Chapter Fifteen

 

“Oh my God,” Sharon said. “You’re a mess!”

I was a sobbing wreck against Nathan’s chest as he held me, standing on Sharon’s front stoop. “Come in!” she said, beckoning us inside. “For Christ’s sake, get in here.”

“She wouldn’t say anything the whole trip,” I heard Nathan’s deep voice say over me as he laid me down on a bed, the sheets cool and comforting against my hot, tear-stained cheeks.

“I’ve… never seen her like this. Heller’s going to kill me, but there was no way I could take her back. She was begging me to get her out…”

“She’s not going back.” I heard Sharon sigh, then footsteps as their voices receded. “You did the right thing. I’ll talk to Heller in the…”

And then they were gone.

I’d done it. I’d fled. Broken my vow — and my promise to Heller. I knew I was done for. I could imagine the look on DeWinter’s face when he found out I’d left.

Open season on Tamara once more.

I sobbed anew at the hopelessness I felt, at knowing what I’d done was the only real choice I had.

It was the only way.

The only way for whom? Do you really believe that, or are you just too fucking scared to face the truth?

I was crushed at having to leave him, but I knew I had to save myself — and to save Eldon from me.

The early morning darkness began to brighten. Dawn must have been near. I drifted off to sleep, still sniffling, curled into a ball like a pathetic child.

I didn’t know how long I’d slept, but the soft, caring voice I’d remembered from those many months ago woke me from my oblivion.

“Tamara… wake up, sweetie.” A soft hand caressed my cheek. “It’s okay, you’re safe here.”

I managed to open my eyes, to find her standing above me, a glass of water in her hand. She looked as beautiful as she always did, a sleeveless patterned black and white top hugging her breasts, the low cut showing off the pleasing tanned smoothness of her upper chest, generous yet tasteful cleavage. Her voluminous dark skirt just brushed the open toes of her sandals. More tears threatened to spill down my cheeks when she gave me her warm smile.

“Here, drink this. You need it.”

Handing me the water, she sat down next to me.

I downed the ice cold liquid in three gulps, shivering as it cooled me. Before I could lay my head back down, she cradled it in her arms, pressing my cheek to her skirt-covered thigh instead.

“What in God’s name happened, Tamara? Nathan said you just… freaked, fled the Farm. Wouldn’t tell him why.”

I was weeping again as I poured out the whole thing, my sorry, pathetic tale of woe. Sharon listened in silence, as my heart broke all over again.

By the time I was finished, she was drying my eyes with a fistful of tissues.

“It’s all right… everything is going to be all right.”

I hugged myself to her leg. “Nothing’s all right… without him.”

“Then why on earth did you run?”

Sharon had visited the Farm several times before, in the company of her husband, and on their last visit together, I’d shared a wonderful night with the two of them there. Both Tom and Sharon had fucked me, though Sharon was very gentle, very loving with me, almost as a consolation for the rough paces her husband had put me through.

Later that night, while Tom snored, asleep next to us in that big bed, she and I curled up sweetly in one another's arms in the dark, whispering and giggling and talking for hours.

It was like a scene from a sorority, or a sleep-over, the two of us making fast friends, despite my subordinate position at the Farm. We’d confessed every secret, every fear, every hope, and took deep enjoyment in just being… ourselves. It was a night I’d never forgotten. It wasn't because I was a lesbian; I’m a confirmed straight girl. But at the Farm, you served whomever wanted you. And truth be told, serving Sharon's needs was a sweet duty indeed.

That next morning as they were leaving the Farm, Sharon had planted a lingering, quite passionate kiss on my lips, and slipped a card into my hand. On the back, was written:

 

Call me when you need me. You'll know when that time comes.

 

xoxo

 

Sharon

 

“Answer my question, please,” Sharon said, her voice firming, even as her fingers still stroked my brow. “Why would you leave if this is how you feel?”

“It was the… only way to protect…” I buried my face against her thigh, not wanting to face it.

But she wasn’t going to let me off that easy.

