, Cass and Darren, when she looked at Vee. The idea that he would get to know her was even more painful.
‘She said when you’re older you get to decide. Why do you call her Cassy and not Mum?’ She hoped the question would distract her. That much, she had learnt. There was no stopping questions, just pausing them and distracting with other ones.
‘That’s what I call her,’ Vee frowned, like it was obvious. ‘She’s my Cassy.’
‘You’ve never called her Mummy?’
Vee shrugged.
‘Shall we go see the gardens?’
Vee took Lauren’s hand and meandered along like she was tasked with keeping the adult happy.
‘What’s that?’
She followed the little girl’s pointing finger but couldn’t see anything beneath the bridge. ‘The water?’
‘No,’ Vee huffed, dragging her over to the side of the bridge and pointing at a small padlock. ‘This.’
‘Oh, people put locks on bridges,’ Lauren said.
‘Because they might get stolen?’
Lauren laughed, unsure if Vee was offering the same snarky response her mother would have, or asking a genuine question.
‘No, people lock their love in. They think of their loved one and put the lock there to show they’ll always love them. Then they throw the key in the water. If they ever wanted to be separated from their love, they’d have to swim and find the exact key to unlock it’ – she gestured at the number of locks on the railings – ‘which would be hard.’
Vee nodded. ‘Can I get one?’
Lauren grinned, ‘Have you got a crush on someone?’
‘No. Gross. I want one for Cassy,’ Vee said, ‘to lock her to me.’
Lauren opened her mouth to say something. Anything. That it didn’t work that way, or that she’d always have Cass with her inside her heart, or whatever. Everything sounded cheesy and awful.
‘Okay, we’ll find a lock before we go. I promise.’
‘Don’t tell her,’ Vee frowned, suddenly serious. ‘She won’t want me to lock her to a bridge.’
‘Um, it’s not—’
‘No telling.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because she’ll share one with you and not with me!’ Vee stamped her foot, her lips pursed and eyes wide. Daring her to argue.
For the first time, Lauren wondered what it felt like for Veronica, to meet someone who knew her mum longer than she had. Someone who had a history with her, before Blackpool. She thought back to Sandy’s warning about animals grouping into two, and three not being able to break that bond. They weren’t a three, they were two pairs – her and Cass, and Cass and Vee. The two halves of Cass’s life. Perhaps she wasn’t the only one afraid of being left on the outside.
‘Sweetheart, you know everything’s going to be okay, right?’
Vee looked up at her with the expression of a child who had heard the same line enough times to know better. She nodded like she knew she was supposed to, offering a smile that didn’t reach her eyes.
‘Can we go back and see if Cassy’s better?’
It was fear, Lauren realised. The jut of the bottom lip and the way she dragged her hand across her face. It was the same fear Lauren had whenever she left Cass alone – that when she went back she’d be gone, and never have a chance to say the things she needed to.
They’d never had a proper talk about what Veronica knew about her mother’s sickness. Did she understand what was happening? Was it all angel’s wings and sitting on clouds that she had in mind for her mother? Or was it incomprehensible, that much pain, when you were five?
‘Yeah okay,’ Lauren held out a hand, and she took it willingly, ‘she’s had a couple of hours to sleep, she might feel strong enough to see the gardens. We could book a cab to go there so she doesn’t have to walk much.’
Vee seemed to wave off details the same way her mother did – she didn’t mind how it happened, just that someone else was taking care of it.
By the time they reached the hotel, Vee was almost running, dragging Lauren behind her as she rushed to get to the room. Lauren reached to find the key card, then stopped. There was a terrible noise. A deep groaning sound that reverberated through the walls.
‘She’s hurt!’ Vee’s eyes widened as she looked at Lauren, expecting her to do something. ‘Cassy!’ Her little fists banged on the door, and Lauren tried to calm her, but she was insistent. She needed her mum.
The problem was, Lauren knew what those sounds meant. Or at least, she thought she did.
Vee snatched the key card from her and rushed in, only to stop dead as she stared at the tanned back facing them, unaware of the interruption.
Lauren grabbed Vee, spinning her away so she faced the front door.
Cass’s head peered around the strong silhouette and blinked, ‘Oh s … sugar plum fairies! You’re back early!’ She was drunk, if not something else, trying to sound cheerful even as the blood rushed to her face. She looked at the ceiling. ‘We’ll be done in just a minute, okay?’
The man seemed to take this as a sign to pick up his pace, so Lauren rushed Vee out the door, pulling it sharply behind them. ‘Let’s get some ice cream on the roof. You didn’t get to see the rooftop for breakfast!’
She kept up a steady stream of chatter, trying to keep Vee distracted whilst simultaneously stopping her from answering any questions. Thankfully Nuria was at the bar, serving lunch and drinks to a few groups dotted around at different tables.
