“WE NEED TO get married.”
I didn’t drop the eggs on the floor. I’m proud of that.
“Need?”
“Cara, you know what I mean.”
“When someone makes an announcement like that at five thirty on a weekday morning, when I’m half asleep, I take nothing for granted.”
“Don’t you think we should get married?”
“Should? Have to? These are not the words a woman wants to hear about marriage.”
“Sorry. I’m not Jessie.”
I knew that A.J. was talking about the over-the-top romantic weekend that Jessie had planned for Teagan, only to have everything kind of fall apart right after that, but I didn’t want to mix that conversation up with the one we were having. “Thank God!”
That brought a smile to A.J.’s face, which was good. If you’re going to turn down an offer of marriage, which was exactly what I was gonna do, and you want to continue your relationship with the guy that’s proposing — well, it wasn’t really a proposal the way he put it. But if you want to continue your relationship, then you’d better be gentle, and he’d better be smiling. “What’s going on?”
“What if it had been you in that restaurant last night? What if things hadn’t turned out so well?”
“A wedding ring doesn’t stop a bullet, A.J.”
“I know that.” He got very quiet.
I’d obviously hurt him, but I didn’t know what else to say. I tried something different. Not so flippant. “You know that what we have isn’t defined by a piece of paper.”
A.J. shook his head. “That’s the guy’s out. You’re not supposed to use it.”
“I’ll get my girl card polished up this afternoon. I love you, you know that, right?”
“I love you, too.”
“If something terrible happened, that wouldn’t devalue what we have. Just like making it official wouldn’t make it any more valuable.”
“Then why don’t we make it official? If it isn’t going to change anything, then why don’t you want to do it?”
I’d known this conversation was coming for a while, and I still hadn’t figured out a really good way to explain my insanity.
“A.J., marriage doesn’t make a relationship worth more, but it does change things. It signals to the world that we are completely committed.”
The look on his face hurt me down to my soul. “Sorry, I thought we’d already made that clear.”
“You didn’t let me finish.”
“Is that what you want?” His tone was so challenging.
“What?”
“You want to end this?”
“What? Where did that come from?”
“You said you weren’t totally committed, and you followed that with ‘finish,’ so where else was I supposed to go?”
“Okay, we need to really talk. Sit down. I’ll have food ready in less than five minutes.” I’d hoped that having a couple minutes to think would help the situation, but A.J. didn’t seem inclined to give them to me.
“We don’t need food. If you want to talk, you sit.”
“I’m gonna need more tea.”
“Cara, if you want to talk, sit.”
I sat.
“We’ve been dancing around this for a while. We need to talk. In the daylight. Now.”
“Okay.” I said it so quietly even I had a hard time hearing myself.
“You’re the one that doesn’t want to marry me, so you go first,” A.J. snapped.
“I never said I didn’t want to marry you.”
“You never say yes. I’ve asked you twenty times. You just float away from it, like you float away from everything you don’t want to deal with. I’ve let it go. Over and over again. But I don’t want to let it go anymore. I want a real answer, which I know will be no, and then I want to know why, and why we’re doing this“ — he looked around the apartment like he’d never seen it before — “if you don’t really want to be with me.”
I swear my jaw dropped. Just like in the cartoons. “I don’t want to be with you? What the hell?”
“When things go bad, you go running off to your sister. When you need something, you go running off to your parents. What am I supposed to think? The only time you come to me is when…” He had the courtesy to blush.
“You know what? I am fully aware that I have family issues. But, and it’s a really big but, at least my issue is that I have a family I’m overinvolved with.” The second the words came out of my mouth, I recognized what they sounded like and regretted it. I swear to God, I wasn’t directing that at A.J. and his family, but at families in general. I get so tired of hearing that my family is weird and that no one is like us and that we come out of some cheap movie or something. Just because we aren’t like their family, it’s our family that’s messed up. Well, maybe people should take a look in the mirror first.
A.J. was stone-faced. “Wow.”
