The afternoon was tense, the sun beating down like an unyielding reminder: just because something looks perfect, doesn’t mean it feels like it. Either way, Vee seemed okay, which was the only thing that mattered. She had, apparently, listened and understood, accepted the apology with a nod. But when they came back to their rooms, she went straight to the sofa to pick up Storm the husky toy, and took him over to Cass.
‘Say sorry to Storm too. You were lying on him.’
Lauren fought a smile and failed, as Cass turned a laugh into a cough.
‘You’re right, I’m very sorry, Storm. I did not mean to upset you, it was very rude of me. Aroo aroo, woof woof.’
She nodded at Vee. ‘Is that okay?’
‘I don’t know, I don’t speak dog.’ The little girl turned to the stuffed toy, ‘Is that okay?’
She lifted the dog’s nose to her ear and listened, nodding. ‘Storm says okay but he would like some chocolate.’
‘Hmm,’ Lauren said, ‘well, chocolate makes dogs sick, but maybe you could have his chocolate for him. Do you think he’ll mind?’
On this, apparently, Vee did not need to consult the toy dog. ‘He won’t mind.’
‘How fortunate,’ Cass replied. ‘Okay, let’s go on an adventure to eat some chocolate.’
The three of them wandered the city together this time, pointing out things, doing exactly what Vee wanted without question, and pretending that the awkward encounter of that afternoon had never happened. It seemed almost easy, but Lauren couldn’t help but notice that Vee stuck closer to her, reaching for her hand instead of Cass’s, directing her comments to her. If Cass noticed, she didn’t say anything.
The gardens were luscious and vibrant, each area leading to another palatial building. Lauren imagined kings and queens walking amongst the greenery, making plans or avoiding their daily lives for the shortest time. She listened to hints of phrases from the Spanish guides, and translated them back, before teaching Vee a song in Spanish, one of the few she remembered from her childhood.
‘My abuela, my grandmother, taught me that song,’ she told Vee as they wandered. ‘She was called Veronica too. It’s my favourite name.’
The little girl’s eyes lit up, before getting distracted by a little alcove in the corner and insisting they follow her.
‘Why did you name her that? Coincidence, spite?’ she asked Cass. ‘You knew what that name meant to me.’
Cass shook her head, adjusting her hat. ‘I’ll tell you, soon enough.’
‘Cryptic bullshit, wonderful.’ She checked to make sure Vee couldn’t hear her, ‘Saving all the bad stuff for your death bed? How very like you.’
‘Wahey, I’m glad we can joke about dying now, good stuff.’ Cass nudged her as they walked, trying to make it normal again. ‘I’ll tell you in time, I’m still trying to figure out how this all goes. How long before I can stop putting it off.’
‘Oh God, there’s not more secrets?’ Lauren said dramatically, hand against her forehead. ‘You’ve sold Vee into the circus where she’ll have to juggle husky pups? I’ll have to chase the circus down, bring her back and save the day? Because that sounds exhausting.’
‘But maybe still better than a day job?’ Cass said.
Lauren snorted, ‘Pickings are not so much slim as boring and unpleasant. I want to fight the power, not help rich people get richer.’
‘Don’t charities and places need lawyers to look over their files and check strategies? Some place that’s not a law office, but where your skills would be useful?’
‘I have excellent skills – my fingertips are impermeable against paper cuts. That’s got to count for something, right?’
Cass rolled her eyes. ‘I just mean … stop thinking about what you can’t do. But also, stop thinking that your job has to be this big thing that defines your life. It’s a way to make money so you can do things and survive. Your life’s passion can be something else. It can be volunteering, or creating something, or helping people.’
‘You weren’t passionate about your job?’
‘I enjoyed it, mainly for the people and the fact that I could count the good I’d done. By the end of each week I could tally up the people I’d helped, even if it was just making a cup of tea or listening to a scared mum or helping an old man fill out paperwork. I was trying to be good. To make up for some of the bad.’
‘I thought you didn’t believe in good and bad. Everything’s grey, everyone’s complicated.’
