SCENE 1
LUIGI’S RESTAURANT IN COVENT GARDEN
Joe Taylor, Henry and Betty McNeil, Frankie Lewis, Philip Brown and Katie Taylor around a table, toward the end of their meal.
JOE (To Philip): First, that does not mean I am in favor of a nuclear war—
PHILIP: You are arguing for a situation that will make such a war more—
JOE: Let me finish!
(The rest of the table only halfheartedly listens to this conversation as they finish their meals, sip their coffee, finish their wine, etc.)
(To the others) He twists everything. Anyone else want to jump in, go right ahead. Put me out of my misery. (Laughs)
PHILIP (To the others): I’m waiting for him to get to Gorbachev—
JOE: Gorbachev supports me! The whole idea of Gorbachev supports my argument! (To the others) We got Gorbachev, didn’t we? (Turns to Philip) Philip, what could be clearer? Please. What I have been saying, the point to be made here is—to go out and protest— To— What? Chain yourself to some gate of some plant or some boat or whatever—
PHILIP: Frankie, pass me the last of that wine, please. That’s if no one—
HENRY: No, no. It’s yours. (Turns to his wife) Betty?
BETTY: I’m fine.
(Frankie passes the wine. Philip pours into his glass.)
JOE: If you don’t want to—
PHILIP: Go ahead.
(Beat.)
JOE: I want to know what’s the purpose in all that? In the protesting. What? (Beat) Disarmament??? (Beat) Come on, what does that mean?
FRANKIE: What does dis—?
JOE: When one says one is quote unquote for disarmament, what does one mean? Peace???? (Beat) Who the hell isn’t interested in peace?
PHILIP: It’s about creating a pressure . . .
JOE: A unilateral pressure? What the hell is that? Is anyone really suggesting—seriously suggesting—that we should just junk our bombs? (Beat) Of course they’re not. They are suggesting—demanding that we keep negotiating. Well—I agree! (Beat) If that is the purpose of these adventures, then I agree with them. I agree with the purpose.
PHILIP: But now you’ll argue that such actions as these protests, they only make the country weaker which only makes real negotiations less—
JOE: I’m not saying that. Don’t paint me into that corner, OK? (Beat) Jesus Christ, I am a goddamn liberal, Philip. (Beat) Listen to me. You are not listening. (Beat. To the others) Am I that hard to understand? (To Philip) If the point of protesting is simply to pressure negotiations. Fine. I understand this. This is not what I’m criticizing. (Finishes his wine) My point is the intellectual dishonesty involved in saying one is for disarmament when everyone is for disarmament. It’s like saying you’re for love!
PHILIP (To the others): There was a time actually not too many years ago— (Laughs)
JOE: I know. And we learned something from that, didn’t we? (Beat) I did. Let’s not delude ourselves that we are actually changing things. Or changing much. It is truth, honesty that I’m after. Say what you’re doing! Say what you mean! For Christ’s sake is it so hard to be honest? (Beat) I know things are complicated these days but you know what I think—I think things have always been complicated. (Beat) The man who wrote Hamlet understood that the world was complicated.
(Short pause.)
PHILIP: This is true. Good point.
HENRY: Are we off political science and on to literature now?
PHILIP: If we are, then the perfect example which refutes you, Joe, is that piece of intellectual mush we sat through this afternoon. Talk about idiotic debates.
JOE (To the others): I knew he was getting to this. (Smiles) Look, it’s a beautiful play. And that’s not just my opinion.
HENRY: It’s anthologized—
PHILIP: Straw men—set up to be knocked down. That’s how Shaw works. The world presented in that play was tricky, not complicated. Shaw enjoyed trickiness, not real thinking.
JOE: And that is one opinion. (To the others) Shaw’s reputation this half-century has gone up and down, up and down. (Laughs)
PHILIP: The world today makes such a play ridiculous.
JOE: Come on, it was funny. You laughed.
PHILIP: I laughed. At a play. I didn’t appreciate the effort at political argument. Or rather the trivialization of political argument. (Beat) Look, in the end I think we’re saying the same thing. The world is complicated. Too complicated for a George Bernard Shaw to express—
JOE: I think that play is very profound.
HENRY: You teach it in your Modern Brit class, don’t you?
JOE: Yes, I do, Henry, thank you. (Beat. To Philip) It may be a little schematic—
PHILIP: You mean a little watered down.
JOE: But a schematic argument sometimes is the best way to present a complex moral position. Breaking the argument apart piece by piece, it illuminates the position. Or the conundrum. If that’s what it is. Often in surprising ways. If you’d like I’ll show you what I mean.
PHILIP: Look everyone, I’m sorry for getting him started.
FRANKIE: I doubt if you could have stopped him.
JOE: That’s not funny.
HENRY: It’s interesting, really.
BETTY: Very interesting.
JOE: Thank you. (To Philip and Frankie) You want me to show you or not? (Beat) So—capital punishment. I’ll make my point with that. Let me ask Frankie. A woman we all know who has strong moral opinions.
FRANKIE: Since when? (Laughs) He must have got me confused with someone else. How much wine are we drinking?
(Laughter.)
JOE: Capital punishment, Frankie. Good or bad? (Beat) Come on, good or bad?
FRANKIE: Bad. Of course. Morally indefensible.
JOE: You are sure of that?
FRANKIE: Yes. Yes I am sure, Joe.
JOE: But if I were to present an argument—
FRANKIE: For vengeance? If you believe in vengeance then of course—
JOE: Not vengeance. (To the others) Here now is our complicated world at work. (Beat) While I was in grad school, I was moonlighting for a small paper. I interviewed a guy in prison. A killer. Sentenced to life imprisonment. He was first sentenced to death, but now it was life imprisonment.
PHILIP: After the Supreme Court knocked down—
JOE: Yeah. Whatever. Well, Buddy—that’s the guy’s name; I went to see Buddy. And he started to tell me that he favored the death penalty. A killer in prison!
