Ron and Ivan were standing outside of the Chapel of Despair as I pulled into the lot. They looked grim as they came over to me, and for a moment I worried that they were taking their job too seriously.
"Oh! It is only you!" Ron broke into a grin.
"You know what my van looks like," I grumbled.
"We do not take chances," Ivan said resolutely. "You said it was big deal."
"Which is why we need to see your ID." Ron held his hand out.
"No," I refused. "I'm the one who gave you the orders."
"You refuse?" Ivan seemed surprised. "Then you must be on your way."
I climbed out of the car and shut the door. The two men closed ranks in front of me but looked worried. Like they had missed part of an orientation and weren't sure how to proceed.
"Step aside, boys." I walked around them. "Don't make me fire you."
That stopped them in their tracks.
"Why would you do that?" Ron asked. "We are just doing our jobs!"
Ivan held out his hand. "We made business cards. We cannot return."
I took one of the cards that said Ron and Ivan—Chapel of Despair Security.
I handed it back and continued to the door.
"You will not even take one?" Ron sounded despondent.
"Put it on my windshield," I shouted over my shoulder. What were they thinking by trying to stop me? These two were not the smartest guys, and I knew I had to be very careful in giving directions, but still.
I found all four druids in the kitchen, making chocolate chip cookies. Stewie had a Thomas the Train apron on over his druid robes.
"What's going on?" I plucked a freshly baked cookie off the cooling rack and ate it.
"Bird Goddess." Kayla eyed me warily. "Why did you go to Kennedy's Landing today?"
I wasn't entirely surprised. "You know about that?"
"Yes, Kurt was following you."
Kurt appeared in the doorway. He was wearing a disguise that made him look like Kurt in a disguise. From the cheap wig to his golfing attire, the kid was hopeless. I waited as he consulted a small, flip notebook that had kittens on it. "She went to the Tabernacle of Terror and was there a long time. Then she had lunch with Kelly Albers, drove through the zoo, and got pulled over."
I snagged another cookie. "How did you get back here before me if you were following me?"
He looked confused. "I took the interstate. I was surprised you didn't."
That made sense. "And security outside didn't stop you from coming in?"
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Of course not. I know them, of course."
I was going to have a serious chat with those two when I was done in here.
"Thanks for hiring the security," Heather said. "Even if you are a traitor."
"I'm not a traitor. I went there undercover to find out a few things, by acting as if I was going to join them. Which I'm not, by the way. Honestly! You guys need to have a little more faith in me!"
"What did you find out?" Mike asked, his Adam's apple bobbing nervously.
"That we need a meditation room and wine cellar."
The kids looked confused.
"Never mind." I waved them off. "I have a couple of questions for you guys. First, did you find anything missing from the attack?"
Kayla spoke up as Stewie scooped cookie dough onto a baking sheet. "They took some files from the office. Stewbutt doesn't know which ones."
I had an idea that I knew. "Let me guess—the Beetle Dork rights contract with Blue Zombie Productions is missing."
The four kids gasped and looked at each other.
Kurt looked interested. "How did you know that?"
I didn't answer that. "Why is there a clause in the contract that says Beetle Dork's rights revert to someone else if any of you are convicted of a felony?"
Three pair of eyes grew wide. One pair did not.
"Stewie?" I took two more cookies, went to the fridge, and got some milk. "You seem to be the only one who knows this."
Everyone turned to him.
"What is she talking about?" Kayla's hands went to her hips. "What kind of idiot agrees to something like that?"
Stewie held up the spatula defensively. "I never in a million years thought that would be an issue!"
Heather narrowed her eyes. "We are masters of the dark arts! Didn't you think at some point we'd do something…dark?"
"No! Of course not!" Red creeped up his neck. "Why would I worry about that clause?"
"Because it's very," I said between mouthfuls of cookie, "very suspicious."
Stewie looked around for a defender. The girls were angry. Mike wouldn't meet his eyes. Kurt probably wondered why he was here. I wondered why he was here.
"They made me!" Stewie found his voice, which was a full octave higher than his own. "I had no choice!"
"Why didn't you have a lawyer look it over first?" I asked.
"There wasn't any time. When Blue Zombie approached me with the offer, their rep said the deal was only on the table for an hour, and even then it would require that clause."
"We should've kicked him out a long time ago," Heather grumped.
"You can't kick me out of my own cult!" Stewie stamped his foot weakly.
His words echoed through my mind, bouncing about and trying to find purchase. "Who did you talk to?"
"Sandy Nash." Stewie slumped. "She handles rights for Blue Zombie."
"Did they approach you? Were there other offers?" I had a lot of questions, but asking too many at once might make his head explode, and then where would we be?
