‘Loll! Loooolllll!’ Cass yelled, hollering on the front door. Her tongue felt fuzzy and fluffy, and it was hard to focus. She was sure that was Loll’s front door. It had that stupid doormat with some joke on it. She hammered on the door again.
Why wasn’t Loll answering? She’d been avoiding her for weeks, replying late to her text messages, never around to meet up. She had to work, she had to study, she had to plan the fucking wedding of the year. Didn’t matter that Cass was alone, that her mum was dying. That her mum had died.
She’d called Lauren thirty-two times since it happened that afternoon, and her best friend hadn’t answered once. She hadn’t even sent a text. It had to be Darren. Darren had gotten to her, convinced her that Cass was a bad influence. Speak of the bastard.
‘Cass, you’re drunk.’ Darren sighed, rubbing his hand across his eyes. He was still dressed in his shirt and grey trousers from work. It couldn’t be that late then. Loll would be home soon.
‘And you’re a dickhead.’ She strode into the house, pushing past him. ‘Where’s Loll? She s’no’ answering.’
She rested her hand on the wall, feeling the world start to spin. At least she’d made it to Loll’s before passing out. That was something.
‘Maybe she didn’t want to talk to you,’ Darren answered. ‘Come in, by the way. Make yourself at home, as always.’
She tried to glare, but struggled to focus. ‘I need to see her.’
‘Surprised you can see anything, the state you’re in,’ Darren snorted, walking over to the kitchen, brushing past her in retaliation.
Cass took a deep breath. ‘Darren, just … just can we not? Not now?’
‘What, you want to call a truce? Is it the end of the world?’
Cass forced herself to meet his eyes. ‘Yes. My mum just died.’
‘Oh.’ The shock was clear on his face, he suddenly didn’t know how to be mean to someone when they were in pain. Even when it was Cass. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Thanks. I just want Loll. I want Loll and then I’ll go home.’
Her voice broke on the word home. It had been empty for a while, but still, what was home without your mum, your only family?
She heard the clink of glasses, and when she looked, Darren was holding out a tumbler of whisky and gesturing to the sofa. He listened to her, as if he were a stranger, not that narcissistic arsehole her friend had tied herself to. He nodded and made eye contact, sympathetic noises and sad eyes. He touched her hand, patting it gently, whilst he topped up the tumbler. Finally, she thought through her drunken haze, maybe this is the nice guy he’s been hiding, the one only Loll sees. Maybe we’ll be all right with each other from now on. He knows I’m human, I’m not trying to hurt anyone. He knows we both love Loll.
Darren spoke softly, about how much he missed Loll, how late she worked, how hard she was trying to be the best. He knew it wasn’t fair to miss her, but he did. He couldn’t complain, but she understood, didn’t she? She understood what it was like to miss Loll, how horrible it was to be alone?
She nodded, feeling the tears well up as she struggled to balance. She’d be alone now, always. Except for Loll. She’d always have Loll. Where was she, why wasn’t she here? She’d see them getting along and she’d be pleased, she’d know it was a new chapter. Maybe everything would be better from now on. Even without her mum around.
She could sleep, she knew. She could feel the abyss of unconsciousness in her near future, and she revelled in it. Tomorrow would be horrible, but at least she’d be asleep. She hadn’t slept properly for weeks, she always needed to be blacked out from the booze. It was the only way to get rest.
Darren’s hand rubbed her back, and she felt like a child, like someone cared. She couldn’t remember the last time someone had hugged her. Her mum had stopped, in the end. She’d been cruel to try and stop her coming to the hospice, tried to push her away. She didn’t want to be seen as weak. And still, Cass went, to the spiteful words and outraged eyes, because where else could she go, who else did she have? She wanted a hug from her Loll, that would make it better. Someone to put their arms around her and tell her she was loved.
When lips touched hers, she wasn’t really sure what was happening. They were soft but fuzzy, tasted of whisky and pizza sauce, and these hands seemed to come from nowhere, touching her back and tugging at her clothes, rough fingertips reaching for her skin.
‘Nngh,’ she mumbled, not really sure if it was easier to kiss back in the hopes that whoever this body was, it would let her sleep soon. Unconsciousness felt strange, like walking through the corridors of your own mind, feeling your body through a pane of glass, not quite yours, but not quite other. She was Cass, wearing a body as a suit. Something far away and ill-fitting.
