When the doorbell rang, Carrie hurried to answer it, glad Katie had arrived. She didn’t know what had happened to her over the past week. She couldn’t believe the honesty that came out of her mouth when she was talking to Brian lately. Befriending Lisa and the idea that she and Brian might actually have a child had given her more courage than she’d ever possessed. Was it courage…or recklessness? Courage…or the foolhardiness of wanting to spill everything about her life to Brian?
She knew she couldn’t do that yet, not now with all this tension between them. He’d made it clear he thought right was right and wrong was wrong. He’d made it clear that nothing absolved a mistake. How could she ever tell him about the abortion, knowing it would probably destroy their marriage?
Opening the door to Katie, she was stunned by the changes she saw in her friend. They’d met each other about three years ago at a local health club. Katie had just started a minimal exercise regimen. Back then she’d been overweight, had dressed inconspicuously and had worn glasses. She’d always let her brown hair fall long and straight, and it had hidden her face. Over the past few months, Katie had finally dropped quite a few pounds. However recently, Carrie had noticed other changes in her friend besides the weight she’d lost. She hadn’t seen her since December, though, when she’d loaned her a dress for the bachelor auction and charity ball. Then Katie had gone down another dress size and hadn’t had time to shop. In Carrie’s closet they’d found an emerald sequined gown that had fit perfectly. Today her glasses were gone, and her hair was short and wispy around her face. Her black leggings and tall boots were topped by a hunter-green jacket.
“You look wonderful!” Carrie exclaimed before she could stop herself.
Katie gave her a shy smile. “You think so? This is the new me. I’m still trying to get used to her.”
“Come on in.”
After Katie came inside and unzipped her jacket, Carrie could see she wore a green cashmere sweater underneath that hugged her new figure.
“You know, if I’d seen you out on the street, I don’t think I would have recognized you.”
Looking away for a moment, Katie folded her jacket over her arm. “I’ve had that reaction before,” she murmured.
Carrie wondered what was causing the sadness in her voice. Although Carrie loved her sisters dearly, she’d been the oldest and more like a second mother. Katie had become a good friend because they were around the same age with concerns they could share.
Taking her friend’s coat, she hung it in the foyer closet. “Dinner will be ready shortly.”
“Will Brian be joining us?”
“Yes. And we have a houseguest.”
Katie looked taken aback. “Oh, I didn’t know you were having company.”
Her friend had always been shy and reserved, and Carrie tried to put her at ease. “Lisa’s not exactly company. She’s an unwed mother who’s staying with us until she delivers her baby. Brian and I are hoping to adopt.”
“That’s terrific! When is she due?”
“Soon.” Carrie hooked her arm through her friend’s and guided her into the living room. “Can you believe I might become an instant mother?”
Sitting on the sofa, the two women grinned at each other. “After all the waiting and all the procedures, you’re going to be a great mom. I can see you’re obviously excited. Is Brian as thrilled as you are?”
Although she and Katie were close, Carrie had never told her about the rape or the abortion. But Katie did know how much she wanted a baby and how much Brian wanted a family.
Carrie felt as if she needed someone to talk to about all of this. “I’m not sure how Brian feels. Sometimes I think he’s excited, but then others… I think he wants his own child. I’m so afraid he won’t be able to accept this baby if we adopt him, that he’ll think I let him down and we’ll never have the perfect family he’s always wanted because of me.”
Katie’s expression turned somber. “Have you talked to him about your concerns?”
“In a way. But I’m not always sure Brian knows what he’s feeling, or will admit it.”
“Did you go through an agency?”
“Yes, through Children’s Connection.”
“Did any of this come up during the interviews?”
“The questions came up and Brian answered them to the caseworker’s satisfaction. He said he can accept an infant as his own. But he’s having trouble accepting Lisa.”
“Trouble?”
“She’s…different. She’s homeless, and she can be defiant sometimes. I think Brian just wanted someone to put a baby into our arms and then he could pretend the baby was his. I think he’s having trouble with Lisa because she reminds him this infant won’t be our biological child.”
“Oh, Carrie.” Katie’s voice was sympathetic.
Brushing her hair behind her ear, Carrie shook her head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lay this on you.”
Katie clasped Carrie’s hand. “We’re friends. You can talk to me whenever you want.”
“Thanks.” After taking a deep breath and shoving her problems aside, Carrie suggested, “Let’s talk about you. How were your holidays? With this new look, they must have been busy and exciting. Did you wear the dress you borrowed to the bachelor auction and ball?” The emerald-green dress was one of a kind. The designer’s trademark was evident in the scalloped hem with its distinctive embroidery. The fashion designer had given it to Carrie on her very last modeling assignment. Brian had always liked the dress and kept a picture on his desk of her wearing it.
