ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
Hey, we heard your penis wasn’t working so great. Luckily, this topic is near and dear to many historic scientists.
Listen, it happens to the best of us. One day, your penis is going for it like crazy, fulfilling all your penis-based dreams and then—kaput. Fear not! The history of medicine has, until recently, been monopolized by people with penises, and this topic has been thoroughly explored.
JUSTIN Listen, I’m going to be straight with you. I’m doing the final edits on this chapter before we send it to our editor, and I’ve kinda had a rough day, so I’m pretty much going to be writing the word penis as often as is grammatically sound, because I need to cheer myself up and I am apparently eight years old. I’m assuming some of the instances of “penis” will be Lorena Bobbitted out before the book goes to print, but I want you to know I tried. I tried.
SYDNEE I at least appreciate that you’re using appropriate medical terminology and not one of the horrifying euphemisms you adopted from your side of the family.
JUSTIN Thank you, Syd. And sorry, reader, that you don’t get to enjoy me repeatedly typing “wormy.”
SYDNEE Oh, there it is, it happened. We made it forty-three pages, and something in this book has finally grossed me out.
WIENER WISDOM OF THE ANCIENTS
Humans have been trying to come up with treatments for erectile dysfunction for as long as humans have been having erections. Which, as evidenced by the fact that humanity didn’t stop with Adam and Eve (or Gronk and Thurkinda if you prefer a less biblical approach), is a very long time.
You’ve almost certainly deduced this, but “erectile dysfunction” refers to the inability to achieve or maintain an erection. By now, we have learned that it can be caused by a variety of conditions, including high blood pressure, low testosterone, psychological issues, or complications from medications.
Our ancestors didn’t know any of that, but that didn’t stop them from coming up with ideas for why it happened, and a wide and sometimes terrifying range of treatments. Despite many of these attempts having absolutely no basis in science, and therefore no shot whatsoever of working, humanity has been consistently giving it the old college try since ancient times.
One of the earliest recorded treatments comes from Ancient Egypt, and involved grinding up the hearts of baby crocodiles to rub on the affected area. Yes, you read that correctly: Baby crocodile hearts . . . ground up . . . to fix our broken wieners. So, the next time you hear of a sweet elderly Floridian being eaten by an alligator, please try to remember that humanity definitely deserves whatever reptilian violence we get.
Hey, everybody and more specifically everybody with a penis? Could we give crocodiles a break for like a second? I’m very sorry about the problems you’re having with your penis, but if we could just chill on rending crocodiles into component parts for penis medicine I think it’d be a huge boon for human-reptile relations.
The ancient Greeks had a simple theory: If it looks like a penis, or is a penis, it might be good for your penis. So, with that in mind, they advised eating the genitalia of roosters or goats to get your mojo working.
Not into eating actual penises? How about a snake? They’re kind of phallic and also, bonus, rejuvenate themselves by shedding their skin, so Greek physicians figured hey, maybe they can rejuvenate you too.
If none of that worked, it was time for the big guns: rubbing some ground hippomanes on your, um, big gun. What’s hippomanes, you ask? Well, it’s a growth found on the forehead of newborn foals, so just find yourself one of those, harvest it, and then rub it on your penis. Problem solved!
WHEN IN ROME
The Romans took more of the an-ounce-of-prevention-is-worth-a-pound-of-cure approach to this particular issue, which sounds reasonable enough. Eat right, exercise—and wear a talisman to protect your boner. One particular favorite was made from the right molar of a small crocodile. Again with the crocodiles!
A more in-your-face amulet choice was some form of fascinum, a piece of jewelry in the form of a winged penis worn to honor Fascinus, the “divine phallus god.” In fact, Romans were so concerned with this particular ailment that they didn’t just rely on one god for help. They also turned to the Greek god Priapus, who started as a minor fertility god with one notable attribute—an enormous, always-hard penis. Romans apparently liked the look of this chap, and he became a very prominent figure in Roman art, literature, and of course, prayers from the afflicted.
Our buddy Pliny the Elder had a lot to say about most diseases and dysfunctions, but he definitely outdid himself when it came to erectile issues. For starters, to get things going in the bedroom, he recommended both leeks and turpentine as aphrodisiacs.
After that, you could move onto some wine flavored with garlic and coriander as the evening progresses, or perhaps a little water that had been used to boil asparagus if you want to get really amorous. If these simpler solutions don’t do the trick, never fear: Pliny had a whole list of herbal cures that you might want to try, such as donax, clematis, and xiphium root with pearl barley and wine, or a lozenge made of skink muzzle and feet, mixed with some rocket seed in white wine.
No, we don’t know what some of those herbs are, either, but the wine seems to be the key ingredient. Pliny may not have known how to fix erectile dysfunction, but he was pretty darn sure wine was part of the equation.