“I know you aren’t going to believe me, but that was not directed at you.”
“I didn’t think it was.”
“Then why did you say ‘wow’?”
“Because one of the things I like most about you is the thing you think I don’t like.”
“What?” I was so ready to fight, and he wasn’t fighting. What the hell is that?
“I love the fact that you and your family are this emotional spaghetti that’s all twisted and wrapped around each other, and it’s messy and filling and abundant.”
“Now it’s my turn to say ‘wow.’ That was almost poetic.”
“Cara…” A.J. smiled and shook his head. “We don’t fight because we just aren’t good at it. Even if I get mad, I don’t stay mad. Even when I want to. We probably need to learn how to do this right.”
“I know. The only person I’ve ever really fought with is Teagan.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s insane?”
“I don’t think that’s it. I think the reason that you only fight with Teagan is because she’s the only one you’ve ever trusted enough to fight with.”
I didn’t want to think about that, but it sure had a ring of truth to it. All these years I’ve been shouting from the rooftops that I come from this really close family, and now maybe it’s time I come to understand I don’t trust any of them? That’s kind of harsh. It also means I’m totally delusional. That can’t be good.
“I’ll have to think about that.” I can’t help it if one tear slid down my face.
“A fight is easier to deal with than telling me why you don’t want to marry me, but I’m not going to do that, Cara. Tell me why.”
“It isn’t that I don’t want to marry you. I do. I always have. Since the first time you picked me up and brought me in and took care of me when I messed up my ankle dancing by the duckies. I thought you knew that. And for the record, you are the only person I’ve ever let take care of me. Not even Teagan is allowed to do that. Think about when Barry beat the crap out of me. The only time anyone was allowed to do anything for me was pretty much when I was in a coma or physically unable to do anything at all for myself. The second I was able, I was doing for myself. Even if it killed me. That’s just how I am. But I let you carry me in and put ice on my ankle and get me all boozed up and everything. That never happens.”
“I am honored that I was able to injure you.” A.J. gave me a smile.
I got back to the topic at hand. “Marriage changes everything. It doesn’t make the relationship any more valuable, but it changes the way people think of you. Other people’s expectations of you. Your expectations of yourself. It makes it all official and grown up and complicated.”
“There is a good side, you know.”
“I know.”
“Cara, I don’t get it. Why are you so against marriage? You. Of all people in the whole world. You like the old-fashioned stuff. Your parents have a great marriage. Your brothers and sisters are all pro-marriage. Even Sinead is pro-marriage, and she doesn’t want to get married right now, not because of marriage, but because of her circumstances. Why are you so against it?”
“I need more tea.”
A.J. was getting frustrated, but I didn’t know what to say. He took a deep breath and kinda hissed at me. “Fine. You know what? I’m going to make you a cup of tea. Then you’re going to answer. Because you are not moving until I have an answer. I’ve been patient, Cara. I let everything go. I’m not letting this go. Not this time.”
By the time he came back with a reasonably good facsimile of a cup of tea, I was ready to confess.
“Everyone assumes that coming from the perfect family is a good thing. I used to think that, too. But it’s not.”
He had the good grace not to challenge or interrupt me, which made me feel safe, so I bulldozed on.
“My parents have the perfect marriage. Do you know I’ve never seen them fight? Not more than a snippy comment now and then, and even those are rare. My dad still opens car doors for my mom. My mom still says she is the luckiest woman in the world because he decided to marry her. In all my life, I’ve never heard one of them say one negative thing about the other. Not once. Not ever.”
“That’s good.”
“No, that’s bad.”
“How could great role models be bad?”
“How do I live up to that?”
“What?”
“If perfection is the norm, and you find you are about as far away from perfect as anyone could possibly be, then how do you do that? I’ve always wanted a marriage like my mom and dad’s, but I can’t live up to that standard.”
A.J.’s eyes were huge. “Really? That’s the problem? You don’t want to get married because you won’t have a marriage as successful as your parents?”
