Checking her makeup in the downstairs bathroom, Carrie tried to still the butterflies fluttering in her stomach on Tuesday evening. The blush on her cheeks was rosier than she normally used, but it would look good under the lights.
Lights, cameras, microphones. It had been a long time since she’d been a spokeswoman for anything. She had to win over an audience tonight for the sake of the donor registry. At least thoughts of that challenge had helped her overcome her sadness and worry over her argument with Brian Sunday night.
When Carrie heard the garage door open, she gave a start. Brian. He’d left this morning before she was up. There had been a note for her on the refrigerator.
Carrie—I’ll be home in time to take you to the studio. B.
When Brian came into the kitchen, he was carrying his briefcase and a newspaper under his arm. He looked at her as if he didn’t know what to say for a moment and then obviously decided saying nothing about the two of them was best.
He held out the paper to her. “Have you seen this?”
Opening the Portland Weekly, a local tabloid, Carrie studied the section Brian mentioned. Her eyes opened in surprise. It was a picture of Peter Logan kissing a woman in what looked like a garden. The headline read, Peter Logan Romances Mystery Woman. The woman was in shadow, but Carrie recognized the hemline of the emerald dress she wore with its scalloped hem and intricate embroidery.
“I recognized that dress,” Brian said. “No wonder Katie seemed distracted.”
“I can’t believe this! Not Katie and Peter Logan. Their families don’t talk—they’re still enemies.”
Brian shrugged. “I know pictures don’t always tell the whole story, but Peter and Katie look pretty friendly there.”
“I wonder why they didn’t publish the photo right after the bachelor auction.”
“Whoever took it probably didn’t realize what they had until they got the pictures developed.”
“And then they sold one to the tabloid,” Carrie agreed, concerned for her friend. “Do you think the Weekly will find out the woman is Katie?”
“I’ll bet they’ve got someone on it now.”
When Carrie heard footsteps, she turned to see Lisa coming through the doorway. She almost didn’t know the girl. “Lisa, don’t you look pretty!”
Lisa’s hair was no longer two-toned, but all blond now. In place of the garish makeup, she wore lipstick in a natural shade she must have purchased on their excursion to the mall. She was wearing the outfit Carrie had suggested would look nice, and the long-sleeved navy-and-red top covered her tattoos.
“The red was only wash-in hair color,” she said, a defiant sparkle back in her eyes.
Brian studied Lisa until he broke into a smile. “You look incredible.”
At that, the teenager blushed. “I figured the cameras might pan across the phones. They do that sometimes, don’t they?”
“They sure do,” Carrie answered with a smile of her own.
“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to stand out. Are we leaving soon?”
Brian cast a questioning glance at Carrie.
“I’m ready. I want to call Katie but I’ll do that later. I don’t want to rush the conversation.” Worried about her friend, Carrie knew Katie hated attention of any kind. If her identity was found out, she’d be mortified.
A half hour later when Carrie, Brian and Lisa arrived at the TV studio, Brian spotted Adam Bartlett immediately. The two men discussed clearing the trees on Cedar Run Ranch on Thursday.
Ever since Adam had donated his bone marrow to his half brother, he and Leigh had been actively involved in the donor registration program. Carrie saw Leigh organizing the phone volunteers and she introduced Lisa to her.
Once Lisa had been assigned a chair and a phone, she said to Carrie, “I know you probably have to get ready. Go ahead. I’ll be fine.”
Carrie affectionately touched Lisa’s arm. “I know you will be, and you really do look wonderful tonight.”
“If I intend to go to college and eventually become a vice president of something, I figured I had to make certain adjustments. Besides, you always look like a million bucks and you hardly wear any makeup at all.”
Carrie could see that the teenager was sincere. Apparently she was a role model for her, and she felt good about that. “I’ll check in with you before the show starts. I have to meet and talk with the families I’m going to be interviewing. It will help us all relax when we finally do get started. If you need anything, just ask Leigh.”
“Okay,” Lisa agreed, then sat at her station.
Fifteen minutes later, Brian found Carrie in the green room with the families. He gave her a thumbs-up sign and told her he’d be in the audience. For a few moments, Carrie’s thoughts wandered to the other night in the hot tub and their argument afterward. It was still floating between them, and she didn’t know how to wipe it away.
As Brian took a seat in the audience and the ninety-minute program began, he watched Carrie, suddenly overtaken by the feeling that he didn’t know her. That was ridiculous! Of course he knew her.
Then why hadn’t he realized before now that their marriage was on rocky terrain? Why hadn’t he seen red flags? In the past two weeks there had been enough of them to blind him—Carrie making a decision to bring Lisa into their house without consulting him, Carrie’s eyes lighting up as she’d taken care of the teenager, Carrie caring for Lisa rather than rejoining their dinner party, Carrie telling him she didn’t want to be a trophy wife, Carrie asking if he trusted her, Carrie saying she was happy but…
That “but” was monumental, filled with countless other things she hadn’t said.