GREAT PENISES OF THE MIDDLE AGES
Thirteenth-century Bishop Albertus Magnus was many things: a scientist, philosopher, astrologer, theologian, spiritual writer, diplomat, eventual saint—and penis expert. At least, we know that in his treatise De Animalbus, he wrote: “If a wolf’s penis is roasted in an oven, cut into small pieces, and a small portion of this is chewed, the consumer will experience an immediate yen for sexual intercourse.”
But who has time to hunt a wolf for its penis meat when you’re busy worrying about your own? Luckily, the good bishop had a backup suggestion: Try sparrow meat. Problem solved!
If all else failed, Magnus suggested eating a starfish, but with a word of warning: it might cause you to ejaculate blood. Luckily, he had a cure for this too: nice, cool lettuce. No wonder the Church considers him to be one of the thirty-six honored “Doctors of the Church.”
What if you weren’t so into eating and drinking weird stuff? One unlikely, but not unpopular, treatment was to simply surround yourself with beautiful men and women.
If the Hef strategy doesn’t pan out, we got one more for you: peeing through your wife’s wedding ring, or the keyhole of the church where you were married. Unless you have one of history’s chillest priests presiding over your congregation, you’ll want to get permission for that one first.
Sydnee’s Medical History Corner
At the time that Magnus was writing, it was common to categorize diseases and other conditions by their various perceived temperature and moisture—hot or cold, wet and or dry. Treatments, then, were tailored to address and theoretically correct these perceived imbalances.
In this particular instance, sparrow meat was considered a hot and dry treatment, so it would give you the boost you needed to achieve an erection. A word of warning: It was also known to cause constipation. And really, no one should have to choose between erections and bowel movements.
THE ERECTILE REVOLUTION
With the dawn of the Enlightenment came the idea of searching for (or, okay, making up) logical causes for maladies. For example a pamphlet published in 1783, and titled The Lady’s Physical Directory, also known as A Rational Account of the Natural Weaknesses of Women and of the Secret Distempers Peculiarly Incident to Them, gave many possible explanations for erectile dysfunction.
I just want to take a brief moment to make my distaste for the title of this pamphlet known. It really sucks. Thank you; I’m done now.
The anonymous author (credited only as “A Physician”) theorized that the problem at hand could result from either a deficiency of “animal spirits” or those spirits not flowing to the organs of generation (read, “weiner;” it was actually illegal to say “weiner” until sometime in the 1970s, so they resorted to old-timey code words). Stress, excessive drink, and fast living were usually blamed for this.
Alternately, the culprit could be a lack of “animaculae.” That term was used to refer to any weird little moving critters that newfangled microscopes had revealed to the world. So, basically, sperm—although we didn’t yet really understand how it worked.
Whatever the reason, it didn’t matter; the author had a solution for you.
Since this wonder drug was advertised in a pamphlet aimed specifically at women, we’re assuming this meant either a lot of uncomfortable dinner conversations, or a bunch of wives secretly slipping a nice dose of penis potion into hubby’s after-dinner drink.
FORCES OF NATURE
In the late 1700s, erectile dysfunction was widely thought to be caused by excessive sexual activity, whether with a partner or all by your lonesome. And since electricity and magnetism were popular treatments for just about everything at the time, of course enterprising doctors were going to try them out on penis problems. The field of sexology was more or less founded in 1780 by Dr. James Graham and his Temple of Health wherein—aided by some sexy assistants billed as Goddesses of Health—he treated patients with musical therapy, “pneumatic chemistry,” and of course, electromagnetism. He advised patients that they could reverse the erection-killing effects of masturbation and marital excess with cold baths, sexual moderation, and use of his Celestial Bed. Which, we just have to take a moment to talk about. A whopping twelve-by-nine feet, the bed was surrounded by forty glass pillars, and covered by a dome that contained clockwork devices, fresh flowers, and a pair of live turtle doves. A mechanism inside the dome released stimulating fragrances and “aethereal” gases, while organ pipes emitted “celestial sounds.” The head of the bed was an electrified clockwork tableau celebrating Hymen, the god of marriage.
In your face, Magic Fingers!
A SHOCKING TREATMENT
Much less fun-sounding was a Dr. John Caldwell, who treated patients with direct application of electricity to the affected body parts or immersion in a bathtub with electrodes.
In 1883, Dr. William Hammond’s book, Sexual Impotence in the Male, advised attaching electrodes to the patient’s spine, perineum, testicles, and penis. A master of understatement, he did say that the effect was “rather unpleasant.” Other unpleasant ideas from Dr. Hammond included urtication, a fact term for flagellation, in this case of the buttocks—with stinging nettles.
More of a DIY type? Good news! The Harness Electropathic Battery Belt, released in 1893, could help with what was tastefully described as “medical electricity for self application.”
“. . . You know what, doc? On second thought, I don’t really mind my penis just kind of hanging there. I’m just going to learn to live with it, thanks for your time. Did you see my pants anywhere? You know what? Keep the pants, I’m just gonna jump through this window.”