Cass pressed her lips together, trying to find the words. ‘When you’re faced with a deadline, you try to find some meaning in it all. Which is difficult because there is no fucking reason we’re here, except to live. So I tried to just focus on doing more good than damage.’
‘Suddenly worrying about the upstairs and downstairs scenario then?’
Cass shook her head. ‘If there’s some omnipresent, omnipotent deity, she’s smart enough to know that life is strange and people are stranger. I just … I’ve had things to make up for. So that’s what I’m trying to do.’
Lauren’s stomach clenched a little, though if it was at the idea of Cass feeling guilty, or Cass not being around, she wasn’t sure. The image of her in the hotel room, declaring her cancer was a punishment, her red eyes defiant, stayed in her mind. She always felt more than she showed. Lauren knew that. She’d always known that.
‘Well, next stop is the cathedral, so if you’re wondering about the big life things, I guess that’s the place.’
The Seville Cathedral was unlike anything else she’d ever seen. The balance of Gothic towers and strong structures, the brickwork in the sunshine, the pure hugeness of it all. Vee tilted her head up until she almost fell backwards.
‘That’s big.’
Lauren felt her voice echo. She meandered around in that way people did as tourists, not really sure where to commit her attention. There was so much to be in awe of.
She kept an eye on Vee, who made an effort not to wander too far, whilst staring up at the ceiling and spinning around. When Lauren looked for Cass, she found her at the back, lighting a candle, briefly closing her eyes.
She wondered if it was a wish for her health, for Vee, or for something else. Maybe there was still hope, somewhere.
Lauren sidled up next to Cass when she opened her eyes. ‘Making a wish?’ she whispered, facing forward.
‘Lighting a candle for Mum. She’s been on my mind a lot recently.’
It wasn’t hard to see why. She was making the same journey as Barbara, but was so desperate to walk a different path. She was going to keep her sense of humour, that much she’d promised. Lauren wasn’t sure she should expect that much. She knew how cruel Cass could be when she was in pain.
‘That makes sense.’ Lauren distracted herself by reaching into her pockets for euros, sticking them in the donation box and lighting a candle from Cass’s flame.
Barbara Jones had been an amazing woman. She was wild and free and endlessly fun. She wasn’t judgemental, and just accepted that everyone had their path in life, their role to play. She wanted everyone to thrive. On her fiftieth birthday, she went and got a tattoo on her bum because she said no one would believe her, and she’d get the chance to legitimately flash people to prove them wrong.
When she was nearing the end, she had asked Lauren to take care of Cass, to keep her close even when she was difficult, even when she pushed away. She knew her daughter would struggle.
And Lauren had failed her. She hadn’t gone to the funeral. Even though she’d known Cass would need someone, that she’d be hurting. It had all just happened, it was all still so raw. Barbara died, Cass betrayed her and she suddenly had to be the plucky best friend, the bigger person. If she had gone to that funeral, it would show that Cass could get away with anything and Lauren would still be there for her, like the pathetic little mouse she was. Like the shadow that couldn’t escape.
But still, she had thought about going. She got dressed in black, but dithered, pacing back and forth in the hallway until Darren yelled that she was damaging the flooring, and then offered to take her out for lunch to take her mind off it.
He wasn’t different at all after everything happened. That a week before the funeral he was calling Cass a liar, a troublemaker, someone broken who would drag Lauren down with her … it amazed her now. The gall of the man. To be so certain, so above reproach that he still had a go at her about the floorboards whilst she betrayed her friend for a second time.
He’d wanted her not to go, she saw that now. He even insisted she change clothes, something that wasn’t black, so she wouldn’t be tempted to stop in. He knew Lauren was a stickler for blending in and following the rules. She wouldn’t be so audacious as to turn up to a funeral in a red dress, so that’s what he cajoled her into wearing. God, she’d been an idiot.
Barbara was a good woman, and Cass had needed someone. It wasn’t the biggest regret out of all of this, but it was high on her list. She had been unyielding, and she had broken a promise.
‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered, half to the candle, half to Cass. ‘I’m really sorry.’
Cass didn’t move, the soft light from the flame making her hair angelic and her smile soft. She took her hand and squeezed.
‘I know. Me too.’