On the monitor, he saw Carrie’s eyes become moist as she spoke to a mother and a young son who had had a bone marrow transplant. The little boy’s hair still hadn’t grown back, and there was so much compassion on Carrie’s face, Brian knew every viewer had to feel it as much as he did. As she interviewed donors about their part in the life-saving procedure, as she drew from doctors their expert opinion about bone marrow transplants, as she made a plea to the viewing public to call and register for the donor program, Brian began to see his wife in a new light.
The hour-and-a-half program passed quickly. After it was over, he saw Carrie was deluged by a number of people who had something to say to her—thank you, congratulations, a warm goodbye. When he checked on Lisa, she was still compiling the forms she’d filled out when Portlanders had called in. Brian couldn’t get over the changes in her since she’d washed the red out of her hair and eliminated the eyeshadow. She looked like any daughter a father might be proud of. With sudden clarity he realized Carrie had seen Lisa’s good qualities before the transformation.
“How did it go?” he asked the teenager now.
As usual, her defenses were up. Her shoulders squared and she said, “It went fine.”
“That was a long time to be taking phone messages,” he said lightly as he noticed her rubbing her back.
“The time flew. I just hope I have everything filled in right.”
“I’m sure you do. As long as you have a contact number, Leigh can do a follow-up if she has to.”
Lisa looked down at the forms in her hand and finally met his eyes again. “I wanted to tell you, I mailed the college applications this morning that we downloaded from your computer.”
“You did? How many?”
“Three—to UCLA, the University of Puget Sound in Tacoma and the University of Colorado at Boulder. Now we’ll see if any of them accept me. I spent a long time on the essays.”
“Did you keep copies? I’d like to read them.”
“Carrie let me use the word processing program on her laptop. I have them saved on disk. I’ll make sure you get a copy. Once I give these forms to Leigh, I’ll be ready to go, but I think I’ll try to find a ladies’ room before we do.”
“That’s fine. Carrie’s still on the set. I’ll be there with her.”
When Brian reached the stage set, he found Carrie talking to a man who looked familiar to him. The guy was in his forties with dark-brown hair, wearing a charcoal pinstriped suit, blue shirt and designer tie. When Carrie caught sight of Brian and introduced the two men, everything fell into place. Charles Gallagher was one of the producers at the TV station. Brian had seen him at Chamber of Commerce meetings.
The two men shook hands. Charles didn’t hesitate to tell Brian why he was talking to Carrie. “Your wife has a gift.”
Brian wasn’t exactly sure what the man meant so he kept quiet and waited.
Gallagher gave Carrie a wide smile. “She’s very humble, but I can tell her interview skills rival anyone’s, even Barbara Walters’!”
“I think you’re exaggerating,” Carrie said with a little laugh.
“I’m not exaggerating in the least. You made everything about this production look easy, and it wasn’t, I know. Parents are emotional about their children, kids clam up, doctors talk in medicalese. You handled all of it brilliantly and that’s why I want to meet with you about doing a talk show.”
“A talk show?” Brian asked now. He could tell Carrie was comfortable with Gallagher and vice versa and he didn’t know if he liked it. Gallagher seemed to have an extra sparkle in his eye whenever he looked at Carrie.
“Yes. The station is considering doing a live talk show every morning. We have the market for it. I want to talk details, but all your wife will say is that she’ll take a meeting with me.”
That surprised Brian. However, Carrie was doing lots of things lately that surprised him.
“Anyway,” Gallagher said, taking Carrie’s hand and squeezing it, “I’ll see you on Thursday morning at nine. Don’t get cold feet on me.”
She smiled. “I won’t.”
After a nod to Brian, Gallagher left them on the empty set.
“The idea of a talk show just came up now?” Brian asked.
“Yes. Of course, I can’t do it, not if we’re going to have a baby. But…”
Brian knew Carrie was hoping for the best scenario—that Lisa would have her baby, give him up for adoption and then go off to college. But there were other possibilities, too.
“You want to be prepared if Lisa decides not to give up her baby.”
“I don’t know if prepared is the right word, but I learned a long time ago not to close doors. There’s no harm in taking a meeting with Charles.”
So they were on a first-name basis. “How long have you known Gallagher?”
“For years, actually. Before we were married, I organized a fashion show. He was the producer on the news then and taped it. We went to dinner a few times.”
Brian suddenly went on alert. “You never told me that.”
“Did you tell me about every woman you dated before we were married?”
“No, of course not.”
“The old double standard?” she asked easily.
