Cass’s scribbles in the Big Book had become more frantic. She picked it up every second moment, either worried she’d leave it somewhere, or afraid she’d forget what she’d started writing. She sat in the back seat of the car, hunched over the book whilst Vee fiddled with the radio and Lauren concentrated on the road.
Lauren had posted her divorce papers that morning, and even though she knew it was only the start of the long process ahead, it felt good to get that part out of the way. She had no idea what she’d be doing with her career, but she had been tasked with caring for the one thing Cassidy Jones loved more than anything else. The sun and moon, like Cass said. She had a starring role. The full moon to Cass’s setting sun. She had a purpose.
It was just the pain of what would happen in the lead-up to the end that scared her. The days in the car contemplating on the open road didn’t help, her mind searching for answers that simply didn’t exist yet. Vee seemed to agree.
‘Where now, Auntie Loll?’
‘We are going to a rainforest. It’s this big park called the Blue Mountains.’
‘I liked the surfing. And the dancing.’
‘You’ll like the rainforest too. There’s apparently also … drum roll … a chocolate shop. We can go walk around then taste a bunch of chocolate.’
‘Okay.’ Vee turned in her seat. ‘Cassy, what do you think?’
‘I think …’ Cass finished her current scribble with a flourish. ‘That the beauty of the rainforest will definitely inspire me to eat some chocolate. And maybe you will learn some stuff to do a project for Mr T. Lots of interesting plant-type stuff!’
‘More school,’ Vee pouted, crossing her arms.
‘Don’t be like that, you get to tell a story about your big adventure! Everyone will be so jealous,’ Lauren said, her eyes meeting Cass’s in the mirror, asking if this lie was acceptable. Cass nodded with the wisdom of motherhood.
There was so much to ask her, to check with her. How would she do everything right, how could she raise her the way Cass would? And how would she explain to her parents that she was caring for Cass’s daughter? Would she tell them Vee was Darren’s? That would unravel everything. Sometimes, it was easier to say nothing. Yet, hadn’t just “going along with everything” all these years been part of the issue? Perhaps she should be honest and open, and if they didn’t like it, that was fine.
Lauren was learning to live with the idea that she could do what she wanted without permission or acceptance. She had been given a chance, in this trip, in finding Cassidy again, in Veronica. Whilst there would be hard times ahead, the air tasted a little sweeter now that she was allowed to breathe it. She got to choose her life, and she chose this one. They would go back home to Blackpool and make as much of the time as they could.
They seemed to be driving forever, the road stretching on and on. They stopped frequently, for snacks and petrol and lunch, just to break the time up. No one spoke much, enjoying the peace and quiet of the journey, or perhaps dealing with their own thoughts of home and what would happen next. Vee did her homework and played around on a tablet, showing an intense concentration in the furrow of her brow. And still, Cass scribbled on and on in the Big Book.
By the time they reached the mountains, it was early afternoon the next day, and Lauren felt like she could sleep for a lifetime. They checked into a bed and breakfast with a view of the sun setting, the haze of colour surrounding the mountains in the distance.
‘See, that’s why they’re called blue,’ Cass pointed out, her hand on Vee’s shoulder.
‘But why are they blue though?’
Cass shrugged. ‘The atmosphere? I don’t know. We’ll find out tomorrow.’
She wrote furiously through dinner, until even Veronica lost her patience. ‘It’s rude to do things at dinner.’
Cass looked up, like a child caught being naughty, then held her pen up, closing the book. ‘You’re right, baby, I’m sorry. Tell me about your favourite part of the trip.’
Vee blinked. ‘The surfing.’
‘Yes, but that was the most recent. What about the beautiful dancing in Seville? What about the huskies, or meeting Santa?’
The child wracked her brains. ‘I liked the hammocks. And the burgers.’
Cass laughed. ‘Good thing we took photos if your memory is that bad!’ Under her breath she added, ‘Doesn’t look good for me, does it?’
Lauren heard and squeezed her hand, shaking her head.
‘I want to take a photo,’ Vee said suddenly, scrambling for Cass’s phone.
‘Um—’
‘Please and thank you!’ Vee added in a hurry, fearful the phone would be taken away.
Cass handed the phone over. ‘What are you taking a photo of?’
Vee turned the phone towards the two adults, indicating they should put their heads together. They smiled sweetly, leaning against each other as Vee counted down from three. The minute she reached one they pulled faces, sticking tongues out and flaring nostrils. It was a grotesque and hilarious photograph, and Lauren was weirdly pleased to be in it. She wasn’t always worrying, she wasn’t always wondering what people thought of her. Sometimes she was just a girl sitting in a hotel dining room, pushing her nose up so it looked like a snout. Fucking ridiculous, and wonderful. Vee was grouchy about having her photograph ruined, but Cass tickled her into submission, coaxing a begrudging smile.
That night, they fell asleep on the huge bed together, lying on top of the covers. Vee was between them with Storm nestled in the crook of her arm. They had been reading a story together, laughing along as Cass did the impressions of each animal.