PUMP IT UP
In the 1840s, we see the first somewhat effective device, French physician Vincent Marie Mondat’s horrifyingly named “Congestor,” a first-gen penis pump. You put the appendage in question into a glass tube, and a vacuum pump drew blood into the area. A fantastic cure if you just want to display it—not, you know, use it for anything.
The whole pump concept continued to be refined in the early modern era, with such notable items as the Vital Power Vacuum Massager available for sale in the 1920s.
This era also brought us penile splints, which is just what you’re imagining—exactly like a splint for your broken arm or leg except they . . . well, except that broken arms aren’t typically splinted for the express purpose of inserting them into anyone’s orifices. Other awesomely named devices of the era included the Erector-Sleigh and the Virility Cylinder.
DR. LOEWENSTEIN’S HORRIFYING APPARATUS
But no discussion of terrifying love-making technology would be complete without a shout-out to Dr. Joseph Loewenstein’s Coitus Training Apparatus. This device was a pair of rings that were connected by wires, and insulated with rubber. To use, you’d position a ring on each end of the penis with the wires stretched between, and cover it all with a condom. You might think of it as training wheels for the penis! (Now, try to think of literally anything else. No luck?)
Loewenstein seemed to think that injury-free use of his contraption was just a matter of practice. He promised that the partner of the “dexterous man” would never even know it was there. His theory was that over time, the penis would remember how to do sex and you could lose the training wheels. Unfortunately, this was never very popular among women who sometimes faced difficulty when it came time to “extricate the apparatus.”
That probably didn’t work but wowsa, does it ever sound better than electrifying my balls.
PUT THAT THING DOWN!
Excessive masturbation was still the number one suspected culprit in erectile dysfunction, so a lot of treatments were basically medicines intended to restore vitality that had been . . . used up. Some, like Dr. Brodum’s Nervous Cordial and Botanical Syrup, relied on relatively innocuous herbs (cardamom, gentian, and colombo) to get men ready for the “married state.” Or you could kick it up a notch with Samuel Soloman’s Cordial Balm of Gilead, which (of course) had to be taken while bathing your testicles in cold water, or a mixture of alcohol and vinegar. This was also a cardamom-based concoction, but at least this time they threw in some brandy for kicks. Pliny would approve.
Throughout the 1800s, other doctors advised ginseng, strychnine, damiana, yohimbe, and hemlock (some of which appear in dodgy herbal “virility” pills to this very day). You didn’t have to find all those ingredients on your own, though. You could simply go to the drugstore and pick up William Acton’s strychnine, phosphoric acid, and orange peel combo, or perhaps W. Frank Glenn’s special damiana, zinc, arsenious acid, and cocaine mix. (Note: Not available at your local GNC or truck stop. Probably). Other suggestions included massages, drinking urine, or simply refraining from riding a bike. And physician and sex educator Frederick Hollick thought all this searching for a cure for erectile dysfunction was ridiculous because we already had something that made us pretty warm and cheerful and in the mood: Cannabis.
HE’S GOT BALLS (GOAT BALLS, THAT IS)
By the early 20th century, we had finally resorted to surgery. In 1913, a doctor at Northwestern named Victor Lespinasse transplanted slices of human testicle into a man with erectile dysfunctional and claimed it worked so well that four days later, the man demanded to leave the hospital in order to go sate his desires. One year later, Dr. G Frank Lydston implanted a dead man’s testicle into his own scrotum. Injections of goat, ram, boar, and deer testicles have also been tried throughout the years. We’ve even tried implanting chimpanzee testicles in some lucky fellows. (Maybe not so lucky for the chimps.)
BONERS OF TODAY
As we move into the modern era, medical science begins to transition away from these whimsical and/or terrifying solutions into the much duller world of “devices that might actually work.” Some of the first, developed in the 1970s and ’80s included penile rods and prosthetic devices that could inflate the penis. Injections or suppositories actually placed into the penis are still used in some cases today, as well as penis pumps, tension rings, and implants.
As for magical tinctures, anyone who has watched basically any TV ads in the past decade has almost certainly guessed how this story ends: namely, with prescription medications like Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. They all work by relaxing the muscles in the penis and increasing blood flow (no electrodes or arsenic required).
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
While the medications dominate the market, there are still other options in use. Testosterone replacement is increasingly popular for a diverse number of medical complaints, including erectile dysfunction, and patients are also advised to try lifestyle changes such as more exercise, less alcohol or illicit drug use, and management of chronic medical conditions.
It may seem like the story ends there, but if the history of medicine has taught us nothing else, it’s this: As long as there are people on Earth, and a good number of them have penises, the human race will never stop trying to find new and better ways to fix those penises. As a task it is both hard and lengthy and, yes, that is in fact what she said.