FRANKIE: Well—a death wish. Like that man in— Where was it? Utah? Nevada?
JOE: No. No, there’s no death wish, Frankie. When his sentence was changed to life, he was very very happy about that. He did not want to die. (Beat) Here’s what he said: because he was under a life sentence—actually three, he’d murdered three people and he’d no possibility for parole—the guards in the prison, they knew there was nothing, no recourse left for them if Buddy tried to do something. I mean, he was there for good, forever. There was no deterrent. Get it? (Beat) So they treated Buddy like an animal. (Beat) Why wouldn’t they, right? (Beat) And this—as you can imagine—dehumanized our Buddy. So—he told me—he thought there should be a death penalty for people who were in prison for life but who then kill a prison guard. This would be his one case when the death penalty would apply.
(Short pause.)
PHILIP: Interesting.
JOE: Isn’t it?
FRANKIE: I’d never heard—
JOE: Buddy’s argument is in favor of treating people like human beings. In this case the threat of death helps the prisoner.
HENRY: You should write an article, Joe; you’ve got something that’s publishable.
JOE: Thank you. (To Frankie) Now you see the problem. As any philosopher knows—you find one case that is acceptable, in this case where killing is acceptable; then the moral argument falls by the wayside. It’s all case by case then, instead of a debate about morality.
FRANKIE: Which is what we’re always trying to achieve with abortion.
JOE: Exactly. (Short Pause) Don’t get me wrong, I think the death penalty is inhuman. I’m just saying, see how tricky things can get? (Beat) Not to wax pretentious, but I do think the mind is really quite extraordinary. (Beat) The pursuit of truth is a bumpy road. But one we all have chosen to follow. Or we wouldn’t be teachers.
HENRY: Beautifully said, Joe.
PHILIP: But what the hell does any of that have to do with a hack playwright like Shaw?
(He laughs; the others laugh.)
JOE (Laughing): Nothing. Nothing at all, Phil!
(Pause. They sip their coffee.)
HENRY: What a provocative discussion.
FRANKIE: Katie, this must be very boring for you.
JOE: Nah, she’s used to it. She can take it.
KATIE: You should see him at home. Dinner’s like a senior seminar.
(Some light laughter.)
PHILIP: Lunch with Joe in the canteen is like a senior seminar.
FRANKIE: Mary says being married to him is like living in a senior seminar!
(Laughter.)
JOE: OK. OK. It’s not all that funny. (Beat. To Katie) I hope, young lady, you do not treat all of your teachers with such disrespect.
KATIE: I promise I save all of my disrespect for my father.
(Laughter.)
BETTY: Very good!
HENRY (Shushing her, under his breath): Betty!
FRANKIE (Over this exchange): As any child should!
(Laughter.)
PHILIP: Or does, you mean!
(Laughter. Pause. Philip picks up the bill and looks at it.)
HENRY: Is that the check?
PHILIP: Yes.
(He hands Henry the bill.)
BETTY: Katie, your father was telling me this afternoon that you’ve not been to England before.
KATIE: No I haven’t.
BETTY: How exciting it all must be for you.
KATIE: I’m having a good time. (Beat) The plays are great.
HENRY: Aren’t they. (Puts the bill back down) When do we go to Stratford?
JOE: Next Thursday. (To Frankie) Next Thursday?
(She nods.)
BETTY (To Katie): You’ll love Stratford.
HENRY (To Katie): You’ll come back to England in maybe ten years, Katie, and it’ll all still be here. That’s what I love about England. (Beat) We first came ten years ago.
(Short pause.)
FRANKIE: Last year’s plays were better, I think.
BETTY: Do you? Then they must have been really marvelous because so far— (Stops herself)
FRANKIE: I wasn’t saying that this year’s—
BETTY: No, no. I know you weren’t.
(Short pause.)
KATIE: The play today wasn’t bad.
JOE: Hear that, Phil? That’s one for me. (To Katie) Good for you.
KATIE: The woman who played Barbara, she was great, I thought.
FRANKIE: She was good.
HENRY: Excellent.
(Short pause.)
KATIE: The Undershaft, wasn’t he in Jewel in the Crown?
HENRY: Was he?
KATIE: I think so.
PHILIP: Hmmmmmm. (To Henry) You saw Jewel in the Crown, didn’t you?
HENRY: Not all of it.
PHILIP: Treat yourself. When it comes back on—
BETTY: We will.
(Short pause.)
JOE: Mary sends her best.
FRANKIE: You talked to her?
JOE: Katie and I did. (Beat) It’s her birthday.
PHILIP: Really? What a shame not to have you—
JOE: She understands. (Beat) It was important to her that Katie could come. So she’s happy.
(Short pause.)
PHILIP: Well—happy birthday, Mary!
THE OTHERS: Yes, happy birthday.
(Pause.)
JOE: Maybe we should pay this. (He takes the bill. Short pause. He turns to Frankie) What did you have Frankie?
FRANKIE: The veal.
JOE: Right. So should I be banker? (Beat) Let’s see that’s . . .
FRANKIE (Taking out money): Will this cover it?
JOE: One second.
BETTY (To Henry): What did we have?
HENRY: I had the lasagna. That was six pounds ten pence.
PHILIP: Plus tax and tip.
FRANKIE: I forgot about the tip. (Reaches into her purse for more money)
BETTY (Putting money down): This I’m sure will be plenty. (Beat) Won’t it?
JOE: And the wine? Do we all put in for the wine?
PHILIP: I certainly do. I must have had—
HENRY: I only had one glass. How much is one glass?
JOE: I’ll figure it out. A bottle was— How many glasses in a bottle?
BETTY: Five. No more than five. They’re big glasses.
KATIE: Dad—
JOE: Put your money away, I’ll pay for you.