“Why?”

I sighed heavily, looking up at her. “To protect him… from me.”

“From you?” One of Sharon’s sculpted brows quirked and she looked away a moment, staring out the bedroom window as she spoke. “Honey, Eldon may indeed need protection… but most definitely not from you.”

“I don’t… he needs someone who’s… not broken.” I hid my face again, my weeping threatening to bubble over once more. “Not… me.”

“Tamara, look at me.”

I pulled myself up to my knees, watching her closely. She took my hand, stroking it slowly, but the playful light had disappeared from her eyes, her chin firming. Her expression had turned almost… grim.

“Let me ask you something. Do you remember what we talked about, last time Tom and I visited the Farm? When you… stayed with us?”

“Of course.” My face burned, and she had the sweetness to caress my cheek, but not comment further on it.

“Do you recall what we talked about? How you feared you didn’t deserve happiness? Do you remember what else you told me?”

It was my turn to look away, for the words were… the truth. And they hurt. They were what I believed — and what I felt to this day.

“Tell me, Tamara. I want to hear you say them.”

“I… I said I was afraid of love.”

Sharon allowed herself a little sigh, squeezing my hand gently, a subtle admonishment. “What else.”

“I said that… I was so afraid of it… that I would run from it. To keep myself from being hurt. Because I was terrified I’d find… that I didn’t deserve that either.”

Sharon lifted my chin, forcing me to look at her. “In everyone’s life, there comes a time when you discover something that really means the most in the world to you. The one thing you'd give everything up for, if you had to. That thing, for me? It was Tom. I gave up everything, my career, many of my friends. That didn’t matter, because when I found him, everything suddenly made sense.” She winked at her. “But I have a secret you and I didn’t talk about that night back at the Farm. It’s one you need to know now. Ready?”

I nodded, grateful to be talking — if only for a few moments — about her rather than my own ragged, raw emotions.

“The truth was that I was terrified too. I thought about backing away from it, that maybe it was too much for me. I stopped returning his calls, blew off dates. I was getting ready… to run.”

“You… but you two are perfect for each other!”

And they were. I had seen many couples, many relationships in my months at the Farm, and not once had I seen one nearly as strong, as rock-solid, as Sharon’s marriage to her husband, Tom. She was his wife, his slave, his playtoy — and his soulmate. It was a beautiful thing, and to this very day I still felt honored to have shared it with them, if only for one, fleeting night. For those few, sweaty hours in the dark, I got a tiny taste of what real love was, what true devotion could be.

I wanted the same.

Except you’re too much of a coward to grab it for yourself.

“We were perfect for each other,” Sharon continued. “And we still are. Maybe deep down, subconsciously, instinctively, I already knew it. Maybe that was the source of my fear. Maybe it was my heart telling me…that I had a chance at forever.”

It hit me then, a thousand tons of guilt and fear and self-loathing, coming down upon me.

“What are… what are you saying?”

“I’m saying, my girl, that you have a fork in the road here. A decision to make. Just like I did. Your heart already knows the direction it wants to go. You just have to have the courage to go where it leads you. Even though it scares you.” Her voice dropped lower. “Because it scares you. That is where you find it. What you’ve always ached for. And what you do deserve.”

My heart was a jackhammer, threatening to explode with emotion. I did know, now. I could do this. I had to do this.

“Are you prepared to do anything, give up all that you know, go through any trial — and make the toughest choice of all? To fight for something you aren’t sure you even deserve?”

I put my hand to my mouth, my heart seizing in my chest. I saw the understanding mirrored in Sharon’s gorgeous, knowing, sympathetic eyes.

The dawning of how very badly I’d fucked everything up here.

What have you done? Oh God, Tamara, what have you done!

I nodded, frantically, tears streaming again as I hugged Sharon hard.

The woman pulled me back then, looking me in the eye, her gaze deadly serious. “Now, I have something to tell you, and I need you to listen to all of it. It’s very serious. And it involves Eldon…”