Chapter Twenty-Three

There were three lifeboats drifting away from the ship when Penelope and Ruby emerged from the stairwell back onto the Boat Deck.

Despite three boats already being gone and many more still loading, even more people than before crowded the small deck. Given how far Titanic had already sunk, no one could pretend that she would survive now.

Rather than plead with people to get into the lifeboats, the stewards were having to push people back, reminding those who approached that it was women and children first.

Penelope stood to the side, watching the commotion with dull eyes.

If she believed herself to have been cold before, it was nothing compared to what she felt now, with the cold air hitting her soaked clothes. The convulsions that racked her body caused her teeth to chatter and her bones to ache, and no matter how much she huddled in on herself, nothing helped.

“We need to find my family…” Ruby started, but Penelope shook her head, arms wound tightly around herself. “Penelope, I’m not saying that means stopping looking for yours, but if we get their help…”

Again, Penelope shook her head. She finally found the strength to explain. “I’m not saying that. Go and find them. I’ll wait here.”

Ruby moved to stand in front of her, her gloved hands cupping her face, but Penelope couldn’t even feel it. Everything was numb, from her body to her mind. “We promised not to separate. I’m not leaving—”

“Ruby…find your family. And bring them here. I just… I need to… I can’t stop…” Her teeth chattered so much that it made talking difficult. She trailed off with an aggravated grunt, trying to wrap her arms farther around herself.

“If you’re sure.” Ruby’s eyes narrowed into a glare. “Do not move from this spot, do you understand? Move and I will find you just to kill you.”

Despite the amount of effort it took her, Penelope tugged her lips into a grin. “I understand.” She looked around and found a bench nearby. Then she forced herself to take the five or so steps needed to make it there. “I won’t move from here. I promise.”

Ruby stared at her for a moment longer, as if ensuring she was telling the truth, then she nodded and took off. Penelope watched her go until she disappeared among the crowd.

With nothing else to do but wait, Penelope focused on the people around her.

The sight of mothers cradling children to their chests wrenched at her heart. The poor babies had no idea what was happening or why they were wide awake so far past their bedtime. And their mothers were putting on brave faces even as they waved goodbye to husbands and fathers, not knowing whether they’d make it into a lifeboat of their own.

“No! I refuse!”

Blinking, Penelope turned her attention to an elderly woman with greying hair hastily combed and pinned up.

Her face was soft, kind, the sort of face that despite being lined with age, still displayed the beauty she’d had in youth. She had a lifebelt secured over her chest, and, much like everyone else, was dressed rather improperly for such a public place, her modesty only saved by the coat she wore.

“I have been by your side for forty-years. Do not ask me to leave you now.” She was addressing an elderly man whom Penelope could only assume was her husband. He was balding and had a thick beard and a pair of glasses perched on his nose. “We either both get in that boat, or we both stay here.”

The man shook his head. “I cannot, in good conscience, get into a lifeboat when there are still women and children to be saved.”

His wife smiled at him, nothing but love and adoration in her gaze. She reached for his hands and gripped them both tightly in her own. “Then we stay here. Where you go, I go.” Her eyes narrowed in a playful glare, “And you know that arguing gets you nowhere, Isidor.”

Huffing a laugh, Isidor brought his wife’s hands to his lips and pressed a fierce kiss to her fingers. “Then come, and let us not crowd the area for those still loading.” He guided his wife’s hand into the crook of his elbow, and they headed towards the back of the ship.

As Penelope watched them go, she removed one hand from around her midriff to wipe at the tears that had fallen from her eyes.

They were so utterly devoted to each other that, even after forty years, they refused to leave each other’s side.

Penelope had never believed she would ever find a love like that. She knew she would never find it with a man, and the chances of finding a woman who would love her in such a devoted way were slim when it was something they couldn’t be public about.

And yet, now, as she sat there thinking about Isidor and his wife, she thought of Ruby.