KATIE: But I have money.
JOE: Save it. In this town, you’ll need it, trust me.
FRANKIE: Did the salad come with the entrée?
KATIE: I had ice cream.
JOE: I have that.
KATIE: And a coffee.
PHILIP: So did I.
BETTY: Wasn’t that an espresso?
PHILIP: Yes, yes, I’m sorry. Is that more?
JOE: One at a time. I have to do one at a time. This is getting too complicated.
SCENE 2
RYE, EAST SUSSEX
A garden behind a small cottage. A few tables, chairs. A path leads off in one direction. Harriet Baldwin, with a tray of tea, cups, etc., and Katie.
HARRIET: They must have gone down the path. He must be showing them Lamb House. If you want to catch up—
KATIE: No, thanks.
(Short pause. Katie rubs her shoulders as Harriet begins to set a table for tea.)
HARRIET: You’re not chilled, are you? We could sit inside. I suppose it may seem a little nippy.
KATIE: I’m fine. I have the sweater. And my coat is just—
HARRIET (Not listening): I find it— Such weather. I don’t know. Just bloody invigorating. One learns after all these years what the British see in their gardens. (Almost drops a teacup)
KATIE: Mrs. Baldwin, you’re sure I can’t—
HARRIET: Lamb House is where Henry James lived.
KATIE: I know. Dad read all about it to me on the train.
HARRIET: It’s much bigger than this house. He got the gout there. (Short pause) I suppose it’s half the reason Professor Baldwin and I have retired to here, if the truth be told.
KATIE: So Dad says.
HARRIET: Jamesian Sussex. (Beat) Just the name is quite seductive. Though we very seriously considered Dickensian London. At first I favored this. We even checked out a flat near the East End. (Beat) The Barbican Towers. Lovely. (Beat) Beautiful fountain. (Beat) Daniel Defoe Tower it was in. We both feel Defoe a very underrated writer. But they gave him a nice tower though. Your father, of course, Katie, kept suggesting Liverpool because of Hawthorne having been consul there. (Beat) We took the train up. (Beat) I don’t think your father’s ever really been to Liverpool.
KATIE: I don’t know.
HARRIET: There’s Wordsworth country, of course. We thought of this. (Beat) Stratford obviously was out of the question. One might as well be living in Connecticut. (Beat. She blows on her hands) It’s not that much warmer in there. The central heating is being put in. If we had known how much that would cost— But we did get all this for a very modest price. Something like this in the States— Something historic like this— (Beat) You couldn’t touch it. We couldn’t have touched it. (Beat) We consider ourselves very lucky, Katie. Very lucky. (Finishes setting the table) English, isn’t it?
KATIE: I’m sorry?
HARRIET: Joe’s hooked you for the department, I understand.
KATIE: Oh. Yes. I’m an English major now.
HARRIET: Excellent. A great department. Professor Baldwin knew how to pick teachers. So even though we’re retired . . . (Beat) You will not be sorry. Our English department is one of the best departments in the whole college.
(Orson Balwin, Joe and Philip enter from the path.)
PHILIP (To Orson): I stood right up and said—remember, I was only a sophomore. But I stood there and said to Professor Wilson—(To Joe) Did I ever tell you this?
JOE: What story are you telling now?
PHILIP: About quoting Gandhi to Professor Wilson.
JOE: Oh, that one.
PHILIP: I said to Professor Wilson—something like: let the judges be judged by the laws they enforce. I don’t remember the exact quote. (Beat) But what I meant was: if this faculty disciplinary committee was going to kick me out of school for stopping an army recruiter, then they were going to be judged by the war that recruiter was working for.
JOE: Wasn’t he clever, Orson?
ORSON: Who was going to judge them? I don’t get it.
PHILIP: I was talking—morally. I was after their consciences.
JOE: Wilson, I’m sure, would have been very upset.
PHILIP: The most liberal professor on the campus at the time. Half of my philosophy class with him was on pacifism.
JOE: I took the class. That’s why Gandhi’s just a brilliant idea.
PHILIP: Let’s say I made my point.
JOE: It must have blown his mind.
PHILIP: He hated the war as much as—
ORSON: I’ll find the sherry.
(Beat.)
JOE: Orson, I’m sorry, we’re—
ORSON: Please. Every generation needs its war stories. Sherry, Katie?
JOE: I don’t think she’s ever even had sherry, have you?
KATIE: I’ll pass. But thanks for asking, Professor Baldwin.
(Orson leaves in the direction of the house. Short pause.)
HARRIET: I’m also making tea.
PHILIP: You’re spoiling us.
(Short pause.)
JOE: Now, if I’d tried Gandhi on the town judge . . . (Beat) When we stopped our recruiter.
PHILIP (To Katie): This is a different recruiter. (To Joe) He’d either have tarred and feathered you—
JOE: Dumb as a brick, that man. Hated anyone from the college. You know he gave me a suspended sentence. It’s still on my record. In some people’s eyes even today I’m a criminal, a radical criminal.
HARRIET: In whose eyes? I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what you’re—
KATIE: They stopped a soldier from recruiting students for the war.
PHILIP: We each did. At different times.
JOE: I had already graduated. But I was still in Middlebury because Mary was still a student. (Beat) Phil was also still as student.
HARRIET: When was this? I haven’t heard anything about this.
JOE: Years and years ago, Harriet. The Dark Ages. (Beat. To Katie and Philip.) And I didn’t get any faculty committee, I was arrested. By the police. (Beat) Mary was pregnant with Katie. Fifty dollars for bail. That’s what I made in a week at the bookshop.
HARRIET: I’m sorry—which bookshop?
JOE: At the Grange. Before it was a movie theatre.
HARRIET: I loved that bookshop. (To Katie) It had a fireplace.
JOE: It was a gas. There wasn’t a chimney.
HARRIET: And big chairs. And a cat.
