“THE HOUSE LOOKS great, Cara.” Teagan had just gotten to Mom and Daddy’s house. The rest were supposed to join us at about eight.
“Thanks.”
“Where in the world did you find all these sleeping bags?”
“I rented them.”
“Um, ew. Cara, how do you know who has done what in these?”
“They’re all cleaned. No different than sleeping in a hotel bed.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“I knew you and Valerie wouldn’t want to use a used anything, so I actually got these stupid things that are like germaphobe cocoons. I saw them in that airplane catalog thing and thought of you as soon as Mom said ‘slumber party.’ Anyway, you wrap yourself in your own little cocoon, and you don’t have to worry about germs.”
“Good. I like that. What else have we got? I brought everything you asked for.”
“I got the movies, the food, the drinks, and the games.”
“What games?”
“Pictionary, the apple one, dominos, cards, and the truth or dare one.”
Teagan had the most evil grin on her face. “This could get dangerous.”
“Remember, we are the family champions.”
“The day you got the word ‘ecstasy’ when all I did was draw a half a bed and say woo-hoo? I thought that Seamus’s head was going to explode.”
“What did Jessie say when you told him we were having a slumber party?”
“He laughed and said it was a great idea. Asked if he could get the rest of the guys together to crash it.”
“What did you say?”
In her best eighth grade voice, she said, “I said my dad would call the police, and they would tell his parents what he was up to.”
I laughed. “Remember when all the guys came over to the house when you were having that slumber party in eighth grade? And what’s-her-name’s brother was dropping her off when the cops showed up because Billy what’s-his-name had thrown a bunch of fire crackers in Mrs. Ladner’s yard thinking that it was our house, and she thought that someone was shooting at her dog?”
“That wasn’t funny. Her mom gave me the evil eye for two years.”
“Daddy did drive over and explain.”
“Yeah. Not sure how much good it really did.”
We spent about a half an hour hanging crepe paper around the family room. Pink and purple. We pushed the dining room table up against the wall and loaded it down with all kinds of junk food, plus some healthy stuff with a sign over it that said “for the preggos.”
We dumped bags of ice in the sink and put in all different kinds of soda. Set the freezer to stupid cold and made sure the ice cream would be hard as a rock.
We made a stack of games and made sure to have extra paper and pens just in case. Teagan brought one of the big white boards on an easel from the office for the Pictionary tourney.
We ordered pizza and sandwiches and arranged for them to be delivered in three hours.
I know it’s really stupid, but I was as excited as I used to get when we were kids and we were hosting a slumber party.
It was nice of Mom to suggest it and even nicer that she let us use her house. Teagan and I both knew that she did it on purpose, knowing that the familiar surroundings would help us feel like kids again.
There was nothing better than an O’Flynn slumber party.
Ever.
Everyone arrived a little early. We decided we would change into pajamas right away and set the tone. Plus, you’re much less likely to answer a business call when you’re with your sisters and you’re wearing your slumber party regalia. I can’t believe that Valerie — the proper corporate mogul type person that we all know and love — was the one to go all-out slumber party. She came walking back into the family room in footie pajamas in bright reggae colors with a huge marijuana leaf emblazoned across her chest.
She got the desired response.
The laughter was contagious and welcomed.
“Where did you find those?” Teagan asked between fits of laughter.
“My chest of drawers.” Valerie did a very Paris-runway type turn so we could get the full effect. “I’m shocked I could get them over my butt and that this ever growing belly didn’t pop the zipper.”
“Your drawer? You’re kidding.”
“Nope. You guys didn’t know me in high school. I was all about gettin’ blazed.”
Teagan gaped. “I can’t believe it. You? Does Seamus know?”
“No comment.”
“Oh my God. He not only knew, he was partaking?”
“No comment.”
“Oh, tell me, please. He still partakes, doesn’t he?”
“No comment.”
“Oh. My. God!” Teagan screeched.
You would think finding out that the two most conservative people in our family — no, in the world, perhaps the universe — smoked weed would have been the high point of the evening. No pun intended, although it did work out well. But things just got better and better and better.
