The sky outside my childhood bedroom window lightened with the dawn and created geometric shapes of sunlight on the ceiling that were the same as when I was a child. It felt both familiar and odd to wake up in my own star-quilt-covered bed. On the Origin of Species was still on the bookshelf, my saxophone was still in the corner, and my baseball glove was still hanging from the bedpost. The room smelled like leather and linseed oil, exactly as I remembered, but something intangible felt different. Smaller.
I dressed, then without glancing in the direction of my sister’s old bedroom, I headed downstairs for breakfast. My parents weren’t around, but there was an unopened envelope from Rosalyn on the kitchen table in front of my old chair. I sat, took several deep breaths, and opened it. When I unfolded the sheet of paper, a charm fell out onto the table. A tiny gold rose.
Dear Haydie,
If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to cut yourself free from the past before it drags you down. I know you’ll understand. Don’t ever give up. I’m sorry I wasn’t as strong as you are.
Forever in your heart,
Rose
My first instinct was to take the charm over to the Setoguchis’ farm to give it to Chidori for her bracelet, but then remembered I couldn’t. Choked up by both reminders of my sister and Chidori, I reached into my pocket and pulled out my hankie. The charms of the Eiffel Tower, Big Ben, and a snowflake that I had bought in London rolled to the centre of the fabric. I dropped the rose onto the handkerchief next to the others and carefully folded the corners in before putting it back in my pocket. The tremor in my hands returned.
‘Good morning.’ Mother stepped in from outside with a basket of fresh eggs from the coop and leaned over to kiss my cheek. ‘Oh.’ She paused and took Rose’s letter from me. ‘Your father must have absentmindedly left this out. There’s no need to bring up those memories.’ She stuffed the letter away into the pocket of her apron. ‘Did you sleep well?’
I didn’t bother telling her about the nightmare of drowning in an ocean of blood that left me dripping in sweat and gasping for air in the middle of the night. Instead, I said, ‘I need to use the outhouse.’
Her face angled into a frown of motherly concern, but she had no choice but to let me go.
Marguerite was perched on the woodpile when I walked back through the yard from the outhouse. A stack of journals was piled on her lap. Without acknowledging her, I leaned over the edge of the well and dropped the bucket down to scoop some water to wash my face.
‘Morning,’ she said as she scrambled down from the woodpile and joined me at the well. She was wearing overalls that were two sizes too big and needed to be rolled several times at the cuff so she wouldn’t trip. ‘I brought some of Chidori’s journals over. I thought you might want them but I couldn’t carry all of them.’
I glanced at her, then splashed my face. The water straight from the bucket tasted so pure. My body yearned to drink up enough to replace every drop of tainted water that resided in me. Marguerite kneeled on the grass and opened one of the journals to show me. I had to look away because the sight of Chidori’s handwriting scrolled across the pages made my heart ache.
‘This is you, isn’t it?’ She held up a yellowed photo of Chidori and me when we were twelve.
‘You shouldn’t have read those. They don’t belong to you.’
‘I apologize. How was I to know I was ever going to meet the people in the stories?’ She tucked the photo back into the journal. ‘Chidori loves you more than anything in the whole wide world. You should hear all the nice things she has written about you. Hayden walked me home from school today and carried my books for me. He has the bluest eyes I have ever seen, and he gets the most adorable dimple when he smiles. My heart spins cartwheels whenever he is near. I wonder if he thinks about me when we are not together. I hope he asks me to marry him one—’
‘Those are someone else’s private thoughts. You shouldn’t be reading them.’
‘I already read all of them. I can’t unread them.’ She leaned on the edge of the well next to me. ‘I’ll help you search for her.’
‘She’s somewhere far away. You won’t be able to help.’
‘I could pray for you. God owes us.’
‘God doesn’t owe us anything. We’re alive. That’s more than thousands of other innocent people got.’
‘He owes me.’
I pointed to scold her. ‘He spared you and brought you to a place where you would be safe. You need to be thankful for what you have, not resentful for the things you’ve lost.’
She shook her head to disagree. ‘You aren’t at liberty to tell me how to feel. It’s not like I’m whining about losing my favourite doll or my brand-new flute.’ She pointed to scold me right back. ‘He took my flesh and blood. My parents. That wasn’t fair and I am permitted to feel resentful over that. He owes me.’
I ran my hand through my hair and gazed out over the wheat field where Pop was just coming in on the tractor with the golden retriever plodding placidly behind. ‘God doesn’t owe me nothing. If God owes you something, you should save his indebtedness for yourself. My ma’s waiting on me for breakfast. You should go on home.’ I walked four strides and she caught up to me.