JOE: That was our cat. Before we had Katie, Mary and I had a cat.
PHILIP: I remember that cat. What was its name? Che?
JOE: I don’t remember.
KATIE: I think Mom said it was Che.
JOE: Who can remember? (To Philip) You had a dog named Fidel.
PHILIP: It wasn’t my dog. I didn’t feed it.
JOE: You named it.
(Short pause.)
PHILIP: How did we get on to . . .?
JOE: I don’t know. (Beat) Orson’s Henry James class. And to that from Lamb House.
PHILIP: That’s right.
JOE: Philip was saying how he had to cut Orson’s class so he could go and stop the recruiter.
PHILIP: I didn’t ask. I just did it. I was a sophomore.
HARRIET: You had to have been a good student to get into his James seminar as a sophomore.
PHILIP: This was second semester.
HARRIET: Still . . .
KATIE: And Professor Baldwin, he was understanding . . . about your cutting the class.
(Orson enters with the sherry and glasses.)
PHILIP: No, he tried to flunk me. He didn’t even stop there, he tried to get me kicked out of school. I thought he was a fascist. To this day, I can’t help tying Henry James to fascism. (Laughs)
JOE: Not completely off the mark.
HARRIET: (To Orson): Dear, I think these young men are calling you a fascist.
(Orson shrugs and sets down the drinks.)
JOE: Orson, you really tried to kick Philip out of school?
ORSON: I tried to kick them all out. (Beat) As for you, maybe I even talked to the town judge. I thought you should get at least six months. In a prison. (Short pause) You weren’t a student anymore so of course I was speaking only as a concerned citizen. (Beat) I think I talked to him. I wanted to at least.
(Pause.)
JOE (Suddenly laughs): You’re joking.
ORSON: No.
(Pause.)
PHILIP (To Joe): He tried to get you thrown into—?
JOE: But you hired me—both of us—right out of grad school. You brought us into the department.
ORSON: In life, you take one thing at a time. (Downs his sherry) My understanding was that my students were in college to study. Those who wished not to or had better, more relevant things to do, were welcome to go do them.
(Pause.)
PHILIP: (Changing the subject): Lamb House is quite beautiful, Katie. If you feel like it you really should go and take a look. (To Orson) James spent what? Maybe twenty years there.
ORSON: Didn’t you read the plaque?
(Frankie comes out of the house; she puts on her coat.)
FRANKIE: No one’s been murdered by terrorists today. Though Donna Silliman has left her passport on a bus.
ORSON: Silliman? Is that Jewish?
JOE: No. (Beat. Confused, he looks at the others) I think her background’s Greek. But what does that have to do with anything?
(Orson shrugs.)
FRANKIE: Henry’s taking her to the embassy.
ORSON: Henry?
PHILIP: Henry McNeil. He and his wife are with us as well.
ORSON: Really? The department is that affluent now? (Laughs to himself and shakes his head)
(Short pause.)
PHILIP (To Frankie): If you feel like it, Lamb House is just—
HARRIET: No one ever lost their passport when we ran the trip. (Beat) What sort of girl is this one?
ORSON: She’s not Jewish.
HARRIET: I heard this, Orson.
(Beat.)
JOE: Well— She’s— (Beat) She’s smart. (Beat) She’s fine. Isn’t she, Katie? Katie knows her.
KATIE: I don’t know her. I’ve talked to her a few times. She’s OK. She’s really OK. (Beat) I like her.
(Short pause.)
JOE (To Orson): Katie likes her.
(Orson nods and pours himself another sherry.)
(Looks at Frankie and Philip) Orson, since Henry McNeil’s name has come up on its own. Would you have a minute or two for business?
(Short pause.)
ORSON (Nodding toward Katie): What about . . .?
JOE: Katie, maybe you should go take a look at Lamb House now.
HARRIET: Or come inside with me. I was just about to make the salad.
KATIE: I’d be happy to help, Mrs. Baldwin. (To the others, as they go) I understand. Department business.
(They go into the house.)
JOE: It was easier, Orson, when she wasn’t going to the college. She wasn’t interested in anything we talked about then. Anyway, about Henry.
JOE: You probably do, but let me say it anyway.
ORSON: And I told you—
JOE: I know you did, but please, Orson, I’m the chairman of the department now, not you. (Short pause) Sorry.
ORSON: Never be sorry for saying the truth.
(Short pause.)
JOE: The dean says— (To Philip and Frankie) Correct me if I misstate. (To Orson) He says that we either release Henry after this term or offer him tenure track. It’s no more one-year contracts for him. (Beat) Of course he’s right. It isn’t fair to anyone.
ORSON: No. It isn’t. (Beat) But I gather, Mr. Chairman, that you don’t wish to offer him—
JOE: His degree, Orson, it’s from Case Western Reserve. That’s not exactly Harvard.
ORSON: No.
JOE: That is not our standard.
ORSON: No.
PHILIP: He’s been great to have, though. Really filled the gaps. Who else was going to teach Milton?
FRANKIE: He’s a dear, lovely man.
PHILIP: And Betty— Everyone adores her.
JOE: They paid their own way here. He wanted that much to come. (Beat) I guess he felt if he came then—
ORSON: He’s here to kiss ass, is that what you want to say?
JOE: No, I’m not— I wouldn’t put it that way. (Beat) He’s not official. His being here. That’s all I meant to say.
(Pause.)
PHILIP (Finally): Any advice, Orson?
ORSON (Turning to them): If you’re talking about next year—
JOE: We are.
ORSON: Then you’d better start interviewing, it’s already—
JOE: We have.
(Beat.)
ORSON: Then McNeil already knows.
JOE: No. (Beat) No, he doesn’t.
PHILIP: He’s hoping for one more year. He’s been applying all over the place. But he’s set his sights a little too high, we think.
ORSON: Of course! We’ve spoiled him!
