“Your pregnancy obviously sped up how I thought everything would play out,” Tanner said, still trying to comprehend what Macy was telling him. This had been the last thing he’d expected to hear. “But that wasn’t the only reason I proposed.”
Macy shook her head, her shoulders slumped as if the emotional burden of this conversation was too heavy to carry. “If you only married me because I was pregnant, I would always wonder if you really loved me or if you’d just married me because it was the right thing. I’d wondered about it before, but then when Pruett told me that…”
“It played right into all your fears.” Tanner frowned.
She drew in a long, deep breath. “He told me you weren’t going to be able to go to the FBI Academy. You would resent me for that. You may not have thought so at the time, but in the end, you would have.”
“I should have been the judge of that.”
Anger fought to burst to life inside him, but Tanner used every ounce of restraint to hold it back. Anger would do no good right now, and would only serve to silence Macy. He didn’t want that. She’d been silent for five years.
Macy glanced down at her lap again and rubbed her lips together, another wave of melancholy seeming to wash over her. “Then I lost the baby. The truth is I was devastated.”
She dragged her gaze up to meet his. “I’ve always wanted a family. I’ve always felt like I was traversing through life by myself. As you know, my mom died when I was young and then my dad buried himself in his work. My sister is considerably older than me, and she’s busy with her own family.”
“I know.”
“Then I met you, and I didn’t feel alone.” Her voice cracked with emotion. “When I got pregnant, images of having the family I’d always dreamed about filled my thoughts. I didn’t really care about my degree anymore even. Suddenly, life seemed really clear.”
“I know losing the baby was hard on you, Macy.”
She swung her head back and forth before pinching the skin between her eyes. “It was ridiculous, wasn’t it? I mean, we weren’t ready for a baby. It was all an accident.”
Tanner grabbed her hand and squeezed it, wishing he could relieve some of her pain. “The baby would have been a blessing, despite the circumstances.”
She wiped away a tear that had welled up and trickled down her flushed cheek, dragged in a ragged breath and seemed to take a moment to compose herself. “You had every right to mourn,” he continued. “That was our child. I don’t care what anyone else said.” Tanner shifted and lowered his voice. “I wish you’d talked to me, Macy.”
Macy pulled her hand away, his words seeming to snap her out of her vulnerable state. “It doesn’t matter now, right? Everything worked out. You’re in the FBI. I got my doctorate.”
His jaw flexed, and he instantly wanted the vulnerable Macy back. The one who was opening up. Who wasn’t afraid to show weakness or admit to feeling hurt. “We could have made it work. Even after you lost the baby, we could have still gotten married. We could have started a family, even if people told us we were foolish because we were young.”
“I couldn’t let you give up your dreams for me.”
“I didn’t ask you to. It would have been my choice.”
“Besides, I knew if you went into the FBI, you wouldn’t have had time for a family,” she continued. “You’d be married to your career. It’s to be expected.”
“That’s an assumption. Not everyone is a workaholic like your father.”
She drew in a deep breath and stood, her eyes welling with tears. “But that’s all water under the bridge now, isn’t it? We can’t change the past.”
“Macy—”
She took a step away, trails of moisture running down her cheeks. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go lie down now. I’m exhausted.”
Before Tanner could convince her to stay and finish this conversation, she fled to her bedroom and closed the door.
He sat on the couch, stunned for a moment. How could Pruett have told Macy that Tanner was relieved they’d lost the baby? Then Tanner knew.
Pruett had always seemed overly interested in Macy. He’d used the situation to his advantage, probably hoping they would break up and that he could make a move. He most likely hadn’t counted on Macy moving to Oklahoma and ruining his chances.
Tanner took his hat off and raked a hand through his hair. He and Macy had an undeniable connection back then. How could she have doubted how much he loved her? It wasn’t just about their baby. It was about their future together.
Tanner knew that Macy’s dad had been married to his work. He’d appeared resentful that he’d had to take care of his younger daughter after her mom died. Of course Macy might have transferred those feelings onto Tanner and think every man was like that.
Tanner had grown up in a home with a mom and dad who loved each other even after thirty years of marriage. They’d been a great example to him of what that kind of union should look like. Maybe that was why he’d remained hopeful while Macy was a skeptic. Their pasts had shaped their view of the future, for better or worse.
Tanner ran a hand over his face, wishing he could turn back time. But the damage had already been done, and it very well could be irreparable.
* * *
Macy was still reeling from her conversation with Tanner when she woke up the next morning. She didn’t even bother to get out of bed. No, she simply pulled herself up and readjusted her pillows behind her. Then she closed her eyes, wishing she could transport herself from this situation.
On the one hand, it had been such a relief to finally have that talk. On the other, Tanner had made it seem like what Pruett had told her all those years ago wasn’t true, that the man had planted doubt in her head for some reason or another.
