TEAGAN CALLED AT about seven thirty. A.J. had just left for work, and I was sitting at the desk in the office trying to get some stuff done for Adeline.
“Hi. Are you okay?” I asked.
“Not really, but I will be.” Teagan sounded exhausted.
“You want to talk about it?”
“Yeah. That’s why I’m standing outside your door.”
I ran for the door, looked out the peephole — which had become a habit — and there was Teagan. She looked… Well, she looked like she’d been up all night, and it wasn’t for the same reasons I had been.
I pulled the door open, and she all but fell inside.
“Tea?”
“Please.”
“Food.”
“Never again.”
“You don’t look so good.”
“I don’t feel so good.”
“Did you guys come to any decisions?”
“Nope. I’m about ninety-nine percent sure that we’re going to be okay, though.”
“Oh, Teagan, I’m glad. I know this is hard, but I also know that you and Jessie are right for each other. You want to tell me all about it? Or do you want me to stay out of it?”
“Okay, I lied. Dingleberry, I have no idea if I want to stay or go. I don’t know if we’re going to be okay. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. I just need… Hell, I don’t know what I need. I just ended up here. I guess I need to talk.”
She followed me to the kitchen where she plunked herself down in a chair and ran her hands through her hair. “I want to tell you all about it. Then I want you to stay out of it. I want you to tell me if I’m being an idiot and the whole ‘love is blind’ thing, or tell me if I love him enough to make it through the ugly.”
“I’ll tell you what I think, but only you know if you want to stick around or call it done, Teagan.”
“I know. I changed my mind. Can I have something to eat? I spent a couple hours last night — make that early this morning — throwing up everything but my spleen.”
I wanted to cry. For her. For everything. Good things always happened to Teagan; she’s one of those fairytale kind of people that good things just happen to. She isn’t normally the one dealing with stuff like this, and it’s harder on her because of it. My sister Troya sailed through difficult times because she’s had so many challenges in her life, but Teagan gets bogged down.
Not that hard times are easy on anybody, but if you’re a person that has lots of negative stuff happen to you, you kind of grow a thicker skin. Teagan’s skin is not only flawless and like porcelain; it’s also really, really thin.
I forced myself back into the moment. “What sounds good?”
“How about some toast to go with my tea?”
“White, wheat, or raisin?”
“See, Cara, this is why I come to you. You have the whole comfort of home thing down. If you came to my house right now and wanted something, I could offer you tea with no milk, a rather extensive offering of condiments and spices, and I think I have a beer and tootsie rolls in the fridge.”
“Tootsie rolls in the fridge? Won’t that break your teeth?”
“They’re left over from Halloween. Don’t judge me.”
“Oh, I get it. If they’re cold enough to break your teeth, you have to warm them up to eat them so they aren’t such a big temptation.”
“You’d think that, but no. I just wanted to make sure that they didn’t attract ants. If I want one, I just shove it in my mouth and don’t chew on it right away.”
“Okay, what toast?”
“Sorry. Raisin. Extra butter. And, Cara?”
“Hmm?”
“Thanks.”
“Thanks for what? I haven’t even gotten it out yet.”
“Thanks for being there for me. For coming over in the middle of the night. For not jumping to a really negative place. For giving Jessie and me a chance to decide what we want to do before you ever said anything. For being my sister.”
Okay, so I didn’t really cry cry, but I leaked a little.
“Teagan, whatever you decide you want to do, I’m there. Agree or disagree doesn’t matter. This isn’t my decision.”
“So mature. When did that happen?”
“I’m not one hundred percent sure, but I think maybe about the time Barry kicked the crap out of me. Things really changed for me. A lot. When Suzi backed him instead of me, my whole world shifted just a little bit. I can’t explain it.”
“You don’t have to. Tea?”
I put her cup on the table. “Sorry.”
I made Teagan her tea and toast. I even softened the butter and warmed up a little bit of jelly, although I couldn’t imagine why anyone would put jelly on raisin toast.
