Imagine the longest flight you can, with a usually angelic child who has fast become grouchy, tired and bored. Then imagine you’ve been seated separately from your travelling companions, and no one will swap with you. Then realise you’ve been seated next to a perfectly nice theologian professor called Frederick who keeps quoting bible passages and talking about how death is merely a state of being, and that the air stewards ran out of ice cream sandwiches just before they reached you. Imagine all of that, and you’d be somewhere in the realm of Lauren’s pain.
The problem with Fred was that he wasn’t even quoting the full verses and giving her context, he just kept saying, ‘Matthew, 21: 45,’ or things like that, even though she’d made it clear she wasn’t religious. It was tempting to pretend to be asleep – which was one of the few options left because he kept talking through her choice of movie and tapping her on the shoulder to ask her things she couldn’t possibly know about the flight.
Unfortunately, hovering on the edge of sleep left her half dreaming. Memories of Cass in the early days merged with the ones later on, when it was all drunkenness and tears, begging for forgiveness. It left Lauren unsettled, not sure which lifetime she was in whenever she woke. She dreamed of her mother, telling her she’d never do any better than Darren, and that she should try not to expect the world. She dreamed of a grown-up Veronica, her hair long like Cass’s was, as she stood outside a club with a cigarette. She looked her square in the eye as she said, ‘You’re not my mother,’ and Lauren awoke in tears. It was not a restful flight.
When they eventually touched down in Cairns, she could swear she’d been flying for a week. Time didn’t seem to exist. She wasn’t even sure what day it was.
Vee wobbled a little against her in the queue for customs. ‘Auntie Loll?’ she mumbled, clutching Storm to her chest.
‘Yes, sweetness?’
‘Do we have to do that again to go home?’
Lauren winced. ‘Try not to think about it. That is a problem for future-us.’
Cass laughed. ‘Let’s live our lives that way. Much better idea. Future-Cass can worry about clean knickers.’
Vee frowned. ‘That’s rude.’
Cass raised an eyebrow at Lauren. ‘Ah see, look, I have a parental teaching moment.’ She knelt down in front of her daughter. ‘Pumpkin, as long as you are not upsetting someone kind, or causing someone pain, I don’t want you to ever worry about being rude. You tell the truth, you speak your mind, and you be heard, okay?’
Vee looked at her quizzically, then shrugged. ‘Okay.’
‘Also knickers is a funny word, so enjoy it … oh, and also it’s only rude because the patriarchy makes us feel like feminine things are embarrassing and have to be spoken in hushed tones …’ She shook her head, making a face. ‘Don’t worry about it, I’ll write it all down. There’s too much teaching to cram into an airport line.’
She struggled to get up again, reaching out to Lauren for support.
Lauren looked at her, exhausted. ‘Now was the time for “knickers are about the patriarchy”? Really? You didn’t want to start with why people go to war, or how complicated the concept of truth is?’
‘It’s not that knickers are about the patriarchy, Loll. We’re raising a girl here. We know how shitty it is to be a girl. I don’t want her to be the quiet one who doesn’t put her hand up even though she knows the answer. I want her to demand to be heard and not be ashamed of how smart she is. I want her to go for every opportunity open to her, and when she finds ones that aren’t, I want her to bang on the door until they open up or cave in.’
Cass looked a bit winded, and Vee looked up at her in a sort of bemused wonder, shaking her head and offering her mother a one-armed hug.
As they stood waiting for the luggage, Lauren suddenly realised. Cass had said they were raising a girl. They were in it, the two of them together, and how she wished it would last. She had a role to play here, one that mattered. But they were in Australia, the last chunk of their journey, and time was running out.
*
Jack was just how he’d been all those years ago. A charmer, a gambler, a friendly drunk and someone who made eye contact just a little too frankly.
‘Well, hey there, poppet!’ He waved his board that read Cassidy Jones and Co. He wore a light T-shirt, khaki shorts and a baseball cap, rushing in to hug Cass. He held her tight, almost picking her up. ‘Goodness, we need to feed you up, kid! And this must be Miss Veronica. I’m your Great Uncle Jack.’
Vee blinked, smiling tiredly. ‘Hello. Do you have any dogs?’
