“YOU WANT TO go home and clean something? You might feel better.”
“My apartment is clean enough. Thanks.”
“You can come to my house and clean something.”
“I don’t want to clean anything, Teagan. I just want Mom to call and say that she’s okay. I really think I broke her.”
“You didn’t break Mom. Besides, this morning you were all about being the victim in all this, and now you’re acting like the villain. Pick one, Cara.”
“Shut up. I wasn’t all about being a victim. I was explaining to you what happened.”
“Right, which you really haven’t. I figured we’d go over to Mom and Dad’s house and you’d be telling Mom everything and going over there would save you from saying it all twice, but since it doesn’t look like you are going to be talking to Mom anytime soon, why not take this opportunity to talk to your favorite sister?”
“What do you want to know?”
“I want to know what the hell Bernie and her friends did to you all those years ago that freaked you out. You acted like this was the worst thing in the world. You cried like there was no tomorrow. You wouldn’t talk to me. You said you were betrayed by all things O’Flynn. You were a total nut job. What do you mean, what do I want to know? I want to know what caused you to go nuts. What was so terrible that we ended up where we are?”
“You know how Mom is always saying that life is all about perspective? Things that Bernie and her friends did all those years ago really don’t seem all that important compared to Mom being broken.”
“I swear to God, Cara, I will beat the crap out of you if you pull that on me. You don’t get to make a big deal about it and then say never mind. It doesn’t work that way. What did Bernie and her friends do to you?”
“Okay, fine. But remember the perspective thing.”
“I got it. You overreacted.”
“I did not!”
“I swear, dingleberry. Start talking.”
“Okay. It’s not like they did one thing or that one of them did a bunch of things; it is more like each of them did at least one thing.”
“Okay, you need to make sense.”
“Sorry. I’ll just tell you a few of the things they did, and then you can tell me if I overreacted.”
“Talk, dingleberry.”
“Talking. Remember that beautiful brooch that you want to borrow for your wedding?”
“Do not tell me that something bad happened with that brooch. I have my whole hair thing planned around it, and Morgan already used it.”
“Nothing bad happened to the brooch. Or with the brooch. The brooch belonged to Mrs. MacBranain.”
“Mom knows her and calls her Violet? That lady?”
“Yeah. Mrs. MacBranain was like a hundred years old when I was in fourth grade, so she’s gotta be dead by now.”
“Get to the point, Cara.”
“MacBranain is one of the people who lived with Bernie. I’m not sure if she had a boarding house or just had people staying in that extra bedroom in the back of the house. But Bernie seemed to have all these people around all the time. They seemed to rotate through or something.”
“We were never allowed back there. It was private.”
“Well, I was allowed back there. I remember it made me feel so superior to the rest of you. Bernie trusted me to go anywhere in the house. I spent a lot of time over there, and you guys didn’t.”
“I remember. You just weren’t interested in the stuff we were interested in, so while we were doing sports and hanging out with that crowd, Mom would say that you were helping Bernie. I always thought it was kind of pathetic. You were hanging out with a little old lady, and we were having all kinds of fun.”
“But I did have fun with Bernie. At least at first. She taught me how to cook. She used to make cleaning fun. I had an apron that matched hers but was little and fit me perfectly.”
“That’s just sick.”
“Shut up. We used to do canning, and we made homemade ice cream, and she would always have a cake ready if anyone dropped by. We squeezed lemons after we picked them from the trees in the backyard, and we would put the lemon juice in ice trays and freeze them to make lemonade later.”
“She did make the best lemonade in the world.”
“She’d help me with knitting and crocheting and sewing. Bernie was probably the reason I did all the domestic stuff, because she really loved it and I really loved how excited she would be when I would do it and get it right. She’s the one who taught me how to get a stain out of anything and everything.”
“You do have a gift. This is all very interesting — actually, no, it is not — but it is just avoiding the subject at hand.”
“Sorry. Maybe Mrs. MacBranain didn’t live with Bernie. She would come over and visit when I was there. I’m not sure. For a while there it seemed like every time I went to Bernie’s she was there. She and Bernie would talk out in the kitchen, and I would either be hanging clothes up to dry outside on that clothesline that opened up like an umbrella, or I’d be on the back porch reading. Bernie had all these really old books that she’d let me read. The paper would crunch if you weren’t careful. She said she brought them over with her on the boat from Ireland. They’d been through a lot, just like her. I was so honored that she would let me touch them that it really didn’t matter what the story was.”
