“I TOLD YOU, Teagan, I’m not saying anything until Jessie gets here. It’s not my fault you called him and told him I spent time with Joy. It’s not my fault he wants to hear all about it from me, not thirdhand from you. I’m not going to repeat everything twice. You said he would be here in thirty-ish minutes. Eat your chocolate and relax.”
Teagan did her very best pout. “I’m your sister.”
“This isn’t about you. It’s about Joynessa.”
“Please do not call her that.”
“It’s her name. It’s disrespectful to her to call her anything else, at least until we know her well enough to pick the perfect nickname. And why are you being so petty all of the sudden? It isn’t really like you, Teagan.”
“Fine. Be mature about it. I’m really hating this new Cara, you know. The old one was much more fun. We could sit at the table and eat chocolate and figure out a way to put a hex on that woman and be done with it.”
“In the old days, we didn’t have a baby to worry about.”
“See? Mature. I hate that.” She gave me a little smile. “Is A.J. going to be here to hear all the gory details of my private life?”
“No. I’ll tell him all about it later. He’s in Old Town working. He has meetings with a couple of the businesses. He also has a shoot to do tonight. Five generations.”
“That’s nice.”
“On both sides.”
“Does that even happen? How does that work? Do all the brothers and sisters just inbreed?”
“No, idiot. They’re just one big huge loving family that’s all getting together for one big huge shoot. They’ll take all the traditional shots. But I’m sure A.J. has something special planned. He had to go over to Daddy’s and borrow the tall ladder so he could get high enough to fit all the people into at least one group shot.”
“I can’t wait to see it. Wouldn’t it be nice to have that for the O’Flynns?”
“We better start popping out more kids soon, or Mom and Daddy better live to be really, really old.”
“We’ll hope for the latter.”
There was a quiet knock on the door, and Teagan just about killed herself to get to it first.
I hadn’t seen Jessie in a while. Not since all of this blew up. Well, I hadn’t seen him standing in good light.
He looked terrible.
He was thinner.
He was kind of gray around the edges.
He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
When Teagan went to greet him, there was something missing.
They weren’t acting like Teagan and Jessie.
Something between them had died.
It was sad to see.
I wondered if they were going to be able to make it.
By the time we were all sitting at the table with a pot of tea, the tension was enough to make a knot in my stomach.
“I don’t know how I got in the middle of this, but I just want to make sure you guys understand that I’m not going to be the bad guy here. I’m not going to be the one that you guys get mad at and then blame whenever everything gets hard. If you don’t commit to that right now, then I’m done before I ever start.”
“We wouldn’t do that.” Teagan sounded annoyed already.
“Yeah, that’s really easy to say, but that’s the way it works out. Teagan, you’ve been bitching at me for twenty minutes. And I’m sorry, but what I have to say isn’t one hundred percent all about Jessie, so that’s gonna make you guys mad, too.”
“So you’re on her side now?” Teagan couldn’t help herself.
“See? I haven’t said anything yet and look what you’re doing.”
“Maybe if you would say something, I wouldn’t jump to the wrong conclusion. Cara, you have been my sister all my life. I’m not going to turn on you over this or anything else.”
“We’ll see.”
I spent most of the next hour telling them what Joy had told me. What it all came down to was relatively simple. She’d started dating Jessie with high hopes that they would have a great relationship. They seemed to. She was happy. She thought he was happy, too. They were doing fine. Spending most of their time together. As far as she was concerned, they were well on their way to happily ever after. Joy claimed that she was completely blindsided when Jessie told her that he was seeing Teagan, that he’d been in love with her since he was a child, and that he didn’t want to be with Joy anymore.
She admitted that she had played games with guys in the past, so she understood why Jessie didn’t believe she was pregnant at first. That was why she went away. While O’Flynns run to O’Flynn central — Mom and Daddy’s house — she had nobody to run to, so she just ran away. She admitted that was stupid and wrong. She said that when it was obvious that she was pregnant, she came back to talk to Jessie again. He just laughed at her and said it probably wasn’t even his baby. She was devastated. She left again.
“She claims that she’s just a scared woman trying to do the right thing for a baby she didn’t expect to be expecting, and that Jessie is turning everything she does into something he can use against her and make it look like she’s a crazy person and he’s a victim.”
Teagan was incredulous. She hissed at me. For a split second there, I thought she was gonna hit me. “And you bought that? Are you crazy or just stupid?”
“You don’t get to talk to me that way, Teagan.”
“All I meant was that I can’t believe that you believe what she said.”
