Dusk was settling over Windsor as Carrie said goodbye to her parents, Whitney, Mary, their husbands and children. She went to her car and started the ignition, then backed out of the driveway. Her mother came outside and waved as Carrie drove down the street. After Carrie honked her horn, she concentrated on the drive back to Portland. It had been an odd day, and the repercussions of it were still rattling around inside of her.
After all these years, Carrie had never expected her mother to tell her father exactly what had happened when Carrie was eighteen. But she had.
Before Whitney and Mary had arrived, Carrie had asked her mother, “Why now?”
Paula had responded, “Because it’s a barrier between your dad and me. Because life is too short, and I’m getting too old to watch my words. But most of all, because I needed to admit what I had done. I had to get rid of that weight. Not that I ever will. But sharing it with him has helped. Back then I didn’t think he was strong enough to deal with it all. But about six months ago, he sent for a carving kit. He started spending a lot of time in the basement. He’s been carving decoys. And Hank even sold a few for him at the senior center. I think he’s gotten his self-respect back. Not only that, but for Christmas this year, he carved an elk for me and gave me a card that said he still remembered the one we saw on our honeymoon when we went to Alaska. I guess it made me realize that no matter what happens, we have each other. We’ll always have each other.”
Carrie’s mom had showed her the elk then, and it was beautiful—as beautiful as the acceptance in her father’s eyes after she’d hugged him. Maybe his pain had helped him understand hers.
As Carrie drove, she considered her father’s advice to tell Brian. Yet even as she considered it, phrases Brian had used just in the past few weeks came back to haunt her. Fear doesn’t absolve her. I expect the truth. A choice I can’t forgive.
Between thoughts of Brian and her parents, Carrie thought about her enjoyment of playing with her nieces and nephews. When she considered the idea of becoming a mother, it filled her with anticipation and excitement, and she could almost push everything else away. All of it was like a merry-go-round in her head as she drove, as the rain pelted the hood of her car and water sluiced across the highway.
About a half hour from Portland, she thought about calling Lisa, but driving on the wet, puddled road required all of her concentration. She’d have to drive Ariel back to the shelter tonight. She hated to do that. But maybe she could help her find a job—
One moment Carrie was watching the taillights on the car in front of her, the next that car listed to the left and fishtailed right. With only an instant to react, she steered her car to the left and went off the shoulder of the road into the guardrail. Although her seat belt held her, the angle of the impact pulled her sideways and her head banged into the door frame.
All light left her world. She was catapulted into a black quagmire where everything was silent.
The cabin in Deep Gulch, Alaska, was heated by a woodstove and had few amenities. There was a cot with a narrow, thin mattress and wool blankets. Brian had melted snow for drinking and a bit of cooking. The scarred old table was accompanied by two rickety wood chairs. It had suited Brian as he’d studied topographical maps by the light of a kerosene lamp. Often his thoughts veered toward Carrie after the day of flying over locations. He’d come back to the cabin hungry and tired.
However, suddenly as he’d sat down to work, he’d lost his appetite and his heart had begun racing. It was an odd sensation, almost like a blow.
Going to the cabin door, he’d taken in lungfuls of cold air and stared out over the white barren landscape. In the silence, he’d experienced a twisting yearning in his gut for Carrie that he couldn’t understand. It had been so strong that he’d used the satellite phone to call her. She hadn’t answered at the house, nor had Lisa. Carrie hadn’t answered on her cell phone, either. That was unlike her.
After an hour, the panicked sensation quieted to a whisper of concern that hadn’t left him as he’d worked.
Leaning away from the lantern and the map in his creaky chair, he studied the notes he’d made over the past two days.
However, when a series of beeps emanated from the SAT phone on the cot, he almost turned over the chair in his hurry to reach it. He told himself it could be Ted, it could be Derrick, it could be the pilot.
But none of those voices met his ear. “Mr. Summers?” Lisa asked in a shaky voice.
“Yes. Lisa, is that you?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you for the last hour. The call wouldn’t go through.”
“Sometimes there’s interference on these phones. What’s wrong?”
“It’s Carrie. She’s been in an accident!”
His heart stopped. “Is she all right?”
“She’s hurt. There were four cars involved. Her airbag didn’t pop because the side of her car hit the guardrail.”
He swore. “How badly was she injured?”
“They’re running tests. She’s still unconscious.” Her voice broke. “Can you come home?”
“The pilot dropped me here, then went to make a delivery in another village.”
“You’ve got to come back here, Mr. Summers. Carrie needs you. We don’t know what to do.”