“I wore it,” Katie said without elaboration.
“How was the event? Brian and I had another commitment that night but I would have liked to have gone. I heard Jenny Hall won a date with Eric Logan. Or shouldn’t I mention the Logan name?” The Crosbys and Logans’ long-standing feud often fueled gossip in the social circles around Portland.
Looking down at her hands in her lap, Katie said, “I hear Jenny and Eric are very happy, that their date led to a lot more and they’re engaged. But you’re right, I’d rather not talk about the Logans.”
Carrie noticed Katie twisting her hands nervously. The Logans no doubt brought up bad memories for her friend. Katie had been a baby when Robbie Logan had been kidnapped, but she’d grown up in the Crosby family with the repercussions of it. However, Carrie thought Katie had gone on with her own life and put most of that in the past.
A little too quickly, Katie offered, “I spoke to Danny last week. He said you and Brian might take a trip to Hawaii.”
Carrie remembered Ted and Brian talking about the possibility of asking Danny to be a reference for their Hawaiian deal. “Maybe Brian will be taking a trip to Hawaii, but I won’t. I don’t feel I should leave Lisa. Once her baby’s born—our baby—I won’t want to go anywhere.”
So intent on her conversation with her friend, Carrie hadn’t been aware of Brian and Lisa coming into the room.
Brian’s deep voice was gruff. “Hawaii’s still up in the air. I didn’t know you’d made up your mind about it, Carrie.”
“I’ve thought about it a lot,” she admitted, meeting his gaze. “Traveling with you this time just doesn’t seem right.”
She could almost hear what he was thinking—a lot of things between them now didn’t seem right.
Addressing Lisa, Katie tried to diffuse the tension in the air. “I’m Katie Crosby. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You, too,” Lisa said, lowering herself into an armchair. “You’re as pretty as Carrie. Were you a model, too?”
Katie laughed. “Afraid not. I work in research and development with Crosby Systems.”
“She’s being modest.” Carrie tore her eyes from her husband’s and explained to Lisa, “She’s a vice president.”
“Wow! What did you take in college?”
Relieved when the conversation moved in the direction of what colleges Lisa might be interested in, Carrie excused herself to get dinner ready to put on the table.
Although Brian spoke with Katie and Lisa, he didn’t seem to have much to say to Carrie during dinner. She tried to pretend nothing was wrong, but she was having a hard time. Her friend wasn’t fooled by polite conversation that revolved in large around her sister Ivy, who had married a prince and become queen of Lantanya. The royal couple would be having a baby in April.
Lisa was fascinated by the fairy-tale story and she got along well with Katie. Carrie knew she shouldn’t be surprised. Katie was a compassionate woman. She patiently answered Lisa’s questions about Ivy, college and her work at Crosby Systems.
After dinner, Carrie quickly loaded the dishwasher and joined everyone in the living room. When she did, Brian excused himself to work in his office.
The women soon found themselves talking about fashions and clothes Katie had bought for her new image. She produced a picture and showed Lisa what she used to look like.
“I never knew anybody who had a makeover,” Lisa said.
Katie laughed. “Well, now you do.”
Finally Katie admitted she had to be going. “I have an early day tomorrow.”
As Lisa went to her room, Carrie walked her friend to the door.
When Katie gave her a hug, she was encouraging. “Everything will work out with Brian and Lisa. You’ll see. If you need to talk, give me a call.”
Carrie gave Katie a tight squeeze. “Thanks. I’ll do that.”
A few minutes later, Katie had gone and Carrie stopped at Lisa’s bedroom to say good-night. The teenager smiled at her. “I like your friend. She’s cool.”
“I like her, too. I guess that’s why we’re friends.”
“Vice president of a company. That’s really something.”
“Do you want to be vice president of a company? You could. Business management is offered at a lot of colleges.”
“Yeah, I saw that. Mr. Summers was a big help showing me how to get around the sites.”
“I’m glad he could help you.”
“He showed me how to download applications. I’m going to list this address as my home address.”
She said it almost hesitantly, and Carrie realized Lisa still wasn’t sure they’d let her stay even after the baby was born. “That’s fine. This is where you’ll be.” Carrie suddenly had an idea that would involve Lisa more in their lives as well as in the community.
“I’m emceeing a telethon to encourage people to register for bone marrow transplants.”
“That’s where they donate their bone marrow, right? And then it’s given to somebody else?”
“Right. People are going to call in and sign up and then later someone from the hospital will follow up with anyone who telephones. How would you like to man one of the phone lines?”