“Cara!”
“Okay, you know what? I know this doesn’t sound like a big deal to you, but it was a very big deal to me, and you are just going to have to let me get it out my own way.”
“Sorry. You’re right. I hate people that belittle the experiences of others. Your-sprained-ankle-isn’t-a-big-deal-because-I-broke-my-back kind of people. Especially when you know they didn’t break their back. They just think they know everything about everything and have experienced everything, and they have to make their lives more important than anyone else’s life.”
“Tell me how you really feel, Teagan.”
“Oh, I will. It’s a Honey thing. But first you tell me about this.”
“I would if you would stop interrupting me.”
“Sorry. Go.”
“So, anyway, Mrs. MacBranain was over one day. It was a yucky day. I don’t remember why, but it was so hot and sticky in Bernie’s house that even the furniture was sweating.”
“I hate it when it’s that humid.”
“It just kind of drains you. Anyway, Bernie said she had to go down to the church and get some stuff going, and Mrs. MacBranain asked if I wanted to go with her to another house because it was cooler there. Bernie said it was okay. Mrs. MacBranain brought me there, and she had a man there — I’m not sure if he was her husband or not — but when we went over to her house she told me we were going to play a game. That we were going to pretend. I figured it was okay. It was a game. I’d played a game with Arlene.”
My phone rang.
It was my parents’ picture, the one I took at my brother’s wedding. They looked really happy. Normally it is my dad on the phone when that picture shows up. Mom always uses their other phone.
“Hi, Daddy.”
“It’s me, love. Can the two of you girls come back?”
“That was quick. Can we bring you anything? We can drive through somewhere.”
“I will put on the kettle. Thank you, Cara.”
She was gone.
“She called me Cara.”
“That’s not good. When Mom remembers your name, and uses it, no good can come of it.”
“She sounded so sad. So quiet. I don’t like this.”
“We need to get over there. One car or two?”
I took a deep breath and tried to sound sane. “One. I might be tempted to drive mine off a cliff on the way home if I’m alone in the car.”
“A cliff? In Florida? Really?”
“Shut up, Teagan. You’re driving.”
We got over to Mom and Daddy’s house in minutes. Or maybe it was just that I was dreading looking Mom in the eye and I hoped that it would take a little longer to get there.
This time Daddy was standing at the door when we walked up to the porch.
“Daddy, I’m sorry.”
“There is nothing for you to be sorry about. I was wrong. Your mother explained it to me.”
I couldn’t speak.
Teagan pretty much shoved me in the door.
Daddy said, “Your mother is at the table. There is tea. I will not be listening to this a second time. Once was enough. Please, call me on your mother’s cell before you leave, and I’ll head back home.”
Teagan and I exchanged a look.
This could not be a good thing.
Mom was sitting at the table with the good teapot and the teacups I’d once purchased for her at a garage sale. They reminded me of the ones I’d seen in a picture of my grandmother and her sister, and I bought them with the help of a lady who was too stupid to watch her own kid. Long story, doesn’t matter. Anyway I’d only bought my mom two of the cups, but there were three sitting on the table.
That’s kind of weird.
“Okay, I have to ask. Where did you get the third cup? Aren’t those the cups that I bought you?”
“Yes, love, they are. They reminded me of the ones my own mother grew up with. I found some on the Internet. The first set I bought was so fragile that when I picked up the cup, the handle came off in my hand. The second set, as you can see, is in good shape. Two of these are the ones you purchased. I’ve purchased six more.”
“How can you tell the difference?”
“With a mother’s eye, Cara.”
“You do know you’re freaking me out calling me by my name, right?”
“Of course, love, that is what you get when you yell at your mother.” She smiled.
I could have fallen on my knees right then and there and thanked the good Lord.
Mom is going to be okay, and she’s going to be okay with me, which is just as important, at least to me.
“I’m so sorry.”