At one point, Sinead confessed that she had always wanted to marry Howard. That they had already been talking about marriage before she got pregnant. Troya was in shock. Her tiny little baby sister, still technically a child in her eyes, had been talking about marriage. We all got the impression that the baby, although unexpected at that moment, wasn’t an accident. Well, maybe the baby was an accident, but not a mistake. You know what I mean.
In the spirit of confessions, Maeve decided to tell us all about the night that she and her very best friend, Kevin, decided that it would be a good idea to test Maeve’s sexual orientation. Kevin was a little drunk — okay, a lot drunk — as was Maeve, so they decided that a night of passion with Kevin would be the delineating circumstance that either proved Maeve to be a lesbian or “turned” her.
It’s amazing what drunk people think is a good idea.
As she described it, she discovered to her horror, “There are parts of a guy that move all on their own. It freaked me the hell out. I knew I was a lesbian before that, but damn.”
Sinead sniffed. “It fascinates me that society has this weird thing where they almost expect a gay person to have sex with the opposite sex to ‘prove’ they’re gay, but a straight person is never expected to have sex with a same-sex partner to prove they’re straight.”
Maeve gave her a hug, and the subject changed. It continued to change every two minutes for hours and hours.
It must have been about three in the morning when Teagan said, “I need to talk to you guys.” The tone in her voice changed the room immediately. We went from stories of teen angst and reminiscing about teen pranks to grown women wanting to help a loved one.
I love that about us.
Women can turn on a dime when support is needed.
Teagan explained all about Joynessa and Jessie and the problems that all of that brought to bear.
I had the luxury of sitting back and watching everyone, since I already knew all about it.
I have to say that my family impresses me. Everyone listened intently. Nobody interrupted, but there were enough questions at appropriate times to show love and support.
At the end of it, after much discussion, it was determined that whatever Teagan wished to do was the right thing to do. She had everybody’s support. Morgan pointed out that Jordan had been accepted into the family seamlessly, and she was sure that Joynessa would be as well. She also explained what it felt like to have the “other parent” be a little bit more than insane and how difficult it was to deal with, but that she and Liam had decided from the onset that they would be a united front, and to Liam’s credit, he had been. That extraordinary communication and maturity were key.
I never thought I would hear the words “Liam” and “extraordinary communication” in the same sentence, never mind the word “maturity” in there, too. My world really is changing.
It was Sinead that seemed to be watching the whole thing unfold with interest. You could see the insight dancing across her face.
Teagan didn’t seem to notice.
I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut. “Sinead, what do you think?”
She laughed. “Nobody cares what I think. I’m the baby, remember?”
Teagan smiled. “The baby is having a baby. You grew up when we weren’t paying attention. I’d like to know what you think, Sinead.”
“Just remember, you asked.”
There was a mass deep breath taken. Sinead can be blunt. In a family like ours, where everybody is blunt, thinking that one of us is overly blunt will tell you just how blunt she really is.
“I think it’s pretty simple. You have one decision to make.”
That took everybody by surprise. Simple? Really? One decision? It seemed like a million decisions.
Teagan leaned in. “What decision?”
“Is Jessie an honorable guy that did a douche-y thing, or is he a douche-y guy that has passed himself off as an honorable one? For me, it’s that simple. If he is a great guy and he lied to you because he was scared to lose you, that’s one thing. If he is a liar, that’s a different thing. Teagan, this isn’t nineteen fifty-two, and you aren’t Cara.”
I was going to jump in and protect my honor, but I wanted to see where this was going to go.
“That seems a little simplistic.” It was Troya that commented.
Sinead turned toward her. “It is simple. Life’s simple. Isn’t that what Mom always told us? I think she’s right.”
“That’s easy to say and hard to live by,” Valerie chimed in.
“I said it was simple. I didn’t say it was easy.”
A chuckle skittered around the room.
Teagan took a deep breath and then responded. “Okay, let’s say I go with your approach. I have to decide if Jessie is a douche-y guy or if he just made a douche-y decision. I’m going with made a douche-y decision.”
Sinead looked offended. “This isn’t a game, Teagan. Do you really think that, or are you just farting around? Because if that’s what you’re doing, I don’t want to play. I know I’m the youngest, but I’ve spent my whole life being patronized, and I’m tired of it.”
