THE DOCTOR IS IN

It’s time to take another break from rubbernecking at the flaming wreckage on the medical history highway to answer real questions from real listeners of Sawbones, a real podcast.

I know that apple seeds contain cyanide, but how many would you have to eat for them to be fatal?

Sydnee: Depending on what kind of apple we’re talking about, you’d need to eat between 150 to several thousand apple seeds. Oh, and you’d have to crush and chew every one. Gross. By the way, they don’t contain cyanide, but rather a family of chemical called “cyanogenic glycosides” that are transformed into cyanide in your gut. This is not just apples, by the way: cherry pits, peach pits, and even lima beans all contain trace amounts of cyanogenic glycosides.

Justin: Good news, kids: you finally have a great excuse not to eat lima beans!

Why, for some women, does your hair change after pregnancy?

Sydnee: The general answer is “hormones,” but the main factor is estrogen. This can cause your hair to grow faster, and change the texture, but also enter what’s called the “resting phase,” during which your hair doesn’t fall out. The trade off is about three months after delivery, your hormones revert and then your hair falls out.

Justin: Fall out? Not if I pull it out myself first! Right, because kids? Where my other parents at? Anybody?

I’m an avid blood donor, and I’ve recently been thinking: If a baby got my blood, is it possible that a blood paternity test could come back as a match if ran against my own blood, or is that not how any of this works?

Sydnee: You are exactly right in that this is not how any of this works. Modern paternity tests largely rely on analyzing DNA from cells collected by swabbing the inside of your cheek. Older tests relied on blood, but only the white blood cells, because red blood cells (which are what you’re actually donating) don’t contain any markers that can be used to determine their parentage.

Justin: I was trying to come up with something funny to write here, but honestly, I’m actually just too excited by that Sawbones crossoverwith Maury Povich that I’ve always dreamed of, finally coming to fruition.

When I was a kid, I had an allergy to apples. Brilliant ten-year-old that I was, I decided to beat my allergy by eating one every day and just enduring it. A few months later, my allergy was gone. Is there any merit to this, or was I just lucky?

Sydnee: Let me preface this answer by first saying, in no uncertain terms, DO NOT DO THIS. While this story, fortunately, has a happy ending, this is not a risk I would ever advise taking. That being said, this is actually similar to how allergy shots work. You receive a series of injections in this treatment, with a gradually escalating dose of the allergen itself. In this way, you develop a tolerance of sorts to the allergen.

Justin: People used to scoff when I would rub a cat on my eyes and nose for fifteen minutes every day. But it looks like I wasn’t so dumb, huh? Even better, Parker Purrsey can rest easy in the Great Beyond knowing that she got to achieve something truly important during her time on Earth.

My husband will sometimes gorge himself and eat so much he has to lie down, but when there’s dessert, he’s like “Heck yeah” because he has a theory that “Dessert fills in the cracks,” like the cracks between the food he just ate. That’s ridiculous right?

Sydnee: Right.

Justin: Finally, one even I could answer!

What are shin splints, and how do you get rid of them? I’ve had one for eight months, and they’re horrible.

Sydnee: Shin splints, or Medial Tibial Stress Syndrome, really just means that you have pain along the inside edge of your tibia. This is related to inflammation of the tendons, muscles, or tissues that surround the bone, and is typically the result of overuse. It is extremely common in runners. Most patients will respond to a combination of rest, ice, compression, stretching, and maybe an anti-inflammatory medication. If this isn’t helping, though, you should go talk with your doctor. Sometimes, what you’re thinking might be a shin splint is actually a very small stress fracture, so it’s best to get it checked out from the start.

Justin: Boom, take that, runners! Now who’s the healthy one? Boy, this has been a really vindicating segment so far, Syd!

What can a doctor determine about a patient after observing a fart?

Sydnee: Contrary to what you may think, a fart is actually not a particularly helpful diagnostic tool for a physician. I guess a very smelly fart may clue you in to a high-protein diet or an abundance of gas may lead you to believe a patient is eating a lot of beans, but beyond these simple dietary clues, there really isn’t much to learn from flatulence. Also, I would personally prefer to just ask about these things; no demonstration required.

Justin: . . . I think I finally understand why the producers of ER never wanted to produce that spec script I sent them.