Sometimes, there is such a thing as a perfect day. You can taste it in the air, a sweetness on the breeze that tells you everything is going to go your way. You might play the lottery, ask that special person out for a drink. You might simply do the same walk you do every day of the year, but notice a flower you’ve never seen before, or the smile of an old man waiting for the bus. You feel grateful to be alive. Lauren knew it was going to be a day like that the minute she saw Cass’s smile that morning.
‘Hello, sleepyhead,’ she whispered, smiling. ‘I see the fairies arrived in the night to end your time as a sad Mrs.’
‘Just the beginning of a long process,’ Lauren sat up, ‘but I do feel better for it.’
‘Of course, you do! You’re going to be free to start again. So why don’t you get up and come do some sunrise yoga with us?’
Lauren blinked. ‘Sunrise? Is Vee up?’
She turned her head and saw the little girl waving from her bunk. ‘I’m good at the sleeping one,’ she said, splaying her arms wide and pretending to be asleep.
‘Me too,’ Lauren laughed, getting up. ‘Okay, let’s salute the sun as it’s coming up. Insane.’
‘You’re way too easily pleased, Loll,’ Cass said, padding out of the room barefoot and leading them to the garden they’d rested in the night before.
The air had a surprising crispness, and the camp felt quiet and sleepy. A few people in brightly coloured clothes assembled silently behind the woman dressed in purple, already stretching.
‘Grab a mat and relax,’ she intoned, not stopping her fluid movements.
They bumbled along, and Lauren felt herself looking around at other people, wondering if they were in their pyjamas too, looking for examples of imperfection, trying to ensure she wasn’t the biggest mess there. And then she simply took a breath, and let it go.
She was here. She was in Australia with her dear friend, and her wonderful daughter. She was finally having adventures. Life was quiet and enormous, unexpected and yet, not at all overwhelming. She could be brave and still breathe. It was miraculous.
She stretched into her body, breathing deeply, entirely in the moment. For a while, she just spread her arms out in the child’s pose and listened to the sound of her breath, feeling like time was endless. As she turned her head to the right, she saw Vee napping in savasana pose just as she’d promised, her little snores gentle in the breeze.
Cass seemed to be completely at peace, a look of relief on her face as she stretched and moved, her body looking stiffer than Lauren had realised. She’d been in pain, and had been silent. She hadn’t punished others, or drawn attention. She’d been completely selfless in her discomfort, only making sure that Lauren and Vee were happy. She’d been looking after both of them, Lauren realised, letting them think it was the other way around. She felt this sudden rush of love for her friend, who had given her such a gift even as she was dealing with something so unbelievably terrifying.
When they finished yoga, they napped for a while in the shade of the trees, crawling into the hammocks and beanbags, or remaining on their mats. It was only the smell of pancakes that woke Lauren from her haze about an hour later, music playing on a rattling speaker in a hut in the garden.
That hut, it appeared, was the kitchen and dining area. People flooded out of their rooms, apparently starving as they queued up for pancakes, poured coffee from the urn and peeled fruit at their tables, sharing and passing things around.
Everyone had a story, it became clear at that breakfast table. Everyone was running to or from something, had fears and dreams and things they’d rather not talk about. For once, it was easy to be amongst these people, not to have to prove anything to anyone.
The pancakes were easily the best she’d ever eaten, and for the first time in a long time, Lauren felt ravenous, as though her body had awoken from a long sleep. She heaped fruit and maple syrup onto them and finished the entire plate, pausing every few chews to sigh in disbelief at how good they tasted. Did everyone taste this? Did everyone realise how extraordinary this was?
Cass ate half, then pushed her plate away, allowing Vee to pick at the fruit, identifying each piece before she ate it.
‘Okay, guys, we’ve checked and the surf is up – great waves today. Let’s get suited up and get down there. Leaving in ten!’ Mac called out, scraping his hair up into a ponytail.
Everyone sprang into action, piling plates and scraping off leftovers, taking them over to the side of the kitchen, swilling out their coffee mugs. And then they were gone, to change and cover themselves in sun cream.
‘Are you going to teach us to surf, Cassy?’ Vee asked, pulling on the wet suit that was left in their room. She stood with her hands on her hips, superhero stance. ‘I’m going to fight crime. I need a cape!’
Cass wiggled the zip on her own wet suit up, and sighed at how it flapped around her waist, but said nothing, plucking it away once and shaking her head.
