It’s too bad Guinness has declared some attempts as unsafe. Otherwise, I might be able to complete the record for most hours without sleep.
I pull out my phone and am almost tempted to go on the Guinness website. Instead, I start a group text with Jesse and Brandon.
Me: Anybody awake?
Jesse: Phone just buzzed. So I am now.
Me: Can’t sleep.
Brandon: Try counting sheep? Might be some in your living room.
Jesse: You should consider blocking him.
Me: :/
Me: Jesse: You know, maybe this isn’t so bad. Maybe this really is your chance to get a world record???
Me: Your mom’s costume got here after you left.
Brandon: Is that a yo’ momma joke?
Me: Nope. Allie’s costume is sitting in the living room as we type.
Jesse: Still though. There are worse things that could happen.
Brandon: Is he serious right now?
Brandon: J, u serious right now?
Jesse: Just saying. In the grand scheme of things…
Brandon: That isn’t what we are talking about. At all.
Me: Going to bed
Brandon: Early bird gets the worm
Brandon: Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite
Brandon: See ya later, alligator
Brandon: After while, crocodile
Jesse: Officially turning my phone off now
Both Jesse and Brandon have promised not to say a word about this to anybody. At lunch we find our own table so we can talk. At least, that’s my excuse for why we have to sit alone. Really, I don’t trust either of them to stay quiet.
“I just can’t believe,” Brandon says, “you’ve done this your entire life and haven’t broken a record. I’m just fully appreciating this all. I mean, fail after fail after fail.”
Jesse gives Brandon a deserved are-you-kidding-me look.
“You just kept going. That many losses. Can you even imagine?”
“Yes.” I glare at him. “I can.”
“Wait.” Brandon sits up. “What if you could win for losing? Then you’d have the record and you wouldn’t have to do another. And your parents wouldn’t unleash themselves upon the school.” He holds his hands up. “I solved everything. I’m a genius.”
I rub my face. “Won’t work. There are rules. You have to be able to measure the attempts.”
“Do you know how many attempts you’ve made?” Jesse asks.
“Yeah. They’re in Mom’s office. But there’s no way to prove we’ve actually tried to break the record. Like maybe the goal was to fail.”
“Makes sense. I mean, I bet they don’t believe anybody could even accidentally be so bad at so much.”
“Give up. Let it happen.”
Brandon shakes his head. “Nah. Doesn’t sound like something you’d do. Acceptance is not really your strong suit.”
“Geez,” Jesse says. “Just keep kicking him while he’s down.”
“I meant that as a compliment. Plus, now I’m working with you instead of against you. And I happen to be the master of”—he pauses and smirks—“sabotage.”
“Whatever,” Jesse says as he shoves his trash in a bag.
“Please refer to my most recent work: the Kangaroo Milo.”
“Photoshopping does not make you the master of anything.”
“What about tanking Milo in math?”
“He did that himself.”
“Did he now?” Brandon raises his eyebrows. “Because only one of us cares about our grades.”
Jesse sits up straighter. “I don’t believe you,” he says.
“Yes, you do,” Brandon says. “Which is also another example. You don’t want to like me. But still, you’re impressed. You’re thinking it’s possible I’m an evil genius.”
Jesse nods. “Yeah, but I’d leave the genius part out.”
“Remember,” I say to Jesse. “We’re all friends now.”
Brandon leans his chair back onto two legs. “Yup. Friends who will, together, master the art of”—he looks around—“sabotage.”
Jesse’s jaw clenches.
“See?” Brandon points to Jesse. “I just mastered you. Now you’re not thinking clearly and I can control you.”
“No, you can’t,” Jesse snaps.
“Or did I just succeed?” Brandon crosses his arms.
“So, then, what do we do next?” I ask. “How do we stop the record attempt?”
“All we have to do is figure out why all the past records didn’t work and do that.”
Jesse frowns. “This is totally going to fail.” He looks at me. “You sure about this?”
“No. But unfortunately it’s the best we’ve got.”
“Aww!” Brandon says. “Pretty sure that’s the exact same thing my parents say about me.”