“Me? You’d let me do that?”
“Sure. I think you’re responsible enough to take down all the necessary information. You’ll get a chance to see the TV studio and get out for a bit. What do you think?”
“I don’t know. I guess I can’t wear jeans.”
Carrie smiled. “We did buy that one dressier outfit. It’d be perfect.”
“When is the telethon?”
“Tuesday evening.”
“It’s not like my social calendar’s full or anything,” Lisa muttered. After another moment’s thought, she said, “All right. I’ll do it.”
“Great! I’ll sign you up. You get a good night’s sleep, and I’ll see you at breakfast.”
After Carrie closed the door to Lisa’s room, she went to Brian’s office. His door was slightly ajar and she could hear him talking on the phone. She’d wait for him upstairs no matter how late it was when he came up.
Carrie had been reading for about an hour when Brian entered the bedroom. He was wearing a red-and-black Henley shirt today and black jeans. His hair was mussed as if he’d run his hand through it a few times.
“I stopped at your office after I said good-night to Lisa, but you were on the phone.”
“A call to Japan,” he said absently. Then, looking at her in her nightgown, he suddenly suggested, “Let’s get into the hot tub.”
“The hot tub?” She couldn’t remember the last time they’d gotten in together. Once in a while in the evening she took a long soak. Now and then, after his exercise regimen in the mornings, Brian would get in for a short amount of time. He didn’t like to relax there as she did with music playing in the background.
“It’s getting late,” she said softly.
“Does it matter?” His question was almost a challenge.
Rising to her feet, she thought the hot tub might be a good place to talk—no interruptions, no phones ringing, just the two of them in the gazebo in the middle of the winter night.
Crossing to the closet, she said, “I’ll change into my bathing suit.”
“Just wear a robe.”
Her gaze met his and a thrill of excitement rushed through her. Maybe he intended for both of them to simply be comfortable. Maybe he intended more. But with Lisa in the house…
As if reading her thoughts, he assured her, “Lisa’s tucked into her bedroom for the night. After what happened with the alarm last time, I don’t think she’ll venture outside.”
He was right about that. Suddenly the idea of being in the hot tub naked with her husband unnerved Carrie. They had things to discuss, they had their relationship to talk about. Maybe, Carrie hoped, that would lead to an intimacy they never had before.
A few minutes later, Carrie had wrapped herself in a long, fluffy yellow terry-cloth robe and slipped into sandals. Brian’s robe was a navy-and-wine geometric design she’d bought him one Christmas. She wasn’t sure he’d ever worn it before. He didn’t bother with shoes.
When he let her precede him down the stairs, she felt a bit breathless. Her hand went to her hair. She’d used a scrunchie and fashioned it into a high ponytail. She’d also worn no makeup and now she wished she’d at least added a touch of lipstick.
The walk from the stairway through the family room seemed endless. Brian opened the doors onto the flagstone patio and they stepped outside.
“Your feet are going to get cold,” she said inanely as they crossed the patio to a short, curved concrete path that led to the gazebo-shaped hot tub enclosure.
“They’ll warm up fast enough in the hot water.” His gaze met hers.
It was a cold January night, and it seemed to warm up more than a January night should. She hardly noticed the stars or the sliver of moon in the sky that was huge and black and enveloping in spite of the outdoor lights.
After Brian opened the door to the hot tub house and flipped the switch on the wall, he set the jets on the hot tub on low. There were blue lights set in the floor around the perimeter of the gazebo and now he switched those on, too.
Carrie stopped by a small redwood bench, sat on it, and removed her sandals while Brian uncovered the tub, set the cover aside and switched on the interior hot tub lights. Steam rose into the enclosed space, and he opened two of the jalousie windows to let the cooler night air in. As Carrie prepared to drop her robe, steam billowed from the tub and swirls of white wisps bathed the gazebo in almost otherworldly light. After Brian dropped his robe onto a redwood chair, he waited for Carrie at the steps, then offered her his hand.
He almost took her breath away. He was a magnificent-looking man. His shoulders were broad, the muscles in his upper arms defined. Curling light brown hair matted his chest from his throat to his navel. Carrie’s breath became more shallow and she decided to forgo further appraisal of him. She would be too obvious. He would know what she was thinking. Wouldn’t he?
That was what this was all about tonight—learning what the other was thinking, finding something they’d lost, reaching for something new.
Taking his hand, she climbed the two steps. Brian joined her and waited. She eased herself down onto the lip of the tub, then onto the seat. With room for six people, the hot tub almost felt like a small swimming pool.