“There is nothing to be sorry for, love. You were right. You are a grown woman. You may speak any way you choose. It was wrong of me to correct you, and it was very wrong of me not to stop you in the middle of our conversation and tell you what it was that scotched my mind. It was unfair to you. It was unfair to me. I am aware of that, but at the time, love, I could do nothing to help you. First I must help myself.”
“Mom, you don’t have to explain.”
“Yes, I do. It is time.”
With that, the first tear fell. My mother never cries. Okay, not never, but hardly ever, and never without a really good reason.
Teagan beat me to the box of Kleenex on the counter in the kitchen.
She brought the entire box back.
Weird that my mother didn’t have Kleenex with her if she knew this was going to be a crying kind of conversation.
That must mean that her brain isn’t working, and if her brain isn’t working, this has gotta be bad.
“Cara, I well and truly want to hear every bit of what you need to tell me, but I need to tell you something first. I always assumed I would take it to my grave, as ashamed as I have always been, but I now believe that I need to share it with you.”
“Mom, you aren’t obligated to tell me anything. What happened with me isn’t that big of a deal. I blew it all out of proportion. Really. It isn’t a problem.”
Why was it such a big deal a few days ago when it seemed like nothing now?
I’d made the trunk into such a huge mystery, and then it wasn’t a mystery at all. It was a reminder that I didn’t want to remember, and now it is the basis for my own mother’s nervous breakdown.
I wish Bernie had never left me that stuff.
It’s more than a little weird that she did.
Who would leave reminders of crazy people?
Better question, why did I forget all of it for so long?
“Love, I am obligated. You were only a child. Your experiences are my responsibility. I failed you. I have no excuse for that, but I want you to understand why it is that the thought of Bernie doing anything to harm you was the furthest thought from my mind.”
“Mom, it’s okay.”
“No, it is not. But it will be. I have faith in that.”
Teagan was losing her sense of humor. “Cara, stop trying to avoid the whole conversation. Shut up and let Mom talk.”
“Sorry.”
With that, Mom took a deep breath, aged five years right in front of our faces, and started to tell her story.
“Girls, as you know, your grandmother and I were never very close. With family being as important to me as it is, did you ever wonder why?”
Teagan answered for me. “I always thought that Grandma just didn’t like Dad very much.”
“My relationship with your grandmother was dead long before your father and I became involved.”
“I didn’t know that.”
“Me either.”
“For me, as you know, life did not begin until I met your father.”
“I always thought that was so romantic. You used to tell us that all the time when we were growing up. That your life began and ended with Dad, not to make you choose sides between him and us because he would always win. Or you used to say that the day you met Dad was the day you started to breathe. You always smiled. I thought it was because Dad made you so happy, not that it was rooted in something less pleasant.”
Teagan seemed so sad. Like her whole romantic belief system just got punched in the gut. She is new to the whole thing. She’s only had a romantic side for about a minute and a half, so it’s still pretty fragile.
“Oh, but it is a grand romance. Your father saved me. What is more, he had no idea how he had until this very day. Your father and the love he has always given me would be equally grand with or without my previous problems.”
When neither of us responded, Mom tried again.
“My childhood was a complicated one. Parts were magic. Parts were horrid. I have always chosen to share the magical part with you and your brothers and sisters. I believed that the ugliness in my childhood would taint you in some way if I were to share it with you. That, and I never wanted to relive it in the telling.”
“You don’t have to now, Mom.”
“Cara, shut up.”
“Sorry.”
“Girls, stop. When I was a little girl my mother was what would now be called emotionally distant. You’ve both heard the stories of her childhood. She was broken. It does us no service to go into the details of that problem. Enough is said when it is said that she was not the kind of mother that I wanted to be.”
“You did a great job, Mom. You’re the perfect mother.”
“I appreciate that, Teagan, but I am far from perfect. When I was a child, my mother would leave me with her friend. I won’t go into great detail; there really is no reason to do so. His name was Charles. I despised him. Because of that, my mother didn’t believe me when I came to her and told her that he had molested me.”
Teagan’s gasp was very quiet, but loud enough that we all heard it.
My mother didn’t acknowledge it. “We didn’t use that term back then.”
“I’m so sorry, Mom.”