At that point, Vee came running over, summoning stern looks from the staff.
‘I want to go now, please,’ she said, back straight, voice echoing as she frowned. ‘Why is everyone whispering?’
‘Because that’s what everyone does when they think God is listening,’ Cass said loudly, reaching out a hand for her daughter, and striding out towards the doors. Lauren was left to follow behind, trying to ignore the looks from the priests and other tourists, aghast but also slightly pleased for the distraction.
They ambled down the streets, looking in shop windows, tantalised by sweet treats and swayed by pointless souvenirs. They asked Vee if she wanted anything, pointing her to the small flamenco dresses in bright colours with polka dots, or little dancer dolls. She shook her head, giving Lauren a look. Lauren tilted her head, trying to figure out what she was saying.
The little girl waited until she was sure her mother was looking at a shelf of shot glasses and pointed to a tray on another shelf. The look of irritation, that half-curved eyebrow and the thin lips, it was completely Cass. It almost made Lauren want to cry, that perfect impersonation that had happened naturally. It was like stepping back in time, an expression that moved through generations. She wondered if Barbara had done it too but she’d never seen her exasperated.
‘Aunt Loll!’ Vee hissed, jabbing her finger. Ah, she saw it now.
She nodded, picking up the padlock and taking it to the counter, grabbing a couple of bottles of water and a bar of chocolate to disguise her purchase. Vee, at last, looked relieved, nodding in approval.
Oh God, what if she thought the lock would stop Cass dying? Had she just completely derailed a child’s development and grief processes? What if she was responsible for Vee’s life going completely off track, all because of this moment where a grown-up lied to her about having control over death?
She could hear Cass’s voice in her head: Stop worrying, kids are kids. They do okay if you love them. Stop overthinking. You always get anxious when you overthink. There had been so many panic attacks and anxious moments that Cass had weathered with her, holding her so tight that Lauren could relax into the tension. She had felt held, and safe, and loved, with Cass’s voice tickling her ear and telling her she was going to be okay.
But after everything happened, it seemed unfair to conjure Cass’s voice in her head, like summoning an imaginary friend who you didn’t really believe in anymore.
Instead, she’d plodded on alone, no other voice to cancel out the ones telling her she was a failure, she was difficult, she was all alone. Life had been difficult without Cass, but even harder without her voice.
The panic attacks had been worse when Cass was gone. Debilitating, she supposed. She’d tried to hide them as best she could from Darren. He saw it as weakness, her choice to overthink, to worry, to make things complicated. Her mum had been the same too. She was just trying to be smart, and that made her break down. She just needed to think less, they said.
It was always wonderful to be told she was responsible for her own body turning on her. That it was her trying to be perfect, to get attention, to make everything a big deal. It was easier to disappear into bathrooms and say she had a bad stomach, or go up to bed and say she had the flu. They still called her weak, but at least it was her constitution, and not her mind, they were worried about.
Cass had always been the voice that calmed her. The one she kept with her, in her back pocket for times of trouble. She had missed that voice, almost as much as its flesh and blood counterpart. Maybe even more so.
‘Hey, Loll, over here,’ Cass waved her over to the shop window. ‘Señorita Veronica has a task for you.’
Lauren turned to the little girl, smiling up with a cherubic grin.
‘Oh dear.’
Cass nodded, her smile matching her daughter’s. ‘Yup.’
‘Auntie Loll, I think you need to buy that dress,’ Vee pointed up at the display window to the yellow strappy dress with little white and pink flowers. The skirt flowed out a little, and Lauren could already see how it would swish as she walked. She would put a pink flower in her dark hair, and she would walk with her back straight, head high, not shying away as people looked at her when she passed.
Lauren had a hundred pieces of clothing like that in her wardrobe – transformative ones, ones she bought when she was sure they would turn her into a different person. But whenever she put on that gorgeous dress, or that patterned skirt or that colourful top, no matter how good it looked, she got that sick, shaky feeling in her stomach that told her people would be looking at her. They’d notice her and judge her and dismiss her. It was easier to be invisible.
‘Oh, sweetie, I don’t think it’s my style.’
