Chapter Three

When I returned from work and errands just before Josie got home, I noticed a small, rectangular brown package sticking out of the mailbox. My heart revved up—ridiculously, because my head knew that it must be something entirely different from what I was imagining. My arms were full of groceries. I tried to balance everything on my knee and pull out the box, but I nearly dropped the bags. Setting them down inside, I rushed back out and extracted the box. It certainly felt like a box of candy hearts and sounded like a box of candy hearts when I shook it. Valentine’s Day was awfully close, but I still couldn’t believe it. I had looked for Billy for so long, I couldn’t imagine that suddenly he’d just present himself, especially on a day that he occupied my thoughts in a way he hadn’t for a long, long time.

I threw the rest of the mail on the side table and sat down with the box. No clues on the outside: no return address and my address was printed on a sticker, so I couldn’t even compare the handwriting to what I remembered so many years ago. I turned the package over in my hands, remembering the feel and the anticipation of ripping open that brown paper when I was young. I seriously couldn’t believe how giddy I felt. It was probably just a sample of cereal or something.

I slowly opened the paper to reveal it was indeed candy hearts. A mixture of disbelief and sheer joy mingled in my heart and head as I turned the box over to read the message. Only, there was no message; it was blank. I had to assume it was Billy, but I couldn’t know. I had told Anna the story. Maybe she was trying to cheer me up. She knew I hated this holiday.

Anna answered on the first ring. “Did you send me a box of candy hearts?”

“Um, hello. No, I didn’t send you candy hearts. Why in the world are you asking me that?”

“I got a box of candy hearts with no return address. I figured that since I told you the story about Billy, maybe you wanted to cheer me up, knowing the darkest day of the year is around the corner.”

“Honestly, if I had thought about it, maybe I would have. But, I can’t take credit.”

“So strange,” I mused

“Do you think maybe Billy sent them? He knows your parents’ address. It’s not like you’re living out of state any more. He could easily find you.”

“Yes, but it seemed like he’s fallen off the face of the Earth. I’ve looked for him on everything. I’ve Googled him a million times—even this morning. I think he moved to Siberia or something.”

“Maybe he’s blocked you on social media for some reason. Maybe he was afraid to see you happy or to be reminded of what he lost. All your stories of him sound so romantic. Or maybe just the way you ended…” Anna trailed off. I knew what she meant. I wasn’t the best person to Billy, choosing a verbally abusive asshole over him is something I’ll always regret.

“Why don’t you look him up? Even if he blocked me, you should be able to see him,” I said.

“What’s his last name again?”

“Billy Leibowitz.”

After a few minutes of silence, Anna said, “I got nothing. A few pics of Billy Crystal, Fran Leibowitz and Jon Stewart. I didn’t know that he was born Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz. Learn something new every day. I just love him.”

“Anna, focus, although I do love Jon Stewart. Anything at all? Go on Facebook.”

“A few William Leibowitzs. No Billy. Maybe he goes by William now. Did you search for that name?”

“They all came up when I searched for Billy Leibowitz—it brings up William too. None of them are him. Try Twitter.”

“Nothing—same William Leibowitz as Facebook, and that’s it.”

“You see, he fell off the face of the Earth.”

“Just because he’s not on Facebook or Twitter doesn’t mean he fell off the face of the Earth, Alex.”

“I know that, but he’s nowhere to be found. People Search, Google—everyone has some sort of digital footprint in this day and age. I think everyone can be found, unless they’re in the witness protection program.”

“Maybe he is.”

“I suppose it’s possible. But, I doubt it. Though, he always was standing up for anyone who got picked on. There was this one really scrawny boy—he was tormented by a group of kids, real losers. Billy told them to cut the shit or he’d beat the crap out of each one of them. He was so popular and had those bulging biceps, they actually stopped,” I sighed. “I doubt he would have beaten them up, though. There was a slight nerdiness to him. He didn’t realize how strong, magnetic, and just plain gorgeous he was. He never bragged about anything. But, he did feel passionately about helping anyone wronged.”

“Seriously, this guy sounds like a unicorn. There were no boys like that in my high school. The muscle-bound boys were the bullies, not the ones who stood up for others. Are you sure he really existed? Maybe you imagined the whole thing.” Anna laughed.

“Very funny,” I chuckled. “Look at my Facebook, you’ll see photos of us in the 90s albums.”

“I know. I’ve seen them. He was adorable. The two of you were adorable.”

“Do you think these could possibly be from Billy?” I whispered.

“What other explanation could there be?”

“None that I can think of, but who knows…”

“I think they are. I think after all the shit you’ve been through, you deserve a happily ever after, even if you don’t believe in fairy tales any more,” Anna said.

