“The train’s coming,” I tell Mom, trying my best to sound as grown up as possible even though I’m scared. I have never traveled anywhere by myself, and it’s exciting but scary at the same time.
As the train comes to a complete stop, Mom reminds me for the hundredth time, “And don’t forget, call me as soon as you get to your dad’s apartment.”
“Don’t worry, Mom. I will,” I tell her, picking up my suitcase. I can tell that she’s just as nervous as I am about this trip.
“Well, m’ija, I guess you better board,” she says reluctantly.
“Okay, Mom. I’ll see you in a few days. Love you.” I kiss her lightly on the cheek. Then I quickly climb the steps onto the train and take the first empty seat I see.
As the train starts to pull away, I wave. I can’t help but notice the sad look on Mom’s face. I keep right on waving until she is no longer in sight. Then all of a sudden I find myself wishing she were with me. As I look around, I see faces belonging to people I’ve never seen before. I start to wonder what I’m doing here all alone, but then I remember that Dad is waiting for me. It’s been almost five months since I last saw him. I wonder if he still has a beard? I wonder if he’ll recognize me when he sees me?
I spend the first hour of the trip reading from my Seventeen magazine and eating the snacks that Mom packed for me. I start to feel sleepy and make the seat recline so I can take a nap. When I wake up, the train is passing through Salinas. I can feel a tightening in my stomach. I know that in another hour I’ll see my dad. I can’t imagine what we’ll say to each other. Everything is so different now.
When the train pulls into the San Jose train station, I nervously run a comb through my long, stringy hair. Then I gather my things together and head for the nearest exit. As I get off the train and onto the platform, I look around for Dad, but I don’t see him. I start to feel panicky, wondering if he’s forgotten to pick me up. Then I suddenly hear Dad call out my name. He is standing behind a group of people. I hurry over to meet him as he pushes his way through the crowd.
“You’ve gotten taller, flaca,” he tells me, putting his arms around me and kissing me.
I remember what it feels like to be safe and secure in Dad’s strong arms. When he lets go of me, I stare up at him, and exclaim, “Dad, you shaved your beard. And your panza looks smaller,” I add, staring at his belly.
Dad lets out a loud, resounding laugh. “It’s all that work. I never have time to eat. And my beard was itching a lot so I decided to shave it.”
He takes my suitcase and I follow him to the parking lot. We pass several rows of cars until he finally stops in front of a shiny black Porsche. “How do you like my new car?” Dad asks exuberantly.
I let out a squeal of joy. “Cool! When are you going to let me drive it, Dad?” I ask.
Dad ignores my question and unlocks the doors. As he starts the car, I still can’t believe I’m actually riding in a brand-new Porsche. I can hardly wait to tell all my friends.
After we are on the freeway headed for San Francisco, Dad asks me about school. I tell him that I’m doing better and hope to bring my grades up by second semester. He seems pleased, and I’m relieved that he doesn’t lecture me on the way I’ve been acting. When I ask him about his new job, he tells me that he’s a manager in an engineering department and that he likes it a lot, but that he has to work long hours. Then we’re both quiet as I gaze out the window at all the buildings and companies that make up the Silicon Valley. All of a sudden, I feel homesick for the volcanic peaks of Laguna.
An hour later, we arrive in San Francisco. It is such a beautiful city with its tall buildings and fish-smelling air. It’s so different from Laguna. There are people of all ethnic backgrounds scurrying around. When I ask my dad if he likes living here, he answers, “Yes, Maya, I do. You’re the only thing missing. I’ve always liked big cities. Not cow country, like your mom. And I like the different types of people here.”
When we get to the apartment complex where Dad lives, he parks the car underneath the building and we head for the second floor. As soon as we’re inside his apartment, he takes me for a quick tour. First, he shows me the living room. It’s fairly large and is connected to a small dining room that leads to a small, modern kitchen. Then he shows me the master bedroom and a smaller bedroom which he says will be mine whenever I visit. Finally, he shows me the bathroom we will share. I notice that the walls in his apartment are blank except for one in the living room where he has hung my high school picture from last year.