Macy clearly remembered that exchange with the fresh-faced cop. She’d been walking to her car after class, still trying to come to terms with losing the baby. Pruett had run into her and struck up a conversation.
The man had always been arrogant, with a touch of mischief in his eyes.
“Tanner told me the news,” Pruett had said, falling in step beside her.
“Did he?” Macy blinked with surprise. She hadn’t realized the two were that close that Tanner would tell him such intimate details about their relationship. He hadn’t exactly hung around Tanner, but they’d been in boot camp together.
“Yeah, I’m sorry about the baby.”
She’d paused there in the parking lot beside her car, feeling self-conscious. Getting pregnant had never been a part of her plan. Even though she and Tanner hadn’t turned to God yet, she’d wanted to be married first. But losing the baby… Macy definitely hadn’t been prepared for that.
“Thanks…we’re dealing with it.” Her hand had instinctively reached for her stomach.
“Yeah, that’s what Tanner said. That it might be a blessing in disguise.”
Pruett’s words made her pause. “Did he say that?”
“Something like that,” Pruett said. “Well, as I’m sure he told you, he just got accepted into the FBI Academy. He turned it down, though. Said you needed him.”
The colored had drained from Macy’s face at his announcement. “He did? Tanner didn’t tell me.”
Pruett shrugged it off. “He probably doesn’t want to make you feel bad. Sorry to be the one to break the news to you.”
A horrible, sickly feeling had washed over Macy. The fact that Tanner hadn’t told her said a lot. “I see.”
Pruett frowned as if apologetic, even though the emotion didn’t quite reach his green eyes. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, I’m glad you did. I don’t want Tanner to miss out on something because of me.”
“I know it would be easy for resentment to build up,” Pruett said.
Resentment? Yes. Macy couldn’t go into a marriage knowing she’d stopped Tanner from reaching his dreams. “Yes, you’re totally right.”
Back in the present, Macy pushed away the thoughts, having no desire to relive that time in her life. Against her desires and maybe even her good sense, she felt conflicted about the past, about the future, and about everything in between.
Macy closed her eyes. She wasn’t sure how to react to Tanner when she saw him again this morning. Because now, after finally talking to him, she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d made a mistake five years ago. Her head pounded at the thought.
When Addie woke up a few minutes later, Macy knew she couldn’t hide out any longer. She needed to use the kitchen to prepare a bottle for a hungry Addie.
She quickly got dressed before gathering the baby into her arms and emerging from her bedroom. She tried to slip into the kitchen unnoticed when she heard someone call out behind her.
“Morning,” Tanner said.
She gasped, not expecting to see him sitting on the couch with a newspaper in his hands. “Morning.”
“Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I was just…” She decided it was better not to deny it. “Yeah, actually, you did scare me.”
“My apologies.” He folded his paper, stood, and held something out to her. “I thought you might need this.”
She stared at the baby bottle in his hands. “You fixed Addie something to eat?”
“I heard her wake up and I know how she gets when she’s hungry. I figured the less time she had to wait, the better.”
“Smart thinking. Thank you.” She took the bottle, hating how nervous she suddenly felt. She sat on the end of the couch and offered the bottle to Addie. The baby hungrily devoured her breakfast.
She smiled as she looked down at Addie’s face. The baby girl was just perfect, Macy realized, from her curly dark hair to her infectious grin. At the end of this, Macy just might have her heart broken again when Addie moved on. She didn’t even want to think about it.
Tanner sat at the other end of the couch, looking surprisingly at ease. “How’d you sleep?”
“As to be expected,” she said. “I just keep having nightmares about this entire situation.”
“I understand. I’m sorry you were pulled into it.”
“Stop apologizing. It’s not your fault.”
“I know. But I still wish you didn’t have to go through this. I realize how unnerving it can be.”
“Certainly you’re not unnerved?”
He shrugged. “Every once in a while, even I feel unsettled.”
“Well, at least that makes you human. In case there were any doubts.” She said the words lightheartedly, but he’d always seemed a bit like a superhero to her, like he could handle anything.
Even their breakup. She’d known Tanner would be just fine. He had an inner strength that was admirable. That inner strength was even more noticeable now that he was a Christian because the power wasn’t coming from himself. No, it was coming from his faith in a Higher Power. “Devin got back to me this morning about those women we looked into who could be Addie’s mom.” Tanner shifted the subject and looked notably more serious with his darkened gaze.
Macy felt herself stiffen with anticipation. “Okay. And?”
“The woman who was killed in the car accident has been identified. Her name was…Sarah Lewis.” He pulled something up on his phone. “This is her picture. Ever seen her before?”
Macy stared at the picture. It only took her a moment to recognize the woman there. She pulled in a deep breath, and her eyes widened as realization hit her.
“Yes, actually, I do know her,” Macy said. “I know exactly who Sarah Lewis is.”