She couldn’t say she loved her—she barely even knew her—but they had been through so much in such a short time that she felt as though her soul was tied to her.

Ruby had been there when she’d felt like she would never find another girl who felt the same way she did. Ruby had taught her what it was like to laugh and be daring for a change. Ruby had shown her that being adventurous was just as important as everything else she had been raised to be, and Ruby was there now, as they navigated their way through a disaster neither of them could have ever imagined.

How could she not think that the woman was tied to her?

Who was to say that this wasn’t her chance to know devotion, no matter how brief? Even if it lasted only for a few more hours before she knew nothing more of the world, she could at least depart knowing she had felt that.

With a deep sigh, Penelope returned her arms to around her stomach. Those were thoughts for later—if there was a later, of course—and she couldn’t be distracted by them now.

“Penelope! Penelope!”

Ruby rushed to her side, and before Penelope could say a thing, Ruby dragged her into a standing position. “Daddy has a space for us on a boat! Victoria and the children are boarding right now, we have to go!” Ruby gripped her hand tightly and started to drag her through the crowds and towards the other side of the ship.

“Wait, Ruby!” She yanked her hand free, tucking it under her armpit so Ruby couldn’t reach it again. She shook her head fiercely. “What do you mean, there’s a boat?”

“A lifeboat. Daddy managed to find one for us. One that knows we’re coming, so…” Ruby stretched out her hand towards her.

“I… I thought the plan was to find your family so they could help me find mine?” She glanced briefly over Ruby’s shoulder, finding a lifeboat being loaded with women and children, as were most of the others. More men seemed to be standing around this side of the ship.

“That was the plan. Victoria and Frank even agreed with me—”

Penelope cut her off, voice sharp. “Then why are we going into a boat?”

Ruby let out a long breath. “Because Daddy arrived, and he refused. He wouldn’t let us go down with the ship. But I mentioned you and he told me I could come and get you! I promised I wouldn’t leave you, Penelope!” Ruby approached her, taking Penelope’s face in both hands.

Her words caused Penelope to frown, surprised at their resemblance to the words Isidor’s wife had said to him.

With a deep inhale, Penelope wondered if things would have been different for the elderly couple if they had been younger. Would he have insisted his wife board because she had her life ahead of her? Would she have gone because she hadn’t had decades of marriage to point at and declare it enough?

Exhaling, Penelope covered Ruby’s hands with her own. “Let’s go to the boat.”

Ruby’s answering smile was breathtaking. It reminded Penelope of the very first true smile she had seen from her when she had volunteered to help watch the children with her. How open it had been, how it had totally transformed and lit up her face, morphing her from beautiful to ethereal.

Ruby turned and led Penelope through the crowds, a flurry of apologies breaking free from her mouth as she pushed and nudged people in a most unbecoming manner.

There was a group of people around the lifeboat when they finally reached it, and Penelope spotted Victoria, Frank, Liam, and Julia, along with Ruby’s father.

All their eyes landed on her when they finally reached them. She had no doubt that she looked a state, still shivering intermittently, and still utterly drenched, though she could no longer feel that much.

“Miss Fletcher,” Ruby’s father said by way of greeting, tugging at his forelock in lieu of his absent hat. She smiled at him, unable to make her mouth cooperate with words. “I’m sorry our second meeting must be under such circumstances.”

As am I, she wanted to say, but no sound came.

She wondered if she’d ever be able to speak again. She wanted to say a lot of things—to apologise that he was ill and to promise to look after his daughter, to care for her. She wanted to thank him for raising Ruby so well, to praise him for bringing her up to be a bright star in the darkest of nights.

But all she could manage was a shaky smile that faded almost as soon as it had flickered onto her lips.

He turned away to the lifeboat, and as the crowd around the area started to thin, he waved his arm to bid his family to move.

He reached for his son first, kneeling to his level and whispering something in his ear.