I admit, I was getting mad. How could he want to marry me when he didn’t know something so fundamental about me? Everybody knows I’m nuts. What has taken him so long to catch on?
“Cara, nobody’s marriage is perfect. I’m sure your parents have had just as many problems as everybody else.”
“That’s just it! They haven’t!”
“Your parents haven’t had problems?”
“Of course they have.”
“I’m lost. You said they haven’t, and you’ve said they have.”
“No, I said they haven’t had as many problems as normal people, because they haven’t. They haven’t had all the petty little problems that break a marriage apart, because they’re both better people than that. A.J., we both know that if you weren’t such a good person, you would have kicked me to the curb by now. You have put up with all kinds of bullshit that no other man would put up with. Between my family and Jerkface coming after me and Barry beating me up and everything else, we can’t go two days without something crazy happening, and you haven’t thrown it in my face hardly at all.”
“Cara…”
“No, I’m serious. My life has been crazy all this time, and you’ve just supported me and been nice to me and always let me have exactly what I need. What do I do? I make things worse. I have no boundaries where my family is concerned. I keep bringing in drama. Look at my foot. It still isn’t healed from all the ant bites, and I can’t even complain because it was my own stupid fault for getting all bit up. I’ve been a mess for months. When I take the time to stop and think about it, all I can think is that maybe I’ve been a mess my whole life and was too stupid to see it. That’s probably why I’m OCD about cleaning. Clean the house, and you don’t have to worry about your soul.”
“Cara…”
I tried to push back the panic that I was feeling. I’d figure out where it came from later. “I need more tea. I’m sorry, I know you try, but this isn’t my kind of tea.”
“You didn’t even taste it.”
“Nobody can make my tea the way I like it. Not even Teagan.”
“How do you know if you haven’t tried it?”
“I know that I don’t like to drink gasoline, and I’ve never tried it.” The look on his face made me try the stupid tea. Mental eye roll. I know. “Crap!”
“That bad?”
“Actually, that good. When did this happen?”
“How many cups of tea have I seen you make?”
“I don’t know. Hundreds? Thousands?”
“See, you should marry me. No one else can make your tea.”
“A.J., I really do intend to marry you, just not right now.” I couldn’t look him in the eye. “Is that okay?”
“As long as I know that it will happen — I’m good.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. When you’re ready — or when I can’t wait any more — we’ll do it.”
“So romantic.”
He was instantly exasperated. “You won’t let me do anything romantic!”
“I wasn’t kidding. I meant that it really is romantic.”
“Yeah, being turned down again is really romantic.”
“You weren’t turned down.” Looking him in the eye was no problem now. “I can’t think of anything more romantic than a man that makes a perfect cup of tea and is willing to do all this the way that makes it best for me. For us. You know I love you, right?”
“I do.”
“Remember those words, A.J. I swear, you’ll be saying them before too long.”
Neither one of us got to work on time.
Neither one of us minded at all.
I’d gotten a bunch of stuff done for Adeline. She’s in New York with the girls. She’s finally going to get her kids under control. I swear to God, she should press charges and get their butts thrown in jail.
I didn’t get a vote on that one.
Not that I would say it out loud.
Not too many times, anyway.
With all the stuff they’re doing up there, I am making a lot of arrangements for them from down here. Things like stylists and hair and makeup and cars and moving money around and making sure the financial people are talking to the security people and that everybody is keeping an eye on her grandson Christophe. The next six months or a year are either going to prove him to be what he claims he is or prove that he’s just like his parents.
I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him without Teagan’s help.
I swear Teagan is weird these days. I’d just thought about her, and she called.
“Busy?”
“Nothing that can’t wait. How are things?”
“Things suck.”
“I’m assuming that’s a bad thing.”
“Don’t try to be cute, dingleberry. It doesn’t work for you.”
“Sorry. Can I help?”
“You willing to shoot me and put me out of my misery?”
“Absolutely. That’s what a good sister is for. Can I suggest talking and chocolate first?”