Don’t tell anyone, not a living soul, because it will get back to Mom and she’d kill us all dead, but my mother was known to put mayonnaise on raisin bread, after she butters it, and then that canned cheese stuff. She wasn’t even pregnant at the time. I couldn’t get that one out of my head.
I sat at the table with Teagan and sipped my tea while she got her thoughts together.
“Okay, so you know that Jessie came over last night. Thanks for waiting and making sure that I was okay.”
“You’re welcome. Dingleberries are known to hang around.”
It made her smile. Things couldn’t be too bad.
“Jessie came in, and I was still a mess. I just couldn’t stop crying, and the more I cried, the worse I felt. Worked myself up into quite a little tizzy, as Mom would say.”
“Good. He should see that. He should know that this is hard for you.”
“I’m not sure anyone should see me like that, but you’re right. I was completely open and honest with him. I told him that if we couldn’t be one hundred percent open and honest, then I didn’t think any of this was going to work.”
I nodded. It was really hard for me not to comment, but I was trying.
“I told him that I didn’t want all the gory details, but I did need to know everything. With focus on the reason he didn’t tell me sooner. I can forgive just about anything, Cara. You know me. But all this time, him not telling me, I’m not sure I can forgive that. Wait. I’m getting all out of order. Let me just tell you what he said, then I’ll tell you how I feel about what he said, and then I’ll tell you what I think and you can do whatever it is you do.”
“Okay.”
“He met a girl named Joy. How ironic is that? Anyway he starts dating her, and they get involved really fast. She swears she’s on the pill. He’s too stupid to take normal precautions, like everybody in the universe should do these days. Every single time. Not much use in using precautions if you don’t use them every time. It’s like winning the lottery. It only takes once. And looking around these days, I’d say it’s a whole lot more common than winning the lottery. Anyway, she comes up pregnant. By that point, the whole relationship had pretty much fizzled out, and I had just contacted him through the stupid computer. He really didn’t expect our relationship to go anywhere; he thought I’d contacted him like an old friend. She was so crazy and wild that he had all but convinced himself that the baby wasn’t his — if there really was a baby. She went off on a tangent late one night and admitted to him she had held onto past boyfriends by claiming she was pregnant when she wasn’t.”
I shook my head. “I thought that kind of stuff was over a long time ago, but I guess not. This story isn’t the first time I’ve heard about this approach.”
“Anyway, he and I start dating. She just kind of disappeared. He saw her once. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but he thought it was months, not weeks, and she didn’t look pregnant at all. When he saw her that time, she came up with this whole long thing about how she had brain cancer and was dying and whatever. He was convinced that she was crazy.”
“Sounds like it.”
“So he and I are moving forward with our relationship. He wasn’t trying to keep crazy girl a secret; he just thought that it was a weird little piece of his past that would come up in conversation some day, but it hadn’t yet. As far as he was concerned, he had dated a crazy girl, she had told him a crazy story, and boom, we’re done.”
“Denial is a wonderful thing.”
“Isn’t it, though? So he and I are to the point that we’re basically living together. We’ve talked about marriage, but we aren’t engaged or anything. Crazy girl comes back around, and now she’s really pregnant. Remember all the craziness with Joe?”
“The bouncer?”
“The cop.”
“Oh, that Joe. Yeah. I was actually paying more attention to not getting killed by a crazy cop than I was about what Jessie was doing.”
“Jessie said all that was going on, and that’s why he didn’t say anything when she showed up again. Besides, the story kept changing. She would say the baby was his, then disappear. Then she’d say it wasn’t his, and she would disappear again. Basically, Jessie decided that at some point, if her visits became any more frequent, he would say something to me, just so that I wouldn’t be caught off guard. But he was still absolutely sure that the child was not his. He’d used protection most of the time, and she got weirder every time he saw her. He figured that he was dealing with a crazy ex, not a baby mama.”