Teagan’s eyes got huge. “Whoa, hold on. I’m not patronizing you. I think what you’re saying may have some merit, and I wanted to explore it from both sides.”
“That’s the whole thing, Teagan. If you can explore it from the side that Jessie is a douche, then we don’t need to talk about it anymore because the man you love is a douche and you should just walk away.”
“Now you sound like Cara. Just because I can look at both sides, doesn’t mean anything.”
“That’s where we disagree. If I could imagine anyone else as my partner, I’d walk away from Howard and let him find a woman that was worthy of all that he does for me.”
Teagan’s turn to be offended. “That’s just a romanticized…”
Valerie started shaking her head. “I think that Sinead’s right. I can’t imagine a life without your brother as my husband. I don’t even want to try.”
“Just because you guys…”
Sinead interrupted Teagan again. “You know what it means to me? It means that you aren’t all in.”
Teagan rolled her eyes. “We’re playing poker now?”
Sinead didn’t take the bait. “I think you’re one of those women that keeps her options open, Teagan. I think that you never allow yourself to be all in. You need to know that if the guy walks, you’ll be okay. You won’t be devastated. If you and Jessie broke up tomorrow, what would happen?”
“It would kill me.”
“Would it? I know you would be upset and sad, but if you’re being honest with us, how long would it be before you were okay?”
“I don’t know.”
“I think you need to think about that. If Howard left me, I’d never be okay again.”
“If that’s true, why aren’t you married?”
“I am.”
“I meant with the paper and the whole thing, not spiritually.” Teagan smiled.
“So did I.”
There was stunned silence in the room. As usual, it was my big mouth that opened first. “Mom and Daddy are going to be devastated that they weren’t invited.”
“Mom and Dad were there.”
“What? When?”
“Yesterday. Howard and I talked after we left the house Sunday night. It was actually Troya that convinced me it was time.”
The look on Troya’s face was priceless. “Me?”
“When you were telling us about how you had found a forever family for Julia. Those words just kept bouncing around in my brain. Howard is my forever family. Why was I so worried about what other people thought? So what if I got pregnant before I got married? What difference does it make? Howard and I have been forever since we got together, and both of us know it. There has never been any doubt about what, just when. So on Monday morning, we called Mom and Dad and Howard’s parents and told them that we were getting married at the courthouse, and they were welcome to attend. We got married and went out to lunch. It was nice.”
“Are you going to do a church wedding later? A reception?”
“Nope. We don’t care about the wedding. It isn’t about the world celebrating us as a couple; it’s about us knowing who and what we are and who and what we want to be. Together.”
“I’m not sure what to say.” Teagan looked genuinely confused.
“There’s nothing to say.”
Valerie shot to her feet and pulled Sinead up into a hug. “Congratulations. The two of you will be so happy together, and that little baby will have the very best life. I’m so happy for you, honey.”
That started the cavalcade of O’Flynn good wishes. There were tears and laughter and, when we all settled down again, lots of questions.
It was Maeve that asked about wedding presents, and Sinead’s answer surprised all of us. “We don’t want anything. We have everything that we need.”
Valerie, the most corporate thinking among us, had an instant answer that made sense to me. She said, “Well, I think what we will do is ignore you. You are the baby of the family.” She put an arm around Sinead and gave her a squeeze. “We will create a savings account. We will all put some cash in there instead of buying you a gift, and you can use it for whatever. Start a business. Buy a house. Get what you need for the baby.”
Morgan laughed. “Buy a house. You’re a generous group.”
“Think of the money they saved on a wedding ceremony. We can throw that in there. I’ll throw in the cash I would have spent on a dress and shoes since I would need new stuff to cover this baby bump and not have my sausage feet kill me all day. If Teagan does that too, we’re on our way to a good down payment.”
Everybody laughed. We called Howard and yelled our good wishes to him over the speakerphone. Lots of silly comments and Teagan’s ear piercing whistles. An Irish toast or two and a proverb or three to celebrate their good news. I’m not sure if it was the total acceptance or the hormones from her pregnancy, but Sinead allowed a few tears to fall.
