Chapter Thirty-Four

Samantha started her sad story. “After our marriage, we retired to our chambers, and I waited for my husband. He knocked on my door and I was happy to see him. He asked me to sit and hear him out. He went on to inform me that he was impotent, could never father children and that I was free, with his blessing, to have another sire them, and he would recognize the offspring. She sipped the brandy for the courage to continue. “He apologized, and left the room.” Tears glistened in her eyes. Samantha gazed at Raven her hands choking the brandy glass.

“The unbelievable scoundrel treated you with callousness.”

“Nightmares still haunt me of that moment. How could he do such a cruel thing?” Samantha pulled Raven down to her, “What could I do?” Her forehead frowned as she spoke of the polite society that would rip her to shreds. She and her family’s name would suffer.

“So I said nothing and crawled back to my virginal bed. “He shut me out of his life.” She gasped and spoke in a rapid voice. “I was in such a state of disbelief I couldn’t function. I didn’t know what to do, who to tell, or what to say. Then, a few weeks later I found myself an unconsummated widow.”

Raven reached for her, took her glass and placed it on the bedside table. He held her close to his chest, her head beneath his chin.

“If you knew ahead of time, would you have married him?” Raven pressed a tender kiss to her temple.

“I don’t think so, for I wanted children. Now that I do know something about the union between a man and a woman, I couldn’t have been faithful to him for long. I could never cuckold my husband. Marriage is a sacred union sanctioned by God. He made it a sham.” Her voice reduced to a soft whisper until she held his gaze and said, “I trusted him. I trusted him to be true. He lied to me. That’s why trust in our relationship, yours and mine, takes prominence. That’s why I didn’t ask for a commitment from you.”

“So you gave away the country estate and converted the townhouse to a school?” He fingered the silk coverlet’s corded design.

“I wanted nothing to remind me of him. Consumed with anger and resentment to forgive and forget in totality, I recognized this is what men can do to women. We are helpless and dependent upon them, and I vowed not to let it happen again. As time passed, reconciliation became obvious, but no one attracted my attention. There were a few offers for my hand, but I refused them and wanted to scare men away.”

He held her hand with a gentle touch.

“This was the reason why I became so disrespectful of you. You attracted me, and it frightened me to my core. I didn’t want to be hurt again by a man. I didn’t need them.” Samantha yielded her eyes to him and extended him a sly grin. “Then you showed me differently, Raven.”

As sanity started its wayward return, somewhat mortified now, she searched his steel gray eyes for something other than regret. “I don’t like what I see on your face. You pity me. I’m not such an object.”

****

Raven spoke in a soft voice, “Don’t read anything into this. It was unexpected. You’ve lived with this sadness for over three years, and I’m now to deal with it for the last hour or so.” He stroked her cheeks with his fingers and lovingly traced her nose and lips. He lifted one hand and set his forefinger beneath her chin. “It would appear, Samantha, we both had honor as well as courage, but you were the one with the virtue. I’m not content with my actions.” His hand went to his head as if to soothe an ache away as he was wont to do.

“Are you annoyed with me?” she asked through teary eyes.

“No, I’m not. It’s too late for such recriminations. I wish you would have told me though and not let me presume your experience as a widow. I was a man of honor, yet my anger is with the audacity of the scoundrel you married. Your courage makes me ashamed.”

He moved away from her. “Samantha, I do understand what you went through, and I’m in awe of you. You could have cringed in pity and denial. Instead, you chose to take the high road, deny yourself intimacies, and founded your charity. You’re a monumental woman.” Raven turned toward her. “So no one knew about this except you?”

“I told Aunt Minerva two weeks ago, but I didn’t dwell on the circumstance. Raven, I didn’t want to die a spinster, to never have sampled the fruits of love and passion. So I vowed if I could find a man of interest to me, I would make sure of his potency and gift him with my virginity.” She looked up at him with a coquettish glance. “I chose you.”

He moved to her side again.

Samantha buried her head against his dark, damp chest. The sensitive hairs sent out electric shocks. “Of all the men I knew, and none like this, I thought you could scale my walls, appreciate my intellect and unfreeze my arctic heart.”

Raven smiled at her. “Did I pass muster?” he jested.

“Oh, yes, Raven. You did. And then some.”

His heart was torn asunder by her tragic tale.