Jack didn’t even blink. ‘Yes, I have three.’
‘I like dogs.’
Cass snorted, holding Vee against her, stroking her hair. ‘I think she’s a little punch-drunk from the flight. Although she’s right, she does love dogs.’
Jack turned his attention to Lauren, who wasn’t expecting to be remembered.
‘Hi, I’m—’
‘Lauren, of course. I remember you, girl, it wasn’t that long ago.’ He gave her a hug, before reaching for their bags. ‘I tried for ages to get Cass to move out here, and she said she had to be around for you, she couldn’t leave just yet. And now you’re here together!’
He started wheeling the cases to the exit, chattering away about the weather as he packed everything into the car. Lauren watched Cass, trying to imagine why she would have had to be around for her, back then. They weren’t even in contact. She and Vee might have had a nice life out here. Surrounded by family and people who loved them.
We have a family, we are a family, she could hear Cass in her head again, being contrary. For her, the ragtag group of neighbours and the quiz team were family too. And considering how much they emailed and messaged, how Paul checked in and passed on their news, it seemed they felt that way too. Sandy had even softened towards her now she saw how happy Cass was. She’d said her aura looked blue instead of a muddy grey. A big compliment, apparently.
Cairns flew by as they exited the airport, Jack talking about all the things they could do, catching Cass up on what her cousins were doing, and who would be at the house. She sat in the front, seeming to genuinely enjoy being with her uncle, and Vee sat in the back with Lauren, resting her head on her leg, reaching for Lauren’s hand and making her stroke her hair, guiding her to do what she wanted.
Lauren carried on absentmindedly, finding herself completely calm all of a sudden. The world had melted away to the sound of Cass’s laughter and teasing, and Vee’s soft snores on her leg as she stroked her hair.
‘Lauren, what about you, poppet?’ Jack called from the front.
‘Sorry, what?’
‘Jack said how did we feel about scuba diving tomorrow? He’ll take us to the Great Barrier Reef.’
The thought of being encapsulated in a wet suit, her oxygen kept in a separate location from her lungs, made her chest feel like it was caving in. It was getting hard to breathe just thinking about it. Oh, but it would be beautiful. It would be an awful thing to miss, like going to Paris and never seeing the Eiffel Tower.
Don’t be a scaredy-cat, she told herself firmly, willing herself to say yes. She didn’t want to be left out. She didn’t want to sit on the sidelines whilst everyone else had fun. That was how it had always been until this adventure. Now, there was this strange feeling that she could be the main character in her own life. That she had a responsibility to do so.
She felt the panic settling around her in the way it always had. The questions threatened to drown her. What if one of them died? What if they got caught on something and the oxygen ran out? What about Vee?
Cass’s voice cut through the fog. ‘Hey, Loll, how about snorkelling instead? We can paddle off the side of the boat, stick our heads in, still see lots of gorgeous stuff?’
Lauren’s breath returned, and she looked up to see Cass smiling over her shoulder at her.
‘You should dive though, if you want. I bet it’s beautiful.’
‘No, this is our trip together. Plus, there’s lots to learn, and I’d worry about Vee and you. Let’s just snorkel.’
How easily Cass could dismiss things with a casual shoulder shrug, as if being fearful wasn’t something to be ashamed of. It was a relief, though, to be allowed to say no because Cass had. She was scared for a moment that Cass would push her into it, saying that she needed to learn and experience and grow.
As she watched Cass sit back in her seat, it was clear her energy was failing, and not just from the flight. She had a grey tinge and her brow was always half-furrowed. Things were getting worse, and Lauren wondered how long she was going to be able to keep jollying along. She knew how Cass got when she was hurting. Even a bout of the flu when they were studying led her to be a sharp-tongued, ungrateful nightmare. She was dreading the end, seeing how cruel she might become.
Lauren knew that Barbara had done her best but had twisted into bitterness and anger. She was relieved she’d never seen her after her ‘going away party’, as Babs had called it. One last hurrah, with expensive canapés and the best champagne, gorgeous young men hanging on her every word, everyone taking pictures and dancing and having the best time. Lauren remembered sitting on the bench in the back garden with Cass, sharing a cigarette and looking in at the party. Everyone was so beautiful, so effortlessly interesting.