Vee was unimpressed, and shook her head, hands on hips. ‘Sorry, Auntie Loll, but that dress is for you and you have to have it. Storm says so.’
‘Storm’s in the hotel room,’ she snorted.
‘I can read his mind.’ Vee was not to be argued with.
Cass cut in, ‘Come on, Loll, just try it on for us, what’s the harm? Maybe it’s time to shine, right?’
‘Is it?’ she asked, searching Cass’s eyes. The old Cass would know what this meant, how she hated being put on display. But maybe she didn’t know how much worse it had gotten without anyone to push her boundaries or hush her fears with gentle words.
Cass reached out and squeezed her hand. ‘Loll, it really, really is.’
The dress looked wonderful, as she was sure it would. It fit perfectly, but Lauren felt incredibly on show, even as she twirled for the two of them in the changing room.
‘It’s perfect!’ Vee clapped her hands.
‘The thing is, with a dress like that …’ Cass sighed, ‘it’s really your duty to go dancing.’
‘Dancing?’
‘Dancing!’ Cass shimmied a little, laughing. ‘Come on, Loll, you remember how, don’t you? You’re about to be thirty, not seventy.’
God, Lauren had loved to dance. She loved to move to the beat and ignore everyone else around her. She loved to look across the room when a certain song came on and find Cass’s eyes. Then she’d disentangle herself from whichever boy she’d been with that night and make her way over to Lauren, and they’d laugh and sing along and twirl under the other’s arms, clasping each other tightly.
‘I’ve missed dancing.’
‘We’ll ask Nuria about somewhere with live music. And you will have your dress, Cinderella. My treat.’
‘No. No treats. I’ll buy it.’
Cass shook her head. ‘If you buy it, you can justify not wearing it. I’ve only got a few deathbed cards, don’t make me waste one if I can get away with guilt tripping instead. Much less bad juju for guilt trips.’
Lauren huffed and made snarky noises as she went back into the changing cubicle, handing the dress out from behind the curtain. Secretly, she was thrilled. Cass still knew her. Still knew what she would and wouldn’t do in a situation.
When she walked out to the shop floor, Vee and Cass were already finished, holding out the bag to her.
‘I’m going to wear my green and gold dress tonight,’ Vee nodded, ‘and Cassy is going to wear her pink one. Colours and pretty!’
Vee walked in between the two of them, holding a hand of each, so that they walked like a family, crossing through town looking at everything, stopping to take photos. Cass asked a stranger to take a photo of them all together on the bridge, smiling stiffly, their arms around each other. It was then that Vee remembered the lock.
‘Me and Auntie Loll need to go over there,’ she said, dragging her a few feet away from Cass and whispering, ‘we need to do the lock!’
‘You want me to ask your mum to go back to the hotel? Or do you want me to distract her a few minutes so you can lock it?’
Vee pressed her lips together, clearly thinking.
‘She can stay.’
‘I thought you didn’t want her to know?’ Vee shook her head, and Lauren sighed, kneeling down. ‘Sweetheart, I don’t know what you want from me. You need to tell me, and I’ll do it.’
Vee looked up from beneath her lashes. ‘You can be on it too. All of us.’
‘No, Vee, it’s for you and your mum, I wouldn’t take that away.’
Vee simply shook her head. ‘Can I have the pen, please?’
So she’d noticed the big marker Lauren had bought with the lock. She handed over both, then walked back to Cass.
‘What’s going on here?’
‘Vee wanted to put a lock on the bridge,’ Lauren’s words sounded heavier than they needed to be. Lighten up, Loll, not everything’s so serious. She could hear Cass’s thoughts as clear as anything, and it was a relief when she looked at her face and saw that exact expression.
‘Declaring her undying love for Storm the snow dog?’
‘No, for you.’
‘Oh,’ Cass’s lips twitched once, and then she pressed them together, her eyes blinking furiously. ‘I’m not ready for this yet, Loll.’
‘Just pretend it’s for Storm, okay? Besides, apparently I’ve been added to the list. I wasn’t allowed on before.’
‘That’s because she knows I’m going to haunt you until you come hang out with me,’ Cass snorted, nudging Lauren as they walked over. ‘But I’m gonna be a self-actualising ghost; instead of scaring you, I’m just going to make you do things that scare you.’