Lauren took a deep breath in, zipping it up and resolving not to look at herself. It just had to be practical. She wasn’t a fucking mermaid. Besides, this was for Cass. Cass had loved to surf. She’d come here as a teenager when she’d visited her uncle. She’d spoken for years about how surfing was the only sport she liked, that if she could become one with the water, she would.
Whenever they got near the sea, Cass seemed to come alive. Maybe that was why she’d ended up in Blackpool. The sea was changeable, unpredictable. Quiet and calm one moment and destructive the next. The sea could be vengeful, beautiful and overwhelming all at once, drowning you in desire for appreciation. Sounded about right.
The bus arrived at the abandoned beach, and they carried their boards to the sea. The seasoned surfers ran in, eager not to miss a moment. The rest hovered on the beach, waiting to be taught.
Mac, the receptionist, approached. ‘All breezy, mates, so, let’s get started.’
He was a good teacher, patient but direct. By the time they’d practised getting up on their boards on the sand for what felt like a hundred times, Vee was wiggling all over the place, desperate to get into the sea.
They watched from the beach as Cass went first, suddenly so confident in something she’d only done a handful of times over a decade ago. She was amazing, fluid as she swam, sensing the wave and jumping up on her board, a look of pure joy on her face. She pumped her arms in the air and shouted, ‘Woohoo!’ waving at Vee and Lauren before wobbling and falling off.
The moment she disappeared under the water, Lauren panicked. She counted, trying to keep Cass’s voice in her head: Don’t worry, not everything’s dangerous. I’ll be fine.
When she got to five seconds, Cass bobbed up again, laughing. ‘That’s what happens when you get cocky. Vee, ready to try?’
She was incredibly patient, Lauren noticed, explaining things, listening, waiting. Mac took over, helping Vee practise, perhaps noticing that Cass needed a breather. They stood a little way back, waves lapping their ankles as Vee tried to get up on her board and wobbled, before crouching down again.
‘It’s okay, baby, just try again. You’re doing great!’ Cass called out, waving and giving her a thumbs up.
She looked at Lauren. ‘You need to stop worrying. She needs to live, and try things. Sometimes she’ll get hurt. That’s life.’
Lauren took a breath, ‘I know, I just …’
‘You want everyone to be safe and okay, I know. There are endless dangers everywhere. But if there’s no risk, there’s no joy.’
Lauren nodded. ‘I know.’
‘And you’ll worry anyway, I get it.’ Cass stared ahead at her daughter as she swam back out to try again. ‘Thing is, she’ll need someone who encourages her to be adventurous. Not to wrap her in cotton wool. Someone who can be afraid for her without letting it stop her from doing things.’
Lauren said nothing. Vee would stay in Australia, that’s what she was saying.
‘Keep that little voice in check, Loll. It’s your turn.’ Cass grinned at her. ‘Out you go.’
Lauren was surprised to realise she enjoyed it, letting the waves guide her, draw her back in to the shore. After about half an hour, Cass decided to take a break on the beach, and let the others carry on.
Lauren looked over from helping Vee balance and saw Cass scribbling in the Big Book again, looking up at them and waving. She looked older from a distance, small and thin with her short hair slicked back, hunched up as she scribbled.
Vee managed one more run, catching an excellent wave, and navigated her way to the sand, jumping and whooping as she did so. Cass dropped the book to stand up and run to her, throwing her arms around her in excitement. She kissed her cheeks and forehead, stroking back her hair.
‘You were so good! You were great! You’re amazing!’
Vee laughed as her mother spun her round, then placed a hand on her cheek, her little eyes intense.
‘Cassy … you okay?’
‘Just a bit tired, sweets. Maybe a nap before dinner, I think. Want one too?’
‘Babies take naps.’
‘Babies, and politicians, and the Spanish, and people who want to be able to keep their eyes open to see the band tonight and have a dance.’
Vee rolled her eyes. ‘Okay, but just a small nap.’
‘Teeny-tiny,’ Cass said, putting an arm around her, ‘a nap-let, a nap-tini.’
