When they finally made it home Melina’s worry for her son was still on Van’s mind. It was almost a welcome distraction that Pace was upset about being left out of the conversation and possibly the mission. Zoe was pissed too, but she got over it once Van said they could both go if they wanted. Pace needed a little more time to vent, but by the end they’d resolved to sit down with their Aunt Natalie and help her talk through her fears. That’s just who Pace was.
Van listened until those two went upstairs before he and Hadas sat with Sudhir and Jaime on their bed to start a supply list. More relaxing there than at the table, and Zelpha took the opportunity to sprawl and get love from multiple people at once.
He couldn’t focus. He and Hadas had talked to Melina about electric vehicle ranges and solar recharging versus diesel availability, trying to get a feel for how right Irene and Sudhir’s map might be of possible Dollars bases.
Clark hadn’t ever come back. Was it memories of war like so many folks in town had, stirred up by talk of fighting? Since Van had heard the news he’d felt unsettled and kind of twitchy. Now he was starting to get mad. People were going to bed tonight scared? Again?
No.
“Someone needs to go talk to Clark,” Jaime said to Sudhir. “If he’s all PTSD or something we shouldn’t be asking him if Eduardo can put him on tower shifts while we’re off having super-secret not-on-the-radio conversations. Even if the guy does know how to shoot, it’s not fair to him.”
Sudhir tapped the pen against the paper he loved making. “Hopefully he can swing it. Ten days was hard on everyone, I can’t even imagine what a month will be like.”
“You go talk to him,” Hadas suggested to Van while scratching Zelpha’s belly. “Dr. Day could do it, but you make the final calls about defense anyway.”
Another personal talk with Clark Bayes. Great. But she was right that it was his responsibility to keep the town and the people in it safe. “Sure. Okay.”
Jaime grinned. “Talk to him about jobs before you talk to him about getting naked.”
Sudhir hit Jaime with a pillow. “Go to bed.” Then to Van he said, “Come sit with me outside for a while?”
Van had a sinking feeling as he followed Sudhir and took a seat on the porch, his back against the log wall. Sudhir wasn’t an elder but Van still worried about disappointing him.
Sudhir settled beside him. “How are you holding up? There’s a lot going on all of a sudden.”
“It’s fine,” Van said. They’d get the gear somehow, he’d put the memories away, and they’d do what had to be done.
“Van,” Sudhir said gently. “How are you?”
They’d talked quite a bit the first year after the funerals. Sudhir knew what Van’s relationship with Irene had given him, and Van knew how lonely Sudhir was without his sister. Most people made their strongest bonds beyond parents and kids based on sex and romance but Sudhir wasn’t interested in either until he knew someone for a good long time. With all they’d shared, all their talks, it meant something if Sudhir was asking a question twice.
“It just has to get done,” Van said, knowing he wasn’t answering. It was the only thing he could get a handle on, the cut and dry part. Everything else was so jumbled.
Sudhir leaned his shoulder against Van’s. “Do you actually want to do this? Or was that speech what you think Irene would say if she were here? You’ve been a fantastic leader these past couple of years, but I know it wasn’t something you chose.”
But he had chosen it. He could have quit defense and nobody would have blamed him, or he could have let Blockingjay take it at some point, and truthfully it would have been easier to have somebody to follow again. Irene had asked him to lead, though, and he couldn’t disrespect that.
“I want everybody to be safe,” Van said. “I’m pretty sure this is the only way.”
Sudhir nodded slowly. “I guess I just worry about you. Irene left you the team, Hadas took you in, but when’s the last time you picked what you wanted to do? The big stuff, I mean, the path of your life?”
When he’d met Irene and said yes to what she’d offered. Everything else flowed from that. Why did Sudhir sound like that wasn’t good enough? Hadas may have taken him in at first, but there were plenty of rooms around. They’d chosen to live together. “What are you trying to say exactly?”
Sudhir made a low noise of frustration. “This is coming out wrong. I’m not trying to talk down to you and I’m not disrespecting your relationships. I just wonder if you’re happy.”
This wasn’t what Van should be thinking about right now, life stuff that made him feel overwhelmed when he needed to focus on maps and gear and weapons and a plan. “We have to talk about this tonight?”
Sudhir sighed. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to start anything.”
“I know. Sorry, I have a lot to do.” He wasn’t mad. Van was just worn out already, and they’d barely started planning.
“That’s fair.” Sudhir laughed, but he didn’t sound entertained. “I’m probably trying to focus on anything other than riding out with a gun I may have to fire at a person.”
If they could find the Dollars. If the Dollars didn’t fire first. If they did, it wouldn’t really matter what Van was doing with his life.
In any event, the tower schedule had to be sorted. Which meant talking to Clark, who everybody seemed to have an opinion about. Melina thought he wasn’t doing great. Jaime thought Van should bed him. Hadas thought Van should reach out for something that made Van feel hot and cold and a little sad all at the same time.
“I’ll talk to Clark and Eduardo about a tower schedule,” Van said. That, at least, he could get a grip on. Even if Clark’s answer was no, he lived in Freshtown now and as defense team lead Van should know what kind of person he was.
No, that was wrong. It shouldn’t be a chore. Van liked getting to know new people in town. They had a couple every year and he appreciated the chance to bring them into the group and find out where they’d fit and be happy.
It was high time he looked past the sparks and the swagger and reached out to Clark the same way he would with anybody who was trying to make Freshtown home. Make Clark feel included, at least for as long as the town had left. Nothing lasted forever anyway. This was a good town with good people, and he could help Clark find a place here.