‘Do they know what this party is for?’ she’d asked, unable to comprehend anyone being that happy to say goodbye to someone they loved. ‘Do they think it’s a normal going away party?’
Cass had stared into the house, her eyes hard as her mother threw back her head and laughed, gesturing for her glass to be topped up.
‘Knowing Mum, probably. I had to pay two hundred quid to a professional make-up artist this afternoon, because she wouldn’t stop crying about how she looked. Everything had to be perfect.’
After that one perfect night, Barbara Jones had locked herself away in that hospice like she was Rumpelstiltskin, protecting her memory like it was gold.
Cass was the only one to visit, and the more she visited, the more she cared for her mother, the more Babs resented her. The crueller she became. She would scream at her to let her die, to stop witnessing her disappearance. Cass would go out, get broken and drunk. Lauren would collect her from a club, or a stranger’s house, and Cass would get up in the morning and return to Barbara’s side.
The cycle continued for months. And when everything ended, when Babs was gone and Cass had betrayed her and Lauren was stubborn for the first time in her life … it was too broken to fix. It was too much to expect that Cass would deal with this any better than Barbara. Lauren was waiting for Cass to turn on her, to make her the punching bag her mother had made her. That was the point of all this, wasn’t it? That Lauren would be her witness at the end. Too maudlin, Cass’s voice inside her head said, so boring. God, she needed to sleep.
Jack’s home was large, one of those strange Australian creations up on stilts that made Lauren worry about exactly what kind of dangerous critter was waiting beneath. When they pulled up, he honked the horn twice and a miniature horde emerged from the front door, all loud and enthusiastic as they approached.
Cass turned back and laughed. ‘Well, that’s quite the welcome!’
Dolores, Jack’s wife, was blonde and petite, but she looked like she could go out hunting in the bush and return with something to cook for dinner. She waved firmly, a big grin as she beckoned everyone down to the car. Their kids were mid-to-late twenties, and Lauren recognised the son, Jason, who’d come over to Barbara’s party. He had shorter hair now, but still looked the same as he did then – oversized T-shirt and long shorts like a skateboarder. He held a toddler in his arms who wriggled to get free. The other two, Lissa and Annie, introduced themselves as they got out of the car. Annie held her baby girl in a sling across her front, and Lauren’s stomach flipped a little with jealousy.
‘This is Dot.’ Annie lifted the baby’s white sunhat, only managing to reveal her fair hair and the tip of her nose before placing it back again. ‘Don’t start Mum off on the name, she’ll be here all day.’
Lissa’s son Taylor was around Vee’s age, and he immediately wanted to show her his treehouse. His mother tried to gently explain what jetlag was, but Vee seemed revived by being surrounded by so many people, all of whom were thrilled to meet her.
Lauren suddenly realised Vee had probably never seen so many family members before – in fact, she hadn’t seen any. It was just her and Cass, the same way that, mostly, it had been Cass and Babs. They’d both carved families out of friends and co-workers and the people you met on the street by the boardwalk.
It was clear the little girl was overwhelmed by how many people wanted to know her. Taylor dragged her off to the treehouse, and Jason handed Lauren his child so he could get their bags out of the car. She froze, holding the little boy, who looked at her in surprise, before grinning at her.
Oh God, her chest hurt. She’d wasted all that time with Darren, and now she was about to be a thirty-year-old divorcee. Dating had changed, it was all online now. All taps and swipes while you found someone who seemed perfect then sent you a picture of their penis at 8 a.m. on a Friday. Oh God, she was going to have to start all over again.
Lauren held the toddler close, rocking him back and forth as they went into the house for tea. She sneakily kissed his forehead as they sat down at the table, Jack introducing everyone and explaining their plans for the next few days.
Thankfully, dinner was served early, as the three of them were swaying in their seats by the evening. It had been warm, full of laughter and friendliness, sharing memories of Cass’s mother and growing up.
Jack had stories about Cass too; how feisty and determined she was as a child, the time she broke her leg because she was ‘learning to fly’ like a superhero, or the detention she got for making the school bully cry. It was a balm to hear about these different sides of Cass, and Vee listened with an intense interest. Lauren knew she was looking for these traits in herself.