Ignoring that question, he commented, “You seemed comfortable with him. Were you involved?”
Carrie had seemed so inexperienced the first time they’d made love that he’d guessed there hadn’t been many men in her life. He’d felt more than once that he’d been her first serious relationship.
“No, we weren’t involved. We might have become good friends, though, but our lives took different directions. He concentrated on his career and I married you.”
“Gallagher isn’t married?”
“Let’s just say he still hasn’t found the right woman.”
“Maybe he wishes he hadn’t let you get away.”
Her eyes widened, and Brian wondered if his suggestion was really that off the mark.
“And you think that’s the reason he’s offering me the talk show?”
“I don’t know what his reasoning is.”
“You don’t believe he thinks I’m really talented?”
“I don’t know his motives. I just know I don’t like the way he looks at you. That gleam in his eye has nothing to do with whether or not you’re a good interviewer.”
“I guess I’ll know after my meeting with him.” There was a coolness in Carrie’s voice that hadn’t been there before.
“I’m not suggesting you don’t take the meeting.”
“What are you suggesting?”
“That you be careful when you do.”
Her chin rose a notch and color marked her cheeks. “I haven’t lived in a bubble since I married you, Brian. I’ve dealt with men on the hospital board, doing foundation work, not to mention all your colleagues and associates. I know who’s safe and who isn’t. I have built-in radar.”
Something about the way she said that made him ask, “And where did that come from?”
She seemed to hesitate a moment, then she gave a little shrug. “I guess it came from knowing what some photographers were thinking when they looked through the camera lens when I posed for them. There were some I liked to work with and some I didn’t. I appreciate your protective streak, but I really don’t need it. I’m not eighteen, I’m twenty-seven, and I know self-defense.”
Not much she could have said would have surprised him more. “When did you learn self-defense?”
Again there were a few moments of hesitation. Finally, she replied, “I took the first class when I was nineteen. Since then, I’ve taken a refresher course about once a year.”
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“It’s just one of the things I do when you’re gone, Brian, just like working out at the gym, yoga and flower arranging.”
“Don’t act as if we don’t spend any time together. We do. If I don’t know something about you, it’s because you haven’t told me.”
Now his wife went paler. “If you check your daily planner for the past year, and you add up the time you think we spent together, I doubt if it would be as much as you believe.”
Carrie’s gaze veered away from his, and when it did, she caught sight of Lisa. Beckoning to the eighteen-year-old, she broke into a smile. “Leigh told me you did a great job of manning the phone. How are you feeling?”
“Like I could eat a hot fudge sundae—hot fudge over mint-chocolate-chip ice cream.”
Though Brian was distracted by everything he and Carrie had talked about, he was developing a fondness for this teenager. “I know an ice cream shop that will still be open. One hot fudge sundae coming up.”
When he glanced at Carrie, she avoided his gaze. While they were eating, maybe he could figure out which way to go with his wife. How to pull her closer instead of pushing her away. Somehow tonight the chasm between them had opened wider. He had to find a way to close it, and close it soon.
The following afternoon, as Brian took Exit 28 off of I-84, Carrie finally guessed where they were going. Brian hadn’t left the house as early this morning as he usually did and when he’d had breakfast with her, he’d asked if she wanted to take a drive with him this afternoon. After their conversation last night at the TV station, she didn’t know what he had planned. But now she knew they were headed for Bridal Veil Falls State Park. The area used to be a logging center, and large timber stands were everywhere. She remembered absolutely everything about this place. Bridal Veil Falls was where Brian had proposed to her.
After they exited the car, Brian suggested, “Let’s take the upper trail.”
That trail took visitors around the precipice and the cliffs of the Columbia River Gorge. It was an awesome sight even in the winter, or maybe especially in the winter. She and Brian hadn’t talked much during their ride here. There was a tension between them now that never seemed to go away. Old boundaries between them seemed too restrictive but they hadn’t formed new ones yet. Everything seemed to be changing.
She didn’t know if that was good or bad.
It was definitely different.
When she thought again about making love with Brian in the hot tub the other night, she knew they could have so much more than they did have. Did Brian want more? Or did he want everything to stay the same? She had the feeling “same” was a thing of the past.
The trail was neatly fenced with beams and wire to protect onlookers. Every view of the gorge was spectacular. The scents of rock, firs and damp underbrush were strong, and she hiked beside Brian, often casting quick glances at him. Her husband was wearing a sheepskin jacket and jeans. Rain was common in January, but today a reflection of sun glowed out between the clouds.
They were the only ones on the viewing platform. Bridal Veil Falls was two-tiered. The water fell from the top of nearby Larch Mountain, over the cliffs and into the river. Carrie concentrated on the beautiful veil of water, remembering Brian’s proposal. That day, before she’d accepted his offer of marriage, she should have told him everything. If he’d walked away then, she would have survived. If he walked away now—
“No land developer could create anything that would match this,” Brian said in a low voice.
