There was an atmosphere, and there was nowhere to hide. They had another couple of days with Jack and Dolores, and it already felt like there was nowhere left to go. She should have apologised, she knew. She did pick Darren, and she was wrong. But if Cass hadn’t pushed her, for so many years, to be her carer, to be her conscience, it wouldn’t have happened. If Cass hadn’t fallen apart so spectacularly, safe in the knowledge that Lauren would be there to pick up the pieces … she wouldn’t have had to make a decision in the first place. But then there would be no Vee, and that was pretty much impossible to comprehend.
Lauren tried to keep herself out of the way, letting the family bond. She sat out on the patio whilst they had tea, her own mug of fresh mint brought out so she could draw her wolves, watching the kids play in the garden. They seemed to have created an obstacle course where certain parts had to be jumped over, whilst others were crawled around or rolled through. Vee seemed relaxed here, and Lauren wondered if she would be the one to bring her here when this was all over, or if Jack would come to England.
Perhaps they would go home and Cass would be fine for another few months, and they’d just become polite acquaintances until she was gone. Lauren wondered if Cass would have enough people to invite to a ‘going away’ party, if she did the same as her mother. She doubted it, somehow. On the other hand, she could probably fill the room by wandering into a local pub and charming them into attending. It was a different sort of power to Barbara, but the root was the same – they were lovable. She heard soft footsteps come out onto the veranda, and pause behind her.
‘Those are good, has Vee seen them?’ Cass asked, placing her own mug of tea on the table.
Lauren shook her head. ‘They’re just doodles.’
‘You always shrugged away your talents as if they weren’t big and important.’
Lauren tried to laugh. ‘Well, there you’re wrong, because none of my talents are big or important.’
Cass plonked herself into a chair, delicate fingers tracing the lip of the mug. She seemed to be trying to find the words.
‘You know I almost didn’t have Vee?’ She looked across the grass at her daughter, before meeting Lauren’s eyes. ‘Why would I, right? Single, alone, child of a man I despised. Proof forever of the one rule I’d broken. I was a fuck-up in every sense of the word, but when I loved someone, I stood by them, never betrayed them. That was the only good thing I knew about myself, and suddenly it was a lie.’
Lauren said nothing, but the pencil grasped between thumb and forefinger stilled.
‘I dreamt about dying all the time. I’d dream I went to see Mum, but actually it was me, and I watched myself die. I saw your face as you told me to leave. Haunted me for months, that look of disgust.’ Lauren took a breath, clasping the mug to her as she fidgeted. ‘So I was going to get rid of the baby. I was going to sell Mum’s house and move out here, where I could surf and swim and belong.’
‘So what changed?’ Lauren felt she needed to say something, even though Cass had already told her. Her desire to survive, to limit her chances of cancer. That’s what made her grow and raise and care for another human being. A trade-off: one life to save another.
Cass pressed her lips together. ‘I went to the nurse, and we talked about my plans. I told her I wasn’t having that baby. No way, no how. I was a lone wolf, I was young, I didn’t need a baby right now. And she turned to me, this little woman with all this red hair tied back in this ponytail, and she said, “Don’t you know how lucky you are?” and I was so fucking pissed off, but I couldn’t stop crying. I cried until I was sick. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that in front of someone else before. Well, except for you …’ Cass paused, wincing at the memory. ‘She explained what she meant, that being pregnant could save my life, and I should consider it as an option, even if I had the baby adopted.’
Lauren felt her eyebrows peak, but tried to keep her facial expression neutral.
‘I know, right?’ Cass laughed, shaking her head. ‘Not only would I be a liar and a cheater and a huge, crazy mess, but she wanted me to bring an unwanted kid into the world just to give myself more time. And I hated myself, because I considered it.’
Lauren wanted her to hurry up. What changed your mind? What made you into Cass the mother?
‘You,’ Cass answered the unasked question. ‘I knew what I would do, I would give the baby to you. The perfect answer. The ultimate apology. I would carry this child, your child, keep her safe for you all these months, and then I’d bring her to you. Yes, you’d be upset at first, but when you saw her, you’d forgive me. You’d love me again.’
Lauren stared at her, horrified at how much she’d wished that life had been hers, only for a moment. Perhaps it all would have been different.
‘So why didn’t you do that?’ she croaked out.
Cass’s smile was sunshine. ‘Because I fell in love with her. I couldn’t let her go. No matter how much I loved you and wanted you to forgive me, I couldn’t do it. It was suddenly impossible.’