“Joe-the-cop? Really? That long ago?”
“I know! Not once, in all this time, could he say, ‘By the way, Teagan. Let me tell you a story about a little girl, and oh yeah, she’s my daughter.‘”
“Sorry. I said I’d shut up.”
“Considering it’s you, you’re doing very well.”
“Thank you. I think.”
“So anyway, she disappears again. Time passes. She has the baby, doesn’t contact Jessie at all, but does put his name on the birth certificate. First he hears about it is when the courts come knocking asking why he’s a deadbeat dad. He informs them it’s because he has no children, and they show him the paperwork. They did the paternity test and all that. It came back that he was definitely her dad.”
“Why didn’t he tell you then?”
“Remember that night when we decided we would go on the cruise?”
“Yeah.”
“Remember I was in a really bad mood because Jessie couldn’t come with me, and he was going off with some woman? Not crazy woman but a woman from work.”
“Not really.”
“Well, I made sure that he had me on his mind before we left on that cruise, which was unnecessary because all he could think of was me. Turns out, he had finally screwed up enough courage to tell me, and I go over there and seduce him. He could start the whole drama about his daughter, or he could have a good night — potentially his last — with me. He decided to go for the good night.”
“Okay, but that was a long time ago.”
“Remember right after the cruise there was a thing in the news about a lab that got all the testing screwed up? There was all kinds of cross contamination, and then there was that one guy that people were paying to fake the test results.”
“You’re kidding?”
“Nope. That was the lab that they used, so Jessie was back in full denial mode. He figured she was just crazy enough to bribe a guy or something. And you know what? Hearing some of the stuff she did, I can understand why he would think that, plus he was pretty desperate to not be the dad. Not because he wouldn’t take responsibility for his child —he’s a good guy —but because he didn’t want to be stuck with this psycho woman for the rest of his life.”
“Makes sense.”
Teagan looked like she was going to hit me. “No, it doesn’t!”
“I’m trying to be supportive here.”
“Well, be realistic.”
“Okay. How ‘bout I just be quiet?”
“That’s a plan, too. So anyway, that dragged on for a while, and then they had to do the test again. That time, they sent it away. It takes less than a week, and you log onto their site, and there’s your future. He’s her dad alright.”
“So why didn’t he tell you then?”
“Remember? That was when everything was crazy. Jordan’s biological father showed up, and they pretty much went into hiding, and then there was the whole thing with him being offered that position, and he didn’t even know if I would follow him if he decided to move, so he wasn’t going to open that whole can of worms if I wasn’t even going. I knew something was off back then. He forgot stuff. Just wasn’t himself. Jerkface was getting out of jail. Everything was going crazy.”
“I remember. I’d forgotten we called Joe-the-cop Jerkface. That was a really rough time, and it was my life that made it so rough. I’m sorry if my drama added drama to your life.”
“Take all the blame you want, but it’s not your fault that Jessie didn’t tell me. Anyway, last night he went through it all. Every time he screwed his courage up to tell me, some major issue would come up, and it all just fell apart. Life got in the way.”
“No comment.”
“I know. But Joy took off with the baby, and he couldn’t track them down, and it all got to be a huge mess.”
“So he was just going to pretend he didn’t have a daughter?”
“No. He has had people looking for them.” Her tone was somewhere between sarcastic and angry. Then instantly it went softer. “One of the reasons Jessie is so good at doing what he does is that he completely compartmentalizes everything in his life. He took Joy and the baby and shoved them in one cubby hole and me in another.”
Teagan was defensive and kind of aggressive all at the same time. I wasn’t sure which side of the argument she wanted me to take. I tried humor. “He should have told me. I’d have had Adeline, Carolyn, and Anna look for them. Turns out, they can find just about anybody. Long story. I’ll tell you later.”
“They’re found. Jessie has a court hearing in two weeks. Joy hasn’t allowed him to see the baby. He’s never met her.”
