At 5:00 a.m. Brian entered the bedroom he’d shared with Carrie and sank down onto the chair in the sitting area. All night he’d driven the streets, as well as walked them in the rain, not even knowing what he was looking for. A baby carriage? Squad cars surrounding a row house, a policeman exiting with Timothy Jacob in his arms?
As he dropped his head in his hands, he told himself the police were doing everything they could. Plus, his private investigator was on the case now.
He’d turned on a small bedside lamp when he’d entered the room. Now the darkness and shadows, and especially the silence, surrounded him. There’d been a deep, yawning ache in his gut ever since Carrie had told him—
Carrie.
Why had everything gone so monumentally wrong? Why had she kept something so huge from him? The biggest question of all gnawed at him. Why hadn’t she trusted him enough to tell him?
Rape. Abortion. Infertility. She’d kept it hidden so well, he hadn’t suspected. Or had he? Hadn’t he always known she was holding back? Hadn’t he always guessed there was a reason? Why hadn’t he pursued it? Why hadn’t he prodded her? Why hadn’t he gotten to the bottom of it?
From the first night he’d laid eyes on Carrie, he’d known he’d wanted her as his. Their whirlwind courtship had led into marriage and a honeymoon and then—and then his push for a family.
When had their marriage stopped being about them?
Why hadn’t they continued to get to know each other and grow together?
That answer was easy. Carrie had walls. He had walls. He’d let work be the balm, the basis and the ballast of his life. He’d thought he’d put Carrie in the center. In an odd way he had, but he’d never joined her there. He always orbited around her. Maybe he was as afraid as she was of what would happen if they became truly intimate…intimate in their hearts and emotions, not only with their bodies.
He needed some answers, and he needed them from a different perspective than Carrie’s. He needed to talk to her mother.
Without even thinking about a shower and ignoring the emptiness in his stomach, he hurried to his car once more and set off for Windsor.
Less than ninety minutes later, he pulled up in front of the house where Paula and George Bradley lived, just now realizing they might not even be up.
However, after he climbed the porch steps, he didn’t even have to ring the bell. The door opened and George stood there in a flannel shirt and jeans, without looking a bit surprised. “Carrie called her mama last night.”
“I need some answers.”
“Don’t know how I can help with that. You and Carrie have to find the answers together.”
“If she called, then you know she left.”
“She left because that’s what she thought you’d want her to do.”
Brian swore and rubbed the back of his neck.
George opened the door wider. “You look pretty rough. Come on in. I’ve already got the first pot of coffee on.”
Although Brian had been in the Bradley house many times before, he looked at it with fresh eyes. It wasn’t extravagant by any means. But he could feel warmth in this home, as well as family connections—intangible bonds that he was finding out were so much more important than plush carpeting or the best furniture money could buy. He knew Carrie’s mom no longer cleaned houses. Carrie had put a sum of money aside for her parents, and they lived off of the investment income. Paula now worked as a cashier in the local drugstore. But she still cut coupons. The Bradleys might depend on their daughter, but they’d kept their self-respect.
George poured two mugs of coffee. “Paula’s not up yet. She was talking to Carrie on the phone pretty late. Carrie told her about the kidnapping, too. You must feel like a freight train bowled you over.”
Brian wasn’t sure what he thought or what he felt. “Carrie said she didn’t tell you about the rape at first.”
George’s only reaction to Brian’s bluntness was an arched brow. He set one of the mugs of coffee before Brian on the table. “You take it black, right?”
Brian nodded.
George hobbled to the table, his stiff leg making his gait uneven. After he eased himself into the chair, he took the warm coffee mug into his hands. “Nope. Carrie never told me. I didn’t know about it officially until about a week ago. Paula filled me in. Said she couldn’t keep it a secret from me anymore.”
“After all these years.” Brian shook his head.
“Fear’s a great motivator, boy. Fear can keep a man or woman silent for almost a decade. It can make them do things they wouldn’t ever do otherwise.”
“You mean the abortion?”
“I mean all of it. Did Carrie tell you her mama made all the arrangements? Her mama told her over and over again it was the best thing to do. Her mama told her it was the only way she would have a future, the only way we’d survive.”
“No.” Brian felt the word echo through his whole being. Carrie had taken full responsibility, and he suspected why.
“Carrie was a mess that summer,” George went on. “I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t poke around. Her mom said she was sick from exhaustion, but I was too deep into painkillers back then, too deep into feeling sorry for myself. Paula was desperate. Do you understand she gave Carrie the only option she thought we had?”
“Take me through it, will you?” Brian asked, still attempting to piece it together. “Give me as much as you know.”
George related everything Paula had told him about the rape, and how she’d arranged the abortion. Then he said, “And even after the doctor gave Carrie medicine and her fever broke, she wasn’t the same. She wouldn’t leave her bedroom. She wouldn’t even talk to Whitney or Brenda or Mary. She lost ten pounds. Paula took her back to Portland and found her a counselor. After she went to sessions every day with her for a week, Carrie began to come around. But even after Paula came home, she called her two, three times a day to make sure she was okay. I remember when Carrie came here for Thanksgiving that year. She’d put some weight back on and was beginning to look like her old self. By then she’d told her agent the basics and he eased her back into working with safe assignments. Then she got that Modern Woman Cosmetics contract, and she seemed to be okay.”