“Sure, if you want to do it the chicken’s way.”
“I have to have a story for the cops. I figure a long conversation with you would put me in the clear.”
“Good point. What about A.J.? He isn’t going to want to listen to me whine.”
“You don’t whine. He won’t be home anyway. Did you see that thing on the news last night? The thing about the robbery gone wrong?”
“Yeah, that could have been really bad.”
“It was bad enough. For two reasons. The first could have been really, really bad. Suzi was in that restaurant. Her car was parked right out in front, and when the news crew showed it, I thought poor A.J. was gonna have a heart attack.”
“Sweet Jesus. Is she okay?”
“She’s fine. A little shook up.”
“What’s number two?”
“Morgan and A.J. have been working so hard to turn Old Town around and make it a really positive place. First the thing at the studio where he gets beat up is on the news and all over the Internet, and now this whole botched robbery thing. All their hard work is falling apart.”
“So tell them to turn it around. Make it into a good thing.”
“I did.”
“Problem solved.”
“Right, Teagan, everything is that simple.”
“Some things are. Can I come over now?”
“What about work?”
“I called in Honey.”
“How often can you do that?”
“I really don’t care. They can fire me, dingleberry. I’ve got bigger problems right now.”
“Have you told Mr. Fisher?”
“No. I’m not telling anyone but you and Mom and Dad.”
“There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of, Teagan. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“We’ll talk about that. I’m on my way. You want anything?”
“Nope, I’m good. You want food or just junk?”
“I’m not hungry. I don’t want anything.”
That’s not good.
Not good at all.
Okay, I know my sister is beautiful. More than once, I’ve been accused of making that statement more than is healthy or necessary, but today, I’m the better-looking sister. It doesn’t happen often, so I feel the need to point it out.
Teagan showed up in sweatpants — it’s much too hot for sweat pants this time of year, we live in Florida for goodness sake — and a huge t-shirt. She wasn’t even wearing a bra. She never leaves the house without a bra. Ever.
Her hair was going seventeen directions, none of them good. No makeup. If I didn’t know what was happening in her personal life, I’d think she was either wearing a Halloween costume or trying out for a new reality show. Not that I’ve seen any of them — I’d rather read a book — but I’ve seen enough of the commercials to know that I would not wander around in the meanest parts of nature in my birthday suit.
“Teagan, can I get you some tea?”
“No, thanks.”
“Some soap?”
“Shut up, dingleberry.”
“I take it things aren’t going as well as I thought. When you called after talking to Mom and Daddy, I thought you sounded pretty good.”
“I felt pretty good. For a minute. Maybe two. But then it all hit me again. I’m not sure if I can do this.”
She followed me to the kitchen. Even if she didn’t want tea, I needed a cup. Or twenty-seven.
“So when did you tell Jessie?”
“Tell him what?”
“That you can’t do this.”
“I didn’t tell him. I’m still thinking.”
“Your life.”
“That means you don’t approve. What?”
“You have to do things the way that works for you.”
“Which means that I’m doing them wrong.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“I’m not going to fight with you, Teagan. This isn’t about me or what I would do. This is about you and what’s right for you.”
“Okay, dingleberry. I don’t like this mature and reasonable Cara. Bring back the normal one and tell me what you really think. I want to let loose on something, and I’m okay with that something being you.”
“Okay, fine. I just think that you are setting yourself — and Jessie — up for failure. Either you can deal with this or you can’t. If you get comfortable in this dark, ugly place because you think that maybe you can’t deal with all of it, then even if you decide you can deal with all of it, you’re always going to be more comfortable with the ugly place. Which means you’re always going to hold some resentment, and it’s gonna leak out all over your relationship, and sometime down the road, you’re going to be very unhappy.”
“Damn, dingleberry. Take a breath. All that’s really easy for you to say.”