"No." He squinted as he thought. "Blue Zombie approached me."
Was that how things worked? I would've thought that the cult would find an agent in order to shop the rights. It seemed off.
Kurt said what I was thinking. "You approach an agent. It's not the other way around. I know because I helped the guy at the tattoo parlor get an agent to sell his book about Lance Armstrong tattoos. The book I read said you find an agent and they shop the idea."
"You screwed up!" Kayla's hands were clenched fists. "Why didn't you do what Kurt said?"
Stewie cowered. "I didn't know, okay?"
I got between them, feeling a little badly for bringing this up in front of everyone. "Alright, let's cut the idiot some slack. He didn't know. Did you guys have any idea that's how it was supposed to go?"
Heather blanched. "If Stewie killing Deliria negates the contract, do we have to give all that money back? I already bought stuff!"
"Stewie has to be convicted of a felony, I think. Actually, I'm not sure because we don't have the contract."
Stewie brightened. "I have a copy! I gave it to Claire for safe keeping!"
I clapped my hands together. "There! You see? If we keep calm, then we can figure this out." I took out my cell and called Riley, who told me Claire was out meeting with a new client and when she got back he'd ask for the contract.
Was this a perfect solution? No. But it was something that would keep the cult from tearing Stewie to bits, or worse, quitting.
"We should join Sherman's cult," Heather snapped. "They have meditation stuff!"
Mike seemed to disagree. "Let's just wait to see what Bird Goddess finds out."
My cell went off, and I answered it, assuming it was Claire. "Do you have the contract?"
Amy was on the other end. "Um, I can make one up. Does that mean you're going to work with me?"
"Oh, hi Amy," I said quickly. "Sorry. I thought you were someone else."
I mouthed to the worried faces around me that this was not Sherman's cult.
"What? No! You can't go with someone else! I got to you first!" The woman sounded absolutely panicked.
"You misunderstand. It's a contract for a new car," I soothed. I looked at my cult and shrugged. "The dealer was putting together the paperwork for me."
"Oh good," Amy said. "I was just calling to tell you I've had offers for speaking engagements for Beetle Dork coming in all day! Does that sway you?"
"Maybe. I'm in the middle of something. Can I call you later?"
She agreed and hung up.
"Bird Goddess?" Kayla asked. "Since we're not going to kill Stewie just yet and you went to Sherman's place, can you tell us what they're like?"
I didn't see the harm in that, and maybe it would get us a float tank and wine cellar. I sat down, and for the price of six more melty, warm cookies, I told them everything.
"They have an ebony pen with blood for the ink?" Mike said. "That's so cool!"
"Yeah," Heather sneered, not letting Stewie off the hook just yet. "But since Stewie faints at the sight of blood, we can't have anything cool like that."
Stewie sniffed. "It doesn't sound very druid-like to me. They aren't serious about the craft. You'll see." He gave me a pointed look.
I threw my hands in the air. "I told you. There's literally nothing they can do to make me change my mind. I'm not leaving you!"
Ron appeared, holding a piece of rope with a goat attached. "Merry. You have package delivery. Ivan said it is okay to leave my post if I bring the goat."
The goat bleated and then began munching on a druid prayer book.
"Goats are perfect for us!" Heather clapped her hands in ecstasy. "Did Sherman's group have a goat?"
I shook my head. "What's his name?"
"His name is Al Capone," Ron said.
Al Capone belched loudly, and then returned to chewing on the book.
"It's branding!" Heather said. "That's going to make us look more authentic."
"Won't Sherman just go out and get two goats to top us?" Mike asked.
Heather deflated a little. "I guess so. But then we can buy more goats."
"I don't know about the zoning laws for livestock," I said as I ruffled Al's hair.
"Yes, but you have an 'in' with the future mayor," Kayla said.
That was true. And Ava, like all the girls in my troop, adored animals. She'd probably be able to persuade the council to approve something like that. Or Betty could make them.
"What did you say about a package?" I asked.
"Oh. Right. Ivan has it outside." Ron took the goat and left.
Stewie looked at me. "Do you promise, Bird Goddess, that you will always be our Bird Goddess?"
I threw up my hands in frustration as I headed for the door. The kids followed me. "How many times do I have to tell you before you believe me?" I paused, my hand on the door handle, and opened the door, keeping my eyes on them to prove I was sincere. "There's absolutely nothing they can do to get me to abandon my cult for theirs!"
I stepped outside and froze. The druids pooled around me. There, in the parking lot, with a big sign that said CONGRATULATIONS BIRD GODDESS, was the red convertible.
"You were saying?" Kayla's eyes drilled into me.