Lauren snapped a photo of the moment from afar, revelling at how the afternoon sun bathed them both in a glorious gold colour. Today was a good day. It was so good that Lauren didn’t want to ruin anything by worrying about their new tattoos, and how they should have kept them dry. Cass, of course, shrugged off the concern – it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. A few hours falling in the ocean wasn’t going to hurt, it wasn’t like they spent half a day in the bath. Lauren struggled, peeking up the sleeve of her wetsuit to see if the cling film she’d applied that morning had stayed put. She didn’t Google any what-ifs though, and that felt like progress to her. Why not believe everything would be fine? It was as likely as not, as Cass said. She didn’t mention it again, and felt proud of herself.
By the time they returned to camp, showered and got into dry clothes, they were ravenous. Luckily, someone already had the barbecue going and they gorged themselves on what seemed to be the most delicious food they’d ever eaten – fresh, crisp salad and succulent pulled pork on toasted burger buns with grilled pineapple. Everything was full of flavour, like it had never seemed to be at home. It was as if all her senses were awakening after years of being muffled. The sounds of laughter, the smell of saltwater in her hair even after showering. The feel of grass beneath her bare feet. Lauren couldn’t get over it. It was like being drunk. Everything seemed unbelievably beautiful.
After dinner, everyone seemed to laze around, dozing, completely relaxed. Some read books, one of the men in the beanbags strummed his guitar. It was like time was almost standing still. Cass and Vee curled up together on another beanbag, Cass flicking through the Big Book, and Vee retracing the wolf on her wrist in pen, where it had started to wash off.
Lauren’s phone began to ring. Not wanting to disturb anyone (and aware that most people calling from the UK would not bring calming vibes to her life at this point) she walked around the back of the garden, following a path down to the herb garden. She didn’t recognise the number, calling through an international app. Probably Darren’s lawyer calling to confirm she’d received the papers.
‘Hello?’
‘Lauren?’ a man’s voice chirruped. ‘It’s Paul.’
‘Oh! Hi.’
‘Sorry about calling, I just thought it might be easier than video calling again.’
‘It’s fine,’ she paused. ‘Is everything okay? With Vee’s homework and school and everything?’
‘Oh yes, yes, absolutely, absolutely.’ He coughed, then paused. ‘It’s almost half term.’
‘Ah,’ Lauren said, wondering where this would go, ‘doing anything nice on your break?’
‘Nothing very interesting. Just marking, organising stuff for next term …’ He trailed off and Lauren fought to find a way to cut to the chase.
‘Um, Paul, I don’t mean to be rude, but were you calling for a specific reason?’ she said gently, hoping the delivery would mask the sharpness of her words.
‘Oh! I guess I just wanted to see how you all were. If Vee was okay, if Cass was … well, how her health was?’
‘They’re doing well, Vee’s happy. She got to meet a lot of her Australian family. Cass is … Cass is hiding how much pain she’s in. She’s tired and weary, but she surfed in the sea today and seemed so happy. It’s been a good day.’
‘Do you know what you’re going to do when it’s not a good day?’ Paul asked. She could imagine him, tugging at his shirt collar, or running his hands through his hair. Sitting with a mug of tea in the cold weather, whilst she swished her long skirt around her bare feet and breathed in the warm smell of lemongrass from the garden.
‘We’ll be home soon, we just have to get home, and then …’
‘And then you’ll disappear and it’ll be someone else’s problem?’
‘Excuse me?’
‘Look … I’m … I’m just worried for you, okay? I know Cassidy, I know she’s full of adventure and she loves you so much, but she’s not well, and she’s pushed herself probably further than she should have already. How are you going to deal with her and Veronica?’
‘What are you saying, Paul? That we need to come home now because I’m not capable of caring for my friend?’
‘No … what I’m saying is, being there when someone stops being themselves … it’s hard. It’s heartbreaking. And Cass mentioned you’re an anxious person …’
‘Then why did you help me arrange all this, if you didn’t want it to happen? If you thought I couldn’t handle it?’
Why was she arguing with this man she barely knew? Why was she trying to make a point, when really, he was making some pretty valid arguments?
‘It’s not …’ Paul sighed, then tried again. ‘I was just trying to ask how you were, Lauren. I thought you might need a friend. I thought it might be a lot of pressure to be on this kind of holiday with someone like Cass.’
Lauren immediately deflated. ‘Oh. God … I’m sorry. I jumped down your throat a bit there, didn’t I? I seem to keep doing that these days.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t explain myself better. I think you’re very capable.’
She took a breath, wondered how to move forward. ‘It’s been wonderful to have this time with both of them. To get to know Cass again. To see parts of her in Vee. I pushed her out of my life for the wrong reasons, and she was kind enough to let me back in.’