Troya smiled. “I’m sure Mom figured that you would share this information. Might even be the reason for her suggesting that we all get together.”
“I think that Mom knows us. She knows that there’s strength in the lot of us getting together and reviewing our lives.” Maeve mumbled around a mouth full of chips.
“That even sounded like Mom.”
“Yes, yes, it did.” Sinead’s smile was infectious.
“So now that we know Sinead’s news, anyone else want to share?”
Morgan raised a finger. “Wait a minute. We didn’t fix Teagan yet.”
“There is no fixing Teagan. She’s a puzzle that has print on both sides — in like colors — and no straight edges.”
Teagan shook her head but couldn’t come up with anything that would prove my statement wrong.
We watched movies and ate too much junk and danced to Mom’s favorite music: the stuff she played in the house the whole time we were growing up.
Troya was the first to fall asleep. I’m sure it’s because of depression. We didn’t talk much about Julia going to her forever family, but it has to be killing Troya on every level. She sat in my dad’s big chair staring off into space, and then she just kind of drifted off. Others followed before too long because we were trying not to make too much noise and wake Troya up.
In the morning, we had the O’Flynn traditional breakfast: slices of ham, scrambled eggs, fruit, and bear claws. Lots of tea. Orange juice. Hot chocolate. We got our stuff together and parted ways — leaving Mom’s house the way we found it, but all of us in a much better place. We got it all done and got out of the house by noon. We never accomplished that as kids.
A.J. wasn’t home when I got there. I took a long shower, which is unusual for me. It was in the shower that I made the decision. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it, but I was absolutely certain with every cell of my being that I would. Soon. This week. And I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it before I took action. For some reason, I felt like that was important.
I slathered smelly good stuff all over and blew my hair dry. I hate that it grows so slowly. I should have thought about that before I had them shave off the sides. It’s getting better. Kind of like a stylized pixie cut. With attitude. I actually like it, but I have to style it every day because my hair is so fine and oily. If I’m going somewhere important in the evening, I have to wash it a second time. Especially if I’ve been running my hands through it, which I tend to do when I’m stressed.
Hair looking fabulous and just a little bit of makeup, I went into the kitchen and started dinner. It had been too long since A.J. and I acted like real people sitting down to a real dinner, not something I just threw together because we had to be fed. I had a ham roast. Just discovered them a few weeks ago. I should have brined it last night if I was going to serve it today, but thanks to my vacuum sealer and my experiences with marinating on the fly, I mixed equal parts of salt and sugar, added the water, put it in a canister, plopped in the ham, and vacuumed the air out. The recipe I found on the internet said I should add cloves or bay leaves or some other stuff to the brine mix, but I’m a purist and just used the salt and sugar with water. I like my ham to taste like ham, I guess.
With the ham sitting in the fridge for a couple of hours, I went ahead and peeled my potatoes, found some veggies for A.J. in the fridge — instead of the freezer where I usually have lots — and when Suzi called, I held back the offer of dinner so that A.J. and I could spend the evening alone.
By the time he got home, dinner was ready, and the table was set. I even had candles and a tablecloth on there.
His smile was perfect. He came in the door tired as he could be, and three steps in, he seemed to be completely regenerated.
“What’s the occasion?”
“I remembered something I’ve allowed myself to forget lately.”
“And what is that?”
“How important us is to me.”
“Me too. Do I have time for a shower?”
“Always.”
When he came out of the shower, dressed in my favorite jeans that are old and soft and hang on his hips in such a sexy way that my heart always skips a beat, he kissed me like he meant for us to miss the dinner I’d prepared, and then he took his place at the table.
The food was perfect, if I do say so myself. Note to self: the whole brining thing didn’t work the way I thought it should. The brine didn’t really get pulled all the way into the ham. I’m going to have to check on that, but it was still good.
I had mashed potatoes, and I’d fixed potatoes au gratin for A.J. He prefers those with ham.