Then he embraced him tightly, a tear falling down over his lined cheek which he brushed away on Liam’s lifebelt.

When he pulled away, he gently stroked Liam’s jaw with his knuckles before hoisting him into his arms. The seaman in the lifeboat took him from his father, settling him between two women who wrapped their arms around his shoulders, comforting him as he seemed to understand what was happening and started to cry.

Penelope watched Mr. Cole swallow hard before he turned away, reaching for Victoria’s hand. He gave her the same treatment, whispering in her ear and giving her a final embrace before guiding her into the boat. After that followed Julia, who, safely positioned between her mother and her uncle, turned to the front and asked, “Why isn’t Daddy coming with us?”

Penelope’s heart leapt to her throat and she had to turn away. She knew that, should she look much longer, her expression would give away the severity of the situation, which was no doubt the last thing Victoria and Frank wanted.

After saying something to the officer in charge of loading, Frank stepped up to the boat, but he didn’t board. “Daddy’s going to get on another boat, darling. This one is just for women and children. But Daddy will meet you later.” He swallowed heavily, reaching for her hand and pressing a fierce kiss to her knuckles. “I promise.”

Tears were streaming freely down Victoria’s face when Penelope finally found the strength to face them again. She watched as Victoria buried her face in her daughter’s hair, trying to mask her crying so that Julia didn’t notice. Penelope was thankful that it seemed to work.

Frank then stepped away from the boat, thanking the officer and rubbing at his eyes. He took a few steps away, watching from a distance, but out of sight of his wife and child.

Ruby’s father then beckoned Ruby forwards. She turned to Penelope, offering her a dazzling smile, and gave her hand a squeeze. It was the sort of squeeze that made it seem that, in five seconds’ time, they’d be holding hands again and it would be like they had never parted.

Once more Penelope watched the ritual as father embraced daughter, watched them whispering goodbyes into each other’s ears, speaking of their love in a way that was possible only for people facing their own mortality.

It made her heart ache.

Not just because it didn’t seem fair for a father to have to say a final farewell to his daughter in such a rushed manner, trying to fit a lifetime’s worth of love into a few seconds.

But also because she wouldn’t get to do that.

Her relationship with her parents may never have been as steady or as solid as the one Ruby shared with hers, but that didn’t mean anything.

In that moment, all Penelope wanted to do was let her parents know that, despite it all, she loved them. She needed them to know that she understood their feelings for her; that emotions were complicated. Penelope’s own mind had warped and twisted things to make them seem worse, and now she just wanted to let them know that she loved them.

Ruby was assisted into the boat by her father and the officer, and she settled herself on the other side of Liam, thanking the woman who had been comforting him before taking over.

She tucked her brother against her side, bringing his head to her chest as she ran her fingers through his hair.

Ruby then raised her head and met Penelope’s gaze. Her smile was a soft, gentle thing, beckoning Penelope closer. “Come, my dear, they want to start lowering the boat.”

Mr. Cole reached his hand out to Penelope, who stared blankly at it for a long moment before she finally got her mouth to work. She cleared her throat and asked, “Which boat is this? I… I understand they’re all numbered…?”

Mr. Cole turned to the officer and repeated the question, who answered, “Lifeboat sixteen,” before he turned and started to shout orders for it to be lowered. He focused his attention back on Penelope. “Hurry, Penelope, there’s no time to waste.”

“Penelope?” Ruby called out. She sat upright, her brother still resting on her chest, his eyes now closed. She looked so earnest. Her brows were furrowed, but she had a welcoming smile on her lips, as if she were trying to assuage Penelope’s fears.

Everything was still, quiet, floating away until all Penelope could think of and see was Ruby. All she heard were memories of her laughter, her voice, her moans.

“Penelope?”

Blinking, Penelope took one step backwards. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, unsure if Ruby would even be able to hear her. Then she took off into the crowd with Ruby’s cry of her name haunting her mind.