Carrie had been right about this trip. He never should have left Portland. Not only was he worried sick about her and chomping at the bit to get to her, but all this stress wasn’t good for Lisa and her baby, either. “Lisa, I want to talk to her doctor. Can you give him my number?”
“She doesn’t have just one doctor. What if he can’t get through to you like I couldn’t get through?”
“He will if he keeps trying. If he doesn’t get through to me, I just need a name so I can have him paged.”
“I’ll ask one of the nurses at the desk, but I—”
The teenager’s voice was trembling. He could hear the tears that threatened to spill over. “Lisa, I want you to take a cab and go back to the house. You need to rest and calm down.”
“How am I going to calm down when I don’t know how Carrie is? If she’s going to wake up? Ariel’s here with me. We’re going to wait in the lounge.”
Brian knew how stubborn Lisa could be. “All right. But you have to promise me something.”
“What?”
“After you’ve talked to the nurse, I want you to rest on the sofa and put your feet up. Have Ariel bring you a glass of milk from the cafeteria.”
Silence met his suggestion.
“Lisa?”
“You don’t want anything to happen to the baby,” she said, as if she understood.
“I don’t want anything to happen to you. Now please, get me the doctor’s name. After you do that, I’m going to call the pilot and see if he can fly me out of here tonight. I’ll be back there as soon as I can.”
A few minutes later when Brian clicked off the phone, he felt as if he’d lost touch with the rest of the world. Where had Carrie gone today? And what had caused the accident? He realized he was thinking about those questions because he couldn’t think about his wife asleep…maybe never waking up.
By the time the doctor returned Brian’s call, Brian had almost worn a path on the wood floor in the small cabin. But the pilot couldn’t get him out until morning and there was nothing he could do about that. He felt powerless. The feeling made him want to punch his fist through the cabin wall.
When Carrie’s doctor spoke to him, worry receded somewhat. Carrie was awake now. She had a concussion and her shoulder had taken most of the impact from hitting the door and was bruised. Her doctor intended to watch her closely over the next twelve hours, and he kept insisting she was one very lucky woman.
Brian decided he was one very lucky man.
The wait for morning seemed interminable. Although he left Deep Gulch early, everything about the return trip seemed to be in slow motion.
Finally, he was there in her hospital room and Lisa was glaring at him reproachfully. “Where have you been?” she asked under her breath, as she met him at the door.
“A weather front moved in last night and I couldn’t get out until this morning. Why? Has something changed?”
Lisa’s face was pale and drawn, and she looked exhausted. “No. She called for you in the middle of the night and you weren’t here.”
“Did you stay with her all night?”
“Yes, I stayed with her all night. She didn’t have anybody else here. She didn’t want me to call her parents, didn’t want to worry them.”
Guilt stabbed deep, but Brian’s defenses slipped into place. “Well, I’m here now. Did you say your friend was with you?” Brian glanced around.
“She’s in the lounge. She stuck with me all night.”
Brian grabbed a few bills from his wallet. “You and Ariel get something to eat before you leave. Then call a cab to take you back home. Rest. I think the doctor’s going to discharge Carrie later today. I’ll call you and let you know what’s happening.”
Brian looked over Lisa’s shoulder again. Carrie still seemed to be sleeping.
“You won’t forget to call me?”
“I promise I won’t forget.” As Lisa began to leave the room, Brian laid his hand on her shoulder. “Thank you, Lisa.”
She looked surprised at his thanks, then she conjured up a smile and headed for the lounge.
Brian approached Carrie’s bed slowly, as if she were Sleeping Beauty. She looked pale. The faded hospital gown and a crisp white pillowcase under her head didn’t help.
Dragging the chair beside the bed, he sank into it, and took one of her hands between his.
Her eyes fluttered open. He would have kissed her then, but her words stopped him. “What are you doing here?”
“Lisa called me. Didn’t she tell you?”
Carrie shook her head and then winced. The movement must have made her head hurt. Suddenly, Brian knew why Lisa hadn’t told Carrie she’d called him. The teenager hadn’t been sure he’d come home. Didn’t she realize how much he cared about Carrie?
His wife’s eyes were troubled now as she murmured, “You had to cut your trip short. Brian, I’m sorry. I’m fine, really. You shouldn’t have done that.”
Didn’t she want him here? Was she was afraid he was going to be angry because he couldn’t finish what he’d started in Alaska? Was she concerned now he’d have to go back?
Studying her closely, he knew he couldn’t read her any more. That worried him almost as much as her accident. “I’ve accomplished most of what I set out to do. I just had to cancel today’s meetings. Ted will be flying to Anchorage to meet with investors.”