“I am too, love. Much more important than what that deviant did to me is the fact that when I told your grandmother, she didn’t believe me. She continued to insist that I spend time with Charles. She must have said something to him, because after that first time I spoke to her, things got worse; the attacks strengthened. He was well aware that I had no escape. No place of refuge. I thought that I simply did not make my mother understand what was happening. Again and again I told her what he was doing, and she was disgusted. With me! After many confrontations she finally said that it was not for public display and that I would do well to keep my mouth shut. I believe that she had few options in life and was not about to allow me to remove one of those options from her. She was of the opinion that he was doing to me what men would do to me all my life and therefore there was no cause to leave him.”
“Damn. What did you do?”
“I told Bernie. She was a dear friend of my mother. She came upon me one day when I was particularly upset. I had lost quite a bit of weight. If I recall correctly, my hair was starting to fall out. She was concerned that I had a physical ailment of one sort or another. I simply blurted the truth out to her.”
“What did she do?”
“She about had a conniption fit, which I had never witnessed in an adult. It frightened me, but there was a part of me that was grateful that she believed me and cared enough to be upset. My mother had been upset with me. Bernie was upset with my mother and her friend. She had a conversation with my mother, at the end of which my mother came back to Bernie’s, kissed my forehead and said I would not have to spend any more time with Charles.”
“Well, that’s good. I guess. It would have been better if your mother had figured it out on her own.”
“I’m not sure what my mother and Bernie talked about. I’m not sure what Bernie did or who she talked to. I never saw Charles again.”
“That’s good.”
“Quite literally he was gone from our lives forever.”
“I hope she buried him in the backyard.”
“Nothing that drastic, love. They whispered a thing or two into the right ears, and he moved on.”
“Probably moved on to abuse another child.”
“I know that now, but at the time, we didn’t think in those terms. If I had the power to go back and change things, I would.”
My mother was showing such strength. Here she was telling her daughters that she had been sexually abused as a child, and she wasn’t shedding a tear. That kind of worried me.
“I am sorry, love. It never occurred to me that our Bernie could allow anything bad to happen to you when she was the woman who saved me from everything bad in my life.”
“I’m okay, Mom.”
“As am I, but that is not what we are speaking of here. I put my trust in the wrong person, and you were the one who paid the price. I am well and truly sorry, love.”
“I’m okay, Mom. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Certainly nothing like you went through.”
“Don’t!” Teagan’s voice was so stern it shocked both Mom and me.
“What?”
“Don’t pull a Cara, Cara. Don’t make out like what happened to you wasn’t a big deal just because something else happened to someone else. You always do that. You sit back and say that if someone breaks an ankle it doesn’t make your sprained ankle feel any better, but at the first hint that anything bad happened to someone else you throw your stuff to the side and take care of them. I know what happened to Mom was terrible, but what happened to you was terrible too, and Mom’s stuff doesn’t erase your stuff.”
“I didn’t say it did. What’s wrong with you?”
“For all the things the O’Flynns do right, we do some stuff very wrong.”
“What and who?” My mother whispered it.
Teagan started to leak. The tears came silently and with such volume that it was kind of fascinating. “That guy who lived in the rental house across from Mrs. Ladner when I was just starting to develop.”
“The father or the son?”
“The teenaged son.”
“You never said…”
“I didn’t want to get in trouble.”
“I’m so sorry, love, that you thought you would get in trouble for telling your own mother such a thing.”
“That’s not really why I thought I’d get in trouble. I figured I could tell you what happened to me; I just thought I’d get in trouble for what happened to him.”
“What?”
“He told me it was a school project. That it was really important. Science. That he’d already gotten your permission. I was helping.”
I couldn’t believe it. “From what I’ve read, that is a common grooming approach.”
“Yeah, well, it worked. Almost. Everything was going fine. He was looking. Comparing me to a book he had. Making all kinds of scientific noises and comments. Nothing different than what the doctor would do. It was for science. Made sense to me. I wasn’t the least bit uncomfortable.”
“Then tell me, love, why did you think you would be in trouble?”
“He figured he had me where he wanted me. He made the mistake of touching me. That just didn’t seem very science-y to me. So I told him to quit.”
“Good girl.”
“He didn’t quit. He got mad. He seemed to get…the word I would use now is aggressive; the word I would have used then was scary.”
“What did you do?”