Lauren nodded, feeling the loss in her fingertips. ‘You made the right choice.’
‘A rare occurrence.’
The silence stretched, and Lauren didn’t even try to break it.
‘I am sorry, you know,’ Cass said, picking at the edge of the mug with her fingertips. ‘For so many things, more than just Darren. I’m sorry I put so much on you back then. I didn’t have anyone else. Everyone was fake.’
Lauren nodded, pencil still shading the wolf mother, holding a cub by the scruff of the neck.
‘I only had you. And so … I tested you, I guess.’
‘That’s what it was, with Darren?’
‘No, my God, no! Lauren, honestly, I was just so drunk and hysterical and shocked, even though I knew Mum was going to die, I just hadn’t prepared myself to be alone … I don’t even remember it.’
Lauren held up a hand, trying to push away the image of Cass, tears flowing, on her knees, begging to be forgiven, apologising, struggling to breathe because she was crying so hard. It had broken her heart then, to be cold.
It was hard to remember how cold she had become. She had been numb for so long by that point, barely inhabiting her body for fear of feeling anxious or afraid. Numb was easier. Quiet was easier. Letting Cass go, because Darren was right – she was a bad influence and a mess. She would always need Lauren to clean up her mess, but never call her to ask how she was.
‘I should have apologised a long time ago, Cass. But when I think about it, the regret and the shame all bubble up, and it’s easier to be angry than to miss you.’
The thought of how much time they’d wasted left a sour taste in her mouth.
‘Hey, that’s my kind of coping mechanism.’ Cass laughed, raising her mug in a salute. ‘So we’re okay?’
Was that it? All those years and it came down to a couple of ‘I’m sorry’s and the fact that the fear of losing her again was worse than anything else? Lauren felt herself take her first truly deep breath in what felt like forever. Something had unlocked.
‘Yes, we’re okay,’ she replied, her eyes looking out to the garden. ‘Vee seems happy here.’
‘It’s a great place, loving family, wonderful home. I spent last night dreaming of our life here. Maybe I’d have met some surfer boy with beautiful hair, who’d carry Vee on his back, and make me bracelets from bits of shell and always smell like the sea. Maybe I would have settled, had a different life here. Been part of a family. Not had to do it alone.’
‘You’ve built a family back home, though.’
Cass inclined her head. ‘Sure, and I love them, and they love us, but … it’s different somehow. Like using a large piece of fabric to make a quilt, instead of patchworking the offcuts from other people’s material. God, I might have had someone who’d take the four a.m. feed, or drive me to the hospital when she was sick, or look after me when we both had flu and I cried because it was hard to be alone.’
Lauren paused. ‘I was thinking I shouldn’t be here, you can spend the time with your family.’
‘No, Loll, don’t be stupid. It’s about us. This whole thing, it’s about us. We’re tied together in a way that becomes unbreakable.’ Cass sat back in the chair, feet up on the table, and produced the Big Book, suddenly scribbling in it.
‘Adding more things or crossing them off?’
‘A bit of both. You don’t mind, do you? I want to write stuff down before I forget it.’
The silence was companionable, the same as it had been when they’d sat on the floor of a bedroom studying, or reading as they lay on the bed next to each other.
Vee was being chased by Taylor, shrieking as she ran past them. She took the time to wave before continuing her escape. This could be her life, surrounded by cousins who would play with her and family who would feed her up and keep her safe.
‘How old is Jack, do you think?’ Lauren asked, not lifting her eyes from the sketchbook.
‘In his sixties? Dolores is a bit younger. Why?’
‘No reason,’ Lauren shrugged, ‘they just have such a big family. I wonder if it’s tiring for them, all the kids and grandkids?’
‘I think they love it,’ Cass said, before raising her head and sitting in her chair. ‘Oh. I see.’
‘See what?’ Lauren’s cheeks flushed.
‘You’re so transparent, Loll, always worrying about the future and what life will bring. Take a leaf out of my book, would you? Life isn’t so terribly important.’ Cass winked dramatically, laughing to herself.
Lauren didn’t say anything, not really sure what she’d been accused of.
‘I haven’t decided if Vee will live here. I think it’s a lot of change for her. I wanted to see how she liked it and get her opinion.’
Lauren nodded and said nothing.
‘You want her, Loll? You want my daughter?’ Cass’s voice was small, and she looked up to the sky, her eyes becoming glassy.
Lauren stayed silent, not sure what the right answer was. Instead, she traced over that same drawing of the small wolf cub, scratches of pen and ink as it howled up at the moon.