“It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it, and that isn’t all you said. And, yes, I bought some of it. Whenever there are two stories, the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle.”
She actually hissed at me again. Even after I called her on it just a second ago. “So you think Jessie is a liar?”
Jessie reached out and put his hand on Teagan’s arm. “It’s okay.”
I hate moments like that. When the truth is blazing in front of you, but if you point it out, you’re the jerk. What I wanted to say was: Hello? What do you think he has been doing all these months with you?
What I actually said was, “I thought we agreed I wasn’t the bad guy here.”
“I’m not saying you’re the bad guy.” Teagan sounded defensive and aggressive at the same time. She’s talented like that.
“Teagan, all I’m saying is that even if they’re both telling the absolute truth as they see it, being that they have two very different vantage points, they’re going to have a different story.”
“Bull. I don’t need all that enlightened crap. If she said that Jessie pretty much abandoned her because he met me — not met me, but you know what I mean — then that’s a load. Right?” She turned to Jessie for confirmation.
She saw it in his eyes.
He couldn’t deny it.
“You told me that you guys had already broken up when I sent you that message on Facebook. You told me it was already over.”
“No, I didn’t. I told you that when you messaged me on Facebook, I thought you were probably already married with a couple of kids. I never thought you and I would end up together again.”
“So were you still dating her or not?”
“When I got the initial message, I hadn’t broken up with her yet, but things were already headed in that direction. Before I ever met with you the first time, we were done.”
“But that was, like, minutes. Between the time I messaged you and the time we got together.”
“You know what I mean.”
“No! I don’t. Explain it to me. Were you sleeping with her while you were going out with me? You know that there was almost no time between that first contact and us taking off together. We pretty much took up where we left off. You know…”
I got up from the table. This is the type of discussion that a sister doesn’t need to be in the room for. Not as a witness. Certainly not as a participant.
Twenty minutes later, Teagan knocked quietly on Suzi’s door and gave me the all clear.
“Teagan, are you alright?”
“Not really.”
“You want to stay with me tonight?”
“Not really.”
“Anything I can do?”
“Not really.”
“What happens now?”
“I have no idea. Thanks for tracking down Joy.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I’m assuming you and she are going to stay in contact.”
“Probably.”
“Thanks for that, too. I’m not sure what to do, but whatever I do, I want to make sure that if Joynessa needs anything, somebody is there. You’re good at that stuff.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“You want me to drive you home?”
“No, I’m okay.”
With that, she was gone.
She was beyond sad.
I can handle my sister when she’s just about anything but sad. She doesn’t do sad very often, and when she does, it about kills me.
A.J. made it home on time. I got a lot of work done for Adeline. Suzi had dropped Evelyn over to visit while she did some research for A.J. for a shoot that’s coming up. The family wanted it to be very steampunk. Suzi volunteered to create a whole set so they could use it for other shoots.
We ate dinner with Evelyn in the baby swing that Suzi had lugged over. I thought it unnecessary at the time, but it was nice to be able to use two hands while eating.
I caught the phone on the third ring.
“I’m good.” It was a pronouncement. She didn’t even say hello. I know Teagan; that’s not good. She never pronounces that she’s one hundred percent anything unless she isn’t. I’m not sure she knows that.
“Teagan, I’m glad you’re good, but any healing that takes place in a couple of hours is probably pretty transient. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Remember that curse Mom used to spout out when she was mad at somebody?”
“Which one? She knows hundreds.”
“The one about Molly Malone.”
“It’s Mary Malone. ‘May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can’t find you with a telescope,’ or something like that.”
“That’s it. I was thinking about that one, I won’t mention who I had in mind, when the other thing Mom used to say all the time came into my mind.”
“Okay, Teagan, you’re gonna have to give me more words. Mom used to say all kinds of strange and wonderful things. Still does.”
“Remember when we used to get mad at each other? She’d do two things.”
“Yep. First, she would make us hold hands. At the time, I thought maybe she was trying to make us like each other again, but now that I’m older and wiser, I think she figured if we only had one hand to punch with, and we were in really close proximity, we couldn’t do as much damage to each other.”
“Probably. Remember what she’d say? That poem-y thing about when life goes wrong.”
“Oh. Yeah. I remember. She used to say, ‘It is easy to be pleasant when life flows by like a song, but the man worthwhile is the one who will smile when everything goes dead wrong. For the test of the heart is trouble, and it always comes with years, and the smile that is worth the praises of earth is the smile that shines through the tears.’ I always thought that must be part of some song she learned as a kid or something.”