When Brian heard a noise in the doorway, he looked over his shoulder. Paula Bradley was standing there in a gray sweatsuit. She didn’t look surprised to see him, either.
“Hello, Brian.”
“Paula.” He’d always been on the fringes of Carrie’s family. Why hadn’t he gotten to know them better? Why hadn’t he become really integrated into their lives? He didn’t like the picture forming of the man he’d been.
Paula brushed her hair away from her face, a gesture similar to one of Carrie’s.
Opening the refrigerator, she took out a pitcher of orange juice and poured herself a glass. “Carrie was in counseling for over two years,” she said, picking up the conversation she’d obviously been listening to.
“It apparently helped,” Brian said. “I never guessed something so traumatic had happened to her.”
“She worked hard at overcoming it all. The anger. The pain. The violation. Probably a lot of resentment toward me.”
“She doesn’t resent you,” he said automatically.
“She did. What I made her do came between us until just recently. I think that’s because of adopting the baby.”
After Paula sat at the table with them, silence filled every corner of the kitchen.
“Why didn’t she tell me?” Brian asked, knowing most of the answer, but trying to discover if there was more.
“Did she ever mention Foster Garrett?” Paula asked him.
“No. Who was that?”
“He was the first man she dated when she was ready to date again.”
Brian hated the thought of Carrie being connected to another man. “Was it serious?”
“Carrie was serious,” Paula admitted. “But when she told Foster about the rape and the abortion, he decided he didn’t want to see her anymore. She’d come home one weekend after the breakup, and I could see something was troubling her. She said the tone of his voice after she explained all of it told her she was damaged goods, not fit for someone like him. Was that the impression you gave her last night? Is that why she left?”
There was anger in Paula’s tone, and Brian knew if he had been Carrie’s parent, he’d be angry, too. “I honestly don’t know what impression I gave her. We’d just gotten home after talking to the detective. She just let it all spill out. I was angry, hurt, feeling betrayed.”
“Betrayed?” Paula’s voice was harsher now. “Carrie never did anything to betray you. She was trying to protect you. Granted, she was trying to protect herself, too, and her marriage.”
George laid his hand on Paula’s on the table. “Easy.”
“She’s right, George,” Brian decided. “I’ve been blind. Most of all, I’ve been stupid. I married this wonderful, beautiful, intelligent woman, and I never took the time to really know her. I never delved into why she was afraid of the dark or why our security system was so important to her. I let her pick and choose what she wanted to tell me about her modeling career. I didn’t pry into past relationships. I should have done all those things. I should have cared enough to want to do all those things.”
Paula pushed her juice away and sighed. “You’re a good man, Brian. You’re driven to succeed. You have a moral code that’s admirable, but if anyone falls short of your standards, you cut her from your life.”
Paula was talking about his mother and holding up a mirror of how he’d self-righteously viewed the world. What had Lisa said about mothers? I don’t have one anymore and I wish I did. He had one, and he couldn’t be man enough to forgive her. Carrie had seen that. She had seen too much. She had seen his inflexibility, his desire to succeed, his lack of trust in her. She’d been right about that. He’d kept himself from becoming emotionally intimate because he was afraid she would leave. So what had he done? He’d driven her away.
I want her back.
He was as certain of that as he was that he needed air to breathe. He needed Carrie in his life. Life didn’t mean a damn thing without her. More than need, he loved her to the very bottom of his soul. He hadn’t told her that often, either. Yes, he’d told her that he wanted her, but not that he loved her. Now he wasn’t just going to have to tell her. He was going to have to show her.
“I’ve got to go.” He pushed back his chair.
“To Carrie?” George asked.
“I have something I have to do first. But then, yes, I’m going to her. Somehow, I’m going to convince her to give me another chance.”
When he stood, he told the Bradleys, “I promise you, no one means more to me than your daughter. Nothing means more to me than Carrie. I love her, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving it.”
Paula stood, too, and there was encouragement on her face and a bit of a twinkle in her eye. “Before you go see her, you’d better shave and clean up a bit. You’ll scare her to death if you don’t.”
Rubbing his hand over his beard stubble, glancing at his wrinkled shirt and his damp jeans, he nodded. “I’ll make sure I do that.”
Then Paula hugged him, and George gave him a grin.
Brian had found a family that had been waiting for him all along.
The detective’s office was smaller than Everett would have expected. But at least it had a door that closed. Nancy was waiting outside. He’d simply told her there were a few things he wanted to ask the detective about the investigation man-to-man, and she’d accepted that.
Now Levine asked him, “What did you want to talk to me about, Mr. Baker?”
“About Nancy Allen’s suggestion that this is some kind of black-market operation. I don’t think anything could be farther from the truth.”
“Why do you say that?” Levine casually leaned back in his chair.
“Because Children’s Connection is an A-plus organization with no one but the best people running it. Besides that, you’ve got to understand the strain Nancy’s been under.”
“Strain?”