We talked about work and Suzi and how things were going in Old Town. We talked about the slumber party and how mature Sinead is and the fact that she’s now a married woman. A.J. didn’t comment on that much, which leads me to believe that he is either sticking to our agreement or he is really hurt that even at their age Howard and Sinead can make a commitment that I’ve not been willing to make. We talked about Teagan and Jessie and how much their situation bothers me. I hadn’t really admitted that out loud before. But Teagan’s reaction to all of this isn’t what I would have expected, and it’s kind of thrown me off balance. I think that Sinead is right. It is simple. If she wants to build a life with Jessie and she believes that he is the perfect guy for her, then she needs to suck it up and do whatever is necessary to get things back on track. If she doesn’t feel that way, then better to have found it out now. All the little insecurities and un-sureness, all the little comments she’s made since she started seeing him again, swam up to the front of my mind when A.J. and I were talking about it. I’m not sure that Teagan and Jessie are right for each other. Maybe Joynessa is a God thing. Sent to save Teagan from a really bad marriage.
Not that I would say that to Teagan. You can’t take something like that back. Can’t unsay it. Something like that would come back and haunt us both until the day I died, which would probably be the day I chose to say something like that, because Teagan would kill me dead. Then revive me so she could kill me again. It would be different if this was just a guy that Teagan was dating; then I could say just about anything I wanted. But Jessie is the guy that Teagan has always considered her soul mate. Since they were kids. I think maybe that’s part of the problem.
A.J. and I had a great dinner, and even cleaning up the kitchen was fun. We had mint chocolate chip ice cream for dessert, my favorite in the world, and then sat on the couch. I was a little disappointed when A.J. turned on the television, but when he went straight to the local cable channel and showed me a little piece they did for the community announcements, I was thrilled. It would play over and over, and it was positive and a little bit campy and fun. He and Morgan make such a great team.
We danced in the living room. Talked and teased and enjoyed each other and had the very best night of my life.
I wasn’t even waiting for the other shoe to drop, which, lately, is saying something.
I called my mom first thing after A.J. left for work. “Are we doing anything about Sinead?”
There are times it bothers me that my mother always knows what I’m talking about. “She says not, love. I believe we need to respect that.”
“Not even a family dinner?”
“I offered.”
“That’s just weird.”
“It is a bit different than our way, but she is a grown young woman with a husband and family of her own, and she has the right to choose.”
The thought came to mind that my mother was never one to encourage such things — you know, choosing to do things any way other than the O’Flynn way — but maybe it was me that was stuck in a time warp, not my mother. She seemed to be growing up just fine.
“You want to do lunch, Mom?”
“Your father and I have a thing to do, love. We are planning another trip to Ireland.”
“Really? That’s great. When?”
“I’m not sure of the details of it just yet, love. Perhaps this summer or the next. We will take our time to plan out just what it is we want to see. We are blessed to be young and healthy, and we hope to be back there many times.”
“That sounds great. You should start taking your children with you. You have always said that everything is more fun when you experience it through the eyes of a child.”
“I have indeed. But, Cara, you no longer qualify as a child, love. If we are to do that, we should bring the grandchildren.” I love the sound of my mother’s laugh. Especially her ‘leprechaun laugh.’ That’s what my dad calls it. Her little laugh when she knows she’s gotten the better of you.
“Well, that hurts right down to the bone. Was it not me, your child, that was at a slumber party at your very house not all that long ago?”
“Immaturity is not the same thing as youth, love.” And she laughed again.
“I’m gonna remember you said that.”
“As well you should, love.”
And she was gone.
I have to admit, it was a good morning. My house was clean. My hair looked great. My makeup was perfect, and A.J. surprised me by coming home for an unplanned lunch. He even brought the food with him.
When the phone rang, it was Teagan.
I know it’s a terrible thing to say, but two thoughts crossed my mind before I hit the answer button.
First was that she better not ruin my good mood. I was having the best day I’d had in a very long time, and I didn’t want it to stop just so that I could deal with her problems. Problems that she refused to deal with.
Second thought was that it was twelve twelve. I made a wish to win the lottery. You’re always supposed to make a wish when you see double numbers on the clock, and it had been happening a lot lately. My lottery winnings are finally on the way. Yay!
“Hello?”
“Cara, where’s A.J.?
I was so surprised by the question I answered it. “Right here, hang on a sec.”
“I don’t need to talk to him.”
“Then what the hell?”