“That can’t be easy for him.”
“Actually, when I’m being particularly bitchy about the whole thing, I assume that it’s easier for him to deny she exists because he has never met her.”
“So what’s he going to do? Is he going to fight for partial custody? Visitation? Whatever else he’s entitled to?”
“Right now, he’s just trying to get to see her and to make sure that Joy is bringing her to the doctor and getting her shots and all that.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. At first, I was shocked and hurt. Not because of the baby, but because he lied to me and hid it from me. I feel like it’s a huge betrayal. I’m not sure I can get past it.”
“I can understand that.”
“But I love him.”
“I can understand that, too.”
“And, Cara, I feel like just because he isn’t perfect, this shouldn’t be the end of everything for us.”
“I understand.”
“It isn’t like he cheated on me. He got her pregnant before we got back together.”
“True.”
“At the same time, he’s had all these months to tell me, and every single time he has seen me or talked to me or whatever, that’s an individual betrayal adding itself to a huge betrayal.”
“True.”
“You’re not helping, dingleberry.”
“I’m being a sounding board. I’m just listening. Sounding boards don’t have mouths. Only ears.”
“So what do you think I should do?”
“You aren’t going to like my answer.”
“Tell me anyway, dingleberry.”
I took a very deep breath. “I think you and Jessie should go talk to Mom and Daddy. Together.”
“What? Why?”
“Who do you know that has a better marital relationship than Mom and Daddy?”
“Nobody.”
“They have had their share of problems, Teagan. Their lives haven’t been that easy. They’ve worked through all their problems and all our problems, and they’re still going strong. I think they could give you really good advice.”
“But if I’m not even sure what I want to do, why put them in the middle of it?”
“You aren’t putting them in the middle of it; you’re asking for their guidance. No matter what you and Jessie decide to do, eventually Mom and Daddy are going to learn the details. If they’re going to know about it anyway, why not tell them now and get some help?”
“Good point.”
“Do you think he would do it?”
“No doubt in my mind. He said he would do anything I want him to do. Anything. He even cried. It was sweet and pathetic, and it did make me feel a little better.”
“Then I think your next step is to talk to Mom. Tell her you want your very own O’Flynn pre-cana conference.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
I smiled at her. “It had to happen sooner or later. Me being right.”
“Thanks. I’m out of here. I’m going to do that right now. I’m not going to work today. I called in Honey.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s our new office term. We’re thinking about putting it in the company handbook. It means I just didn’t feel like going in today.”
“Hey, if it works for you guys, it works.”
As I opened the door to let Teagan out, Suzi was opening her door, a screaming Evelyn in her arms.
Teagan went straight toward them, her mission forgotten for the moment. Procrastination is a wonderful thing. “Is she okay?”
“I was going to walk her around in the fresh air. She’s not a happy person. Been like this for a while. She just won’t calm down.”
Teagan took Evelyn from Suzi. “First, we’ll do a body check. Then I’ll take her for a walk, and you and Cara can have a nice calming cup of tea.”
“Body check?”
“Just a thing my mom always does with crying babies. Babies can develop the strangest things. They get a hair wrapped around a toe or their diaper stuck to them or any other weird little thing that can become a very trying problem in a short person’s life.” The last few words had completely changed tone. Teagan was in full baby mode, rocking back and forth and using her best sing-songy voice, which babies seemed to love for some reason.
Suzi reached in and closed her apartment door. We all trooped back to my place. Teagan threw a baby blanket on the couch and started undressing Evelyn while Suzi watched. I went in and put the kettle on. Again.
When a naked little Evelyn was no happier than she was before, Teagan got her dressed again, swaddled her up, told Suzi to relax, and walked out the door.
Poor Suzi. Every little thing Evelyn takes offense to, Suzi takes personally. It’s really hard when the first baby you’re around is your own.