That night we order pizza and watch television. Dad tells me about his new friends that I’ll be meeting tomorrow. He says we’ll be eating at his friend Michelle’s house in Mann County. Michelle works for the same company that he does. I wonder if she and Dad are dating, and I start to feel a little jealous. We stay up until almost two in the morning watching movies. Dad has always been a night owl. It used to drive Mom crazy.
On Thanksgiving day we drive over to Michelle’s house. Michelle turns out to be sort of nice. She’s kind of tall and has short auburn hair, but she’s not as pretty as Mom. I meet two more of Dad’s friends, Tim and Connie. Tim is an engineer, and his girlfriend Connie works at the Golden Gate Bridge. They’re all very nice to me, but since I’m the youngest one there, I feel strange so I stick to Dad like glue. I can tell this bothers Michelle, but I really don’t care.
Michelle and Connie have prepared a traditional Thanksgiving dinner. When we sit down to eat, I can’t help but miss Mom. I wonder if she’s eating all alone? Mom always makes tortillas for our Thanksgiving dinner. I wonder if she made some today. I barely touch my food, and Michelle teases me about being too skinny. I want to tell her to shut up, but I don’t.
After dinner, Michelle insists we play “Yahtzee.” I hate “Yahtzee,” but I don’t say anything. Then we all sit around and listen to music. Michelle likes classical music. On purpose, I ask if she has anything by Los Lobos. When she says “no” and asks me if they’re from Spain, I start to laugh, but the look on Dad’s face tells me to keep quiet.
At ten o’clock, I’m relieved when Dad finally says it’s time to leave. After we say goodbye to Tim and Connie, Michelle walks us to the door. She makes a special point of telling me how much she enjoyed meeting me and that she hopes I’ll come back again. I want to tell her that I’m really not interested, but I don’t want to hurt Dad’s feelings, so I tell her that would be nice.
On the way home, I ask Dad once more if Michelle is his new girlfriend, but he laughs and says she’s only a good friend. I can’t help but feel happy.
Friday turns out to be a fun day. My dad takes me to the theater to see a new comedy with Whoopi Goldberg. We pig out on popcorn and candy, just like in the old days. After the movie, Dad takes me to eat at his favorite hamburger joint in San Francisco-Mike’s MegaBurger. Dad orders the biggest cheeseburger I have ever seen, and I tease him that his belly is going to return.
When we get back to the apartment, Dad lets me turn on his stereo and we sit down to listen to music. I am humming the verses to a song that I really like when he interrupts me.
“Maya. I guess now’s a good time to talk. I want to discuss some things before you go back home.”
“Yeah, sure,” I answer, noticing the deep creases that have appeared across his forehead.
“Listen, flaca, I know you blame your mom for the divorce. But I think you should know that it was bound to happen sooner or later. Our marriage died a long time ago, but I just couldn’t deal with the truth. Your mom was the one who had the guts to decide it was really over. I was angry about it, but she was right. We couldn’t have gone on like that for much longer.”
I can feel my eyes start to get watery. I quickly look away from Dad toward the patio door, suddenly feeling gray and foggy like the city.
“And I know I’ve been ignoring you, not calling you or anything, but I promise I’ll do better now. It’s just that, well, it’s been rough for me being by myself, having to start all over again. It can be pretty damn scary to suddenly wake up and find yourself all alone.”
The tears are streaming down my face now. I wipe them away with the back of my hand.
“And I missed you so much, Maya, that the thought of only being able to talk on the phone and not see you every day hurt too much. That’s why I never called. I’m sorry if I hurt you, Flaca.” Then he reaches over and puts his arms around me, holding me tight like he used to when I was a little girl.
“I miss you, too, Dad,” I manage to whisper.
After a few minutes, Dad lets go of me and heads for the bathroom to get some Kleenex. I notice that his eyes are watery, too. When he comes back, he hands me a Kleenex, calling me a mocosa. We both laugh. Then he gives me another hug, telling me, “I love you, Flaca.”
The next morning, when I say goodbye to Dad at the train station in San Jose, he promises to call me next week, and I promise to visit him as soon as I can. As the train pulls away, I realize that I feel better than I have in a long time. I can feel the empty space in my heart start to fill up again. Ms. Martínez was right. Dad really does love me.