MIRACULOUS UNIVERSAL CURE-ALL
CHARCOAL

From the barbecue to the medicine cabinet Summer’s almost here . . . or is here . . . or just ended . . . or seems like forever away. Listen, we have no idea; we’re stuck in this book. Summer is a time, okay? The important thing is that somewhere in the world, at some point, it will be hot outside. When that time comes, there are going to be a lot of grill masters, their bellies all full of fresh-charred meat, who all share the same question: “That was a very good steak, but now what am I gonna do with all this medicine?”

No dear reader, we didn’t let a typo slip through the cracks: That big old pile of briquettes left over after the searing is done is just a big, still surprisingly warm pile of healing.

The use of charcoal as medicine—specifically, activated charcoal—dates back to ancient times. This is a form of charcoal that has been chemically or physically processed in order to create more surface area and small pores that can more readily adsorb other substances. The tricky bit is that charcoal really is good for some things, but the problem in medical history is that substances that actually help with some issues are for some reason expected to help with all issues. We bet that kind of pressure is exhausting.

USED TO TREAT:

imagesDIGESTION

For literally thousands of years, we’ve been eating charcoal to help with tummy trouble. Ancient Egyptians did it for gastrointestinal distress, Hippocrates swore by it as a stomach aid (as well as a treatment for vertigo, anemia, and epilepsy). Even doctors in the 1800s used it for tummy troubles such as diarrhea and flatulence.

imagesCOLD SORES

This was a Pliny the Elder original, another cure that required you consume the charcoal. (It’s a really good thing that Pringles were eventually invented, the ancients were desperate for snack foods, apparently.) Oh, it also supposedly would cure your carbuncles.

imagesBAD ODORS

When Egyptians had a little charcoal left over from treating their digestion, they used as a stink repellent, especially for open infected wounds.

imagesWATER PURIFICATION

By 400 BCE, Phoenician sailors were carrying drinking water in charred barrels to preserve it, a practice that was used on long sea voyages until the 1800s. This is a good one! Active charcoal carbon filters can remove chlorine, sediment, and weird flavors and smells from water. If you’ve ever used a filtered drinking bottle, you very well may have been slurping your water through charcoal.

imagesBLEEDING

Charcoal had sort of a resurgence in 1800s Europe. We’ve covered the GI treatments, but it was also really popular as a way to stop bleeding. It was applied topically, which makes a certain sort of sense, we guess, but also orally. That’s right, they believed if you ate some charcoal your nosebleed would stop.

In the late 1800s, charcoal was prescribed for rectal bleeding, as per this journal entry from John Fyfe, M.D.: “The specific use of charcoal is to arrest hemorrage from the bowels. It has been used in enema, finely powdered to four ounces of water, thrown up the rectum. Why this checks it I cannot tell; that it does it, I have the evidence of my own eyes.”

imagesPOISONING

In the 1900s, Japanese and French surgeons started using activated charcoal to treat poisoning. This, as it turns out, was very much on the level. If you remember the water purification bit, charcoal is very good at soaking up weird stuff. The National Capital Poison Control Center supports the use of activated charcoal in many poisoning situations. The Center also says that one teaspoon of activated charcoal has the same total surface area as a football field. Which . . . well, we just thought that was neat.

FUN FACT: Justin asked Sydnee what “carbuncles” were while writing the above paragraph and she said it was sort of a “multi-headed boil” and that was probably enough info but then she showed him a Google image search result for “carbuncles,” and so he died and now will have to write the rest of the book from Hell.