By the time we’d finished our tea, Teagan and Evelyn were back. Evelyn was completely out, sleeping hard with just a sigh or a catch in her breath every now and then. After-tremors of a crying fit were so much cuter than the fit itself. Teagan sat at the table, still holding her.
Suzi smiled. “You’re so good at this, Teagan. You’re a naturally good mother. It’s like you can step in with any baby and make things right.”
Teagan looked startled. “It’s an O’Flynn thing.”
My mother called about an hour later. “What is it that Teagan is having troubles with?”
“What?”
“Do not play innocent with me, Cara Siobhan. Your sister called and asked to speak to your father and me. She said that she and himself would be over shortly. She said she wanted our advice. Her voice was such that I am quite sure there is trouble about. What is it that she needs?”
“She’ll explain it all when she gets there, Mom.”
“I am well and truly aware of that, love. I would like to be just a bit prepared.”
“You’ve been preparing since the day Seamus was born. She just needs a little mothering, and there’s no one in the world more prepared than you.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment, love.”
“It was meant as one.”
“There will be dinner here Sunday at seven. We have a bit of celebrating to do. Will you be here?”
“I will. What are we celebrating?”
“Any number of things. See you then, love.”
With that, she was gone.
I kept myself busy with more work for Adeline. Then the cooking I hadn’t finished for Ben and Joe (the bouncers that came to A.J.’s aid the night he was attacked) and Teagan’s future mother-in-law — I hope. Then I moved on to some house cleaning. It all kept me busy enough to only think about what was going on over at Mom’s house instead of obsessing on it.
Okay, I lied. I couldn’t think about anything else.
It wasn’t about the baby. Babies are always a good thing. Although I haven’t done the math, and I’m not sure exactly how old she is. If I think back on the cruise, and if that was when Jessie first found out, that would make the baby a little older than Evelyn. That would stick with what Jessie said about ‘less than a year’ if he didn’t know that Joy was pregnant right away. But that would mean that he’d known for such a long time.
I didn’t ask very many questions of Teagan. Not even the baby’s name. It seemed like she was trying to keep it a little bit impersonal, and once a baby has a name and age, it’s personal.
It would be personal soon enough. Teagan needed the luxury of control. I think that’s part of the problem for her. She’s a really controlling person, and when Jessie didn’t tell her what was going on, not only was it about dishonesty and betrayal and all that, but he took the control away from her. Control to plan her life. Control to make good decisions.
It seems impossible for a person who loves you to keep that kind of life-altering information away from you for that long. I could understand a week or two while you figured out where your own brain was, but almost a year? Really?
And then to plan that whole completely over-the-top romantic weekend with Teagan. We should have known something was up. Who does something like that? It wasn’t a bonding experience for Jessie and Teagan and our whole family; it was one big huge manipulation.
Those thoughts brought up all the thoughts I’d had — okay, resentments would be a better description — when everything happened at the studio. You would think that you would let your girlfriend know when you were attacked or when your place of business was attacked. Not once, but twice, and A.J. didn’t call me right away. I knew he was busy, and I knew he was a guy and guys fixed things first and talked later, if ever. But we’re supposed to be a team.
In all fairness, I always call Teagan first, but I’m getting better about that. If A.J. and I didn’t want to ask my parents for help — and believe me, we didn’t — then we needed to figure this stuff out before there was a problem.
I was trying to decide if I should take a bath, call and ask Jordan out on a date with his favorite Auntie, or put a hit out on Teagan for keeping me in suspense so long, when she called.
“I can’t talk right now. We’re going to go out to dinner. I just wanted to say thank you.”
Before I could say anything, I heard Jessie’s voice. “Red, I want to thank you, too.”
I seemed to be on speaker phone all of the sudden. I hated that. I decided not to complain and ruin the moment and laughed instead. “You haven’t called me Red since we were in high school.”
“I mean it. I will owe you for the rest of my life. I’ll make it up to you though, I promise.”