“Focus, dingleberry. I’ve decided that all of this stuff with Jessie, at least me being all upset about it, is more about me than it is about Jessie. It’s because my pride was hurt. My feelings hurt. But the fact is that he was involved with Joy before I got back together with him.”
I didn’t point out that there was a very real possibility that the two events overlapped.
“Them sharing parenting doesn’t have to mean that he and I can’t share a life.”
I didn’t point out the myriad of problems with that one, either. Teagan knows that once you have a child with someone, they’re a part of your life for the rest of your life. If you do it all right, it’s difficult. If you don’t do it right, it’s next to impossible. You have no control over whether or not the other person chooses — every single time — to do it right.
How in the world did I get to be this age, and my family with so many people in it, to not have to deal with this stuff before? We are total newbs when it comes to this stuff. Even with the very best of intentions, we’re gonna screw this up like we’ve never screwed up anything before.
Teagan interrupted my thought. “Right?”
“What?”
“You’re the one that said I have to decide what I’m going to do, and then I have to do it.”
“Since when do you listen to me?”
“Good point. This isn’t about you. This is about me. I’ve decided that I’m going to do this. I’m going to move forward with Jessie. I’m going to make this work. I can be a part-time stepparent. I’m good with kids. We will have Joynessa — dear God, we need to do something about that name — every other weekend or whatever. That won’t be so bad.”
“Did you just hear yourself?”
“What?”
“That won’t be so bad? You’re talking about a baby.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I do, and that’s what’s scaring me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re the one who told me to decide.”
“Okay, I didn’t tell you what to do, Teagan. I gave you my opinion. Why are you moving so fast?”
“You’re the one who told me that I have to make a decision, and then I have to stick to it. I have to make all other decisions based on that big decision. I need to let everything else go. I’m not saying it right, but you know what I mean. You’re the one that told me.”
“Teagan, you haven’t even met the baby yet. Or Joy, for that matter.”
“So?”
“You’ll be dealing with them for the rest of your life. Don’t you think it’s important to try to build some kind of relationship with them before you go running down the path like a chicken with your head cut off?”
“So you think I made the wrong decision?”
“I didn’t say that.” My frustration was starting to build, but I was trying hard not to let it show. Too much.
“Then what the hell are you saying, Cara?”
“Okay, you know what? This is not a conversation to have over the phone. You want to come over?”
“No, I have things to do. Besides, this isn’t your decision, it’s mine. It’s my life. I’ve thought about it, and this is what I’m doing. You said you would support me in anything I decided. Start supporting.”
“What exactly does that mean?”
“You want to be my maid of honor?”
“Of course I do.”
“Good.”
“When do we start planning?” I need to sit down and talk some sense into Teagan, and if I have to do it under the auspice of planning her wedding, I’m good with that.
“There isn’t going to be a whole lot to plan. I’m getting married at our new house. In the backyard. On Saturday. We can celebrate at the dinner Mom has planned on Sunday.”
They say the first words out of your mouth at a time like this will be remembered forever, so choose wisely. “Okay.”
“Okay? That’s all you have to say? You don’t sound very excited about my wedding, Cara.”
“I’m stunned. You have been planning a wedding since you were twelve. You were gonna do the whole big deal. I’m just a little surprised that you are doing something so quick.”
“The wedding doesn’t matter; it’s the marriage that’s important. I’m not twelve anymore.”
“What’s going on, Teagan? Why the rush? This isn’t like you. It’s almost like you’re in panic mode.”
She hung up.
Teagan hung up on me!
What the hell?
I couldn’t believe it.
We weren’t even fighting or anything.
I was being mature and everything.
A.J. saw the look on my face and correctly assumed I’d been talking to Teagan. “What’s up with Teagan?”
“She’s lost her mind.”
“If anybody deserves it right now, it’s probably her.”
“True. She’s decided to go ahead with the wedding.”
“I’m happy for them.”
“On Saturday.”
“What?”
“Yep, in their backyard or whatever. I’m officially her maid of honor.”
“Congratulations.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m worried.”
“They’ll figure it out.”
“I feel like I should go over there and talk to her.”
“And say what?”
“I thought I’d start with something kind and gentle, something like: ‘Teagan, you’re being a complete idiot.’”
“I’m sure she will find that really comforting. Cara, you have to let people be who they are. You can’t fix this for your sister.”
“I know that.”
“Do you?”
“I’m trying to.”
“She’ll work it out. She’s a really smart woman. She has a great family backing her. She’s just spinning a little bit right now. Give her some time.”
“Evidently, we only have until Saturday.”