‘You know, this is what I imagined when I thought about having a family,’ Lauren whispered, ‘this kind of moment.’
‘This is what I imagined when I thought I might have someone to share it with,’ Cass replied, smiling even as her eyes were closed. ‘You realise why this is the way it is?’
‘What is the way it is?’
‘Timing, moments, righting wrongs, everything. It’s because you’re my fucking soulmate, Loll. That’s what it is. The universe knows. It won’t let me screw us up again.’
‘Oh well, that’s really comforting, that hard, factual evidence. Thanks for that.’ Lauren laughed quietly, curling up on her side to look at Cass. She paused, unsure if she should ruin this moment. ‘Do we need to talk about stuff? About everything back then?’
Cass shook her head sleepily. ‘Oh, you know, let’s just not. You know I’m sorry, right? Let’s just put it down to life being hard, and us being different types of fuck-ups in our early twenties. And let’s be grateful that dickhead’s gone, and we’re together. We won! Let’s just be grateful. Is that okay? Is that enough?’
Lauren nodded, grasping her hand. She wondered if she really did have anything more to say, anything more she needed to know. Her friend had betrayed her what felt like a lifetime ago, slipping away into grief and self-destruction. Her fiancé had lied and she’d believed the wrong person. She had married him anyway. Did they need to talk about it more than that? Two confused twenty-somethings and some terrible choices.
Cass had done something awful, and had spent her life punishing herself. The kind of punishing that only Lauren would be able to understand. A life alone, because that was what she deserved.
It was time to end that now. She found relief in getting it out of the way. It was done, it didn’t matter anymore. Only this mattered. The three of them, together.
That was how it would stay when they got home. She would be here on this ride until the end, that much was clear.
‘Come on, get some sleep. We have an early start tomorrow with a big, exciting day,’ Lauren said.
‘See, you’re a natural at this mum thing already, you always were. You were excellent at looking after me.’
Yeah, until I wasn’t, Lauren replied in her head, trying to keep hold of that calm she’d found. If only she’d been there for Cass, if only she’d not prioritised Darren, if only they’d travelled sooner. But then Veronica wouldn’t exist, and Cass might already be gone by now. An unbroken friendship couldn’t change biology. Cass was sure everything was happening the way it was meant to. If she could believe that, nearing the end, Lauren had no right to feel otherwise. No more mooning over lost time or bad decisions. In the end, it all came down to the same thing.
‘Love you, Cass,’ she said quietly, hoping she was already asleep.
‘Love you, Loll,’ Cass mumbled back as she curled up. ‘Always.’
*
The hike through the Blue Mountains was beautiful, a plethora of colour and sound. It was so much more than simply a forest, or a jungle. Even the mess of trees, fighting for life as the sunlight skipped through holes in the canopy felt unearthly.
They’d started their day early, planning out their route through the park, and Cass had been insistent that they had to do it. She’d missed out when she was in Australia as a teen, and she wasn’t missing out again. So they’d slathered themselves in sun cream, packed their backpacks with water bottles and snacks, and jumped on the bus to the starting point.
Lauren had started to relax finally. She could see how everything would work now. The shadows of the past were lifted, all had been forgiven and she was no longer shackled to the person she always had been. She could be something else. The smallest shift, and the resentment had started to crumble away. Colour had returned. Cass had done that for her.
That didn’t make the hike any easier, but Lauren was determined not to grumble, or moan or worry too much. They were coming to the end of their adventure, the weeks and months ahead would be hard enough. It was important to be present.
The heat was intense, and it was hard to breathe because of the moisture in the air. Lauren wiped the sweat from her forehead with the bottom of her T-shirt, and offered a bottle of water to Vee. The little girl was struggling, weary arms flailing as she tried to propel herself up the steps carved out of rock.
It had been an hour since they had commented on how beautiful it all was, that had drained away into exhaustion as they simply tried to find a vantage point. Yes, there were signs and other people scattered here and there, but Lauren knew they would have to make it out of the rainforest itself, climbing up to the road to get the bus, or to stop in one of the restaurants or cafés to truly appreciate the view.
Cass was the only one who seemed to be in love with the rainforest, eyes taking it all in like she couldn’t believe the colour. Trying to match up this version of Cassidy with the one who was all heeled boots and sparkly leggings on the dance floor at university was almost impossible. These memories would sit side by side, a before and after, a sign that people could grow and change and wear green khaki shorts without the judgement of their past selves.
‘I’m tired!’ Vee sighed, a permanent pout marring her features.
‘Oh look. kiddo, we’re almost at the top, okay? And then we’ll catch our breath before we go to the chocolate shop!’ Cass told her daughter, reaching out to pat her arm. Lauren didn’t mention that the chocolate shop may be on the other side of the canyon. Whatever it took to get to the top. All she wanted was to know they’d be standing at the top soon, breathing air that didn’t fight her lungs when she inhaled.