FRANKIE: He’s had a couple of close calls.
JOE: Henry getting something, that would be the answer. That’s the hope.
ORSON: Yes, that would let you off the hook. (Laughs to himself. Short pause) I don’t see what choice you have but to tell him. Especially as you’ve begun to interview.
JOE: We’ve offered someone his job actually.
ORSON: Then—
JOE (Turning to Philip and Frankie): Young woman out of Yale. Very bright, isn’t she? She’ll teach Milton as well. Seems to be he’s even a hobby of hers, if you can believe that. (Laughs. No one else does. To Orson) She hasn’t signed the contract. I guess we could lose her. I had thought that maybe we shouldn’t tell Henry until we were absolutely sure we had this new person. I didn’t want to get the department in a hole.
ORSON: No. You don’t want to do that. Never do that. (Beat) The problem then is—what to tell Henry now.
JOE: I know you’ve had to deal with things like this before.
PHILIP: He’s spent a lot of money, just the airfares for him and Betty—
ORSON: Have you thought about telling McNeil the truth?
(Joe looks to Frankie and Philip.)
JOE: We’ve been telling him the truth, Orson. You don’t think that we’ve been lying—?
ORSON: I mean all the truth. Everything. Tell him he’s out. Come next year that is the fact, isn’t it?
JOE: Yes, but— (He looks at Philip and Frankie) Yes. That is the fact. Even if this woman from Yale doesn’t— I have a file of at least ten others.
ORSON: I’m thinking of the department now. (Turns and points his finger at Joe) As you should be, Joe. (Beat) The longer you wait the more resentful he’s going to be. This sort of situation, it can cause a lot of shit. Suddenly you have a teacher who isn’t bothering to teach anymore. This has happened, Joe.
JOE: I know the case you’re talking about.
PHILIP: If that’s the thinking, why not just tell Henry the last day of classes when he can’t do any harm? (Beat) I’m not suggesting this.
ORSON: It wouldn’t work. He’d have forced the issue weeks before with the dean. (Beat) You tell him now, you also tell him he’s got a recommendation from you whenever he needs it. Whether he’s resentful or not there’s his reason for behaving himself.
(Pause.)
JOE: Then the right thing seems to be to tell him. (Beat) The truth.
ORSON: If I were you.
(Short pause.)
PHILIP: I agree with Orson. We should tell him.
FRANKIE: We have to, Joe. (Beat. To Philip) I love Henry, don’t you?
(Short pause.)
JOE: Then— OK. (To Frankie and Philip) I’ll do it. While we’re here, I’ll do it. (Beat) This week I’ll— (Beat) Tomorrow I will do it. (Beat) Thanks, Orson. Thanks for your wisdom.
(Orson nods and pours himself more sherry.)
ORSON (Pouring): Too bad Henry’s not black. He’d get a job like that. (Snaps his fingers)
PHILIP: Orson, that’s— (Stops himself)
ORSON: How are the children, Frankie?
FRANKIE: Great. (Beat) And Howard’s great, too. Sends his best.
JOE: Howard was given the Stirling Biology Chair, you know.
ORSON: I read this in the Alumni Review. Congratulations.
(Harriet and Katie come out.)
HARRIET: Can we come out now? You looked from the window like you were winding down.
ORSON: I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to—
HARRIET: Dinner will be ready in ten minutes.
(They sit. Pause.)
ORSON: Anyone want more sherry?
(They shake their heads.)
HARRIET: So how many students do you have with you this year?
JOE: It’s twenty-two, isn’t it? Counting Katie.
KATIE: Why wouldn’t you count me, I’m a student.
JOE: And we’ve seen what? Fifteen plays so far, in the first two and a half weeks. Another, I think—
PHILIP: Twelve or thirteen to go.
FRANKIE: We’ve seen some wonderful things. We’ll be in Stratford later this week.
ORSON: The students will love that. When I ran this course Stratford was always the high point. (Short pause. Laughs to himself) I remember a Much Ado we saw—
JOE: I think I was with you that year.
FRANKIE: We saw a Misanthrope that was very funny, Orson.
ORSON: I don’t like French plays. I don’t know why.
PHILIP: There was the Shaw. Katie just loved the Shaw.
KATIE (Smiling): I didn’t say I loved it that much!
JOE: Don’t back down now!
(He laughs. All except the Baldwins laugh.)
ORSON: Shaw is very underestimated today. Very. You know they’ve discovered some letters between James and Shaw. Very interesting.
HARRIET: You’ve been to the National, I suppose.
FRANKIE: A few times already. It’s like nothing else, is it?
(Short pause.)
PHILIP: At one of the buffets we had a main course and wine and it cost what?
FRANKIE: Five pounds at the most.
JOE: Not even that much.
PHILIP: It was under three. I mean, it was cheap.
FOYLE’S BOOKSHOP, STREET LEVEL
A large table full of books with only their spines showing (the sale table). Joe, Philip and Henry browse through the books on the table. Pause. Philip picks up a book.
PHILIP (To Joe): Have you read this?
JOE: Oh God.
PHILIP: I know what you mean.
(He puts the book back. Pause.)
HENRY (With a book): This I found pretty interesting.
JOE: Did you?
(Pause. They browse.)
PHILIP (With another book): I think he really missed the boat on Whitman.
JOE: He’s good on Irving though.
PHILIP: I didn’t realize anyone even read him on Irving anymore.
(Beat) I didn’t realize anyone read Irving anymore. (Looks to Henry)
HENRY: I don’t.
(Joe picks up a book.)
PHILIP: What’s that?
JOE (Putting it back): Second printing. (Picks up another) Ever met him?
PHILIP: Booth? No.
JOE: You should, it’s an experience.
HENRY: I question some of the things he has to say about Conrad.
PHILIP: You do?
(Beat.)
HENRY: You know I did my thesis on Conrad.