“She’s an E.R. nurse. Last night she’d worked a double shift. She does a lot of that, and she was exhausted when this kidnapping happened. It affected a close friend of hers, Carrie Summers. She’s overwrought with the repercussions and the heartache of it. I think you ought to take that into consideration in any statements she makes.”
Levine studied Everett, and then made a note in the file on his desk. “All right. I’ll give your comments due consideration. Is there anything else we need to discuss?”
Everett knew he had to be careful. If he came on too heavy, or undermined Nancy too much, Levine might get suspicious of him. “No. That’s it. I don’t want to take up any more of your time. I do hope you find the Sanders baby soon…for everybody’s sake.”
Standing before the hotel room door, Brian knocked. He’d called Carrie from the lobby, gotten her room number and told her he was coming up. She hadn’t protested, and he hoped that was a good sign. When he’d returned from Carrie’s parents, there had been a phone message from Lisa, saying she was being discharged. She wanted to know what she should do. He’d known exactly what he should do. He’d told her to sit tight, and he’d be there as soon as he ran an errand.
Now Lisa was waiting back at the house. He was hoping he’d be bringing his wife home to help console the teenager, to give her hope that Timothy would be found.
When Carrie opened the door, it was easy to see she’d been crying. Even with her nose slightly red, and blue tinges under her eyes, she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.
She avoided his gaze, but said, “I called the hospital to see how Lisa was doing. They said you picked her up. Where is she?”
“She’s home.”
“Home?”
“At our house, Carrie. At our house.”
At that his wife’s gaze met his. “Is it still our house? We’re not together anymore—” Her voice caught, and she looked away again. “I can take Lisa home. To Mom and Dad’s. That way you don’t have to look after her.”
“Stop writing the script for me, Carrie.” The firmness of his voice brought her gaze to his once more.
She’d reserved a simple double room, instead of a suite. Now he took her arm and guided her to one of the beds, bringing his package along. “Sit,” he gently commanded.
The way she looked at him almost broke his heart. It was a look full of despair and guilt and self-blame.
Setting the package on the bed behind him, he turned to her and took her hands. “I think you’re the most remarkable woman I’ve ever met.”
“Brian…”
“Keep your eyes on mine, Carrie. I want you to hear every word of this and understand it.”
When he was sure she wasn’t going to try to evade him again, he continued, “You’re remarkable because you’re a survivor. You’ve not only survived, but you’ve survived with courage and beauty and character.”
Tears welled up in her eyes, and she shook her head. “I lied to you by not telling you. I never should have had the abortion.”
“I talked to your mother this morning—and your dad—and they tell it a little differently. They told me your mom only gave you one choice. And you weren’t in any condition to think of another. First and foremost, Carrie, if we’re going to have the wonderful marriage I want us to have, you have to forgive yourself. What’s done is done. It’s in the past. You can’t undo it. But you can learn from it and help others because of it. You’re already doing that. You do it with the kids at the hospital, and you’re doing it with Lisa.”
“I’ve carried this for so long.”
“I know. It’s time to let go of it. I want you to let go of it and hold on to me.”
Tears were falling down her cheeks now. “How can you forgive me? You want children. If Timothy isn’t found—”
“I want you, Carrie. Maybe I was never clear enough about that. Maybe I never realized how completely I mean that. The night you were in your accident, I almost lost you. I came to several realizations then. One of them was that you had to be happy. I thought that making you happy meant giving you a huge house, unlimited charge cards, the raciest car in town. I haven’t been listening to you. I haven’t been listening to what you’re not saying, as well as what you do say. That’s going to change. I love you, Carrie Bradley Summers. You are my reason for living, and working, and building a future. Without you, none of it matters.”
“Oh, Brian.”
The way she said his name squeezed his heart. “Do you love me? Can you forgive the man I was and help teach me to be the man I want to be?”
“I love you, Brian. Just the way you are. I’ve merely wanted more of you.”
“I know what that means now. I really do. We have to have time together to be together. And when we are together…” He put his arm around her and brought her close. “I want to know what you’re thinking and feeling. I want to know all the things you’ve never told me. I want to know your hopes and dreams and fears.”
Turning her face to him, she whispered, “And I want to know yours.”
When his lips met Carrie’s, the happiness inside him seemed much too unlimited to confine. He expressed it to her with every stroke of his tongue, with each beat of his heart, with every fervent taste of what true intimacy could be between them.
When he broke away he said, “I have something for you.”
“You’ve just given me everything I’ve ever wanted.”
“Not yet.” He grinned. “But soon.” Then he put the package on her lap.
He could see her fingers were trembling as she unwrapped it. He’d pulled some strings, but he’d managed to get the sketch framed.
As she revealed it, she gasped. “It’s us. And it has your signature on it.”
“I found out I can draw more than buildings when I put my heart into it.”
She traced her fingers over the waterfall. Over their faces. Over his name. “Thank you. It’s the most wonderful gift I’ve ever received.”
Brian took the framed sketch, laid it beside him and drew Carrie into his arms again. “You’re the most precious gift I’ve ever received. I love you, Carrie.”
“I love you, too,” she whispered, then raised her face to his for another kiss.