“Remember back then, I was kickball champion at school. I could kick a ball from the base all the way over the back fence on the big kids’ field. Well, let’s just say that when I left, he was on the floor, throwing up.”
“Good girl. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought I’d get in trouble for kicking him. You always said we could rough and tumble all we wanted, but no kicking the guys; that was unfair. I’d be hard pressed to kick any harder than that to this day. I’m sure I did some serious damage, but I never saw an ambulance come to the house. He didn’t die, or we would have heard about it. They moved not all that long after that. He never even talked to me again. In my little kid eyes, it was just better to pretend it never happened.”
“Not all that long ago I would have bet my life that nothing like that had ever happened to an O’Flynn. Now I find out it happened to my own mother and sister. I wonder what else I don’t know about.”
Teagan smiled. “You know that I used to suck all the salt of your precious sunflower seeds, right?”
“Yes, hard to hide that fact.”
“Did you know that Leslie down the street used to do it with me? When you were later eating those puppies, you were…”
“Don’t. I get it. Yuck.”
My mother laughed. “Did you know that when the two of you ran away that time — ”
“You mean when you packed our bags and told us if we could find anyone who loved us more than you loved us, we should go ahead and move in?”
“Yes.”
“We spent the night at Marci’s house, but then her mother decided we couldn’t stay there because you would miss us so much that you couldn’t live without us. Made sense to us.”
“Yes, well, she and I had a standing agreement about the whole running away thing. Remember when Todd stayed with us for that week? He’d run away from home because his mother wouldn’t let him go to baseball camp. It took me a lot longer to convince him to go home than it took her to convince the two of you.”
“We were easy.”
Teagan laughed. “We just had better self-esteem. Made perfect sense to us that you couldn’t possibly live without us.”
“Still true, love.”
“Thanks.”
I took a deep breath. “So, now that we all know all that we all know, where does that leave us?”
“I have told your father the lot of it. I see no reason to share that with another living soul. I’ve come to peace with it over the years. And you, love. How shall it be?”
“Until Teagan was so rude, I thought I’d just suck it up. I’ve got a great life. I’m not ruined. All that has happened to me is how I got to be who I am. The weird part is, even after all these years, Bernie didn’t see all of this as inappropriate. She actually wanted me to remember it. Like it was a good thing.”
“That or she was trying to make up for it.”
“I don’t think so. All those little gifts. All those reminders. Either she was insane, or I’m missing something.”
“What do you mean?”
“I admit I don’t remember everything about everything. It kind of comes back to me in bits and pieces, but even those bits and pieces are really inappropriate. I think I have remembered everything, and then another piece comes to me. Then I put that piece with the others, and something else comes. I think for now, I’m just going to let it be and see what happens.”
“Bad plan.”
“Tell me, Teagan, why is that a bad plan?”
“Because I can’t stand not having the details.”
“Yes, I should always live my life for your convenience.”
“True, but I was also thinking that if you just allow all of this to hit you when it decides to hit you, what happens if it hits when you don’t want to be hit?”
“I never want to be hit.”
“You know what I mean. What happens if everything is great, you are in the middle of the best part of the best day of your life, and wham?”
“That would suck.”
“Exactly.”
“But how am I supposed to force it? You can’t force your memory to remember something you aren’t remembering.”
“Sure you can. You can go to that counselor you were seeing.”
“You were seeing a counselor, love?”
I wanted to smack Teagan. Hard. Maybe kick her over a fence or two.
“Yes. Just a couple of times. The whole thing with Barry kind of caught up with me.”
“Surely there is nothing to be ashamed of, love. I am very proud that you were willing to take positive steps to care for yourself. That is a wise thing to do under any circumstance.”
I wanted to shake my mother like a snow globe. Was the woman I know and love in there somewhere?
The older I get, the more different she is.
Unreal.
I took a sip of tea. Cold. Yuck!
I thought about it for just a second. My family lives with a bit of denial. We are good at avoidance. I’m not sure how to phrase it. I’ll address all my problems with Bernie just as soon as everybody else has all their issues at rest.
I know. It’s stupid. I’m working on it.
We got back to my apartment before A.J. arrived with dinner, and decided to have a quick cup of tea.