‘She was excited about this trip. She said you needed it.’
‘I needed it?’ Lauren paused. ‘Well, yeah, I suppose I did. And it felt good to keep a promise, to finally do the things we said we’d do.’
‘Do you know what you’ll do when you come home?’
‘Start looking for jobs, I suppose. Or maybe look for places to start over. Do what Cass did – a clean slate.’
‘Well … if you’re ever in Blackpool, it would be nice to talk.’
‘About what?’
He paused. ‘About … anything.’
‘Ohhh! Oh, okay. Sure. That would be nice.’
They said their goodbyes, and Lauren hovered in the herb garden a few moments longer. What was that? Could Paul actually be interested in her? Or would this be just one more man who loved Cass, and wanted a connection through her friend?
Back then it had been boys who wanted information – what did she like, what didn’t she like? Did she have a boyfriend, how did they get her attention? For the first time, it didn’t seem like that.
She went back to their room to nap, suddenly exhausted, and dreamt of Veronica. A grown-up Veronica, all long, crazy blonde hair like Cass’s. She kept walking up to her and saying, ‘But you promised I could meet my daddy – where is he?’ and shrugging her off when she tried to grasp her arm. She kept following this girl, and sometimes she was Cass, and sometimes she was Vee. Unbearably interchangeable, as though time didn’t exist, and they couldn’t be there at the same time. When she reached for Cass the last time, she tripped and fell, hearing only Paul’s voice as he said, ‘It’s a lot for anyone, Loll.’
She gasped awake before she hit the ground, and saw Cass and Vee staring at her in concern.
‘Are you okay? You were mumbling.’ Cass reached for her arm. ‘Too much sun?’
‘Something like that.’ She sat up, narrowly avoiding hitting her head on the top bunk.
‘Auntie Loll, there’s going to be music! And dancing. You have to wear your pretty dress!’ Vee’s hands-on-hips stance had become something of a regular occurrence on this trip.
‘Oi, bossy boots. Your aunt can wear what she wants.’
‘No, she needs to wear bright colours and then she’ll fall in love and won’t be sad about her silly husband.’ Vee met Lauren’s gaze head on, as if the phrase had been plucked from her thoughts.
‘Huh, interesting philosophy there, kid,’ Lauren laughed. ‘I’m not sad, and I certainly don’t need to fall in love. But colours, yes, I think you’re right.’
‘They make you happy!’
‘I agree,’ she said, surprised to find the clenched-stomach feeling was gone when she slipped the dress over her head and her wrists were adorned with different bangles and bracelets from the Jones girls’ armoury.
‘Let’s take a picture together,’ Cass said, reaching out her arm with the camera as they cuddled in. ‘It’s rare you get a photo of a perfect day.’
Lauren shook off the remnants of that dream, any thoughts of the future, of the past, or anything but that day. Cass had said it was a perfect day, and it was. She wasn’t going to let her brain ruin it.
The perfect day slid into a sweet evening. Everything brought them joy, from the band in the back garden playing bluegrass, to the collection of guitarists in the lounge singing sweeter songs. She and Vee danced, swinging their arms back and forth, laughing as they moved. She felt fun, she felt like she was actually herself, that Loll who came to life years before when a strange girl in a club toilet asked for her help. The drinks flowed freely, ridiculously cheap and served in a random array of mugs and glasses, and even Cass got up to dance. She moved more gently, swaying rather than jumping, but she joined in, happy because they were happy.
The evening ended when the sun started to come up. They sat in one of the oversized beanbags, savouring their mugs of wine, Vee asleep on a selection of cushions and blankets in front of them.
Cass watched the couples slow dancing to a softer melody, the guitarist playing on his own as they waltzed.
‘I regret never falling in love,’ Cass said, twitching her nose. ‘I think I would have been good at it, eventually.’
‘You were good at being fallen in love with, does that count?’ Lauren smiled.
Cass shook her head. ‘No, to be in love you’ve got to be vulnerable. The only person I was ever vulnerable with was you.’
Lauren didn’t really know what to say about that, so she said nothing.
‘Did you keep your dress? The one to wear next time?’
It took Lauren a moment to figure out what Cass was talking about. The second-time dress.