“Cara, there’s been a car accident. Seamus called. He’s already at the hospital. Dad’s in surgery.”
“Oh, shit.” I sat down with a thunk. “What about Mom?”
I’ve never heard Teagan’s voice like that before. Daddy must be in bad shape. “She didn’t make it.”
“Which hospital are you at? A.J. and I will swing by and pick her up.”
“Cara, Mom was with Dad. She didn’t make it.”
Everything stopped. “Wait. What?”
“Cara, Mom died.”
“No, she didn’t.” Such a stupid response.
I couldn’t listen to Teagan crying on the line.
I handed the phone to A.J. and said, “Find out what hospital.” Even to my own ears I sounded so calm.
Then it all fell apart.
I felt like I had just run a marathon.
I couldn’t catch my breath, and I felt shaky.
I made it into the kitchen before I threw up. I never use the kitchen sink. That’s just wrong. I didn’t care.
A.J. rubbed my back. “Cara…”
“Please, don’t talk. Just take me to Daddy.”
“Two minutes.”
I’m not even sure what he did or how long it took, but next thing I knew, we were in the car and headed for the hospital.
Mom would like the fact that it was the Catholic one.
She’d be more comfortable with Daddy there.
A priest.
I needed to call a priest.
I never put Billy’s number in my phone because he’d been at the same rectory forever, and I knew the number by heart.
I couldn’t think of it to save my soul.
I looked up the number while A.J. drove.
Billy answered on the second ring. I choked out that my Dad was in the hospital and that I wasn’t sure how bad it was but I was sure that it was really bad because my mom had been in the car, and I started to cry so hard that he knew exactly what had happened.
I couldn’t say she had died.
If my Dad didn’t make it, I’d be an orphan.
I cried all the way to the hospital.
When we got there, A.J. ushered me to a waiting room. Not sure how he knew where to go, probably texts, but I didn’t see him playing with his phone when we were in the car. That’s probably what happened to my parents. Some asshole texting while they were supposed to be driving.
The accident couldn’t have been my father’s fault. He’s such a careful driver. He always says that his grandkids are out on those roads.
But accidents happen.
I can’t even imagine what I would do if I caused an accident that killed someone’s mother.
I’d never drive again, that’s for sure.
Troya was there. Her roommate was holding her tight. She was in normal clothes, and he was in scrubs, so I’m guessing he was at work and she was at home.
Seamus and Valerie were there. Seamus was clenching his jaw so tight that his whole face was red. Valerie was sitting in a chair to his right. She was crying softly. I said a quick prayer for the baby. After all that Suzi went through when she was pregnant, I’m now confident that babies are sturdy little people, but still.
Teagan was there. She’d arrived just moments before I did. Right after I got there, Jessie came rushing up. She fell into his arms, all their problems forgotten for the moment. Hearing her sob set the rest of us off, again.
We’d just calmed down when Sinead walked in. She looked so tiny. “What happened?”
Seamus answered. “Mom and Dad were driving home from an appointment. Not sure what they were doing.”
“Mom told me this morning that they were going somewhere to plan their next trip to Ireland. This summer or next.” That brought fresh tears. Mom would never see Ireland again. Thank God that Daddy took her once.
“They were T-boned. Hit Mom’s side of the car. She was killed on impact. Dad probably doesn’t know. He was out when the first people got to the car. Witnesses said that the crash was so violent, they assumed both of them had died. The woman that hit them tried to leave the scene, but those same witnesses stopped her.”
“Tried to leave? Wasn’t she hurt?”
“Yes. She’s in the hospital. Non-life threatening injuries.”
“Why? How would she leave if she was hurt?”
Seamus clenched his jaw even tighter. No doubt he will be paying for some dental work soon. “They say that when you’re drunk, you can do things like that.”
“Drunk? What do you mean?”
“Intoxicated. She blew more than twice the legal limit.”
“But it wasn’t even noon.”
“This isn’t the first time, either. The cop that talked to me said she has been arrested more than once. He said that at least this time, she didn’t have her kids in the car.”
I fell back into the nearest chair.