Cass gave Vee a teasing smile, nudging her as she adjusted her hat. ‘Look, if I can do it, you can do it.’
She hurried ahead, taking two steps at a time so she could reach the next landing. The lush greenery framed her perfectly, the bright blue sky peeking through the canopy. They looked up at her, standing there all triumphant, struggling for breath, grinning at them with her skinny arms waving about, her floppy hat shielding her from the sun. Lauren almost reached for her phone to take a picture, there was so much joy and cheekiness in the movement. And then, almost in slow motion, Cass fell.
In that moment, time seemed infinite, like her body wouldn’t move quickly enough. All she could register was Veronica’s painful scream of ‘Mummy!’ before she went hurtling up the steps to the landing, throwing herself on top of Cass. ‘Mummy, Mummy!’
Lauren could feel her brain shutting down in panic. It was becoming hard to even see, the beating in her chest a painful gallop that made her dizzy.
Hey there, Loll, it’s fine, Cass’s voice inside her head said, calm and soothing. You just have to be calm for Vee, okay? You have to take control and not be scared.
Lauren nodded to herself, running up the steps and trying not to look at Vee’s face, streaming with tears as she pawed at her mother.
‘Vee, sweetheart, this is very important, okay? You need to go up ahead, up those steps and anyone you find, you ask them for help and to call an ambulance.’
Vee looked frozen in panic. ‘I can’t!’
‘You absolutely can – I’m going to lift your mum and we’ll be right behind you, okay? But the sooner we get help, the better.’
She felt like she was on autopilot, calling after her, ‘Keep yelling back so I know where you are, okay?’
‘Okay!’ Vee looked back one more time before scampering up the trail.
Lauren looked at Cass, unconscious but breathing. She briefly checked for any cuts, and prayed that any moment, Cass would wake up, laughing about what a fright she’d given them. Dehydration, exhaustion, that had to be all it was. She fanned her, tried pouring some water on her face. Should she even be moving her? There was no phone signal this low down, and even if there was, how would she tell them where they were? No, she was making the right decision. They had to get to the road.
Just make a decision, Loll, and go with it. Trust yourself, you’re smart. You can do this.
She crouched down, putting an arm under Cass and standing up with her. It was so strangely reminiscent of that year when she’d had to keep barging into bars, pubs and clubs to rescue her, unable to stand up on her own. She’d turned up in her pyjamas most nights, nodding at the bouncers who had started to recognise her, knowing she was there to make their lives easier. She’d find Cass passed out in the toilets or curled around a stranger in the smoking area, and lift her up, take her home, tuck her into bed. She was capable of looking after her, she always had been strong enough.
Lauren took the full weight of her onto her own body, realising just how weightless and frail Cass had become. It was hard because of the heat and the pressure, and she had to keep that fearful little voice in her head at bay, the one that told her everything was about to go terribly wrong. The one that kept replaying Cass’s fall and Veronica’s scream. But she could do it, she could absolutely carry her.
‘Don’t do this now,’ she whispered as she held Cass round the waist, trying not to drag her feet as she climbed the steps. ‘I didn’t even properly apologise for my part in all this. You want to hear that, don’t you? You want to hear me grovel and beg and tell you I was wrong?’
She heaved up another few steps, then stopped. ‘I’m meant to look after Vee, Cass, and I don’t know what to do. You still need to give me directions! We’ve still got to go home and have a big fancy party like Babs did.’
Another two steps, teetering as she pushed forward, almost dizzy with exertion.
‘Come on, we haven’t finished the book yet, you can’t go. We haven’t gone to bingo and pissed off all the old ladies, or been to one of those fancy spas and eaten the cucumber out of all the water jugs. I need you for that, we need to do it together. Please?’
‘Loll!’ Vee’s voice came from above. ‘A lady called an ambulance. They said stay there.’
The little girl started her descent, leaping back down to get to them, and Lauren watched with a detached sort of fear, hoping she didn’t fall, hoping this wasn’t the end, hoping that everything would be all right. She allowed her legs to buckle, collapsing in relief as she guided Cass back down to the ground.
Vee launched herself at them both, stroking back hair from Cass’s face as she spoke gently.
‘It’ll be okay, Mummy, it’ll be okay. Storm says you’re strong.’
The sight of the little girl, tears streaming down her face as she tried to comfort her mother, was too much. She had called her Mummy. She knew what was happening.
Lauren put an arm around Veronica, holding her close but saying nothing. In her head, she ran through every single thing she meant to say. Every missed text message, life moment, joke about her mother. She wanted to scream that she’d only just got her friend back, life had only just started to sparkle again. Please don’t leave, everything’s always broken without you. I don’t know how to be me without you.
As the sound of the air ambulance became more distinct, blocking out the light above them, Lauren held them both close to her. She knew what she needed to tell Cass. Everything burned down to the two things that were always true:
I’m sorry, and I love you.