Chapter 23

The plane ride back to England was sombre and exhausting. Lauren kept going to ask the air hostess for a gin and tonic, and then remembering she was a guardian now. She had to hold her feelings to care for Vee’s.

The little girl sat numbly, staring at the screen, watching some animated movie, Storm the husky at her side. She kept stroking her own wrist, the remnants of the most recent wolf drawing now faded, only the odd biro line showing.

It was Lauren’s job to care for her now. To make decisions and make the ones that Cass would have made. She had to figure out how to get Cass home to England, and that had been a headache.

Sorry I couldn’t make it easier for you, babe, not really my style.

It was easy to imagine what Cass would say, it always had been. And having this time together, this last journey, had just enlivened that little voice in her head. The kindness she was capable of, the forgiveness. How she had always believed in fairness, a trade-off – a coffee for a hurtful word, a beautiful book for a misunderstanding, a child for a betrayal.

Lauren had been sure she would have a panic attack, she could hear the words swirling in the back of her mind, each worry competing for attention, eager to tell her how awful everything would be. How everyone would judge her, how she’d do a bad job, how Vee would come to hate her. Whenever these thoughts threatened, she stroked Vee’s hair, or touched the Big Book. It seemed to keep the thoughts at bay.

She kept thinking of how she called Paul to tell him, and he was so terribly quiet, a sad little, ‘Oh,’ that made her question whether he’d heard her properly. In the background she’d heard Sandy say, ‘She’s left us, hasn’t she?’ and the honking nose blowing into a hanky that could only be Barry.

‘How are you?’ he’d asked in those tender tones. ‘How’s Veronica?’

What words are there to reply when someone asks that? Sometimes there are only lies that you hope will become truths: ‘We’ll be okay.’

The plane journey was broken up by fitful bouts of sleep, nonsensical dreams of the past where Cass in her smeared green eyeshadow and huge curly blonde hair had grabbed her hand, led her through the club. She’d taken her to the bar and said, ‘Meet my friend Loll.’ Cass winked and she always woke up, this ache in her chest for those days, and how much simpler it would have been if everything went to plan. She eventually caved and ordered a glass of wine whilst Vee was sleeping, her face pushed against Storm, using the toy as a pillow.

It was tempting to use this flight as preparation – she had to have everything worked out by the time they landed. Death left this void that seemed to be filled with paperwork and decisions, and yet, it seemed, as always Cass had prepared for that. This had been her story, and she decided how it ended and what happened after she was gone.

Cass hadn’t just been ticking off their adventures in the Big Book, or writing in memories as she had scribbled away. She’d started an entirely new book. Their list had only ever taken up the first ten or eleven pages, ideas and dreams cramped in on the paper as if there would never be enough room. Halfway through the book, a new story began, in Cass’s swirly, slanted writing.

The title was written in capitals and underlined:

LOOKING AFTER YOU

So this had been what she’d been working on, frantically scribbling as she felt the end grow closer.

She’d tried to cover as much as she’d learnt of motherhood as she could, all the ways she knew to make her child happy, keep their life ticking over. A journal, a memory box, an advice column, all with Cass’s voice singing out in laughter from behind smudged ink.

Really, it was a Vee manual, and Lauren had never been so grateful in all her life. All the things she saw now that Cass was trying to teach her when she’d talk about Vee – how she’d only drink hot chocolate if it was stirred a certain way, and she only liked the red jelly babies, or green apples. She had been trying to prepare her for the role she’d picked out for Lauren long ago.

Each of these facts about Veronica was written down, everything she could remember, from allergies and fears to the lyrics to the special toothbrush song. Cass told her that when she’d been through treatment last time, Vee’s imaginary friend Matilda had arrived. She might come back, after I’m gone. Be nice to Matilda. She likes banana cake and ponies. Don’t try and hurry her along, she’ll go when Vee’s ready. Don’t panic about it.

A mother who even knew the dietary requirements of her daughter’s imaginary friend. Something like guilt sat in Lauren’s chest. She had doubted her. She had known an angry, sad, confused, brilliant girl when they were nineteen and she’d assumed she was just doing okay as a mum. She should have known she was excellent. If you loved Cass, she would give you the world. She would give you everything she could.

Here were all the conversations she had meant to have with her friend, the unsent text messages and unshared stories – Cass had shared them here. So Lauren wouldn’t panic, and wouldn’t feel alone.

There were pages and pages of instructions for being Veronica’s mother. Her memories, her lessons, her naughty moments. I’m not trying to make you a copy of me, Loll, just use this when you need someone who knows. And don’t let me be forgotten. So someone can tell her about how much she cried when she was born, and how when I tried to change her nappy for the first time, I threw up on her. Keep my memories safe, Loll. Use them when you need to.

Halfway through, there was a set of bullet points titled, Looking after Loll. The first one made her snort.

‘God, you still know me better than I know myself,’ she mumbled under her breath, taking a sip of the wine from her plastic cup, and looking down at Vee’s sleeping face, bottom lip jutting.

The book was like a lifeline, a physical thing that remained of the woman who had existed only in her mind and memories for years. This trip could have been a dream, except she was coming home with a daughter to a completely new life.

Lauren felt that was a rather poignant place to end, and wondered if Cass had known that it would be the last entry. It was only when she turned the page that she saw, Wear some fucking colours! that she laughed, hysterically, trying to quieten herself as they turned into tears. She checked to make sure Vee was undisturbed, briefly stroking her hair back from her face, before allowing herself to cry properly. She was returning home to a new life, but this time, she got to keep Cassidy with her.