‘Buenas tardes. Sorry, I’ll be with you soon. So busy! No idea where my stupid, lazy son is!’
I do, Lauren thought to herself, looking down at Veronica. Why did Cass always do this? It was such predictable behaviour. Losing herself in the nearest pretty boy with a neck tattoo or a dangerous smile. As they sat quietly, Lauren desperately trying to think of something to say to let that little girl unsee what she’d just seen, another child came over. She was all huge eyes and dark curly hair that she tugged at nervously.
‘Hola, soy Isabel,’ she said to Veronica, smiling as she explained that her grandmother had said she spoke Spanish, and would she like to come play with her puppy?
Veronica looked back at Lauren, not so much asking permission, but looking for direction. Should she go? Would that be easier? Lauren nodded gently.
‘I’ll come get you in a little bit.’
Nuria walked past, ‘My husband will watch them, don’t worry.’
Don’t worry. The easiest thing in the world to say. When most people worry, they overthink. Maybe they get a little nervous, or unable to eat. Butterflies and nausea. Worry was in your head, and yet it wasn’t. It was so clearly in your body.
When Lauren worried, her heart beat in her throat and her body flushed, on edge as if she didn’t know whether to run or fight. She stayed in that moment for what felt like hours, before getting up and stomping downstairs. She threw the door open, relieved to see Nuria’s son was getting dressed.
‘Get out!’ she yelled in Spanish, suddenly finding a whole vocabulary she didn’t even realise she had at her fingertips. ‘Fucking a woman in front of her child, you animal bastard! I’ll tell your mother!’
He snorted with amusement as he slid past her, blowing Cass a kiss.
‘I’ll put a great review on TripAdvisor!’ Cass called out as he closed the door behind him.
She burst out laughing, but even that appeared to be in slow motion. An easy, lazy sound as she stretched her arms above her head, the sheet slipping. It was uncomfortable to see her so thin, the sharp protrusion of her collarbone was like a cliff edge. She’d always been relaxed with her body, unbothered by what other people thought. It was a relief, in a way, to see that hadn’t changed, even as her appearance had. Which Lauren may have cared about if she wasn’t almost blacking out with rage.
‘Is Vee okay?’ Cass asked, eyes wide like it was absolutely no big deal.
‘Oh, you care, now, do you? What the fuck was that?’
‘Juan. Julio? Something with an “‘h”,’ Cass laughed. ‘Did you see that arse? Delicious. Glad I ticked that one off the list. And of course I care about my daughter, Loll, don’t be ridiculous.’
‘That’s what this was about? Fucking some nobody because we thought it would be a good idea at twenty-one?’
‘I thought it was a good idea today,’ Cass snorted.
‘And what, you’re high?’
Cass grinned like a Cheshire cat. ‘Some good shit.’
‘And what about Vee?’
Cass rolled her eyes. ‘Well if you’d stayed out and followed your bloody five-point plan, your hundreds of hours of castles and gardens and architecture, this wouldn’t have happened!’
‘So it’s my fault you pretended to feel ill so you could stay behind, get high and fuck some stranger?’
‘Ugh, Lauren, stop being so fucking boring. People have sex, okay? They smoke and drink and have flaws. They live.’ She stood up, pulling her dress over herself, before walking to the kitchen and pouring herself a glass of water, glugging the whole thing down.
‘She wanted to come home because she was worried something would happen to you,’ Lauren said. ‘She missed you. I kept trying to distract her. Maybe I would have tried harder if I’d known what she was coming back to.’
Cass ran a hand through her blonde bob, tugging at it.
‘I needed this, Loll. Surely you can see that?’
‘You needed me to look after your kid so you could act like a teenager again?’
‘Yes! Yes, I did. You wouldn’t understand. You don’t have kids.’
And there it was again, that little knife in her gut every time it was thrown in her face.
‘This has nothing to do with kids.’ Lauren felt her lip curl in disgust. ‘This is just you being you. Cassidy Jones, can’t figure out how to deal with her life, so it’s better to fuck whatever guy will have you, even if you have to be out of your head to do it. How many times has Vee had to see that? How many random men have been in and out of your house? I don’t know why I’d thought you had your shit together, you’re clearly the same as you always were.’
She could feel the rage growing, the need to say all the things she hadn’t said. But this wasn’t the time. It was too much.
‘And what’s that, Loll? Seeing as you know me so much? I’m a bitch? I’m a troublemaker? I’m a bad mother?’
‘You’re a slut.’
Cass blinked.
She looked honestly shocked, letting out a strange laugh that sounded as if it would fall down the stairs into a sob.
‘Well good for you for finally saying it, Loll. Knew you always thought it. Well done for having the balls to be honest, I guess.’
Lauren took a breath, exhaling sharply. ‘Look, I didn’t—’
‘Yeah. You did.’