She had been terrified to tell Cass she was getting married. It was during that bad time, when Lauren was desperately trying to hold down working and studying for her post-grad, and Cass was spiralling into party-mad destruction, jumping between jobs and ways to block out Barbara’s decline.
There hadn’t been much to tell, either.
Darren had been reading the paper, munching noisily on a bacon sandwich, when he had suddenly stopped and looked at her. ‘I think we should get married.’
He was tired of wasting time, all the people at work were getting married, and their wedding would be much better. They had more taste. They’d throw a wedding people would be talking about for years.
He went on about the food, and the champagne, and how pleased her mother would be. How they could honeymoon anywhere she wanted, somewhere fancy with those little huts on the beach. Aruba, would she like Aruba? He’d been talking so long she hadn’t even realised she hadn’t said yes. But really, he hadn’t asked a question. She’d imagined telling her mother and receiving that final perfect pat on the head, the excitement of planning a wedding together and bonding over dresses and tablecloths. And yet a stone sat resolutely in her stomach. That little voice that told her Darren was only ever meant to be temporary. She dismissed it as anxiety. She was always worrying, always thinking too much. She couldn’t trust her brain – it lied a lot.
When it came to telling Cass, she knew it was going to be painful. There would be arguments and sharp words and who knew if Cass would even be sober when she told her? Things had been falling apart for a while now, and it seemed like Darren was right: Cass wasn’t really someone she had anything in common with anymore. And then, just like Cass, she surprised her.
‘Well, everyone needs a trial run,’ she had breezed over her mimosa, raising her glass. ‘Personally, I think you’ll get bored of the knobhead before you ever make it up the aisle, but here’s to making mistakes and learning from them.’
‘Well that’s not patronising at all!’
‘You forget I know you better than you know yourself sometimes.’ Cass had stuck out her tongue.
‘Still patronising!’
‘Nope, just true. Still, I bet you’ll get some decent presents from the knobhead’s posh friends. And then when you get married the second time, it could be a really chill, quiet affair where no one’s looking at you and we get to dance all night to your favourite hits.’
‘Well I’m glad you’ve planned my second wedding. Why wouldn’t this be a quiet affair?’
Cass hadn’t even responded, just raised an eyebrow and downed the remainder of her drink. Of course, she was right. Lauren had rattled with discomfort. She was making a mistake, this wasn’t her future. It was so clear to see when she was with Cass, and yet, when she wasn’t …
Cass had simply patted her hand and gestured for the bill, and just like that they were walking down the street, arm in arm, like they had a couple of years before. She led her to a bridal shop, something unusual and kooky. The silver swirly writing above the door read Missy’s and the bell rang as they walked through. They didn’t have an appointment, but Cass had sweet-talked the owner, spun her an earnest yarn about how they were such good friends, and they rarely got to see each other. How it would mean so much to be able to share this experience with her friend. How the fiancé was loaded and would drop some serious cash on the dress.
She got her way, and watched as Lauren had delicately fingered the dresses on the hangers, too scared to make a choice. Cass stood by her side, nodding as her hand hovered over one. ‘Try it!’
When Lauren came back out, she shone. The dress was simple, sixties in style, short with three-quarter-length sleeves and a boat neck with beading. Lauren remembered how wearing that dress felt like the lights being turned on. Cass had clapped and whooped and made her twirl, pinning a veil in her hair whilst they sipped flat prosecco the owner had in the fridge.
‘You know I won’t end up wearing something like this though,’ Lauren said, meeting Cass’s eyes in the mirror as she adjusted the veil. ‘It won’t be enough for them. It’s not grand, or attention seeking. It’s little mousy Lauren, trying to hide away again.’
‘But it’s the opposite, when you really look at it. When you notice the detail of the pattern in the fabric, the pearls that are sewn in. The strength and structure of the skirt. It’s completely extraordinary. It’s you, Loll.’
She shone in that moment, in the light of Cass’s flattery. It was easy to mock the effect on others until she turned it your way. Lauren splayed the skirt, looking at herself in the mirror and twirling as it moved with her.
‘Wedding number two,’ Cass had nudged her, smile unwavering. ‘That one will be simple, relaxed. Registry office and a dance in a cute barn. You’ll wear this and the guy will wear jeans and a waistcoat and we’ll all dance to a live salsa band and your mother will be miserable but no one will care.’
Lauren felt herself tearing up, and pressed her lips together, Cass raising an eyebrow as she stroked the sleeves of the dress.