However, as Brian lowered himself into the water beside her on the bench seat, he seemed to fill up the tub. Cool air became nonexistent, and she was lost in the swirl of mist as she watched her husband’s face. She didn’t know where to start with him, and she wondered now how they could have grown apart so much. Wanting to have a child should have brought them closer together. But she’d become lost in her guilt, and he’d become intent on his determination. Their paths had veered away from each other.
Needing to put words between them, needing to find a thread they could weave into something meaningful, she grasped the first topic that popped into her head. “Katie looks wonderful, doesn’t she?”
“Yes, she does. Did she say why she suddenly made herself over?”
“Not really. She didn’t seem to want to talk about herself except for her job. In fact, I thought she seemed a bit distracted.”
“You didn’t ask why?”
“I didn’t feel I should pry. She’ll tell me whatever it is when she’s ready.”
There had been a few inches separating them on the bench, but now Brian moved closer to Carrie, stretched his arm out behind her and entwined one of his fingers around the hair of her ponytail. “I don’t want to talk about Katie.”
Tipping her head back, she looked up into his intense dark eyes. The blue glow of the perimeter lights faded into the yellow light emanating from the bottom of the tub. The mist between them seemed to float away or else it evaporated in the electric current zapping between them.
“What do you want to talk about?” she whispered, thinking about things like trust, time together, a new baby.
Untangling his fingers from her hair, he bent closer to her. “Maybe I don’t want to talk at all.”
Before she could protest that they had to, his fingers went to the scrunchie in her hair. “Mind if your hair gets wet?”
She was so torn between knowing she should force the conversation between them and just living in this moment with Brian. This was something they hadn’t done for a very long time. She wanted him as much as he wanted her. Yet the wanting wasn’t enough, was it? Hadn’t the past year shown both of them that? Hadn’t Lisa’s presence and the idea of adopting a baby magnified the rift between them?
Her answer now and the way she responded to all of this would set the course of their future. Except for the very first night when she’d feared intimacy with Brian might resurrect flashbacks or take her back to a place she’d fought to get clear of, she’d never hesitated to let him awaken her desire. Even that first night her fears had been unfounded because the counseling had helped her clear her decks and she’d been ready for the gentleness, tenderness and passion that had gone along with Brian’s love. She knew tonight she needed to welcome that passion again.
Afterward they could talk.
“I don’t mind if my hair gets wet,” she assured him.
Brian’s slow smile made her pulse race unchecked. Taking the scrunchie from her hair, he set it on the lip of the tub. When he slid his hand up the back of her neck and shook out her long chestnut waves, she could tell he took pleasure from it.
“Come here,” he whispered, and he brought her close—a breath’s distance away. “It’s been too long,” he murmured as he brushed his thumb over her lips.
It did feel like forever since they’d made love, since he’d held her, since they’d lost themselves in each other. There was no need to speak as he first nibbled at the corner of her lips then bathed them with his tongue.
She clasped his shoulders, dizzy with desire, afraid she’d float away from him.
As he kissed first her upper lip, then her lower lip, teasing her unmercifully, she felt her breath come in short gasps. She wanted to beg him to do more, but she couldn’t find her voice and she didn’t want him to stop what he was doing. As if sensing that her need for his touch was increasing, his hand slipped under the water to caress her breast. When he fingered her nipple, she moaned. The whirl of the water against her skin, the mist swelling around them, the heat and cold mixing in the air awakened all of her senses until touch was the most acute of all.
His large hands caressed her everywhere, from her nipples to her waist to the most intimate place of all. He seemed intent on giving her so much pleasure that she was mindless with it, breathless with it, ecstatic with it. She didn’t know how long he teased and tasted, nipped her shoulders while he touched, savored each kiss as if she was the nectar that could give him life. When his hand slipped between her thighs once more, she couldn’t think clearly enough to do anything except arch against him. Water enhanced the slide of his fingers into the intimate heart of her. Soon every tingle in her body was coalescing into a tightening in her womb.
Brian knew exactly where to brush, where to stroke, where to linger until his thumb found the nub that brought on her climax. He kissed her again at the same time, and the cry of pleasure and release was lost into his mouth, into his body. The resonance of it seemed to vibrate through them both and before she could recover, he was sliding onto the reclining bench, pulling her onto his lap, looking into her eyes. His hands were on her hips, and she seemed weightless in the water. Splaying his hands across her backside, he lifted her onto him. As Brian filled her, Carrie braced herself on his chest and closed her eyes.
“This is going to be better than anything you’ve ever felt before,” he promised her.
Brian always kept his promises.