“A couple of hours ago, things were completely different. Give it at least until morning.”
“You’re right.” There was a time not all that long ago I would have grabbed my keys and headed out the door to have a little sisterly showdown with Teagan. Instead, I decided to give Evelyn a bath. The sad part was, I wasn’t sure leaving Teagan alone was the right thing to do.
“Your sister knows that you are there for her twenty-four seven. If she needs you, she’ll call.”
“God, I hope so. She doesn’t seem like she’s doing any of this for any of the right reasons. It scares me. I don’t want her to get any more hurt than she already is.”
“You go give the baby a bath. I’m gonna clean up the kitchen. You want some M&Ms in milk?”
“Actually, I have some Oreos and some really good vanilla ice cream.” I smiled. I know it’s dumb, but I love my mini ice cream sandwiches with the added bonus of the white stuff in the middle of Oreos, frozen. All you have to do is screw off the chocolate cookie from one side — doing a bunch at once is a good thing — and then take all the sides with no white stuff and smoosh some ice cream on them and eat them like a regular ice cream sandwich. The side with the white stuff, I always save that for last. I put a hunk of ice cream on there, wait for a second while the ice cream freezes the white stuff, and then eat. Usually in two bites. It takes some practice to get the ratio of cookie and white stuff to ice cream just right, but once you’ve got it down, oh my goodness. With a cup of hot tea. Life just doesn’t get any better than that few minutes. Guaranteed.
Just thinking about it made me feel better.
A.J. asked, “I know Suzi is doing some work for me, but why are we giving Evelyn a bath? Won’t she just pass out?”
“Suzi likes to keep her on a schedule. I told her if she wasn’t back at bath time, we’d just give her a bath. I also told her that if Todd called, she should go ahead and go out for coffee with him. If that happens, Evelyn will be all settled in.”
A.J. sounded annoyed. “She’d call first, ya know.”
“Of course she would. What’s up with you?”
“I’m not sure I like her dating again so soon.”
“You don’t get a vote. Besides, she’s moving really slowly. She isn’t going to pull a Teagan.”
“Don’t let her hear you say that.”
“Which her?”
“Either her.”
Evelyn was sound asleep in her swing. I’m not sure I think that’s a great idea. I’m not a mom, but I think a sleeping child should be sleeping in their bed.
When I told my mother that, she laughed at me.
A lot.
I was just about to step into the shower when Teagan arrived. She pounded on the door and allotted a whopping three seconds to get decent before she joined me in the bathroom. Maybe even in the shower. She seemed to be in a mood.
I grabbed a robe and headed for the kitchen to put on the kettle.
A.J. took one look at Teagan’s face and said, “I’m out. I’m gonna walk down to the corner and have a beer. You need anything while I’m out?”
I mouthed ‘take me with you,’ but he left with only his house key and a smile on his face.
I’m beginning to think the man takes pleasure in these things.
Once we were at the table, Teagan looked me right in my eye and spouted, “Okay, dingleberry. Talk.”
“What?”
“You seem to have an opinion on how I should live my life. Speak.”
“Teagan, I’m not a dog, nickname not withstanding. You’re right. This is not my business. I should keep my opinions to myself.”
“No, you don’t get to back down just because I’m within punching range.”
“You plan on punching me?”
“One never admits to that type of plan. They’ll get you for premeditation.”
At least she smiled.
That was a step in the right direction.
“Okay, you swear you aren’t going to get mad?”
“No.”
“Oh, we’re doing the whole honesty thing. Okay, I’ll tell you what I think, and you can get mad if you want to, but you need to remember that I said I’d shut up and you’re the one that pushed it.”
“Noted.”
“I think that you are going full steam ahead on fear and adrenaline, and I think that it’s a mistake. If you and Jessie want to move forward, I think you should do it a little bit more slowly. I think the two of you need to sit down and go through all of this. Talk it out.”
“We’ve done nothing but talk it out.”
“There’s no way that you guys have even gotten used to the idea yet. You’re both in shock. You’re both hurt. You’re both confused. You’re both a little bit desperate. That’s not a good place to be when you are making an important life decision.”
“You’re right, but I love Jessie. I intend to marry him. Why wait? Are you hoping I’ll change my mind?”
“No! I’m trying to think of a good analogy, and I can’t. In my mind, this is kind of like, I don’t know, it’s kind of like five inch heels.”
“Cara, you’re going to have to do better than that.”
“You love your high heels.”
“Yep.”
“You wear them all the time. You like the way they look. You like the way they feel. You love everything about them.”