‘Thank you for this. For being happy for me.’
‘I’m not happy for you, Loll. I think if you marry that man it’ll be one of your biggest regrets. But, we all need regrets, right? We all need stories.’
‘Will you pretend on the day?’ Lauren asked.
‘As best I can, if you want me to. Though I’m also gonna have an escape car ready. Maybe the Batmobile? Something cool. I’ll have a case packed for you, and if you decide you want to do a total dramatic run from the church slow-mo style, I’ll be waiting.’
She’d left the shop that day with Cass, feeling more than ever that Darren was wrong. Cass was still her friend, still the person who knew her best in the world. She was hurting, and her mother was sick, and there were a hundred other things, but she still loved Lauren better than anyone else ever had.
Cass had gone back and bought the dress for her. She’d sent it to the house with the tag, For the second time around. But it arrived only days after everything else happened, after Babs died. After they fell apart. The dress had felt like an obstinate apology, a defiant admission of guilt. A reminder that she was making a mistake.
She had put it away, bought an over-the-top dress that her mother had loved, and tried to ignore the clenched feeling in her stomach as everyone looked at her on her wedding day.
Lauren wanted to look at the dress again, suddenly. To run her fingertips over the fabric and notice how detailed it was, how special. That her friend had seen the most beautiful thing in that shop and decided it was for her. That was a gift.
She looked at Cass, lit by the light of the fire, short hair and protruding collarbones, and still no less magic than she always had been.
‘I’d forgotten about the dress,’ she said, trying to find the words. ‘I kept it. I thought … when it arrived, it was after everything … I thought it was one of your apologies, but the lady said it had been ordered months before.’
‘God, apologising by buying you a wedding dress?’ Cass winced. ‘I’m not insane.’
Lauren couldn’t help but laugh, ‘I loved it though, maybe I’ll try it on when I get home.’
‘It can be your something old for when you get married again.’
‘I can’t even imagine the possibility of that right now.’
Starting over, starting again? Finding someone you chose, over and over again each day, who complemented you instead of drowning you out. The idea of finding someone she was sure about, without the doubt or gnawing worry … how would she make that choice without Cass there to tell her she’d picked a winner or a loser?
‘I know, but you will, one day,’ Cass said, then paused. ‘I regret you never falling in love either.’
‘You have to stop thinking for more than five minutes to fall in love.’ Lauren laughed again.
‘So do it. Take a chance. Who knows?’
Lauren said nothing. As if it was that easy.
It was nice to dream though. To imagine a world where she started over, becoming that person she’d always thought she might be. She tried to imagine herself in a little flat with a balcony, looking out on a beautiful view, or living on a boat. She could do anything, go anywhere. There were too many possibilities, so many that none seemed appealing. The world was suddenly too big.
‘I want her to stay with you,’ Cass said, staring out at the dancers, a lilt of drunkenness in her voice. ‘Vee, I mean. After.’
‘I thought …’ Lauren paused. ‘What about Jack?’
‘They’ve had their kids, they don’t need to be raising one again. Although it’d be nice if you brought her out here to see them every now and then.’
‘Has this whole trip been one of your tests, Cass?’
She held up her hands. ‘That makes it sound like I’ve been scheming, and I have, but not in the way you think. I was just giving you time. Not everyone wants to raise their dead friend’s kid whilst going through a divorce and having to find a new job. I wouldn’t blame you.’
‘I want to be there for her,’ Lauren said immediately.
‘I know.’
‘I’d look after her.’
‘I know.’
‘You think I’d worry too much?’
‘I know you would, but that’s okay. You learn to let them breathe. And didn’t you once say I was the voice in your head? I’ll stop you from suffocating her, make sure you give her the freedom she needs.’
They sipped at their wine in silence.
‘I’m not sure what to say. It feels weird to say thank you,’ Lauren said.
‘Then don’t,’ Cass shrugged.
‘Do you feel you’ve got what you wanted from our trip? Are you happy?’
Cass nuzzled back into the beanbag, nestling in as she considered it. ‘Well, I guess in some ways it’s worse, because now I really don’t wanna go. But I’m feeling it now. I’ve been trying to hide it but I know you’ve noticed. It’s starting to feel … hard to be alive, I guess.’
‘Cass—’
‘But everything I wanted has happened. I got to see you and Vee have these experiences I wanted for you, this growth and strength.’
‘You wanted for us?’