Samantha spoke warily, “I’m not an experienced lover. How could I be? I want to be one for you.” Her inner thoughts couldn’t find the words. He might be the man she could now love. If she was with him, nothing else mattered. She wanted to be significant in his life, this she knew without a doubt.

“Did your Aunt Minerva know of your present for me?” He engaged her eyes and gifted her with a small grin that curled his upper lip.

“No, she knows about the book. You should read my note. The words are for you alone.”

“I will, but right now, I want to hold you, protect you and keep you safe.” Her vulnerability reached out to him—and this incredible desire overtook him to protect her from all possible harm—to become her shining knight.

Raven, wracked with guilt, couldn’t understand how he could have been so unaware. He blamed himself more than he blamed her. In actuality, the blame was shared between them.

“Is what we just did lust or passion?” Samantha asked.

“Perhaps it’s both. Sometimes they are evil twins. Although I do believe lust is lascivious and passion is not.”

“Is that all there is to this intimate act of bed sport?” Samantha asked.

He laughed, shook his head, and pushed her away for a moment, somewhat incredulous. “Do you feel it was insufficient?” He arched his brow.

She smiled up at him. “No. It personified perfection, ever much so. Perhaps it was even glorious. I have heard such tales about the dreaded wedding night, about the act, and a lot of the matriarchs say a wife should acquiesce and get it over with. Those were the exact words used.”

He liked the way she blushed. “I didn’t want to stop. Everything was enjoyable. If there is more to learn, will you educate me in these ways?”

In a moment of swift jealousy, he wondered why she wanted to learn more. Could it be to pleasure him, or someone else? He didn’t anticipate this turn of events. Raven didn’t want to believe he could have been so gullible—and so gratified.

Eyelids lowered, she asked, “Did I satisfy you?”

“Much more than you know, my dear, for passion suits you well. You could make any man lose his senses. In truth, you made me lose mine. Samantha you’ve gifted me with something a woman can give once in a lifetime to one man. I’m honored I am that man. I just wish I would have known. There should have been a choice, and grant you, I might have committed the same act, but it would have been honorable.”

“He kissed the top of her head, “You do know that there could be consequences from this bed sport, don’t you?”

Angelic eyes looked up into his, “Do you mean children?”

“Yes. Consequence is a delicate way to phrase it.” This aspect killed him.

“While the most wonderful experience of my life, it hurt some, but after that, it felt like a reward, would you agree?” She paused then added in a soft voice, “Then we shall have to deal with consequences when we cross that bridge.”

“No, we will deal with this now.” He became adamant. “No child of mine will be born a bastard as the result of a by-blow.”

His words shocked her. “Is it your declaration that you would marry a woman you didn’t love if you were sure she carried your child?”

“I state, without equivocation, no child of mine will suffer because of my ignoble actions. I’d marry a she-devil to legitimize my heir.”

The ferocity of his words sobered her. She would never forget them. All of this was new to her. Passion requited. Fear of what she did. Regrets? No, never could there be regrets of this one night with him, but couldn’t he say he loved her just a tiny bit? No, that would signify nothing between them was done in tiny bits.

“Raven, you may not have a choice in this. Please don’t adopt a superior tone with me. Has no one told you that you could get more with honey than vinegar? I need time to adjust to my non-virginal condition. I’m now a true woman. Thank you.” It amazed her at the wonder of it all. “You’ve changed my life. I can never be the same again, and will treasure this one night always.” Fear raised its claw. “No more talk. It’s so little to ask of you.”

“On the contrary, you ask much of me, Samantha. Would I have known ahead of time you still possessed your virginity, there is nothing in this world that would have made me succumb to your significant charms. You deceived me with intent to do so. Damnation.”

“You are economical with the truth,” she hurled back. Samantha reached out. Her arms outstretched like a frightened child. “How like a man to blame the woman. I’m cold.” Now tears trickled her cheeks.

He came to the arms that invited him, covered her with his body and pulled the comforter over them again. His lips kissed both sides of her mouth lost in awe of her. His hand caught a furtive tear and wiped it away. This, too, killed him.

“I do want children.” She punctuated her laughter with many kisses to him. She counted them out to him one at a time. “One kiss for each child.”

“Does that mean four children would be acceptable?”

“At least until we created an heir.”

“Samantha, we don’t live in a fairy tale. Magic is what we recreate together, not apart. I assume you want children within the bonds of marriage?” he asked.