“Exactly, but if you’ll remember, I’m quoting a once-beautiful sister.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“You told me I should deal with the memories I have with Bernie and all that. I should do it now. I should get it out of the way. I shouldn’t let it haunt me. Isn’t that what you’re doing?”
“There’s a big difference between some creepy old lady leaving you all kinds of stuff in a trunk and the love of my life betraying me.”
“First, I’m gonna tell Mom you called Bernie creepy.” At least she smiled a little. “Second, you just called Jessie the love of your life. If that’s true, then you need to do whatever you need to do to either be okay with this or to let him go.”
“I know.”
“You want tea?”
“I need something stronger.”
I went to the cupboard. “A double?”
“Please.”
I threw a whole bag at her. Hershey’s Double Chocolate Nuggets. I had to order them online. Bought four pounds. They weren’t even available last time I checked. They aren’t my favorite. I save them for special Teagan problems. I love the fact that I still have almost all of what I purchased because that means she hasn’t had that much trauma in her life.
I’m hoping that the candy has a long shelf life. They’ve been sitting in that cupboard for a while.
The reality is even if I give her food poisoning, she isn’t going to look or feel any worse than she does right now, so we’re good.
“Thanks.” She ripped open the bag.
“What are you going to do?”
“The hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
My heart sank. Dumping Jessie was going to be really hard on her. Really hard.
She looked me in the eye. “I’m going to admit you’re right.”
“Wait. What?”
“I need to decide what I’m going to do and then suck it up and do it. One way or the other. I need to either let it go and truly let it go, or I need to decide that I can’t let it go and need to let Jessie go.”
“Yep.”
“What’s that quote you were always saying a few years ago? The one about letting things go.”
“Oh, well, I used to think it was a quote from Buddha, but I looked it up and it isn’t. It goes something like, ‘In the end, only three things really matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.’”
“Yeah, that one.”
“Does that mean you’re letting go?”
“Definitely.”
“Of Jessie?”
“I’m not sure. Either Jessie or this resentment I’m holding against him. I just feel like I should hang on to it, you know? He betrayed me. He made me look like a fool in front of everyone that ever finds out for the rest of my life. He lied to me. He treated me like I’m an idiot. He did that whole weekend and everything, and the whole time he knew he was keeping this big secret. How do I live with that?”
“Honestly? The same way you live with anything else. You just decide that you aren’t going to let that define you. Or him. Or your relationship. He screwed up.”
“Not funny.”
“Not meant to be. One of the other quotes I used to throw in there all the time is that one that says, ‘The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemy; it always comes from the people you are closest to.’”
“Isn’t that the truth?”
“Maybe the only way to never have to worry about being betrayed is never to allow anyone to get close to you. That doesn’t seem like a good approach.”
“Not everyone I care about is going to betray me, dingleberry.”
“True. So then you have to ask yourself: what about all of this is killing you? Is it pride? Because if he just hurt your pride, then let it go. Is it trust? Because if you feel like he can never be trusted again then let him go. You never told me what Mom and Daddy said. Did it help at all?”
“They basically told me that I’m grown. That only Jessie and I can figure this out. That they will support us as individuals and as a couple, no matter what we decide. They told us if this is something that’s a deal breaker, staying together is just torture for both of us. Dad looked down and shook his head when Jessie told them. He looked… I don’t know. He looked hurt. Not just for me, but like it hurt him too.”
“I thought for sure they would say more than that.”
“They did, but just stuff they have told us all our lives. Nobody is perfect. A baby is always a good thing. Parenting isn’t about bloodlines. The true foundation of any relationship is the ability to forgive and learn, because no matter how hard you try to be perfect, you’re only human and you are going to screw up.”
“All that sounds right.”
“Yeah, but this was a pretty big screw-up!”
“Yes, it was.”
“What would you do?”
“I can’t tell you that. I have no clue.”
“You’re being mature again.”
“Sorry. I can tell you what I think I would do.”
“Okay, close enough.”
“I think that I would sit down and write the story of my life without A.J.”
“What?”