Cass’s smile was like a light bulb. ‘Of course. This was for you too, Loll. So you could grow and live, and do all the stuff you’d never do without me there. I mean, I bet you didn’t do one thing on that list in the time we were apart, even though it was your book, your list?’
‘God, you’re right. That’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.’
Cass shook her head. ‘You just have to remember that it’s important for you to do a lot of living. I’m not going to be here to push you. But you’ll have Vee. She’s good at teaching you how to be in the moment, how to feel alive. Kids have that thing. Like the excitement at a rainbow or a fifty-pence bottle of bubbles.’
‘What if I do a bad job, with her? What if I fuck up?’
‘Impossible,’ Cass said. ‘I am asking you, dear Loll, to love my absolutely perfect daughter for the rest of your life. To give her everything you have. That’s all.’ She grinned. ‘She has only the best parts of me. And she has the best parts of herself which is even better. She’ll look after you, and you’ll look after her. That was the plan.’ She wriggled her fingertips as if presenting a final number on stage. ‘I even named her Veronica, just for you.’
‘Cass, what does that even mean?’
‘It means that I knew. I knew it would come to this. You were always meant to be part of our lives, Loll. You were meant to be her fairy godmother. I named her Veronica for your grandmother, the woman who believed in you, who knew you were strong in your own way, that you could do anything. Now you get to be that for Vee, and she gets to be that for you. Strong, amazing women looking after each other.’
Lauren shook her head, struggling to keep it together.
‘We missed out on that time together, but you still get it with her, and that’s what matters.’ Cass looked up to hide the shine in her eyes. ‘At the beginning I felt guilty for keeping her, because of how she came to be. Like it was another betrayal. But … I finally loved someone more than anything else in the world. She helped me survive, gave me a purpose.’
Cass pressed her lips together, tried to take a breath as she looked at her daughter sleeping in front of them.
‘You know how everyone tells you to live every day like it’s your last? I did. I do. I knew no matter how much I did or how many pills I took or therapies I tried or however many parts of me they cut away, I was gonna leave this world early, just like my mum.
‘I knew when I had this little girl that one day she would be raised by someone else. I’d hoped it would be you. It was always meant to be you. And if one day you go from “Auntie Loll” to “Mum”, I won’t be annoyed, I promise. I’ll be pleased.’
‘That’s mad,’ Lauren protested. ‘She’s your daughter, she’s you all over again. You just have to look at her to see it.’
‘Exactly, you’ll have me back again, but a better version. And she’ll keep you doing silly things, pushing you and having adventures. And you’ll give her what she needs – structure, stability, all that family stuff. The stuff you gave me.’
‘Is this your final selfless fucking act or something? Your apology gift for everything, giving me your daughter? It’s mad, it’s too much,’ Lauren shook her head, not really sure what to say or do. She had wanted this, hadn’t she? She had wanted Vee for herself, to love her and care for her and remind her every day about Cass and how magical she was. Now it seemed like she’d been tricked into it. She felt guilty again, somehow.
Cass smiled. ‘When you put it like that, I guess it is a gift, isn’t it? The best gift I can think of, for each of you. You get my Vee, and she gets my Loll. Not selfless at all, it’s just right. A perfect circle. You remember how your dad always said I was the sun and you were the moon?’
‘Because you were bright and interesting and I was dull and moody,’ Lauren huffed and Cass laughed, nudging her.
‘No … although yes about the moody. We needed each other because we were different. I needed that calm soothing thing you have, and you needed that frazzle of nutty energy. I’m the sun and you’re the moon and we’re both needed. And now we’re taking turns looking after the world.’
Cass pointed at Vee, pleased with herself at the analogy. Lauren swallowed a sob.
‘And you’ll look after each other,’ Cass continued, ‘the only two remaining people to ever really know and love Cassidy Jones.’
She had to hand it to her, Cass had always managed to manipulate a situation so she got exactly what she wanted from people. She said it, and watched as Cass laughed.
‘Remember you asked if I was testing you? I wasn’t. I was training you, for her. You’ve completed your training. The only thing left to do is stop being so afraid to live. Because I promise you, dying is scarier.’
Lauren did nothing but reach out a hand, tears streaming down her face, interlocking her fingers with Cass’s. Their hands clasped, tattooed wrists tying them together as they looked at the young girl between them, a legacy for them both.
Sometimes joy and loss both taste like saltwater.