“Yep.”
“You’re probably the only woman in the entire world that never complains about pain when wearing those stupid things.”
“They’re not stupid.”
“Exactly my point. Think of Jessie as a beautiful pair of bright red five inch heels.”
“More words, Cara.”
“You love him. You love the way he looks. You love the way he feels. It’s all good.”
“Okay.”
“One day you’re wearing them, and there’s a little rock on the sidewalk — a rock named Joy — and you roll your ankle.”
“Not a great analogy, but continue.”
“Your ankle hurts. You aren’t sure if it’s sprained or broken. It’s blowin’ up. You aren’t sure if you can walk on it. If you should walk on it. Don’t you think that you should test the ankle a bit before you slap your five inch heels on and go parading around? Don’t you think you should check to see if your ankle is broken? If you need a doctor? If you can wear five inch heels again? Are you sure you want to go rushing right back to them, or maybe you should wait a little while to make sure your ankle is strong enough to bear the weight. The weight of an ex-girlfriend that might or might not be crazy. A baby. A life that’s completely different than any life you have ever even thought about.”
“I hate you.”
“Because you think I’m right?”
“No, dingleberry, because you are right. When did this happen? When did you become the smarter, more reasonable sister? That doesn’t fit us at all, Cara. I’m the smart sister. You know that. You are the one that does stupid stuff, like believe that you’re gonna win the lottery.”
“I am going to win the lottery.”
“And write eulogies for a living.”
“You can make fun of that all you want, but taking that time off to reset my brain is what I needed at the time. I never thought that I was going to be a eulogy entrepreneur. I thought I could pay a few bills until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. If I hadn’t slowed down to do that, I never would have met Adeline, and I wouldn’t have the job I have now, which I love. It all worked out. It always does.”
“Maybe for you.”
“Just because things don’t work the way you want them to, doesn’t mean that they don’t work the way that they’re supposed to, Teagan.”
“I know. So maybe Jessie and I just aren’t meant to be.”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“I know.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to go home. I’m going to take a shower and wash my hair. I’m going to do my nails. I’m going to do my eyebrows. I may even add in a few lash extensions. I’ve cried so much in the last few days my eyelashes look terrible. I’m gonna pamper myself like I haven’t done in weeks and weeks. Then I’m gonna take a sleep aid, and I’m going to sleep until I wake up. No alarm clock. I’m gonna turn my phone off and everything.”
“Let Mom know.”
“I will. I know she’s worried. She keeps calling me to ask me things that she already knows the answer to, just so she can judge from my voice if I’m okay.”
“She loves you. I do too, you know.”
“I know.”
“You can stay here. Pamper yourself with all the gunk you’ve given me over the years that just kind of sits there.”
“You let it just sit there? What about the cream? That last one? Please tell me you’re actually using it.”
“I checked online. They said to put it in the fridge. I’ll either use it, or A.J. will eat it.”
“It’s way too expensive for A.J. to eat.”
“You want it?”
“I have my own. I’m going home. Thanks, Cara.”
“You’re welcome. Actually, thank you. If you hadn’t come over here, I wouldn’t have gotten any sleep at all. I was worried. You don’t normally hang up on me and everything. I feel better now.”
“Me, too.”
Suzi enjoyed her coffee date with Todd. They weren’t gone long, but she was all smiles when she came to pick up Evelyn.
A.J. texted that he was going to be at the bar for a while. He ran into somebody that he knew.
I took a long bath. Lots of smelly good stuff. Deep conditioned my hair, then washed it so that it wouldn’t be flat to my head.
Took a page out of Teagan’s book and did the whole pampering thing. My version anyway. My version is a little more fast track than Teagan’s, but it leaves me with polish in the right places and everything important shaved or waxed or buffed.
When A.J. came walking in the door, I was wearing evening wear: a long, sheer gown in baby pink with a matching robe that’s actually more like a big scarf with two holes for your arms. It’s gorgeous.
I had tightlined my eyes, my new obsession, and put on a little BB cream and lip balm and, of course, his favorite perfume.
His smile was infectious.
“I gotta shower. I’ll be back in four minutes. Don’t go anywhere.”
“What would I do looking like this?”
“I’ve got a couple of new ideas.”
While I tried to figure out exactly what that meant and just how much A.J. had had to drink, he took a quick shower and came back smelling wonderful with a smile on his face and a towel hanging low on his hips.
What’s with me and my heightened sense of smell lately? It’s like I notice when I didn’t really pay attention before.
Things were definitely looking better than they had just a few hours ago.