“You have nothing to make up to me. Enjoy your dinner, Jessie.”
They must have hit buttons because it sounded like I was off speakerphone and back to Teagan. “Don’t tell him he doesn’t owe you anything. Milk it!” With that, she laughed and hung up.
I guess whatever Mom and Daddy said to them worked because they sounded pretty happy.
I’m sure they have a really long road ahead of them. Nothing is fixed that quickly, and it’s going to take Jessie a long time to win Teagan’s trust back. Actually, trust is earned not won, but either way, it’s going to take some time.
I called Jordan. I figured because my brother is probably trying to catch up on work — he’s been so busy helping with Morgan and A.J.’s stuff — that he might like a break from multitasking, taking care of Jordan and business at the same time.
Anna, Adeline, and Caroline beat me to it. Today he’s out with the girls; they decided to spoil him a little. He was supposed to go on an amusement park tour with them, but he delayed it so that his friend and the friend’s parents could go instead while he babysat their pets. The friend’s mom just got back from being deployed. I’m not sure what exactly happened; I had to change a bunch of reservations and arrangements that I’d made on Adeline’s behalf.
It was kind of funny. Adeline was going to surprise the girls. Anna usually makes all their travel arrangements, but this time, Adeline wanted to do something special and have Anna relax. It all fell apart. Anna must have had somebody up there watching over her. I tried to tell Adeline that Anna likes to do all the arranging because it gives her a sense of accomplishment. She loves the organizing part, and there’s just a wee bit of a control issue in there, too — I know this because I am this — but Adeline had me go ahead anyway.
Now, the girls were going to head up toward New York to deal with Adeline’s children. That was a scary thought.
Her kids had tried to kill her not all that long ago.
Okay, that might have been a little bit of an exaggeration.
The kids — who are a lot older than me, but that’s how I think of them — knew that Adeline was starting to fade away. They might not have known why, but they knew she was sick and getting sicker, and they didn’t do anything to help her. Her younger daughter did. She was in the service and contacted a neighbor to check on her mom, and that woman contacted me.
Turned out, the house had mold in it. She has a huge house. It has a full basement, which isn’t really common in this area. The pumps that were supposed to make sure that everything stayed dry and healthy weren’t working, and Adeline just got sicker and sicker. As she got sicker, she let more and more of her staff go. By the time her neighbor Jovana called me, Adeline was in pretty bad shape.
You know me. I can’t mind my own business. Ever. I had to get all involved, which turned out to be a good thing, since I got my job. But by having my job, I also know how really disgusting her older kids are.
And she and two other little old ladies were going to go confront them.
I tried to talk her into letting the lawyers handle it.
She wouldn’t.
I tried to talk her into letting the security people go with her.
She said no. She also said if she found out that they followed her or had her watched, she’d fire them. They had a bit of a problem in Vegas because of all that, but that was a whole other story.
So the girls are off to New York all alone.
The good news was the girls would have a blast. Carolyn and Anna had no clue what they were in for. Adeline had the kind of money that you really couldn’t wrap your brain around, and since she was going to deal with her kids, she was going in the style that her world was used to, not the style of normal people. I couldn’t wait to hear all about it.
I took a nice long bath. Slathered myself with smelly good stuff. For some reason known only to God, I put on yoga pants and a t-shirt instead of evening wear and sat on the couch with a fresh cup of tea and Bernie’s journal.
I was bound and determined to read it all of the sudden, but I refused to read it in order. That just seems like bowing to what Bernie wanted, and I don’t want to do what Bernie wanted.
Yeah, real mature. I get that.
I don’t care.
I read that whole thing about Cassia, and it didn’t bring back any memories of the weirdness I encountered as a kid while I was with Bernie, so I decided I’d flip to stuff a little more current, or at least in the second half of the journal.