The silence became a tableau: Lauren standing over a resplendent Cass, tapping her fingertips on the table. Cass seemed to be formulating a response, but struggled to find the words.
Eventually, she spoke. ‘Ask me when the last time I had sex was, Lauren.’
‘I’m not doing this.’
‘Because you don’t want the answer.’ Cass pulled out a chair at the table, gesturing for Lauren to sit opposite her. ‘I had sex two years ago. Barry introduced me to his nephew who was visiting. We went on a couple of dates. It was nice, we said goodbye as friends.’
Lauren didn’t say anything.
‘I didn’t want to bring anyone into her life when I knew mine was short. I wanted to give her everything I had of myself.’ Cass tried to catch Lauren’s eye, but Lauren refused. ‘But we’re near the end, Loll. And you know how much I just wanted to be held? Just wanted to be in that space with someone I fancied. You forget how, you know. You forget how to be attracted, forget how to see the world that way.’
Lauren didn’t say anything, but she joined her at the table.
‘I am a good mother. I did everything right. I did it the way I thought you’d do it, if you were her mum. You’ve been in my fucking head every day from the moment she was born, whispering in my ear. Don’t be a fuck-up, Cass, don’t be selfish. You destroyed everything for this, better make it worth it.’
‘Oh, Cass, look—’
Cass shook her head. ‘No, you wanted to talk about it, let’s talk about it. You wanted a baby, and I had one. I have lived every day knowing you probably would have done a better job. There were nights when she was sick and I was on my own, and I was tempted to drive over and leave her with you, so you could have what you wanted.’
‘Why didn’t you?’
‘Because the idea of being away from her feels like my guts are being ripped out.’ The light had changed, the potential of the day fading to the laziness of siesta time. Lauren wondered how Vee was, if she was having fun, if she was going to be scarred by all of this. ‘If I’d given her to you, none of this would have happened. I’d be alone, living a party lifestyle, and you’d have what you wanted. And we’d be even. Maybe I wouldn’t be sick.’
‘What on earth does that mean?’
Cass sighed. ‘Everything has a price, Loll. Every action has a consequence. I betrayed you, and I never repaid the debt.’
‘And that’s why you got cancer? Not genes, or chance or bad luck?’ Lauren resisted rolling her eyes.
‘Karma,’ Cass looked at her, unblinking, daring her to say otherwise.
‘You can’t honestly believe that? That you’re being punished?’
Cass’s shoulders drooped, as if all of the energy had escaped from her body. She was like a puppet, with no master. She looked to Lauren, tears in her eyes as she tried to smile, shoulder lifted in a half-shrug. ‘Who knows? But we can’t say I don’t deserve it, can we?’
‘No one deserves this, Cass. For goodness’ sake! Bad things don’t happen to bad people, and there isn’t some rule of the universe punishing you. If you were being punished, you wouldn’t have Veronica, would you? She’s wonderful. She’s a gift.’
‘That’s the worst punishment of all,’ Cass snorted, wiping her eyes. She jutted her chin, trying to compose herself. Within seconds, her face was a blank again.
Silence surrounded them, Lauren sitting opposite her, unsure of what to do next. Frozen.
‘What will you tell Vee about what she saw?’ she asked.
Cass winced, then seemed to brace herself, throwing her shoulders back. ‘I’ll tell her that when people are not well, sometimes they do silly things. And that even mums are human and make mistakes.’
Lauren twitched her lips.
‘That’s not enough? I know. But here’s what you need to learn – kids will accept mistakes if you’re honest with them. They’re understanding. They don’t hold a grudge. Not if you love them as much as you can.’
‘Shall I go get her then? Nuria will know where they are.’ Lauren wasn’t really sure what to do now the rage had left her.
Cass was in the wrong, she was sure of it. Acting like a teenager, with no worries as to what her daughter had seen or how it would affect her in the long run. She was so sure that she’d be forgiven, because she always had been. Cassidy Jones was infinitely lovable, and people forgave her without a second thought. Except Lauren. Lauren was the only one who never let it go.
‘I’ll go see if she wants to do something. Maybe we could pick up with your sightseeing plans?’
Lauren gave a shrug. She refrained from mentioning the hundred-point plan that Cass had hated merely moments ago. Apparently it was all squared away now. Nice and neat, the way Cass liked it. She got what she wanted, and you weren’t allowed to be angry with her.
Cass paused at the entrance to the bedroom, and even without lifting her head, Lauren could feel her eyes on her.
‘I am different now, you know. You remember me the way I was at the end, but if you could try to remember why we were friends in the first place, that might make this all a bit easier.’
Lauren forced herself to meet Cass’s eyes, but said nothing.
‘Sometimes, it’s really easy to believe that you hate me.’
Cass said it with an easy air, as if she knew it couldn’t possibly be true. Lauren sat at the table, wondering what that said about her if it was.