It wasn’t clear if Jack knew why they were there, if he knew anything about Cass’s current state beyond being a bit thin and pale. She must have told them, surely?
The dinner reminded Lauren of her own family, but without the tension. Food was passed around, gossip was shared, compliments given freely as if expected. It almost made her uncomfortable, how easy everything was.
It was when she saw Cass looking around though, suddenly surrounded by people who cared about her and her daughter, that Lauren put the pieces together. Cass wanted Vee to live in Australia.
Of course. They were her only family. They already loved her, there were other kids around, a huge support system. Vee could be happy here, exploring and wandering, letting her curiosity lead her to new places. There would be no worries about Darren, no disappointing British coastline. There was colour here, and Lauren was starting to see the importance of that.
Still, the realisation hurt, like picking off a scab only to find it hadn’t fully healed. Blood pouring everywhere – she would lose Cass, and then she would lose Vee. Except it wasn’t about her, she reminded herself, stabbing at her potato with her fork and distracting herself with chewing. If this was what was best for Vee, then she had to support them both. Cass was making a big decision. She’d only stayed in England that long for her anyway, apparently.
That night she couldn’t shake it off, though. She lay in one of the guest bedrooms (available now that all the kids were grown up) and heard Vee and Cass’s quiet voices in the room next door as she stared at the ceiling. It felt weird to be sleeping away from them; she had become so accustomed to their breathing, their sleepy snuffles, or the gentle nudges from Vee as she whispered that she needed a drink, please. The same was true when they were at uni, and Cass would come bounding into her bed after a night out, or if she’d had a bad dream, or if it was particularly cold and they refused to put the heating on. Cass became a regular presence in Lauren’s room, her hair brushing against Lauren’s face, or her pointy elbows digging into ribs. It had been automatic, unquestioned.
And now Lauren felt alone again.
She could hear Cass singing gently, the quiet plucking of the ukulele alongside. She longed to go in there, to sit with them and snuggle up, like the family she’d become a part of. A group. A pack.
But it didn’t seem right, to intrude on those moments when Vee would have so few of them left with her mother.
Instead, Lauren got out her sketchbook, and continued drawing wolves. She’d found a strange calm in it – the pointy ears and soft furry stomachs, the strong legs and tails with a flick. She drew them hungry and dangerous, fangs bared. She drew them gentle, playful, more like dogs, with mothers guarding pups, or pulling sleds. She drew them in the snow, relaxed but watchful. A pack, she’d told Cass all those years ago. Possibly the only time she’d been the strong one, pulling Cass out of the darkness. We’re a pack, we’re together, we’re never alone. When this was all over, she was going to be alone again. But this wasn’t about her.
*
Lauren still wasn’t quite herself by the time they went out on the boat the next day. She’d sat at the kitchen table and watched as this family came together to cook breakfast, to chat even more than they had the night before. They were all so colourful, so vibrant, and Vee was the star of the show, their most revered guest. Did she want blueberry pancakes? Did she want a chocolate milkshake? Had she tried this fruit, did she want seconds? They had to know, Lauren told herself, they had to see this as an audition. There was no way anyone was this hospitable.
She felt herself withdraw a little, blaming jetlag and tiredness. She could get away with that for a few days, at least. They were only staying for a week anyway, before moving on to the surf camp Cass had insisted on. She looked a little fragile, but she was hiding it well. Every time she looked at her, Lauren remembered another thing she wanted to say to Cass, another moment she wanted to recount. She wanted to fill her in on all the moments she hadn’t been there for, read her all the text messages she hadn’t sent. But there wasn’t time, and the shadow of what had happened sat like a barrier. Eventually, they would have to talk about it. About Darren, about everything. Until they did, they couldn’t be close again. But the fear of what would be unleashed, the possible cruelty and loss, how everything would be ruined … it was almost too much to bear.
She tried, instead, to be inspired by the Jones girls, and carry on with the colour she’d embraced in Seville that night, unafraid of being seen. If anything, it was becoming easier. She wanted to scream, ‘I’m here, don’t forget me, I’m part of this too.’