“This deal is so important to you.”
“You’re important, too, Carrie.”
As she appeared to absorb his words, she still didn’t smile. She seemed so far away, even though he was holding her hand, even though he could lean forward a couple of feet and kiss her. “Tell me what happened yesterday. Where had you gone?”
“I went home.”
For a moment he was blank. Then he realized she meant somewhere other than their house. “To your mother’s?”
“Yes. I hadn’t seen them since Christmas, and—” She hesitated and then quickly added, “Whitney and Mary came over. It was just for a couple of hours. Ariel stayed with Lisa. Are they still here?”
“I sent them to get something to eat and gave them cab money home. To our house.”
“Lisa’s been here since Nancy Allen called her.”
“Nancy was in the emergency room when you came in?”
“Yes. She didn’t know where to get hold of you, and when she called the house, Lisa answered. Lisa was here every time I woke up.”
There was definitely a bond between Carrie and Lisa, a bond he was beginning to feel, too. “Lisa said you didn’t want her to call your parents. Do you want me to call them now?”
“No. I’m fine, Brian, really.” Carrie began to sit up, but her breath caught and her hand went to her head.
“You’re not fine.”
“The doctor’s releasing me this afternoon.”
“Maybe so. But that doesn’t mean you can go back to your normal activities. I’m going to find your doctor and see what’s going on.”
Brian was still holding her hand, but now she pulled it away from him, nervously, it seemed to him, and brushed her hair behind her ear. “I must look a mess. I had no idea you’d come back this soon.”
His gut twisted at her words. He realized not only didn’t she trust him, but she didn’t depend on him. That cut deep because he’d felt he’d never been anything but dependable. Sure, he’d worked hard. But usually she could reach him with a phone call. Usually he could put aside what he was doing for an emergency. Gazing into her eyes right now, he felt as if they were almost strangers.
Pushing himself to his feet, he said gruffly, “I’ll find out when you’re going to be discharged.” Then he left his wife’s room, worried about her and just as worried about their marriage.
A few hours later, Brian took Carrie home. She kept insisting she was fine, but he knew she wasn’t. The prescriptions he’d had filled for her proved she wasn’t. In addition, she was supposed to ice her shoulder for the next forty-eight hours. He’d wanted to carry her up to their bedroom, but the expression on her face told him she wouldn’t allow that. Before she’d agree to go upstairs to rest, she’d made certain Lisa was fine.
Ariel was still with her and she said to Carrie, “I’m glad to see you’re okay, Mrs. Summers. Now that you’re home, I’ll go back to the shelter.”
“I want to talk to you before you leave,” Brian said.
Ariel looked puzzled. “What about?”
“Finding you a job so you can get back on your feet. How do you feel about filing and general office work to start?”
“Anything would be great. As soon as I can save enough for a security deposit, I can get my own place again.”
“I might be able to find you a place that doesn’t require a security deposit. I have to do some checking. We’ll talk about it before you leave.” He turned to Carrie. “Come on. Let’s get you up to bed.”
However, before Brian shepherded her away, she said to Ariel, “Thanks for sticking by Lisa.”
“We’re friends,” Ariel said. “It was no big deal.”
“Friendship is always a big deal,” Carrie murmured with a wan smile for both girls.
Carrie took the steps slowly because every bone in her body hurt. The doctor had ordered a CT scan, but said everything looked normal. He’d also taken X rays of her shoulder. She had been fortunate.
Once in the bedroom, Carrie slipped into the bathroom and when she emerged she was wearing a pale blue nightshirt.
Brian had turned back the covers for her. “Is there anything you’d like? Something to drink? Something to eat? You barely picked at lunch.”
“I’m not hungry.” She slid into bed and covered herself with the sheet. “Are you really going to give Ariel a job?”
“Yes. One of the clerks left and I was going to call the temp agency. Instead, I’ll give Ariel a chance. We’ll see how she does. If she’s competent, she’ll be doing a lot more than filing before long.”
There were a few moments of silence. “Thank you, Brian.”
“For what?”
“For giving Ariel this job so she can get out of the shelter. For sending Lisa back home to rest this morning after you got there. For coming home.”
Something about Carrie’s attitude bothered him. He wondered if she was still upset about their argument after they’d made love in the hot tub. Or was there something else? She was avoiding his gaze. She was putting distance between them. On top of that, she was much too pale.