I lost the last of them today. The truth of it is that she died more than a fortnight ago without her children giving me a thought. Why would they? The long lost daughter of a family that sent her away and never retrieved her. When I came to America, it was a tool for the family, even in such innocence I understood that. I was to come to the land of opportunity and create a safe landing for each of them to come in turn. They did not follow. Not a one of them. They did not insist that I return. They left me far from home without a single resource, and then when I went about building a life by any means available to me, they turned their backs on me once more.
There is a part of my soul that screams good riddance to them. To them all. When Mam passed, and in turn Da, the lot of them did not notify me in time to make the journey had I the funds and the will. They claimed that passage would take too long and that the troubles were boiling hot. It seems reasonable that a civil war would keep me away, but in all truth it was that they didn’t want me there. Had they told me that Mam was ill, or that Da had been injured, surely they knew that I would make every effort to join the family. They were aware that I was able to afford the journey. Although they considered my riches to be ill-gotten gains, it did not deter them from accepting the monthly wire I provided.
Back then, my youngest sister was kind enough to write to me and tell me of the proceedings. They lay Mam in the front parlor. All the village came to pay respects. Da was beside himself with grief and fell hard into a bottle he did not climb out of for months. She told me there was no need for me to come. Mam had been laid to rest before she ever put pen to paper. I was too late.
And now, in a cruel repeat of my family tradition, I find that my last sibling is put to rest without my ever knowing that she had passed. The truth of it is that I will not miss her. Nor the rest of my family. The betrayal complete. They turned me out, and upon their decision to stay in Ireland, I became dead to them. For many a year, the only time I have been considered is when they want from me. A sponsorship for someone in the village. A donation to the church there. A mass needing to be said. Last I was told, everyone was in fine form. Now this. I have decided to dedicate myself to my chosen family. Mother Church and those that I have come to know here in my chosen homeland.
The shame that I brought to them seems to be based on convenience. When it is something they want, my shame is ignored. When there is nothing they want from me, I am a fallen woman. We shall see if I can fulfill that title.
I noticed that I do share at least one trait with Bernie. She seemed to slip in and out of the present. I did that. I’d be talking about times long past one minute, and the next I’d talk as if no time passed at all. I couldn’t tell you how many times my mother asked me if I possessed a time machine.
I wonder if that played any part in why I couldn’t seem to get my brain around everything with the past as far as Bernie was concerned.
I didn’t really believe in repressed memories.
I had a really bad memory all my life. I didn’t remember much of anything, really. My family talked about all the stuff I’d done as a kid, but I remembered their stories more than the actual events. It used to scare me. I went to the doctor once. She told me that some people just didn’t index their memories well and that the memories were just kind of lost until something or someone triggered something. It wasn’t that I forgot; it was that I didn’t access the information until it was relevant.
Still, I hadn’t thought about the stuff that opening the trunk brought back up for me.
It was kind of like the whole spy thing. You ask a real spy if they’re a spy, and they are going to say no. You ask someone that isn’t a spy if they’re a spy, and they’re going to say no. If you ask someone if they are a spy and they say yes, chances are good they aren’t a spy at all.
If you didn’t remember, then how could you know you’d repressed a memory? If you remembered, then it wasn’t repressed. If you kind of remembered, but only after something brought it to your attention, maybe it wasn’t a repressed memory at all. Maybe it was a planted memory. I read something about that once. Or did Teagan tell me about it?
See!
Anyway, back to the journal. With this entry, there was no picture. Poor Bernie. To be abandoned by your whole family like that. I couldn’t imagine it.
My phone rang before I could put anymore thought into it.
It was Sinead. “Hey.”
“Hi. What’s up?”
“I need some help.”
“What can I do?”
“Did Mom invite you over to dinner on Sunday?”
“Yep.”
“I think she’s going to make the big announcement.”
“Which one?”
“About me and Howard and the baby.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not so sure everybody is going to be as excited as you about it.”