‘Ooh, a ghost for a new age, so selfless, such a blessing.’ Lauren rolled her eyes and tried not to think of growing old and being alone. Was that worse than dying young and beautiful? Probably not to Cass.
‘Well, missy, what are we doing?’ Cass knelt down and looked at the lock, grasped tightly in Veronica’s hand. She was delicate in her penmanship; the simple V + C + L with a heart below it looked neat and precise. She had copied a nearby lock for inspiration with the heart.
‘Shall I help you lock it, baby?’ Cass took the lock gently, turning the key until it clicked, taking direction on placement from Vee. She held it as the little girl clicked it into place. Lauren stood back, watching the moment, wondering if she should take a photograph, if Vee would want this moment recorded. She decided against it, feeling too much like an interloper already. Cass held Vee up so she could throw the key into the water, kissing her cheek as she lowered her to the ground.
They peered over the edge, waiting for the sound of the key hitting the water. ‘There we go, we’re tied together forever.’
Vee nodded, clearly unsatisfied. Perhaps she had hoped for sparkles or fanfare, or some sort of sign that a magical document had been signed, an unbreakable promise had been made. Instead, other tourists walked by, traffic continued and the view of the sunset, beautiful as it was, could not be called magic.
There was nothing the adults could offer Veronica, except a hand from each of them as they walked back to the hotel, lost in their own thoughts.
*
‘Dancing? You want to go dancing?’ Nuria clapped her hands, ‘I tell you where to go dancing. The best places for young pretty ladies.’
‘Um … young pretty ladies with a little one?’ Lauren corrected.
Nuria was tidying the reception as she spoke, so Lauren tracked her movements, following her around the room. Cass had taken Vee for a nap, and she was desperate for one herself, but it was their last night in Seville, and she needed to make sure it was perfect.
‘Family friendly. Good food, live music? Not a club or anything. We’re …’ she struggled for the Spanish equivalent. ‘We’re old at heart.’
‘Young people acting like old people,’ Nuria huffed, ‘a waste!’
Lauren’s eyes slid to the floor and Nuria must have remembered what she knew about Cass.
‘Lo siento, I’m sorry, I forgot. You want time with Veronica, of course. I have a place.’
Nuria’s suggestion was only a few steps from the hotel, down winding back paths and out into a surprising courtyard. They followed her through, and were handed over to the waiter, who spoke in rapid Spanish with Nuria, before grinning at them.
‘Please, this way.’ He led them through as Nuria waved goodbye and shuffled back off to the hotel.
Lauren usually felt awkward and on show whenever she wore colour, but with Vee and Cass walking behind her, she felt like her brightness was a uniform. She got to be one of the beautiful ones this evening, and there wasn’t that awful knot in her stomach telling her to go home and change into something dark. She had spent so long trying to be invisible, and yet it was just like it had been when they were younger – when she was with Cass, it felt okay to share a little of the light. Just enough to feel the warmth on her face.
They were seated in the courtyard, under a canopy of flowers and fairy lights, and as they were poured wine, Lauren sat back and allowed herself to feel completely at ease. Everything had been so tense, walking on eggshells around Vee and Cass, trying desperately to ignore how this whole thing would end. Ignoring the regret of all the years lost, and the anger at how everything had turned out. The shame of her own decisions and the part they had to play.
Instead, she sat in a beautiful restaurant with her friends, and listened as Vee chattered away about Isabel, Nuria’s granddaughter, and the new words she’d learnt in Spanish.
The food was delicious, tapas followed by huge dishes of paella with crisp citrus bringing the seafood to life. They drank and laughed, and everything was easy. There was one moment where Cass looked over, flushed with the wine and the sun, and smiled at her. A smile that spoke of gratitude and relief. Isn’t this wonderful, aren’t you glad we’re here? Aren’t we lucky?
Lauren felt like she was taking a snapshot. That smile would sit like a carefully crafted Polaroid, in the vault of her memories, awakened every time she thought of Seville. The band started not long after Vee conceded defeat on her ice cream sundae. She was flagging a little, having barely napped that afternoon, but immediately perked up at the sight of the band, clapping along with the music.