“Not literally, but I would sit down and really, honestly think about the milestones in my life. What they would be like without A.J.? Would my life be better or worse?”
“But how can you do that? What if you break up with A.J., and then a new Mr. Wonderful comes along and sweeps you off your feet, and you have happiness that you never even imagined with A.J.?”
“Is that how you feel about Jessie? Like you could replace him and have a better life with someone else?”
“Maybe.”
“Then you should let him go.”
“Wait. What?”
“You know, A.J. has asked me to marry him. More than once.”
“When are you getting married?”
“I haven’t said yes.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m just not there yet. But I can’t think of any other guy that would be as good with me as A.J. is. I can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t imagine another guy making my life better. If something were to happen to A.J., I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. I’d just be the crazy cat lady.”
“Dingleberry, you don’t like cats.”
“That would be the point.”
“Just because you don’t have a good imagination means you are supposed to stick with a guy the rest of your life? I don’t think I’ll ever be with anyone, then. There’s never going to be a time in my life when I can’t fast forward and put myself in some other reality, dingleberry. That’s just who I am.”
“You asked me what I would do; that’s what I would do. If it doesn’t work for you, then you’re going to have to figure out something else. Unfortunately, I can’t help you with that.”
Teagan stood up.
“Where are you going?”
“To put on the kettle. I’m not leaving until we figure this out.”
Can I just say that there’s not enough chocolate in the world to get Teagan calmed down enough to be reasonable when she is all Teagan-a-fied?
I don’t blame her for being upset.
I really don’t.
But she’s the one that’s always snipping at me to figure out what it is I want and then to go after it and not let anything or anybody get in my way. If she is so in love with Jessie that she had her happily ever after all figured out, doesn’t it make sense that she would be working this through with him, not with me?
She claims that she has to get it straight in her own mind.
In my mind, it’s really kind of simple.
Either one of two things can happen. She decides to marry Jessie, in which case she is going to be an instant stepmom with all the drama and complications that go with that. Or she can decide that she doesn’t want to deal with all that Jessie did or didn’t do — or should or shouldn’t have done — and she can just walk away.
I know that’s easy for me to say, because it isn’t my life, but that’s how I see it.
We’d taken a break, gone to the bakery, and picked up some Sin. We’d had three pots of tea — yes, pots, not cups.
Teagan had eaten my entire stash of chocolate — not counting the secret stash of doubles, let’s not get stupid about this — when she looked me in the eye and said, “Decide.”
“Decide what?”
“You know, dingleberry, I’m not the only one that’s sitting on the edge trying to decide what to do in life. I have to decide about Jessie, but you have to decide about the whole Bernie thing and your lost memories.”
“I don’t have any lost memories.”
“Okay, your blocked memories or hidden memories or whatever has you completely whacked out.”
“You don’t get it.”
“That’s what I just said.”
“It isn’t about the trunk.”
“Dingleberry, I swear to God, one of these days either my head is going to explode, or I’m just going to have to kill you in your sleep. That stupid trunk and your weird pieces of memory has had you so whacked out that you didn’t even help with Mom and Dad’s house when we all went over there. I can’t remember the last time you invited everybody over for dinner. You’ve been acting like someone I don’t even know. You went running off and driving all crazy and wouldn’t talk to any of us, not even me. What the hell do you mean it isn’t about the trunk or your memories?”
“Teagan, if you knew me at all, you would know what it is about.”
“The family.”
“Exactly.”
“What does the trunk have to do with the family?”
“I just told you, it isn’t about the trunk.”
“Dingleberry, you’re going to have to start from the beginning, and you had better not stop until I understand. At this point, I’m not sure if I should call Mom or a mental health professional, and to be honest, I’m not sure either of them can help either of us.”