PHILIP: Then you should know. (Short pause. He looks at the picture of Booth on the book) We shared a table at the MLA one day. If you’d had to watch him eat, you’d never read a word he wrote again. (Philip has taken the book and now puts it back) At least not on art.
JOE (Without looking up): In Chicago? (Beat) Was the MLA that year in Chicago?
PHILIP (Browsing): Atlanta.
(Beat.)
HENRY: I was at the one in Chicago.
(Pause.)
JOE: Philip was there, too, weren’t you? You brought that Native American Indian woman to dinner with us. To this day, Mary thinks he’s interested in Native American literature.
PHILIP: I’ve done some research! (Laughs) She was beautiful. Made Chicago almost bearable. Though I do remember being tired all the time. (Laughs)
JOE (To Henry): And Mary keeps saying he needs to be fixed up. That’s how little she understands men.
(They browse.)
Jesus Christ. (Picks up a book) This is the sort of thing that should be burned. (Opens it) I know for a fact that he spent just two years on Hawthorne at the Princeton Library. In and out of Hawthorne scholarship in two years! And he writes a book. (Beat) Junk. Nothing’s digested. This is the sort of thing that drives me crazy. (Beat. He puts the book back, continues to browse. Without looking up) I reviewed it for the Hawthorne Quarterly. You’d think I’d raped his daughter, the letter he wrote me. (Laughs)
PHILIP: I don’t see anything I want here. I’m going upstairs to drama.
JOE: I’ll stay down here with Henry.
HENRY: I was thinking of going—
JOE: Stay with me. Come on.
(Henry looks to Philip.)
I’d like the company.
PHILIP: We’ll meet here in an hour and then go to Dillons.
JOE: Fine.
PHILIP (To Henry): OK?
HENRY: Sure. Yeah. I didn’t know we were—
PHILIP: Where’s Betty?
HENRY: She’s probably in fiction.
PHILIP: Good for her. That’s where I’d be if I only had the time. (As he leaves) She can come to Dillons as well of course.
(He goes. Short pause.)
JOE: I thought that went without saying. About Betty coming with us.
HENRY: It does. Of course it does.
JOE: Show me what you’re getting?
HENRY (Picking up the pile of paperbacks at his feet): I’ll probably put a few back.
JOE: Huh. (Beat) Nice. The Penguins though you probably can get half off. There are a million places that— Just down the street, at the Penguin shop, in the basement. They’re used, but . . .
HENRY: I wouldn’t care about that. I happen to even prefer used paperbacks. It’s sort of a thing of mine . . .
JOE: I’d look there first.
HENRY: Thanks. I’ll put these back.
JOE: Henry? (Beat) Also, on the corner—
HENRY: The used shop. I’ve been—
JOE: With the green front.
HENRY: Right. I know, when you go in—
JOE: Also in the cellar. There’s a whole room of Penguins.
HENRY: There are? (Beat) Terrific.
(Long pause. Joe slowly checks out Henry’s pile of books. Henry pretends to browse.)
JOE: Just wanted to save you some money.
HENRY: I appreciate it. I do. (Beat) So I guess now I can buy a few more books. (Laughs) It’s a disease, it really is, isn’t it? That’s what Betty calls it. She says that if I were given the choice between a last meal or a last book, I’d—
JOE (Not listening; looking through one of his books): I hadn’t realized . . .
HENRY: What? (Beat) Looks interesting, doesn’t it? I figure if I’m teaching Milton I might as well— You know.
JOE: That’s quite admirable.
(Pause.)
HENRY: I love teaching Milton actually.
JOE: That’s—lucky.
(Joe laughs, then Henry joins in, a little nervously. Short pause.)
(Going back to browsing) No luck with the job hunt, I suppose.
HENRY: You’d be the first to hear, Joe. After Betty. Of course.
JOE: Right, I didn’t think— (Stops himself) She’s incredibly well liked, you know. One hears that all the time.
(Henry nods.)
HENRY: Joe. I know it’d make life a lot easier for you, if I got—
JOE: That is so like you, Henry! (Beat) Here you are, with a problem, and what do you do? You worry about me? (Pats him on the back) You are something.
HENRY: It’s a tight market out there.
JOE: Tell me about it. The number of applications I get . . . You wouldn’t want to know. (Beat) But I’ve got to think, you—Henry, you!
(Pause. Joe pretends to browse again.)
HENRY: Joe, if I ask you something, you’ll be honest with me won’t you?
JOE: You have to ask that??
HENRY: I mean it. The truth, OK? (Beat) Not just for me, but for Betty and the kids. I just need to know.
JOE: Henry, what are you talking about?
HENRY: I know maybe I should have waited for you to bring it up. But it’s why you wanted to talk to me, isn’t it? Why you didn’t want me to go with—?
JOE: Henry, you’re not making any sense.
HENRY: Joe, is there any chance of my keeping my job past June? (Beat) Look, I’ve accepted that tenure track is out of the question. I’ve put that out of my mind.
JOE: That—was a good thing to do. (Beat) I would not count on getting tenure track.
HENRY: No. (Laughs to himself) I don’t anymore. But still with one more year under my belt. One more year and, Joe, I’d be pretty damn attractive to a lot of colleges.
JOE: You’re attractive to a lot of colleges already, Henry. You just need to get a little lucky.
HENRY: I do have two interviews lined up.
JOE (Big smile): Now that’s good to hear! Great for you, Henry. I told everyone it would only be a matter of time.
HENRY: They’re both with high schools, Joe.
(Short pause.)
JOE: Oh shit.
HENRY: Is there any chance at all of my staying on for one more year? I’m not asking for a definite yes, just is there a chance? (Beat) You know I’d teach anything.
JOE: That’s never been an issue.
HENRY: If I had a whole year more. You see what I’m saying. There’s hardly anything out there now. Whereas next year, I know for sure of three positions, because of retirements . . .