“Sinead, you have to know that everyone in the family already knows. The official announcement hasn’t been made, but it’s kind of obvious. Mom even did her ‘mom-eye’ thing on you when she got back from Ireland. Everybody is thrilled. You know that. Who do you think is going to be a problem? Seamus?”
“Among others.”
“He’ll be fine. Mom will kill him if he says a word.”
“I think he’s going to pull my funding.”
“What?”
“You know, how the family has been helping with my school stuff.”
“Sinead, you have a full ride scholarship. We’re only putting in a little bit for the extras. It isn’t that big of a deal.”
“It is to me.”
“You know what I mean. There are so many of us that it’s just a few dollars each.”
“Now more than ever, that few dollars is going to make a big difference in my life. Howard wants to just take over everything. He wants to cover everything that my scholarship doesn’t. But I’m not ready for that right now.”
“Then tell him thanks but no thanks.”
“But if Seamus pulls the extra…”
“Okay. Seamus doesn’t speak for everybody. Even if he were to think that pulling the funding is a good idea, which I’m sure he doesn’t, that is only one person.”
“The head of the cat.”
“What?”
“Where the head goes, the body follows.”
“You think if Seamus said that he didn’t want to send his check anymore that we’d all stop?”
“The thought has crossed my mind. A lot.”
“I can’t decide if I’m offended or if I should laugh.”
“Laughing is always better.”
“Seamus doesn’t run the family, Sinead.”
“Maybe not, but he thinks he does.”
“Well, he doesn’t. Besides, he’s about to become a father after they tried so hard for so long, so he’s probably feeling pretty… What’s the word?”
“Magnanimous? Benevolent? Altruistic? Bounteous? Philanthropic?”
“See? This is why you need to stay in college. All those big words.”
I heard her laugh. Always a good thing.
“You really don’t think he’s going to have the family cut me off?”
“I don’t think he could if he wanted to, and I don’t think he wants to.”
“Okay. It has me a little freaked out.”
“If you overthink everything and overanalyze everything, you will find a problem where none exists.”
“True. But, Cara? If you don’t look at anything and don’t analyze anything, your problems don’t automatically disappear, you know.”
“I know, but refuse to accept.”
“Probably smart.”
“So is that what you needed? Me to tell Seamus to stop being a turd if he decides to be one?”
“Pretty much.”
“Mom won’t let anybody be mean. You know how she is with babies.”
“I think this one is a little different. Even you have to see that, Cara. This is Mom’s first grandbaby without the benefit of marriage.”
“I think Mom is more understanding than you believe her to be. Actually, after the last few hours, I know she is.”
“Why? What’s going on?”
“I’m sure you’ll hear all about it on Sunday.”
“Who?”
“Nope. I’m not saying anything.”
“Well, then at least I know it’s about Teagan.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because if it were anyone else, you would tell me. She has some kind of superpower over you that the rest of us don’t have.”
“Have you ever been the victim of a Teagan-Twister? No, you have not. A Teagan-Takedown? I don’t think so. And you don’t even want to know what a Teagan-Tanker is. You have not lived it, so don’t judge.”
Sinead laughed. “I gotta go. I feel better, thanks.”
“You and Howard want to come over for dinner?”
“No, thanks. I think Sunday is going to be enough.”
“Is he unhappy about it?”
“Oh, he’s thrilled. It’s me that knows what to expect and isn’t looking forward to it.”
My turn to laugh.
“How are you feeling?”
“I’m good. Healthy. Doctor says everything is right on schedule. I found out I was pregnant super early. I thought I had the flu. Went to the campus clinic. I guess it’s one of the first things they check for. Howard was with me. He was instantly excited.”
“He’s a good guy.”
“Yeah, he is. His parents are even happy, so we’re good.”
“I’m glad. I’ll let you go, but, Sinead?”
“Yeah?”
“You really need to make a little more time for the family. Me too.”
“I know. Things have just kind of slipped for the last few months, but we’re good.”
“Love you.”
“Love you, too. Thanks, Cara.”