Since we met three years ago at work, Anna had spent literally hours trying to talk me into dating again. She’d show me dating websites and apps, insist I go to singles events with her and basically beg and cajole me into having an open mind. She finally gave up about a year ago. Apparently, my constant scowl at singles volleyball and bowling kind of put people off. It was better for everyone if I just stayed home, which was absolutely fine with me. After Trent I was so much happier by myself. No complications, no one telling me what to do. My family has always been Josie.

But Billy…now he would be different. He would be a known quantity. Unless his personality drastically changed, which I realized with a sense of sadness, was entirely possible; he would never try to control me. Of course, memories of teenage relationships will always be viewed through rose-colored glasses, but I didn’t think I tinted my memories of our relationship too much.

“I might believe in fairy tales if Billy was my knight…”

“That makes me so happy, hon. No one deserves a fairy tale ending more than you do.”

“Thanks, but I think you’re pretty deserving of your own fairy tale ending too.”

“Maybe someday. I’m not holding my breath.”

I immediately bonded with Anna the moment I met her. She had just gone through an acrimonious divorce and was still reeling. I was never more thankful that Trent and I weren’t married than when I was listening to Anna’s tale of woe. It was so easy for me to make a clean break. Anna and her ex battled over custody, money, their house. It took years to finally settle everything. “I know it seems like it’ll never happen again…”

Anna interrupted me. “It’s not just that it seems like it’ll never happen again. I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t want to get involved with anyone. You were right all along about not wanting to go to those singles things. I’ve decided I’m happy on my own, just me and my little guy, who’s not so little now. I still think of him as small, but he’s taller than I am. He’ll be in high school next year.”

“It goes so fast. I can’t believe that in a year and a half Josie will be heading off to college. She’ll probably choose a school as far away as possible.” I was filled with a moment of panic. What would I do when she was gone? I’d be alone. But unlike Anna, I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to be with Billy again. It was a longing that I didn’t realize I even had. I had never wanted to date, but when I thought about Billy it seemed so easy. I hadn’t even seen him in almost two decades, but I didn’t care what he looked like.

“You’ll be okay when Josie leaves for college. Maybe you’ll go back to school. You know, you’re so good with the kids, you should be a teacher, not just an assistant.”

“Thank you. But, I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I’ll follow Josie to college and enroll with her. Could you imagine? She’d drop out in a heartbeat probably.”

“I was kind of thinking a local school. You know, night school or something. Not actually following your daughter and being a co-ed with her, though that might be fun. Maybe I should follow Cooper when he leaves home.”

I laughed, but said, “I think we both need something else to look forward to in life, something else to concentrate on to break us out of our middle-aged ennui.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what it is…middle-aged ennui. But, I’m deeper into middle age than you are. I’m rounding the bend to fifty. Remember, I was a late bloomer. I didn’t get married until I was thirty-five and didn’t get pregnant until I was thirty-six.”

“Okay, I may not be deep into middle age, but that ennui is setting in, for sure.” I sighed.

“I have a feeling you won’t be bored for long. I truly think it’s Billy who sent you the hearts,” Anna said.

“You know, I do too,” I answered, feeling hope for the first time in ages, years really. “Thanks for listening, Anna.”

“Anytime, Babe. I’ve gotta run now and pick up Cooper. Thanks for letting me live vicariously through you. See you tomorrow.”

“No. Thank you,” I said. “See you in the morning.”

By the time I got home from work the next day I was feeling a bit hopeless again. On the ride home I started thinking about Josie going away to school so soon. I knew it was a year and a half away, but it felt like time was slipping through my fingers. It felt like I was in a speeding car hurtling down a winding road with no brakes.

I heard the loud, menacing barks of my pittie mush, Hank, alerting me that the mail had arrived. Hank would absolutely lick the mailman to death if he got out, but he sounded so scary that the mailman threw my mail in the box and ran every day. He didn’t even bother to close it. My heart hammered as I peered out the front door into the open mailbox. Its wide plastic mouth, perched at the top of the metal pole, invited me to reach in. And there it was—a small box wrapped in brown paper. Another one.

I almost held my breath as I opened it, even though it was clear what it was from the shape and the telltale rattle. The pink box had a message on the back. It said, “Miss you always.” I tried to remember Billy’s handwriting. It seemed forever ago, but I thought this looked familiar. Neater for sure, but did handwriting change much? From childhood yes, but I didn’t think it changed so much from twenty-two or -three. Still, it couldn’t be anyone else’s words. It had to be Billy.

I got back on Facebook and looked up Billy by his middle name, Daniel. Nothing. I gave up and told myself that if he wanted to see me, he would. And, if it were indeed Billy sending the candy hearts and not just some cosmically crazy coincidence, he’d make himself known soon enough.