“Cara, I understand that you wanted to tone everything down for Mom’s benefit. She’s been through enough trauma, having to live through her abuse again just to tell Dad and us about it, but you don’t have to keep it all inside.”
“In other words, the Teagan gene has kicked in, and you are about to explode because I haven’t given you all the details.”
“That too.”
“I’m not sure what I want to do yet. Part of me wants to get it all out. Part of me just wants to tell the counselor. I’ve already told A.J. Part of me wants to get rid of the trunk and everything in it. Part of me wants to keep it and see if I want to open all the stuff twenty years down the road. I just don’t know yet.”
“You can leave the trunk with me. I’ll open all the stuff just to make sure there isn’t anything creepy or disturbing, then I’ll wrap it all back up and store it for you until you’re ready to open it yourself.”
“That is so generous of you, Teagan.”
“That’s the kind of sister I am. That’s why I’m your favorite. Oh, I need to call Sinead.”
“Why?”
“She was going to go over to Mom and Dad’s house and talk to them about the baby. Howard is going with her. He’s a brave boy. Today is probably not a good day for them to go over there.”
“I don’t think it’s a problem.”
“Mom doesn’t need another trauma. Or even a surprise.”
“I don’t think it is a problem, dip.”
“She knows?”
“What do you think?”
“Does she know about Maeve?”
“It wouldn’t surprise me.”
“If she knows about them, she probably knows about me. Why do we even bother, dingleberry?”
“Because we’re O’Flynns.”
I’d taken a long, warm shower, put on lots of smelly good stuff and one of my favorite nightgowns. It has black, really sheer fabric with ecru appliqués up the left side from the floor to the neckline, with fluttery short sleeves. It has a deep V-neckline and a deeper V-back, and I love it.
A.J. and I were sitting on the couch. We’d had a really good dinner. Takeout from the barbeque place. The fries were still hot. I love that.
Suzi had come over for dessert. It’s time to start keeping a closer eye on her. She’s getting pretty round. She’s having some problems with swelling in her legs and feet, and she isn’t taking good enough care of herself.
I offered to do some of the studio stuff so that she wouldn’t have to, but she jumped all over me and said no.
Cranky woman.
I would probably be cranky too.
Suzi seems to be crankiest with A.J. That makes sense since they work together all the time and he is her brother and the only family she sees all the time.
A.J. just lets it roll off of him, which is really good news, because when we start a family I fully intend for him to be the perfect supporting-husband type.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“How did it go with your Mom? We’ve had someone around all the time since you were over there. First Teagan, then my sister.”
“I’m sorry. That was wrong. I should have told them to go.”
“No, it was fine. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“My mom kind of made my head explode. The reason she lost it when I lost it is because when she was little, she was abused, and Bernie is the one who saved her from the whole thing, so she just assumed that any and all of her kids would be safe with Bernie.”
“I can understand why that would make your head explode.”
“Actually, what made my head explode was that she said of all her children I am the most like her.”
“And this surprised you? I thought that was a well-recognized fact.”
“What?”
“One of the first things Suzi said to me when I told her that you and I were together was that I’d better be sure I liked your mother, because you were just like her now and would be even more like her when you got older.”
“Are you kidding me right now?”
“No. I like your mother. It’s a good thing.” He smiled warmly.
“I never considered myself to be anything like my mother. Not even a little.”
“Wow. Talk about being self-unaware. I can’t believe this has never come up in conversation with Teagan.”
“Oh, it has, but we use it more as a threat. No woman wants to turn out just like her mother, even if her mother is the best person she has ever met.”
“And your mom is the best person you’ve ever met?”
“That would be difficult. A race between my mom and my dad.”
“Which means you understand why I believe you are the best person I’ve ever met.”
“No, you don’t. You think I’m the best fit for you, but that doesn’t make me the best person. I could list off ten — ”
“Listen to me, Cara. You are the best person I’ve ever met. The nicest person I’ve ever met. I admire you. A lot.”
You shouldn’t go straight to the ugly cry when you have on a beautiful sheer nightgown and your plans for the evening were not something that would be highlighted in a G-rated movie.
Didn’t matter.
Started out as a beautiful one-tear moment and spread like wildfire.
Then there was the laughing.
Mostly because I was embarrassed.
Then there was the good stuff.