‘I know your kind of sad. The one that haunts you.’
I stopped near the steps to the porch and looked down at her.
‘I was there too.’ She bent over to stack the journals on the porch. ‘I’m going to help you find Chidori because once you’re together again, your nightmares will go away.’
‘How do you know about the nightmares?’
‘I told you. I know your sad.’ She reached over and touched my hand. ‘I’ll see you later, Hayden.’ She waved as she skipped through the grass to the road.
After spending the morning with my family, I visited a couple of neighbours’ houses to ask if they’d heard anything about where the Setoguchis were. Two of them hadn’t kept in contact with any of the Japanese families, and the one who had only knew where the Nagatas were. She gave me the Nagatas’ address so I could contact them. Before heading to the next house, I decided instead of going door-to-door all over the entire island, it would probably be easier to hang out in front of the general store to catch everyone while they were in town.
By late afternoon, I had collected three more addresses, but nobody knew off-hand where the Setoguchis were. I sat on the bench to write a letter to each family I had an address for and sealed the envelopes just as Mr Hogarth stepped out of the post office.
I checked my pocket watch and rushed over as he slid the key to lock the door. ‘Mr Hogarth! Wait up. I have some letters I need to post.’
He stopped and squinted over his glasses. ‘I’m closed. Drop them through the door slot or bring them by tomorrow before the morning ship.’
I lunged forward and dropped the envelopes through the door slot.
He slid his cap back and pushed his glasses up his nose. ‘You live on the island?’
‘I’m Hayden Pierce. John and Eleanor’s son. Don’t you remember me?’
He nodded, but didn’t actually seem to recall. His hair had turned completely white since I had last seen him, and he stood more stooped over.
‘I wanted to ask you if you remember getting any letters for me while I was away fighting in the war.’
‘What did you say your name is?’
‘Hayden. Hayden Pierce. The letter would have been sent to my parents’ address some time in the last three and a half years.’
‘I can’t remember every piece of mail. Sorry.’ He adjusted his hat and shuffled down the street.
I kept stride with him. ‘The letters would have come from Chidori Setoguchi. Do you remember any letters coming from the Setoguchis to anyone on the island?’
He shook his head. ‘Sorry, son. If they were sent to you, your parents would have gotten them. If they were sent to someone else, I don’t recall.’
It seemed futile to pick his brain, so I stopped walking and let him carry on his way.
The church was up the hill from where I stood. I had no inclination to visit the gravesite, but something outside of myself compelled me to wander over. A reverend, who was new since I last attended a service, crouched in the front yard tending to some flowers. He looked up and nodded pleasantly, then went back to his gardening. I hopped the split-rail fence and meandered around the small cemetery. It didn’t take much searching to find the headstone with my sister’s name engraved on it. A fresh flower braid had been draped around the base of the granite.
Rosalyn Grace Pierce
4 October 1921–12 March 1944
A beautiful light extinguished too soon.
I ran my finger over the letters, then sat in the grass and leaned up against the stone to unfold the letter I had received from my father before I was shot down.
Dear Son,
I write to inform you of very grave news. Your sister has died. She took too many of the pills the doctor prescribed. Apologies for having to tell you in a letter. The funeral has been arranged at Saint Mary Magdalene Church for next week. Your name is up on the bulletin for the congregation to pray for you.
Love, Pop
It was a wonder that so few words could deliver the impact of being run over by a tank. I closed my eyes and folded it back up. After a long while of letting the sun warm my face, I whispered, ‘I know why you did it.’
I half-expected her to respond or appear, but I waited and it didn’t feel like she was with me in any form.
‘Earl couldn’t keep his promise to come home, but I did. I wish you would have held on a little longer and let me prove that to you.’ I pulled my air force wings out of my pocket and placed them on the base with the letter. ‘Sorry it took me so long. I love you, Rose.’
I left the cemetery and made my way back to the general store. Donna Mae’s brother was working the cash register again. His eyebrows angled when I placed two bottles of vodka down on the counter and handed him the money. ‘Having a celebration?’
‘Not exactly.’ I opened the first bottle as I left the store and started drinking as I walked down to the wharf. The least I could do while I waited for news was drink away my nightmares.
Nothing in town had changed, even though everything had. I sat on the bench next to the Springwater Lodge drinking for longer than I intended, then staggered up the road to the Agricultural Hall. The hall was all locked up and the fairgrounds were abandoned, but my mind filled with images from the last fall fair as if it had happened only the day before – the boys playing soldiers, the schoolgirls braiding flowers into each other’s hair, the Setoguchis selling their vegetables, and Rose dancing on the grass in front of the amphitheatre. For a second, the scent of warm cinnamon buns and the melody of Chidori’s laughter floated across the breeze, but then the images faded away. Lost forever.