(Joe is looking back at the table of books.)
I’m sorry, if this isn’t the right time. You want to look at—
JOE (Looking up): No. No.
(Short pause.)
HENRY: Have you already hired someone to replace me? (Beat) You have, haven’t you?
JOE: Who told you that? Henry, with you still thinking that you could be hired back?
HENRY: Then you haven’t?
JOE: We’ve interviewed. Of course.
HENRY: I’ve heard this. This does not surprise me. That’s OK.
JOE: I wouldn’t want to give you a lot of hope.
HENRY: I’m not asking for a lot. (Short pause) Joe. Look at me and tell me.
JOE (Looking at him): No one’s been hired yet. No.
HENRY: OK. Good. (Breathes deeply) Excellent. Thank you. Just to have this talk has made this trip worthwhile. I’ll go find Betty and tell her we’re going to Dillons.
JOE: And put those Penguins back and save yourself some money.
HENRY: I will. I’ll do that. Thanks. Thanks a lot, Joe. (He turns to go and sees Betty who has just entered) There you are.
BETTY: The system they have in this store, it drives me crazy. First you have to find the book. Then you stand in one line to get a bill, you take the bill to the cash line, you pay the cash person, then you go back—
HENRY: Buy it at Dillons. We’re going there next.
BETTY: Are we?
JOE: Actually I’m set to go anytime. We just have to find Philip.
HENRY: I’ll find him. I have to put these books back anyway.
JOE: He’s up in drama.
HENRY: That’s what he said. (Turns to go, then back to Betty) You don’t mind? About Dillons?
BETTY: No.
HENRY: Good. Thanks. (Hurries off)
(Joe goes back to looking through the books. Pause.)
BETTY: You didn’t tell him, did you, Joe?
(Joe looks up.)
JOE: About?
BETTY: You’ve hired his replacement. (Beat) Frankie told me last night after all of you got back from the Baldwins’.
JOE: She did, did she.
BETTY: I asked her and she told me. I knew you’d have been talking about Henry’s situation. And Frankie had the guts to tell me the truth.
JOE: Betty, how do you know what I’ve told Henry and what I haven’t told—
BETTY: He won’t even go to his interviews, Joe! He’s dreaming. And what are we supposed to do? I don’t even know where we’ll live. Do you know how much this trip cost? Do you know why he insisted we come? (Beat) He was hoping if we hung around with—
JOE: I know!!! (Short pause) It’s going to break his heart to teach high school.
BETTY: True enough.
JOE (Turning to her): You want to break his heart?!!!
BETTY: That doesn’t make sense, Joe.
(Pause.)
JOE: I only want to be kind. I think there is a place for kindness in this world! A place for caring! For decency! (Short pause. He rubs his eyes, then leans on the table, sighs) Look. I talked to him, OK? Two minutes ago.
BETTY: You told him? You actually told him you’d hired—?
JOE: You saw how he looked. You can thank me for being so gentle with him.
BETTY: And he understood you? (Beat) And he understood you?!
JOE: I was as clear as I could be, Betty. I can’t do any more than that.
BETTY: I suppose not.
(Short pause.)
JOE: You know Henry. He dreams. He hears what he wants to hear sometimes.
BETTY: OK.
JOE: But if you’re saying what I should have done was shove the fact in his face, well—
BETTY: No, Joe, no.
JOE: I did the best I could. And it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do to a friend. And Henry is my friend, Betty.
(Beat. She nods.)
So it is done. It’s done. Now enough is enough. (He starts to browse again) I even saved him some money on some books.
JOE (Picking up a book): Catch!
(He throws her the book. She catches it.)
I understand you like fiction. I hear that’s good. I don’t have much time for fiction myself . . . (Beat) Let me buy that for you. I think it’s only fifty pence.
SCENE 4
LYTTELTON BUFFET
Joe and Joanne Smith sit at a table; pastry and tea in front of them. Joanne has a small shoebox beside her.
JOANNE: No, I didn’t mean that! I love Stratford. I really do. And the Royal Shakespeare Company, it’s— It’s world famous, isn’t it? What more could you want? (Beat) It’s just—
JOE: Joanne, I know what you’re going to say.
JOANNE: I don’t think you can—
JOE: You’re going to say, the problem with Stratford is—Well, to be brutally blunt, it’s all the Americans. Right?
JOANNE: How did you—?
JOE: Look, I feel the same way. Every time I go there it drives me crazy.
JOANNE: You, too? Professor Taylor, I can’t tell you how—
JOE: I don’t know what it is about the place. Attracts them like flies.
JOANNE: London’s not nearly so bad.
JOE: They at least hesitate in London.
JOANNE: By and large they do.
JOE: But in Stratford! Last year I think six different people came up to me. I hadn’t said anything. I had even avoided eye contact. But if they sniff you out as an American—
JOANNE: Which in Stratford does not take a bloodhound.
JOE: I tried once wearing a nice tweed cap. I loved this cap. Some guy from Louisiana nearly knocks me down, he was so excited to tell me he’d bought the same sort of cap in Edinburgh. (Pronounces the “gh” as a strong “g”)
JOANNE: I know they come right at you.
JOE: Why do I care where they’re from, this is what I don’t understand. So they happen to be American and so am I. So big deal.
JOANNE: Right.
JOE: We have nothing in common. I don’t know— They make the whole thing feel cheap.
JOANNE: By “the whole thing” you mean being here.
JOE: Absolutely.
JOANNE: I get the same feeling.
JOE: For you it must be— Because you’re actually living here. You’re a resident and everything. (Beat) Then to be taken for a tourist.
JOANNE: It drives me crazy. So I hardly go to Stratford anymore. And never. Never in the summer.
JOE: That must be a nightmare. The summer.
JOANNE: Imagine your worst nightmare and then double it.
