MIRACULOUS UNIVERSAL CURE-ALL
OPIUM

Opium is derived from the poppy plant (that scene in The Wizard of Oz makes so much more sense now, right?)—specifically the Papaver somniferum species.

As far back as 3400 BCE, ancient Sumerians were smoking and eating poppies, which they called hul gil, or the “Plant of Joy.” They weren’t even pretending to use it medicinally though; it was all for funsies. For the next couple thousand years, opium spread to the Assyrians, then to the Babylonians and Egyptians. Again though, their opium use was all for laughs. By 460 BCE, Hippocrates (the “First, do no harm” guy) was suggesting it for pain, “women diseases,” bleeding, and a boatload of other uses. It’s a wily ingredient that changes form throughout the years, to substances like laudanum, a blend of opium and alcohol that emerged in the 1500s. But by 1803, German scientists isolated the active ingredient of opium, calling it “Principum somniferum.” These days we just know it as morphine.

By 1874, morphine was used to create heroin, and if you’re curious how that worked out, we’re assuming you haven’t watched the news in a while.

USED TO TREAT:

imagesTEETHING

Dr. Farney’s Teething Syrup was a delicious, completely kid-safe (wink) blend of alcohol, morphine, and chloroform. Did it work? Well, the kid wasn’t complaining!

imagesGASSY BABIES

Baby’s got a case of the toots? Well, you’re going to need a whole other kind of opium, specifically Dalby’s Carminative, a late 1700s bit of snake oil for “infants afflicted with wind, watery gripes, fluxes, and other disorders of the stomach and bowels.”

images“FEMALE TROUBLE”

Morphine and laudanum were frequently used to treat “hysteria” (old-timey code for “my wife keeps disobeying”) but also real problems like gynecological issues and menstrual pain. Part of the reason for their popularity in 1800s America was the largely female-led temperance movement, which warned against the dangers of alcohol but was just fine with opium. As the 1800s ended, two out of three morphine addicts in America were women.

imagesBEAUTY CONCERNS

In the 1800s, it was very chic for women to look frail and sickly, and what better way to achieve that look than a nasty opium addiction? Unless you wanted to get tuberculosis.

imagesSEVERE DEHYDRATION

Godfrey’s Cordial (opium, spices, and treacle) was used by parents and nurses to treat a wide variety of symptoms, but this was perhaps the most upsetting one.

imagesINSOMNIA

Patent medicines like Godfrey’s Cordial and Atkinson’s Royal Infants Preservative were sold by the gallon to parents and nannies. Though technically sold for medicinal use, it was used by so many parents to keep kids sleepy and docile it was euphemistically known as “Quietness.” The tragically predictable outcome: Infants frequently died from overdose or lack of appetite. Okay, so severe dehydration was the second most upsetting.

imagesCOUGHS AND COLDS

Dr. John Collis Browne had a secret ingredient for his cough and cold remedy Chlorodyne: cannabis tincture. He even added a little chloroform to the potion, which was originally designed to treat cholera. Chlorodyne eventually ditched the cannabis, but weirdly that wasn’t enough to ward off the addicts it left in its wake.

imagesDIARRHEA

Fun fact! Opiates constipate you, so this frequent opium-based patent medicine claim is probably on the level! (Note: There are many better ways of treating diarrhea. Don’t be a goofus.)