I took a deep breath. “My whole life is about the family. I’ve spent my whole life putting everything and everyone O’Flynn first. I think back on all the stuff I’ve done, and one day it makes me proud, and the very next day, it makes me feel like an idiot. Did you know that in order for me to be able to afford that party for Troya when she did the school thing, I didn’t pay my credit card bill? For two months. It cost me eighty-five dollars in fees. Why did I do that? Mom and Daddy offered to do the party or to help me pay for it, and I just wouldn’t hear of it. What’s wrong with me?”
“We’ve all been asking ourselves that for years.”
“Funny. I’m serious. Why do I do the whole family thing so hard?”
“I can’t answer that for you, but you have to admit that as over-the-top as it is, it’s you. It just is who you are. Why do you think that’s a problem, all of the sudden?”
“The problem is what if the O’Flynns aren’t what I think they are and I’ve invested my whole life in something that isn’t even real?”
“I don’t even know what that means, Cara. We are real…”
“No. That’s not what I mean. You know that I’m one of those people who really believes what I believe.”
“Lives your beliefs?”
“Exactly. Remember that friend of Daddy’s? The one who used to tell everybody that he was a Chevy man, and then when Daddy asked him how many Chevys he’d owned, he had never owned one. I’m not like that. If I believe something, I believe it with my whole heart and soul, and I live it twenty-four seven. I believe in the O’Flynns.”
“I get that.”
“I believe that the single most important thing to any O’Flynn is children.”
“I get that, too.”
“So if the single most important thing to an O’Flynn is children, and I’ve built my entire life around the O’Flynns, and the foundation of me, the core of me, who I am and what I believe twenty-four seven is all about children and their well-being, and my own parents allowed me to be in the middle of all the craziness that was Bernie and her stuff, what does that say about the foundation of me? About every single thing I believe? About every single thing I live? About every freaking breath I’ve taken my entire life?”
“Don’t you think that’s a little dramatic, Cara?”
“No! You want to know why?”
“Can’t wait.”
“Because I’m not like you, Teagan. Name one thing, one thing in your life that you live for. That you would die for. That you would literally lay down your life, happily, in trade for. Name one.”
Teagan wracked her brain for just a moment, but just that moment proved my point.
“Exactly! You can’t think of anything.”
“You really didn’t give me a chance.”
“That’s the whole thing, Teagan. I don’t need any time. I don’t need to think about it. I would trade my life for yours. Without thought. Not in theory, in reality. I know damn well you wouldn’t do the same for me, and I’m okay with that. Because you aren’t me, and it isn’t a contest. You would help me in any way that was reasonable, and in an emergency, you might throw yourself between me and danger without giving it any thought at all. But the reality is, if you had time to consider the options, you probably wouldn’t volunteer.”
“You’re doing that thing where you create a thing that would never happen to prove your point.”
“No, I’m just telling you what it’s like to live in my head.”
“God help you.”
“I’m serious. The reason I had my meltdown —”
“Meltdowns, Cara. You’ve had several lately, and I gotta tell you, they haven’t made any sense at all.”
“Fine, meltdowns. The reason I’ve had my meltdowns — and still haven’t recovered, if the truth be told — is because of Bernie’s trunk. Plus all her friends and all that stuff, it all showed me that my foundation is not only cracked, it doesn’t exist.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is. And if my foundation doesn’t exist — the thing I’ve lived my whole life for — then that kind of negates, well, me.”
“And they say I’m the family drama queen.”
“You aren’t listening to me, Teagan. I’m not being dramatic. I’m saying that I’ve lived my whole life consistently believing one thing, and now I find out it might not even be close to true. How would you feel if Mom and Daddy walked in right now and told you that you weren’t really theirs, that there had been a mix-up at the hospital?”
“I’d say, ‘That explains a lot.’”
“I’m not kidding, Teagan.”
“Neither am I. Cara, it wouldn’t have a lot to do with my life. My life is what it is. It wouldn’t matter if I were blood-related or not. It wouldn’t change anything. We’re a family because we choose to be. No matter what. Ugly and all. A relationship isn’t magic, Cara. It’s all the little choices you make. It’s what you build together. It’s all about holding on when everybody else lets go.”