She reached for him, she remembered that much. She had pulled him to her. It had happened so many times before, the easiest way to oblivion with a man she didn’t know. Except this time it wasn’t a man she didn’t know. It was a man she despised.
When she jolted awake, he was sitting across from her on the sofa, fully dressed, drinking a cup of coffee like nothing had happened. The whisky was back in the cupboard, the glasses washed up and put away. There was even a plate of fucking biscuits on the coffee table.
‘She’s never going to forgive you for this, you know,’ Darren said, dipping a biscuit in his coffee, his expression thoughtful.
Cass felt terror clutch at her heart as she looked down at herself. She couldn’t have, really? Why? Why would she have done that? The impending hangover rang about her throat. She was going to be sick. Why would he do that? He hated her. He loved Loll.
‘It’s the one thing she loves most about me, how much I hate you,’ Darren snorted. ‘Fucked up, really, for a best friend, don’t you think? She’s so obsessed with being in your shadow, being more boring than you, more quiet. Being invisible. And now you’ve gone and slept with her fiancé.’
‘But—’ Cass blinked, trying to understand, ‘but she’ll be angry at you too! You betrayed her too! Why would you do that?’
Darren shrugged, a smug smile on his face. It was how relaxed he was that made Cass panic. He just lounged on the sofa, drinking his coffee, no guilt, no worries at all.
‘Opportunity, I guess.’
‘So you’re just another lad who’ll take a shag whenever he can get it?’
‘And you’re just another slag who doesn’t care who she fucks as long as someone wants her.’
Cass felt her chest crumble. This was too much. How was this happening?
‘How can you possibly hate me this much?’ She tried to stop her voice from trembling.
‘It’s easy. You think the world should love you. You think you deserve things just because you’re pretty and charming. You make Lauren run around after you, getting up at three a.m. to find you in some club, or listen to you whenever you need to moan.’
‘She’s my friend, I love her.’
‘You don’t love her, she’s like a pet to you. She’s anxious and doesn’t want to let people down, and that’s worse when you’re around. She’s never going to be the person she could be if you’re here, dragging her down with your … drama.’
Cass blinked. ‘But … but I love her. You don’t understand us. We’re … we’re us. She knows.’ The room started to spin and Cass gripped the edge of the sofa. ‘Why would you do it? I don’t understand.’
It wasn’t true. She’d known men who’d screwed her as if they hated her, who wanted to dominate and control her. Men she’d teased and embarrassed who wanted to destroy her. She knew how men could be. She knew they always said the same thing – it was her fault, it was who she was, what she’d said, how she’d treated them. And yet, she’d reached for him. She’d reached out in the dark for a moment, just to be in someone’s arms. This was her fault. Darren smiled as he saw the realisation on her face.
‘Who do you think she’ll choose, Cass? The person she’s been in the shadow of for all these years, always causing trouble and drama? Or the dependable fiancé who was tricked by a drunk, vindictive girl who couldn’t stand her friend having something she couldn’t?’
‘You can’t have planned this, you’re not smart.’ She stood up, wobbling slightly, the desire to vomit suddenly visceral.
He raised his hands, so sure of himself, the way he was when he chose wine at a restaurant, or started talking about his salary. ‘If you’d pushed me away, Cass, I would have stopped. You’re always testing people, aren’t you? I saw an opportunity to test you. And now you’ll have to live with the consequences.’
‘She’s my best friend. She knows me. She’s never even been particularly bothered about you!’ Cass felt like a child, fists clenched, shouting at the adult who wouldn’t be baited.
‘She’s marrying me.’
‘After this comes out? We’ll see,’ Cass spat, grabbing her bag and heading towards the door.
Darren’s voice rang out behind her.
‘You could solve the problem by going away. You have no reason to stay anymore now, right? Your mum’s gone. You’ve betrayed Lauren. Why not save her feelings and just go?’
Cass rounded with so much speed she thought she might trip over, rage emanating from her fingertips. ‘Because like fuck am I going and leaving her with you! I’m going to tell her the truth, and then we’ll both be gone and you can enjoy your pathetic little life.’
Cass rushed straight out to find Lauren, who had been in exams all day. She called and called, desperate to get to her first.