Couples had already made their way to the space in front of the band, dancing salsa to the rhythm, holding each other close. Lauren tapped her heels on the floor, fighting the urge to get up and dance. Cass had pulled Vee onto her lap and was nodding along gently. She looked completely relaxed. Lauren couldn’t remember a version of Cass without tension. Sure, it was usually a chaotic, frenetic tension, one that could mean fun or fear or anything in between. But she was never completely satisfied, as she seemed now.
As Lauren looked across the courtyard to the band, she accidentally made eye contact with a man standing at the back. He smiled at her, and she looked away. Oh God, would he think she was flirting? That she wanted attention? She just wanted to dance and enjoy her time. She didn’t want anything from anyone. She kept looking down at the table, rather than risk making eye contact again.
‘Hola,’ the voice came from above her. She turned to Cass, who grinned and pointed upwards.
He was barely twenty-two, if that. But tall and broad, with a lovely smile.
‘English?’
‘Español …’ she started, then smiled, wriggling her hand to suggest ‘just a little’.
‘¿Bailamos?’ he pointed at the couples already moving back and forth.
Lauren looked to Cass in search of rescue, or an excuse. And yet, there was a thrill in the turnaround. All those years that Lauren sat on the sidelines whilst Cass was approached by hopeful men who looked at her like she was magic. Now, finally, someone saw her first. And Cass seemed pleased for her. No loss, no jealousy, no regret. Instead she cuddled her daughter and said, ‘Go on then! It’s just a dance!’
Lauren grinned awkwardly, taking the man’s hand as he led her to the dance floor, twirling her into a start position. She hoped she could remember how to move. God, he was beautiful, all dark hair and intense eyes. They started rocking to the music, and Lauren suddenly felt like a teenager again. She moved to the rhythm, grinning as she twirled, as the man pulled her close, then pushed her away. It was invigorating, to dance, to be free completely.
They carried on, through a few different songs, Lauren turning to wave back at Cass, beckoning them up on the dance floor. Cass shook her head, soft smile on her face as she pointed at the sleeping child on her lap. How strange, to be the one looking back from the dance floor, the one to be sweaty and exhilarated, having the time of her life. It was addictive. Eventually, she pushed her dance partner away, thanking him and kissing him on both cheeks.
‘That was wonderful,’ she said, collapsing into the chair and downing a glass of water.
‘Yes,’ Cass smiled, stroking her daughter’s hair as she slept, ‘it really was. And you ticked it off the list. Dance with a stranger.’
‘I’d even forgotten that was on the list!’
‘Don’t worry, babe, I’m planning it all out so we don’t miss the good stuff,’ Cass winked, reaching for her glass of wine.
‘Tomorrow we’re onto the next leg of the journey. How you feeling about seeing Uncle Jack?’
‘Excited,’ Cass said, ‘nostalgic. I guess I wonder what life would have been like if I went with him all those years ago, when Mum died. If we’d be proper Aussies, barbecuing and snorkelling and surfing. Would have been a different life.’
‘Do you regret it?’
Cass shook her head. ‘I just wish Vee could have got to know them a bit more. The life he offered us was a good one. Maybe it was unfair for me to deny her that.’
‘You raised her alone when you could have had help. Don’t think it was easy for you either.’
Cass shook her head, looking down at her daughter with tenderness.
‘It was penance. It was what had to be done,’ she whispered, before shrugging it off and sipping at her wine. ‘Besides, you know me, always been a little bit psychic. I’ve known how all this would end a long time ago.’
‘You knew we’d be sitting in Spain together?’
Cass nodded slowly. ‘I just thought it might have been a few years earlier. Cutting it a bit fine, babe. Making it the last hurrah.’
‘Well, I always was a little slow. But the timing came right in the end.’
‘Yeah, if Darren hadn’t left, you might never have got a letter. You wouldn’t have known about me or Veronica. Nothing would have changed. Guess we have one thing to thank the bastard for.’
‘Two,’ Lauren said, her eyes on Vee.
‘Two,’ Cass agreed.