What he wanted to do was climb into bed beside her and take her into his arms. But for some reason, his instincts told him she wouldn’t allow that right now. Maybe she was just trying to get her bearings after what had happened to her. The police had taken a statement from her this afternoon before she’d left the hospital. Brian had learned the car in front of her had blown a tire and everything else had stemmed from that.
He sat on the bed beside her. “I’m going to send Ariel back in a cab. I’d take her myself, but I’m afraid Lisa will run up and down the steps to see how you are if I leave. As far along as she is, she shouldn’t be doing that.”
“I don’t want her worrying about me.”
“I’ll try to reassure her.”
Carrie put her hand to her forehead and Brian asked, “Is your headache worse?”
“The doctor said it should go away in a day or two.”
Brian couldn’t help but touch Carrie then. He couldn’t keep from reaching out and stroking her cheek. “Lisa’s call took ten years off my life. When she said you were in an accident and were still unconscious…”
“I’m sorry I worried you. I shouldn’t have been so close to the car in front of me, but I was thinking and—” She looked away from him.
“Thinking about what?”
Her words came slowly. “My family. You. Lisa. A baby.”
Tears welled up in her eyes, and Brian wished he could crawl inside her head and see what she was really thinking. He wiped away one of her tears with his thumb. “You rest. Do you want me to sit here with you?”
She shook her head. “That’s not necessary. I know you have things to do.”
Though almost angry that she didn’t think she was just as important as any of those things, he realized he should be angry at himself, not at her, if he’d always given her the impression that work had to come first. “I’m going to talk to Ariel for a bit and then work in my office. If you need anything, call on the intercom. Even if I don’t hear from you, I’ll be up in about a half an hour. I won’t wake you if you’re sleeping.” Leaning forward, he pressed a soft kiss onto her forehead.
She closed her eyes.
As he stood, she didn’t open her eyes again or say anything. When he left the room, he felt as if he had a lead weight in his chest.
Something was very wrong. He had an idea that might make it better. After Ariel left, he’d surf real estate sites on the Internet and find exactly what he was looking for.
Although Carrie adhered to her doctor’s orders to rest for twenty-four hours, she chafed at the idea of it. Yes, she had a headache and her shoulder was sore when she moved it. But she could function. She didn’t want to be stuck in her room upstairs. However, Brian had insisted, along with her doctor. Brian even stayed home from work all day Monday, checking on her every now and then.
She had too much time to think.
By Tuesday morning, she’d decided she’d had enough of resting. She wanted to spend some time with Lisa.
She had withdrawn from Brian since the accident, since her visit to her parents. That was because she couldn’t look him in the eye without wanting to spill everything to him. But there was so much at stake. Not only their marriage, but the future of Lisa’s baby. Brian was changing—cutting back his hours, cutting back on the traveling. Maybe her life would right itself again, and she’d never have to tell him what she’d done.
On Tuesday afternoon, Carrie realized her headache was almost gone. While she’d spent the morning with Lisa, Verna had been cooking in the kitchen. After she and Lisa ate clam chowder and sandwiches for lunch, Carrie asked Verna to make chocolate mousse for dessert that night since it was Lisa’s favorite.
“Do you mind if I have a friend over tomorrow night?” Lisa asked Carrie before dinner.
As Carrie set the table she asked, “Ariel?”
“No. It’s a guy. Craig Latimore. He worked at the deli where Ariel and I hung out. He used to give us handouts when no one was looking.”
“That was kind of him.”
Lisa blushed a little. “Yeah, I guess. Anyway, when Ariel and I got breakfast at the hospital the other morning, he was in the cafeteria, too. His aunt was having gallbladder surgery. I used to think he felt sorry for me and Ariel. But when I told him I was giving the baby up for adoption, he asked if he could see me sometime.”
Carrie’s motherly instincts went on alert. “How old is he?”
“He’s twenty.”
Going still, Carrie studied Lisa. “Do you like him?”
“He looked out for me and Ariel. He came and checked on us when we were sleeping in a vacant building before we went to the shelter. Craig’s the one who convinced us we’d be better off there.”
From everything Lisa said it sounded as if this Craig cared about her. But Carrie would like to see for herself. One of the best ways to do that was to have him over to the house. “Sure, he can come over tomorrow evening.”
“Do you mind if we just order pizza or something? We don’t have to bother you and Mr. Summers.”
“I don’t know what Brian’s doing tomorrow night.”
“He might not like Craig.”
“Why not?”
“Because Craig rides a motorcycle. And he has tattoos and earrings. He got his eyebrow pierced a few months ago, too. Maybe you should warn Mr. Summers.”