Where this came from was unclear – Jack had been more than welcoming, she was never left out of a conversation. There was nothing there that she wasn’t offered. But she wasn’t family. Not anymore.
The boat ride was gorgeous. They sat on aquamarine waters that twinkled in the sunlight, the boat bobbing up and down as they made their way to the spot Jack recommended. Vee was so alive here, so full of energy, as if something had been lifted. She was so distracted by all these people, all these new experiences and possibilities and colour, that she forgot to remember her mother might be gone soon.
‘Okay, here we are,’ Jack announced, coming round to hand out masks and snorkels. ‘Now, we operate with respect for that world down there. No taking things, no trying to touch animals or coral or anything else you find. Just watch and be happy, right?’
‘Right,’ they nodded their agreement.
Cass gave her a look, raising an eyebrow and tilting her head. Lauren recognised that look – a quiet check that she was okay, that she didn’t feel pushed into doing something she wasn’t comfortable with. That look felt like a caress, a loving cuddle. She had seen it so many times when they were younger. She’d missed someone looking out for her.
Lauren held out a hand for the goggles. ‘Excited to tick something off the list?’
‘I even came prepared!’ Cass held up an underwater camera.
The sea was warmed by the sun, and Lauren immediately felt calm as she trod water, trying not to think about how vast and deep the ocean was, and what might lie below. There was too much to worry about, it was best if she didn’t think of anything at all.
Instead she stayed close to Cass and Vee as they floated along, bums floating but faces down in the water. The world beneath the surface was magical, there was no escaping it. The colours seemed beyond bright, in a way she’d never imagined was possible. She never really swam when she went away with Darren. He always picked places that were by the sea, but with pools that were safer. The water always seemed like something to look at, rather than venture into.
The coral was unbelievable, and Lauren felt a distinct sadness that humans had destroyed something so wonderful. She watched as shoals of brightly coloured fish swam by, and poked Vee to get her attention, pointing after them. Cass waved back and forth, then pointed and they both swam after her, almost going into the back of her when she stopped. It was hard to tell what she was looking at, and it was only when Lauren lifted her head and saw other swimmers crowding around that she put her face back in the water in the right direction. The turtle swam right by her, nimble and carefree as humans took photographs and pointed at it. It knew it belonged there, it was accustomed to the visitors.
Lauren felt herself smiling, and then realised she was letting water into her mouthpiece. As she bobbed back up to the surface, she took the chance to wipe the steam away from her goggles, readjust and replace her mouthpiece, before descending again. She turned in a circle, not sure where Cass and Vee had gone. Just as Lauren was about to go back up to the surface, she saw a dark flash of fin out of the corner of her eye. She turned, thinking it was another shoal of fish.
When she saw it, she stilled, trying not to scream or move at all. The shark could only have been a baby, she didn’t even know sharks could be that small, but that was definitely what it was. It flicked back and forth in the water, not quite agitated but like a bee uncertain how to escape through a glass window. When she unclenched her jaw, Lauren saw others around her, looking at it, taking pictures just like they had with the turtles. Surely, then, it couldn’t be dangerous? Or were people just stupid?
As it swam off, its fin almost brushed past her. She felt the push of the water against her skin, before pushing herself up to the surface, her heart beating in her throat. She coughed, tearing the goggles off, almost crying.
She felt a hand on her shoulder. ‘Loll, you okay? Did you see the turtle?’ Cass pulled her mask up. ‘Loll?’
Lauren turned. ‘Did you see the shark?’
‘Shark? We wouldn’t be swimming here if there were sharks!’ Cass laughed, nudging her, ‘Such a worrywart. It was probably a really big trout or something! Things are huge here!’
Lauren shook her head, feeling her fingertips go numb. ‘It was definitely a shark. My legs are tired, I’m gonna get back on the boat.’
She swam carefully, scouring the water around her for another sighting. When she reached the boat, Lauren quickly pulled herself up the side, then sat there, uncertain of what to do.
Jack arrived on the deck behind her. ‘Too much for you?’
‘I think I saw a shark.’
He shrugged, reapplying suntan lotion. ‘Well probably, poppet, but they’d only be babies round these parts. Won’t hurt you.’
Lauren nodded. ‘Well, at least I’m not crazy. Cass tried to tell me it was a big trout!’
