I WAS LYING on the bed at my mom’s house. I had the quilt pulled up all the way to my chin. I love that duvet cover. All neon colors. Bright blue. Lime green. Hot pink. My mother thought it was the most hideous thing she had ever seen, and that made me love it all the more.
We were a family of rules and obligations, and my mother broke all of the rules when it came to our bedrooms. We were allowed to be crazy in our room. Both décor and behavior. We’d dance to loud music. Try on weird clothes and makeup. Talk until three in the morning. Have sleepovers. Lock the boys out. Teagan even spilled nail polish once and didn’t get killed.
I could see Teagan’s bed. She had about two hundred miles of lace all over her bed set. Mom made it for her. They got burgundy flowered fabric and off-white eyelet lace, and they went crazy. There was lace on the duvet cover, on the pillowcases, and on the curtains. They made a desk, first cutting a big piece of wood so that it would fit in the corner and then covering it with that stuff that construction guys use to cover the tape on sheet rock. Then they sanded it all down and sealed it and painted it off-white. Then they put Velcro all the way around the edges and stuck a curtain-type thing made out of the same burgundy fabric and miles of the eyelet lace. My sister was so proud of herself. She’d made a thing of beauty. At least in her eyes.
My sister Sinead would hide under there, and we would pretend that we couldn’t find her, even though we could hear her laughing. It kept her busy for hours as we would leave the room and she would run away, only to have us leave the room again so she could dive back under the desk. If we kept her busy the whole time Mom was cooking dinner, we each got a quarter. More importantly, we were allowed to walk over to Thrifty and buy an ice cream cone (my ice cream was always in a dish).
If you had tried really hard, you couldn’t get my side of the room to clash with Teagan’s side any more than we did. Gosh, we loved our room.
Looking back, my sister had a lot more of the room decorated than I did. I had my perfect duvet cover, and I was happy.
Teagan got pretty much the whole closet, and I had an extra little nightstand that held a few of my clothes, and the top drawer always had a huge bag of sunflower seeds.
My mother let me eat them in my room because I never left a mess.
Teagan wasn’t allowed to eat anything in our room because it always ended up all over the place.
Teagan said it was unfair.
Mom said it was logical consequences.
Our life lessons started early.
I’m not sure how I knew, but I knew that Seamus was in his room. Maeve and Mom were out shopping, with Daddy driving. Liam was down at his friend Tony’s house.
I have no idea where anyone else was or why I didn’t know.
It was one of those dreams that you know is a dream, but you also know that you need to pay attention.
I knew I was about to find out what all of this meant.
The trunk.
My fear.
Everything.
I willed myself to wake up, but I couldn’t.
Bernie came into my room. She sat on the edge of my bed and ran the backs of her fingers over my cheek.
I started to shake.
“Oh, my little lovely, I’m sorry you are so upset.”
I didn’t say anything, but my mind raced, trying to find an escape.
“You are my special one. Of all the family. You know that, do you not? You are more special than Seamus. More beautiful than Teagan. You are the healthy one. You are the one I can trust. You are special, my little lovely.”
I could feel the tears run down the sides of my face, but I couldn’t say anything or move.
“Remember how special you are to me. Remember that no one else can know; they will all want what you have, lovely.”
When the phone rang I jumped nearly out of the bed.
I was breathing so hard I couldn’t catch my breath.
Tears were running down my face.
I hit the button and said, as calmly as I could, “Roland, I’m fine.” And hit the button to hang up.
Then I called Teagan.
“Dear God, I know. I know!”
Teagan was completely confused.
“Teagan, I know! I know everything.”
“Cara, are you okay? What are you talking about?”
“I’ll talk to you later.” I hit the button before she could respond.
I allowed myself to slide to the floor and get lost in the memories.