“Maybe you should warn him,” Carrie encouraged with a smile.
Lisa shrugged. “We’ll see. Mr. Summers might not even be home. No use getting him all riled over nothing.”
Avoidance. She was practicing it herself these days. She couldn’t blame Lisa for wanting to take the easy way out.
When Brian called to tell Carrie he wouldn’t be home for supper, she didn’t think anything of it. After all, he’d taken off all day yesterday.
But after she said good-night to Lisa and sat in her bedroom, fatigue caught up with her. She was reclining on the sofa, listening to music in their sitting area, when Brian came in with a wide smile and an envelope in his hand. He’d already taken off his suit jacket and unknotted his tie.
Now he tossed both on the chair beside the bed and crossed to her. “How do you feel?”
“Much better than yesterday.”
Lowering himself beside her, he studied her. “But you overdid it today, didn’t you?”
“I didn’t do much. I mostly kept Lisa company.”
“Your body needs to recover from what you’ve been through. You’ve got to give it time.”
Pushing herself into a sitting position, she promised, “I’ll give it time. But I can’t stay up here in bed. The headache’s gone, and as long as I don’t lift anything, I’m fine.”
“I’m convinced,” he said with a laugh, though she could see he wasn’t. He wasn’t going to press her, but he was still going to watch over her.
“I have something to show you.” Lowering himself beside her on the sofa, he unfastened the clip on the envelope and pulled out two pages of photographs. “I took these today, and I’d like you to look at them.”
She took the two glossy sheets of digital photos and studied them. On one page the pictures were all scenery—pines and alders and maples. In one photograph she could make out a narrow stream. “This looks like a beautiful property.”
“It is. Look at the other one.”
On the other sheet the setting was wooded, too. But in the midst of it sat a one-story house, all cedar and glass. Photographs captured the house from different angles. A wide shot showed split-rail fence surrounding the property.
“That looks lovely, too.” She turned curious eyes to Brian’s.
“I know you’ve always thought this house was too big. When we got married, I thought it was the kind of place you’d want, and that’s why I went ahead with the deal. But you like Leigh and Adam’s home, so…”
He pointed to the pictures of scenery first. “We could build exactly what you want right here. It’s a beautiful property. I know the developer. If you want a log home like Adam and Leigh have, or something more traditional, we could plan it together.” Then he ran his thumb over the other sheet of photographs. “On the other hand, this one’s already built. It’s only about a quarter of a mile from Leigh and Adam. It’s about five years old. The man who built it is changing jobs and moving to Seattle. I walked through it today, and it’s quality. It’s one floor, four bedrooms, which would be great because I could use one for my office. Other than that, it’s pretty compact, with a kitchen, dining room and family room. I think you’d like it.”
Carrie was totally stunned by what her husband was proposing. “But you like this house.”
“I did. But it is big. And after being in Adam’s house, I understand what you mean by not feeling lived-in. You can’t shout from one room to the other here. Our baby will be crawling around and get lost!”
Brian’s expression said he actually cared about that, and Carrie felt tears come to her eyes. Brian was changing. He’d listened to what she’d said and was trying to do something about it. “I would love a smaller, cozier house. But only if that’s what you want, too.”
“What I want is for you to go along and look at it with me as soon as you’re feeling better. It hasn’t been listed yet, and the owner’s going to give us first look. I don’t want you to feel pressured, either. If not this one, we’ll find something else. Or we’ll build.”
Feeling lighter than she had in weeks, Carrie kissed his cheek. “Looking at a house won’t be too strenuous. Let’s go tomorrow.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m positive.”
“All right. I’ll come home around three. If for some reason you don’t feel like it, just let me know. We have time, Carrie.”
Did they have time? Right now she felt closer to Brian than she had in weeks. Was that because they now had a common goal? A home with a child in it. Isn’t that what they’d always wanted?
Brian pushed the pictures back into the envelope. Then he surrounded Carrie with his arm and leaned back against the sofa. “I haven’t had supper yet, so I’m going to go down and see what leftovers are in the refrigerator. Would you like a cup of tea?”
“You don’t have to—”
Leaning close he kissed her temple. “I want to. Then we’ll just snuggle up and watch the news together.”
He was telling her he wouldn’t make love with her until she was ready, until she felt her body was ready. How long had it been since they’d just lain together holding each other?
“I’d like that,” she murmured, her voice catching.
Brian gave her a squeeze and rested his jaw on top of her head. “Everything’s going to be all right, Carrie. You’ll see.”
Carrie desperately wanted to believe Brian’s words. She would believe them. That was all there was to it.