‘Cassy is not the girl to ask about anything to do with critters, on land or sea! Girl once told me her mother had given her a hamster. I looked at the thing, it was a great dirty rat that had come up from the floorboards!’ Jack had a loud laugh, which was kind of jarring when you felt light-headed. He stepped around Lauren and jumped straight into the water with a, ‘Wahoo!’, ignoring the steps.
She couldn’t help but laugh at that, a grown man still so excited to jump in the sea like a child. Vee would be happy here. She’d have a life most kids would dream of, surrounded by family, loved and treated well. She’d have adventures and learn new things, a whole new wilderness to explore. Still, the ache in Lauren’s chest started to throb.
Cass swam over to the boat, shielding her eyes as she trod water. ‘Ahoy there, captain! I’m coming up!’
Lauren scuttled back to give her room, but after a few moments, she still hadn’t made it up the steps. Lauren peered over and saw Cass clinging to the bottom, her muscles clenched against the pressure of holding on. She kept trying to pull herself out, but immediately fell back again.
‘Cass …’
‘I’m fine.’ Cass gritted her teeth. ‘Get me a towel, would you?’
Lauren did so, then paused at the top, before putting the towel down and reaching out a hand.
‘Cass, come on, let me help.’
‘I’m fine.’
Lauren huffed, ‘If you don’t take my bloody arm, I’m going to jump in and push you up from behind. Come on.’
Cass reached up for her hand, and Lauren pulled her up, surprised by how little effort it took. She was certainly thinner, which may have been why she wore that T-shirt over her swimsuit. She barely weighed a thing. It was disconcerting.
‘You’re still bloody stubborn.’ Lauren threw the towel at her, and Cass laughed.
‘Says you. Don’t think I’ve ever met anyone more committed to a bad idea just because she’d already told people about it.’
‘Which one was that?’ Lauren tried to keep the tone light, but Cass hated accepting weakness. She knew where this could go, so easily.
‘The one where you married a scumbag you were never that bothered about, because your mum convinced you that you couldn’t do any better?’
Lauren took a breath, looking out at the water. ‘Where’s Vee?’
‘Jack’s with her. No response to that?’
‘It was a shark earlier, you know, Jack said there are baby ones around here.’
Cass half screamed in frustration. ‘I thought we were getting somewhere, Lauren. After you apologised about stuff, I thought everything with Darren—’
‘Apologised?’
‘In the church, in Spain.’ Cass shivered a little, wrapping the towel around her shoulders, her hair falling in thin wet clumps around her pale face.
‘I was apologising for not coming to your mum’s funeral!’ Lauren yelped back. ‘What do you think I should be apologising for?’
Cass shook her head, eyes to the sky. ‘If you don’t know that, things between us are more broken than I thought. And we don’t have that much time left to fix them. Figure it out, Loll. You’re a clever girl.’
‘Stop being so patronising! You were the one who was such a fucking mess back then!’
‘My mum was sick! I lost my best friend to a bloody moron who treated her like a prize shi-tzu rather than a person, and I had no fucking idea what I was doing with my life. Of course I was a fucking mess!’
Lauren stepped back, hands up. ‘I can’t do this now, in the middle of the bloody ocean with you. It was horrible back then, I was drowning. I was trying to look after you, and look after him and make everyone happy. I came home every night after smoking in the car and I cried in the shower so he couldn’t hear me.’
‘At least you had someone to notice you were in the shower, Loll. At least you had someone to answer your calls.’ Cass’s eyes were hard and cold, and she started shivering, gritting her teeth. She refused to back down, even if she was uncomfortable.
‘You can’t blame me for that! You can’t! I was there for years. That last year of picking you up from random bars, or clubs, or passed out in takeaway shops … protecting you from creepy guys, wondering if I needed to take you to the hospital. I even took you to get tested! I was there, for so long! It got too much for me. I needed to finish my post-grad course and take my exams and keep my job. I needed to stop my relationship from falling apart because of you. And you hated that. You hated that I chose me for once.’
Cass shook her head, reaching for another towel on the side, before padding off to the front of the boat, where there was sunlight. ‘But you didn’t choose you, Loll. You chose him.’