‘Hey, Vee, you ready?’ Loll called up the stairs, grasping the bannister. ‘Do you want breakfast here or shall we get something on the pier?’
Vee poked her head over from the landing. ‘Doughnuts for breakfast?’
Loll paused, thinking of what her mother would say about setting up bad habits for life. Then she thought about what Cass would say. ‘It’s a Saturday, let’s live a little.’
‘Is Mr T coming to the pier today?’
Loll shook her head. ‘Nope, you’re stuck with just me, that okay?’
Vee grinned, nodding, before thundering down the stairs.
Paul had been around. They all had, that ragtag family who had joined together to help a young woman who was all alone raise her child. They were doing it again. The same, but different. The sun and the moon.
It had been weird to live in the little house that was once Cass’s, but they’d agreed it didn’t seem right to move, not just yet. When Vee felt like it was time, they would. There was no hurry. Matilda had turned up briefly to necessitate cooking banana bread every few days (Cass had included a recipe in the book) but there’d been less talk of her the last couple of weeks. She seemed to have other places to be.
Living in Cass’s house with so many of her things around, it felt like sitting in a hug. Well, there were the odd moments where there was something dull stuck in her chest that she’d never manage to extract, so it’d just sit there, aching. But even that felt right, somehow. She’d get up in Cass’s bedroom and wonder if there was a time she should change it, just to claim it as hers, but it had already been decorated in her style. It was exactly what she would have chosen, and when Barry revealed that Cass had asked him to repaint it whilst they were away, Lauren wasn’t surprised. Touched, and tearful, but not surprised. Her heart just swelled with gratitude. She had it when she sat in bed with Vee, reading to her, and saw that mobile hanging by the window, an uneven moon and sun circling each other, never meeting.
Vee liked to say every morning to her, ‘You are a glorious moon, Auntie Loll.’
‘And you are the beautiful Earth, baby girl,’ she always replied, as if she were channelling Cass.
She was a stand-in, always second best, like Nuria said. And yet, she was the best person for the job. She had the family that Cass had created for them – the people in the community who wanted to help, the strangers who wanted to become friends. The endless food people brought. Paul had been there, never asking for anything, but asking her how she was, whether her divorce had come through. Making her laugh. Making Vee laugh. Making it feel okay to be happy every now and then.
The phone rang as Vee ran down the stairs, and Loll took a breath before answering it.
‘Hey, Mum, we’re just heading out, can I give you a call later?’ She rested the phone in the crook of her hand as she expertly plaited Vee’s hair into two pigtails.
‘Well, that’s a bit rude, Lauren,’ her mother huffed. ‘I was just calling to see how you were. You and little Veronica.’
‘I know, Mum, and I appreciate it. But we’ve got our Saturday-morning routine, you know that.’
‘I hope you’re wrapping that child up warmly, she’ll get a cold going down to that beach without enough layers on.’
Loll took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and then opened one to look at Veronica, sticking her tongue out.
‘I am, I don’t need you to tell me that.’
‘I’ve been a mother, Lauren, I know things you don’t.’
‘And I know Vee. And Cass,’ she turned around to check the back door, gesturing for Vee to sit down at the table. She softened her voice, ‘I will need you, Mum, I will ask you for advice and help. But you’ve got to let me come to you. Right now, honestly, I’ve got this. I was meant to do this.’
She waited for her mother to huff, make a sharp comment or even hang up on her. Instead, Martha laughed.
‘Good for you,’ she said, ‘such confidence! But don’t forget her coat. I’ll call you later.’
Loll smiled to herself, shaking her head. Her mother was changing. Or rather, she had changed, and her mother was responding. It seemed easier, somehow, since she decided not to let her mother make her feel small. She had been given an important task, and she was going to do it.
Martha had even been quietly supportive of her working. She was using her law degree, at least. Cass’s colleagues at the charity had given Loll a little work, looking over contracts for tenants they felt had been illegally evicted by landlords. It was sad, but good work. She felt like she was helping. Even in her tiny way, she was doing something useful. That had always been the goal. To be good for something more than herself. She was starting to put together cases. Starting to care again. There was potential everywhere.
Vee sat at the kitchen table and reached into the special box they had placed there. She held her wrist out, a demanding look on her face.
‘A new one already?’
‘Well if you didn’t make me scrub so hard when I clean …’ Vee said and Loll stuck her tongue out.
‘We’ll have to find somewhere else to put them when the hot weather comes and the school notices,’ she said, peeling the sticky label back and placing it face down on Vee’s wrist, daubing the back with water.
‘No, they have to be nice to me because I miss Cassy,’ Vee said with such certainty that Loll laughed. She was definitely her mother’s daughter.
The temporary tattoos had arrived a week after they got home. Cass had ordered them, stealthy as always. They were Loll’s wolf drawings, different cubs and grown wolves, some together, some alone. She had ordered three hundred and sixty-five different temporary tattoos for Vee, so she’d never have to feel like she wasn’t one of the pack. It was just creative and crazy enough to be the thing that helped Vee heal.
She smiled for the first time that day, and every day after, the moment of applying that tattoo, or even just looking at it. Laying her wrist next to Loll’s at night seemed to make her happier.
‘Okay, all done, let’s go!’
Loll helped Vee into her little yellow rain jacket, her pink gloves in the pocket. She slipped Cass’s long bottle-green coat over her own clothes, a red jumper and black trousers, and picked up the polka-dot umbrella, just in case.
They walked to the pier in quiet companionship, and as she so often did on a Saturday, Loll wondered whether Vee was okay, how badly she missed her mother, and whether she was happy. This was her routine. Her time to worry. She kept it in shifts. Saturday walk was worry time, and during that time she chatted with the little version of Cass she kept in her head.
You’re doing fine, Loll, you’re a natural.
But what if she’s unhappy?
Well I should fucking hope so, she just lost her mother. I’m not forgettable, am I?
Never.
Then calm down. You’re doing such a good job. And when you’re ready, you can build on this life instead of just living in it.
I’m just borrowing it for a while, Loll thought to herself.
Good, that’s what I designed it for.
It was chilly, but dry, and they stood looking over the edge of the pier into the waves, choppy and insistent under a sky that promised spring. This was where they’d sprinkled Cass’s ashes, and came to talk to her. Vee said Cass had always wanted to be a mermaid.
Loll laughed to herself about plumbing hidden depths, and missed Cass fiercely, the only other person who would have understood and laughed along. Then, she realised, today had to be the day.
They stood before the roller-coaster, and Loll held out her hand, palm up. ‘Come on.’
‘Really?’ Vee squealed, taking her hand and dragging her to the ticket desk, where they gave the young kid more than the ticket price, because that’s what Cass would have done.
As the rickety cart climbed the rail, Loll felt herself start to shake.
‘You’re okay,’ Vee said, smiling at her, ‘it’s good to be scared sometimes. Lift up your hands and scream.’
It was there, at that moment, she felt it. Hovering at the top of the track, about to fall, the girl in the green coat being seen from the shore. She clasped hands with Vee as they started to slide forward.
Here we go …
The End
If you enjoyed reading about the incredible journey of Cass and Loll, you can find your next Andrea Michael right here.
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