I took a few more swigs of alcohol that burned. Once the pain was numbed, I stumbled home.
For a couple of days, maybe almost a week, I only left my room to use the outhouse. Since my body was accustomed to the POW camp, I didn’t even need to do that very often. I ran out of vodka on the third day, so I stole a couple jugs of my father’s home-brewed ale from the barn and took them to my room. Everything became blurry in my mind and the hours passed in a haze, which was what I wanted – at least until I heard back with the Setoguchis’ new address.
One evening, there was a knock on my bedroom door. It wasn’t my parents checking on me. I knew that because they’d stopped bothering to knock once they realized I was being unresponsive.
‘Go away,’ I mumbled and rolled over.
Joey popped his head in and said, ‘Howdy.’ The cheeriness on his face was forced, as if he had been warned beforehand to prepare himself for the foul state I was in, but was nevertheless still shocked to witness it.
I heaved my weight out of bed and stood to greet him with a hug.
Joey slapped my bony back and shook me by the shoulders. ‘Goddamn, you’re scrawny now. And you smell awful.’
I chuckled, sardonically. ‘You think this is bad? You should have seen me three months ago.’
He shoved my chest. ‘It’s good to see you, pal.’
‘Yeah, you too.’
‘I’m only home until tomorrow to visit my folks, but Donna Mae asked me to invite you to come stay in Victoria with us for a visit. I’ll apologize in advance because she’s not a very good cook.’ He sat on the foot of the bed and slid his hand into my old baseball mitt. ‘Don’t tell her I said that.’
One of my parents had likely called him and asked him to come over on the ferry to cheer me up. Although it was friendly of him to make the trip, I wasn’t going to feel truly better until I heard from Chidori. I sat on my desk chair. ‘I hear you’re going to be a father. Congratulations.’
‘Thanks. It’s terrifying, but what can I do about it now?’
I laughed and studied his face. He looked the same, only older. ‘What have you been doing for work?’
‘I’m the chief operations manager at the shipyard.’
‘Wow. You moved up the ladder quickly.’ My tone had more disapproval to it than I intended.
‘Yeah, well,’ he removed his fedora and combed his fingers through his hair. ‘With so many men overseas—’ He interrupted himself to change the subject, ‘My pop says you can start back at the sawmill whenever you’re ready to start working. He’s holding a position for you.’
I nodded, appreciative of the offer. ‘Thank you. I’ll need some money to buy the lumber for Chidori’s and my house.’
‘Chidori?’
‘Yes. I’m just waiting to find out where she’s living so I can contact her to let her know she can come back home now.’
‘She can’t come back here.’ His hands rested in his lap, wringing the brim of his hat as he studied my shaken expression, then he glanced down. ‘Didn’t you know that?’
‘No.’ I stood. ‘What do you mean she can’t?’
‘The government hasn’t lifted the travel restrictions on Japanese Canadians. They probably won’t be able to enter the restricted zone until all the servicemen get back and have a chance to buy land and get set up with employment. That won’t happen for several more years from now.’
‘I don’t understand.’ I paced the length of my room and back. ‘The war is over. She’s a Canadian. She never should have been sent away in the first place. They can’t prevent her from coming home.’
He held his hands up defensively. ‘Don’t get mad at me. It’s the government who refused to lift the restrictions when the war ended, not me.’
‘Sorry. I’m not blaming you. I’m just frustrated.’ I opened the window to calm myself with fresh air. ‘They’ll have to let her come home if we’re married, won’t they?’
‘I don’t know. When was the last time you spoke with her?’
‘The day she was taken away.’
His laugh was shockingly loud. ‘Oh. You aren’t kidding? You haven’t talked to her in over three years?’
I closed my eyes for a long blink, realizing how crushingly far-fetched my dreams sounded.
‘Jesus, Hayden. She’s probably married and has two kids by now.’
Although I knew that was probable, I didn’t want to believe it. ‘She promised she would wait.’
He shook his head, heavy with pity. ‘I don’t want to rain on your parade when you are already so glum, but that was a different time. You can’t expect you’ll just be able to pick up where you left off.’
‘She promised,’ I said with enough conviction to anchor my own faith.
He leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. ‘Let me give you a little advice. Take the mill job my father has offered you, build your new house, and settle down with some other nice Mayne Island girl. Save yourself the heartache.’
Furious, I stormed out on him.