When she finally got a call back, a couple of hours later, Cass wasn’t sure what news to start with – her loss or her betrayal. She tried to explain, she tried to make it okay. If you told the truth, everything would be fine. That’s what her mum had said. That people couldn’t help but love her, that they’d always forgive her as long as she was honest and said sorry. She knew she was a fucking mess, she knew she’d done a bad thing. But surely he was worse? And surely Loll would still love her anyway? She always had before.
She had thought the playing field would be fair, though, that was the problem. That for Lauren, it was a choice between the two people who had betrayed her – the best friend and the boyfriend. The oldest story in time. She hadn’t accounted for a different turn of events.
‘Darren said it didn’t happen.’ Loll’s cold voice was clipped as she called her in the morning to ‘sort this whole thing out’.
‘What?’
‘He says it didn’t happen. You came over drunk and he made you coffee, and you were talking about your mum and suddenly you tried to climb into his lap and kiss him. He said you were really drunk.’
‘That’s not what happened!’
Lauren groaned, exasperated. ‘Why would he shag you, Cass? He thinks you’re a mess. He hates you, he’s always hated you.’
‘And I’ve always hated him!’
‘That’s never stopped you from fucking someone before,’ Lauren said, and Cass could hear those words as clearly as if they’d come from Darren’s mouth.
‘This is what he wants!’ Cass said desperately. ‘He wants me gone, he wants you to hate me.’
‘Then he’s got what he wanted,’ Lauren said. ‘I put up with a lot from you, being your little sidekick, always being your shoulder to cry on. Being invisible because people can’t see past the magic of Cassidy Jones. And I didn’t mind, because I thought you loved me. But you’re a liar. You tried to take what’s mine, and finally, you found someone who didn’t want you.’
‘That’s not … Loll, please—’
‘I’m sorry, Cass,’ Lauren said, her voice clipped and tight so that Cass couldn’t even imagine any tears. ‘I can’t even think about you without wanting you to drop dead. This is too much. You’re too much. I never thought … I knew you were a mess but … we’re done. Okay? We’re done.’
‘Loll, please don’t—’
The line was dead, and Cass curled up in her childhood room, surrounded by objects she’d treasured and posters she’d adored, wondering why her mother had lied to her.
*
Lauren’s falling apart was of a different sort. She didn’t rant or rave or scream. She just reverted to type. She sat at her kitchen table and watched her fiancé as he straightened his tie and pressed buttons on their fancy coffee machine. She went to work, and went to study, and hid from the world. The anxiety that had been building up got worse, and there was no Cass to hold her hand, to remind her to breathe. She stood in the toilet cubicle at work, clutching her own hand, pressing her thumb into her palm with such force that she left a red imprint.
She was alone in the world again. Pretending to be strong, when the ground felt like it was shaking, her chest in a vice as she thought to herself that she must be dying. On the outside, the world was still, and inside she was trembling.
Her GP gave her medication without even questioning it – she had a nervous disposition, she was under pressure, she was anxious. It softened the hard edges, but made her feel untethered. The memories felt further away, the times she spent with Cass, the holidays, the laughter, they faded into something she hoped might be a nostalgia.
It was just growing up, Darren said. She was becoming a new type of person. He never apologised, or tried to make anything up to her, because he had nothing to feel guilty about. Instead, Cass was suddenly out of their lives, a hole, a cauterised bullet wound, tissue growing in and around but never quite covering it over. A loss that throbbed daily.
Lauren thought there’d be more from Cass – more apologies, more drunken voicemails, turning up at the front door to demand to be heard, to fight for their friendship. When she didn’t, it was a relief, but confirmed that she’d never really cared that much anyway. She was just Cassidy Jones’s sidekick. It would have hurt, if she could feel anything at all.
Other people fell apart outwardly. They drank or cried or wanted to destroy the world. Lauren’s destruction was like a slow rotting from the inside, like the cliffs that crumble into the sea. She became the exact opposite of what Darren expected – she was more nervous, more timid and scared and tired. She wanted to buck herself up, go for her dreams, reach out and be the best.
But there was no voice in her head anymore, telling her that she could do it, that she was brilliant and wonderful and loved. That she was capable of excellent things. That voice had died the moment Cass did what she did. And who could trust the voice of a liar, anyway?