The buoyancy of the water seemed to make everything light, everything easy, everything smooth. Each of Brian’s thrusts became a pleasure-filled journey that took her deeper into their passion. She felt as if she were flying, soaring into another dimension as another climax started to build. The water, the heat, the feel of Brian’s skin, the fullness of him inside of her flowed through her and around her and in her in increasingly engulfing waves. The waves gathered strength, each more explosive than the one before it until she couldn’t tell where one wave stopped and another began…until she couldn’t tell where she stopped and Brian began…until nothing mattered but riding the giant wave wherever it would take her.
Suddenly the crest broke into a thousand waves, each caressing her, each filling her, each shaking her with force. She held on to her husband for dear life. When she cried his name, it echoed in the mist, sounded on the redwood and became a prayer for everything she’d ever needed and wanted from him. She was trembling from the power of the orgasm when Brian’s release came, too. He shuddered under her hands, enfolded her in his arms and brought her close into his chest.
This was exactly where she wanted to be—close to Brian, united with him. Yet she wasn’t sure they were united, not emotionally. They had so much to talk about.
“We’re going to overheat if we stay in here,” he said with a satisfied smile a few minutes later. “Let’s go back to our bedroom.”
When she didn’t respond right away, he asked, “Carrie? Don’t you want to go to the bedroom?”
“I’d like to talk.”
Kissing her forehead, he lifted her from him, then stood. “Talk? Wouldn’t you rather finish what we started here?” He cupped her chin in his hand and his voice went husky and low. “This is what it’s all about.”
His words saddened her, disappointed her and made her ache for so much more. “I don’t think that’s true. Earlier you were upset because I started a conversation we couldn’t finish. We need to finish it. I need to know if you trust me to stay and not leave, if you work so much because you don’t want to get too close.”
“We can’t get closer than we were just now.”
Steam billowed around Brian, making him appear as if he were a Roman hero emerging from the mist. Maybe that was the problem. She wanted a fairy tale, and she was faced with reality.
“I think our physical attraction has always gotten in the way of us getting close emotionally,” she murmured.
After a frustrated groan, he shook his head. “I don’t understand where all this is coming from. You’re trying to psychoanalyze something that isn’t there. Of course, I trust you to stay. You’re nothing like Jackie Dennehy or my mother. You and I have built a life. We’re finally going to have a family. My work is just that—my work. You had a career once. You know how it becomes the center of your life.”
As the water swirled around her, she looked up at her husband. “I gave up my career because you became the center of my life.”
His tone was disbelieving. “Do you resent that now?”
“No, I don’t resent it. I’m trying to make a point. I want to know why you can’t make room for me and a baby. Why can’t we become the center of your life?”
“You’re talking nonsense. Sure, I could retire, but then what? A man needs a worthwhile occupation. I’m good at what I do, Carrie. The problem is, it’s not a nine-to-five job. You knew that when you married me.”
“Yes, I knew that. But I didn’t expect it to be a twenty-four-hour-a-day job, either. I didn’t expect you to use it to keep up defenses, to stay removed from our marriage.”
Raking his hand through his hair, he shook his head. “We’re finally going to have what we’ve always wanted and you’re starting arguments. I don’t get it.”
“I don’t want to argue. I want to discuss. I want to compromise. I want us to trust each other with more than superficial details of everyday life. I don’t want to be a single mom while you’re a father in name only.”
“If you’re worried about how much time a child will take, you can hire a nanny.”
“I don’t want to hire a nanny!” She didn’t think she’d ever raised her voice to him before but now she couldn’t help it.
As she stood, she was almost trembling with the power of the yearning inside of her. “I don’t want to live in a mansion with huge rooms that can never be filled. I want to live in a home, ringing with children’s laughter. I want to bake cookies and watch you roughhouse with our son. I want us to put him to bed together and feed him in the morning. Don’t you see what a real family can be?”
“Maybe I should rent reruns from the fifties to figure it out. I’ll tell you right now ‘Father Knows Best’ wasn’t real life then and it’s not real life now.” With a sigh, he stepped out of the tub. “Why don’t you go on up and get a shower. I’ll close up out here.”
She was so frustrated, she could scream. She couldn’t even suggest couples’ counseling because in counseling, she’d have to be totally honest with him, totally open, totally naked. He wasn’t ready for that any more than she was.
He was already closing the windows when she climbed out, put on her robe and belted it. She had to figure out some way to get through to Brian. Maybe a good night’s sleep would help.
One look at his rigid stance told her he wouldn’t be initiating more lovemaking tonight.
Neither would she. Until they could both shatter the barriers between them, chemistry would be all they had.
It simply wasn’t enough.