It took her a second to add two and two and get twenty-seven. That’s how my brain works automatically. She had to let the thoughts grow.
I smiled at her.
“You little shit. Was all this about me and Jessie? Getting me to say all that stuff about building a life together and holding on through the ugly?”
“No, but when I saw you headed for the cliff, I decided to let you fall off.”
“You’ll throw me in front of a bus, but you’re the one that would lay down your life for me?”
“True. It’s a sister thing.
She got very serious all of a sudden. “You know I’d do that, right?”
“Do what?”
“Give my life for yours. And it isn’t a theory. I had plenty of time to think about it when Barry beat the crap out of you. I would have done it in a heartbeat. I am here to tell you, even if you think that all of us O’Flynns don’t meet the standard of what you once thought an O’Flynn should be, there isn’t anything that any one of us wouldn’t have done to make sure that you were okay. Even the married-ins.”
“I know.”
“No, you obviously don’t. I don’t know what has you so weirded out about the whole family thing, but you need to give that some serious thought before you go any further down the marriage path with A.J. Family is everything to you, Cara. It always has been, and it always will be. I’m not sure what’s going on in your brain, but for you to doubt us, that scares me. A lot.”
“It isn’t that I doubt you.”
“You don’t need to explain it to me, Cara. You need to understand it for yourself. Just because the O’Flynns aren’t perfect, doesn’t mean that we aren’t the perfect family for you. You aren’t so perfect yourself sometimes, you know.”
“I know.”
“I can’t believe you set me up like that. Now I need to waddle out of here and go talk to Jessie. Cara, never, ever feed me that much chocolate again.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to sit his butt down, and we’re going to figure this out. I love him. He’s my family. If I can put up with you, him and his baby and his crazy baby momma shouldn’t be all that difficult.”
“Are you sure?”
“We have some work to do, but I think we can do it.”
“There’s no doubt in my mind that you can do it, Teagan. The question is if you want to. Can you let go of it? Can you let the past be the past? Have you decided to trust him again?”
“It will take some time.”
“I know that. I’m not asking if you’re there yet; I’m asking if you have decided to put your mind to it.”
“I think so.”
“Then your relationship will fail.”
“Thanks for the positive input.”
“I am positive. You know that relationships are hard. Really hard. Mom and Daddy have the best relationship I’ve ever even heard of, and what have they told us since we were little kids? They have told us that if you want a relationship to work, you have to make it work. It’s that simple. There’s no magic. There’s no secret formula. You make every decision based on making the relationship work. If you’re in a place where you’ll try — you know how much Mom hates that word — you’ve already given yourself permission to fail, so sooner or later, you will.”
“Wow. You’re all over the place. A couple of minutes ago, you thought the whole O’Flynn thing was an overrated piece of imagination. Now you are quoting the mighty one.”
“I’m going to tell Mom you called her the mighty one.”
“I’m going to tell her you called her, her. You know that drives Mom crazy.”
“All I’m saying is that if you aren’t one hundred percent committed to the fact — not the feeling, not the thought, not the wish — that you and Jessie will make it through this, then don’t bother. Wait until you have gotten there. We are not into the whole disposable relationship thing. You know that’s a family mantra. If you’re going to commit, commit.”
“I hate your wording, and I hate being preached to, but you’re right.”
“That was always a given.”
“The old Cara is back. Gone are the days of maturity and wise support.”
“The old Teagan never left. Still the wiseass…”
“Shut up. But you’re right. I need to either do this or not do it. And I need to decide in a reasonable period of time.”
“Yep.”
“Although, torturing Jessie is not all bad.”
“Don’t you think making him go over to Mom and Daddy’s was punishment enough?”
“Actually, they were worthless. They were nice and understanding and supportive. Mom gave him the look a couple of times. Dad shook his head a couple of times, but other than that, nothing but candy and flowers.”
“Having parents who understand that an adult child’s life is their own to live sucks.”
“It really does.”