How could this be? My mother murdered? Killed by a drunk driver? An O’Flynn? We don’t even really drink. There’s never been any of us, not one of us, that has gotten behind the wheel after even having one drink. We did everything right. We followed the rules. We acted responsibly. How could it be that a drunk driver killed one of us? The most important one of us.
Rory and his wife showed up, but I hardly noticed. Teagan asked where the kids were. They were at her mom’s.
Next, Morgan showed up. She didn’t ask any questions. Didn’t make us repeat it all. She just tried to comfort Valerie.
Maeve had come straight from the gym. That’s what had caused the delay. She didn’t answer when Seamus called the first time. About half an hour later, her girlfriend showed up. What a way to get to know the family.
Liam showed up last. He was absolutely gray. He made it as far as the chair that Morgan was sitting in, fell to the floor in front of her, his head in her lap, and cried. He cried like I’ve never seen anyone cry before. It was never a secret in our family that Liam was Mom’s favorite.
Was.
How can that be?
Six hours later, the doctor came out and told us that Daddy was still alive, which was a miracle, but that it would be touch and go. The next twenty-four hours would be telling. It was going to be a long and difficult process for him. The thing the doctor made most clear was that they were keeping him sedated, and we weren’t to tell him that Mom had not made it. It would be a few hours before he was awake enough for us to be of any use, so we should probably go home and rest.
The hospital has a hospice waiting room.
It’s where family goes and waits for their loved one to die.
I know that sounds cynical, but I don’t have the energy to think of a nicer way to put it.
Troya made arrangements for us to use the room.
It had a couch, a couple of chairs, a TV, and a little counter.
We took over the place.
We ate in the cafeteria.
We took the cushions off the couch and spread them on the floor, then took turns sleeping on one or the other.
We took showers in a room they weren’t using.
The married-ins came and went but for the next three days, the O’Flynns never left.
Mom would want it that way.
You pay for the living and pray for the dead.
That’s what she always told us.
If we’d left my father, she would never forgive us.
Ever.
I’m gonna have nightmares about that decision for the rest of my life.
We’ve used the same funeral home since my grandparents moved to the area. They were so nice to us. They came to the hospital and let us make arrangements from the hospice waiting room. Mom had decided years ago that she wanted to be cremated. The minute the church said it was okay, even if it wasn’t preferred, Mom made it clear that’s what she wanted. We decided as a group that if Daddy wasn’t going to be able to make a funeral — the traditional Irish kind — that we would have Mom cremated and then we would have a service after Dad was out of the hospital.
I should say here that I am ashamed of myself.
More than I can put into words.
When it came time to tell Daddy that Mom hadn’t made it, I wasn’t there.
I couldn’t be the one to tell him, and I couldn’t watch as someone else did.
In the end, we decided that Seamus would tell Daddy and that he would do it alone.
All the shitty things I’ve ever said, thought, or tried to convince others of are all wrong. I can’t believe how strong Seamus was. He actually volunteered to tell Daddy so that the rest of us wouldn’t have to. At one point, we decided we would all tell him together, but then we decided that it would be too much for him to deal with.
I’m not sure exactly what happened in Daddy’s hospital room, but I can tell you that in the hospice waiting room, we all lost it. Again.
I’ve never cried so hard. Never been so hurt. I don’t think I’m ever going to be okay again.
In the three days that Daddy was touch and go, two of those days were spent with us also trying to figure out what to do about a funeral. I’ve lost so much weight that I don’t have a single thing I can wear to Mom’s service. Not that I care, but it’s a sign of respect, and I’m not going to disrespect my mother. After talking to Billy, we found out that it’s expected that Mom have a regular funeral. It’s a Catholic thing. Mom would want that.
The doctor said that Daddy cannot attend the funeral.
At first, I thought he was going to fight it, but then he decided it didn’t matter.
Not good.
Not good at all.
For Daddy to say that something like Mom’s funeral doesn’t matter made alarms ring in my head. It was the same as saying that life doesn’t matter any more.
My parents aren’t that old, but you know how when old people lose their partner, the other one sometimes just follows them? I’m worried that Daddy is going to follow Mom.
I can’t be an orphan.
I don’t know how to be a motherless child. I sure as hell don’t know how to be an orphan.
This can’t be happening.