Brian wasn’t the type of developer to put together a deal on a mall simply to make a profit. He believed in revering the natural setting as much as possible. They’d talked about that a lot when they’d first met, and she knew Brian was still committed to that concept.
She was turned toward the falls, away from him. Brian clasped her shoulder and nudged her around.
The wind tossed her hair and although she could have raised the hood on her parka, she didn’t. Brian’s gaze was too intent, too searching, and she felt paralyzed in the moment.
“I brought you here so we’d have some time together today, so we could talk—away from the city, away from Lisa, away from everything that seems to be dragging us down lately.”
“It’s beautiful here.” Her heart was beating so fast, it was hard to catch her breath.
“You’re beautiful,” Brian murmured and took her face between his hands.
His skin was warm on her cheeks. There was desire in his eyes and something else, too…something much deeper. However, what he felt wasn’t based on truth. She realized now she had projected an image to him. She’d become that image. She understood after all these years, she was fighting it, fighting to show him who she really was.
He brushed her nose with his, then kissed her. Out here in the midst of a river canyon, high-rising cliffs, Douglas firs and the sound of the falls rushing to the water below, she felt as if they were the only two people on earth. Brian took his time with the kiss, coaxing her into it, tempting her with his tongue, seducing her with his desire.
She was so close to heaven…yet so far away.
Her need to be everything that Brian ever wanted urged her to respond completely. Lacing her fingers in his hair, she let him take her where he always took her—outside of herself and into him.
Finally he tore himself from her, came back for another kiss, then leaned away and studied her. “I brought you here to tell you a couple of things.”
Breathless, she began to convince herself that this was the moment, this was the time she should tell him about the rape, tell him about the abortion, tell him what she wanted for the two of them.
“First, I have to fly to Alaska the day after tomorrow.”
Carrie closed her eyes. She couldn’t look at her husband and let him see her disappointment.
“Carrie, it will only be for a few days. The Alaskan deal is at a crucial stage and I have to make the trip. For about twenty-four hours you won’t be able to get in touch with me. There won’t be any phones, and cell phones won’t work.”
“What if Lisa has her baby?”
“I’ll only be out of touch for a day, I promise. Believe me, I want to be there when Lisa delivers her baby as much as you do. That’s why I’m making this trip now instead of next week.”
Struggling to keep tears from filling her eyes, she took a deep breath.
“Carrie, I can’t not do this because Lisa might have her baby. Don’t you understand that?”
She shook her head. “You say you want to be here as much as I do. I don’t think that’s true. If it were true, you wouldn’t go out of town at all. Why can’t you just wait?”
He didn’t look angry, but his voice was firm. “I can’t wait. Not on this trip. But I am going to send Ted to Hawaii instead of going myself. I’m going to give him more authority on the project and see how it goes. If he does a good job, I’ll be able to cut back on traveling. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
“It has to be what you want, too.”
“I’ve always wanted a family. You know that. I’ve always seen us with kids in our lives, and I suppose I never truly realized what that would mean. You asked me if I want to be a real father. I do. But I can’t cut back recklessly. I’ve worked hard to build Summers Development, and I want to make sure it’s still strong even if I don’t put in as many hours and take as many trips as I used to. I want it to be our child’s legacy. Can you understand that?”
She understood change couldn’t happen overnight. She understood that now wasn’t the moment to turn herself inside out and expose everything she was to him. “I understand.”
He stroked the back of his hand down her cheek. “Then why do you look so sad?”
Marshalling her emotions into a manageable lot, she tried for a smile. “I’m not sad, just concerned. If something happens with Lisa while you’re gone…” I’m afraid what will happen to us.
“Nothing is going to happen to Lisa. Worst-case scenario, I’ll miss the delivery. But the child will be ours in every way that matters, Carrie. I promise you that, too. Best-case scenario, I’ll be back before this baby even thinks about coming into the world. Okay?”
What else could she say? “Okay.”
The silence between them trembled with unspoken thoughts. Hesitantly she asked, “Are you still going to Adam and Leigh’s ranch tomorrow?”
“I told him I’d help him cut down those trees and I will.”
“I thought maybe since you took off this afternoon, you wouldn’t have the time.”
“This afternoon is ours. Let’s just enjoy it. It has nothing to do with tomorrow.”
Couldn’t Brian see that everything was connected? Couldn’t he see that she wasn’t sure what meant the most to him? Couldn’t he see that she was afraid?
When Brian turned toward the falls, he dropped his arm around her shoulders. She knew that he didn’t see, and she felt more afraid than ever that she’d lose him.