(Pause. They sip their tea.)
JOE (Taking a bite of a pastry): Delicious. Would you like to try—?
(She shakes her head no.)
JOANNE: I used to feel a little funny about it. They are after all from my country. But— (Beat) Then you hear them shout.
JOE (Eating): If they just acted like they were guests.
JOANNE: My husband doesn’t mind. He finds them sort of—
JOE: But he’s not American. So he’s not the one being embarrassed.
JOANNE: That’s true. Well put. (Beat) I’ll explain it that way to him. (Short pause) Sometimes when I’m in a shop I try not to say anything. I just point. Maybe they’ll think I’m English or something. Maybe that I don’t even speak English. That I’m foreign. So I point.
JOE: The accents some people have.
JOANNE: They don’t hear themselves. (Beat) Sometimes it’s funny, but sometimes— (Short pause) Anyway.
JOE: Right. Anyway.
(She starts to open the box.)
JOANNE: It’s good to talk to someone who— Well— You know.
JOE: I know. (Offering her the last bit of pastry) Are you sure?
JOANNE: No, thanks. (She starts to take out piles of tickets with rubber bands around them)
JOE (Eating the last bite): Incredible, the caliber of food sold in a theatre.
JOANNE: Here’s the last lot.
JOE (Eating): Everyone—by the way—has been raving about the seats we’ve had.
JOANNE: Good, I’m pleased to hear that. You never really know what you’ll get.
JOE: I don’t think we’ve had one bad seat.
JOANNE: Knock wood. So—here’s for this afternoon, the Lyttelton. It’s wonderful by the way. You’ll have a great time.
JOE: Terrific.
JOANNE (Handing over bunches of tickets): The Simon Gray is tonight. (Beat) It’s short. (Beat) Tomorrow’s Stratford. Friday’s Stratford again. Then the day off. That’s correct, isn’t it?
JOE (Going over his list that he has taken out): That’s correct.
JOANNE: Good. (Beat) Then there’s Saturday night back at the Barbican. I finally got Les Mis on Monday.
JOE: Thank you. Mary and I saw it in New York. The kids’ll love it.
JOANNE: Tuesday, the Royal Court.
JOE: What’s there?
JOANNE: I forget. It’s in previews.
JOE: Oh really. That could be fun.
JOANNE: Something very Royal Courtish to be sure.
JOE: I know what you mean. (Laughs to himself)
JOANNE: Something at Wyndham’s on Wednesday afternoon, then a free evening and you’re gone on Thursday. So there you have the rest of it. (Pushes the tickets toward him) James, I’m afraid, is working late these days in the city. He sends his regrets about Wednesday night.
JOE (Looking at the tickets): I’m sorry to hear—
JOANNE: But if you wouldn’t mind my coming alone . . .
JOE (Looking up): Alone? Of course not! Why would we mind? (Beat) James must be doing very well.
JOANNE: He is. He is. (Beat) We’re going to buy a boat.
(Beat.)
JOE: We haven’t decided on the restaurant. But I’ll—
JOANNE: There’s no rush. I’m home most nights. (Beat) And there’s a machine.
JOE: I’ll call. When we’ve decided.
JOANNE: Good.
(Philip has entered with a tray.)
PHILIP: Joe, would you excuse me for a second? (To Joanne) Sorry to interrupt.
JOE: Philip, you haven’t met Joanne Smith.
PHILIP: I don’t believe I—
JOE: Joanne, Philip Brown.
JOANNE: How do you do?
PHILIP: How do you do? (To Joe) I don’t mean to—
JOE: Joanne’s the one who bought us the theatre tickets.
PHILIP: Oh right! Joe’s former student. Wonderful seats. Every show’s been great.
JOE (To Joanne): See what I mean? (To Philip) Come and sit with us.
PHILIP: Frankie’s in line—
JOE: She can join us, too. Sit down. Come on, there’s room.
(Philip puts his tray down.)
And now—tell us what’s the news on the Rialto? (Laughs. No one else does)
PHILIP: Donna Silliman’s still missing.
JOE (Looking at his watch): She’s going to miss another play. What do some of these kids think they’re here for?!
JOANNE: What’s this?—
PHILIP: One of our students, she wasn’t in her room last night, and— Well, you heard.
JOE: I just do not understand this kind of thing!
JOANNE: But I guess it’s got to happen all the time.
PHILIP: Every year. Something happens every year.
JOE: This one’s already lost her passport once.
JOANNE: There’s always one.
PHILIP: We got from one of the students that she’s been seeing some boy. From Amherst, if you can believe it. He’s with another school group. We’re trying to find out what hotel they’re staying in.
PHILIP: Frankie did. She charged it to your room. It didn’t seem fair to have it on her expenses.
JOE: That’s fair.
PHILIP: It seems that yesterday and today—Frankie should tell you herself—but these are their free days and the students have been encouraged to travel around a little bit. So Donna probably went with the guy somewhere.
JOE: So she’ll be back tomorrow. When we’re in Stratford. (Beat) Great.
PHILIP: She probably hasn’t thought to look at the schedule.
JOANNE: I am sure it will all work out.
JOE (To Philip): Speaking of Frankie, where was she last night?
PHILIP: Last night? We were all at the theatre. What was the name of that play? After a while they begin to blur, don’t they?
JOANNE: I can check the— (Takes out her schedule)
JOE: I mean later. After Katie told me about Donna, I knocked on Frankie’s door.
PHILIP: And she didn’t answer?
(Joe shakes his head.)
That’s funny. (Shrugs) I don’t know. Maybe she’s a sound sleeper, Joe. (Beat) Why are you asking me?
JOANNE: It was Les Liaisons Dangereuses.
PHILIP: What was?
JOANNE: The play we saw last night.
PHILIP: That’s right. With the girl with the naked back. I remember that one.
(Frankie enters with a tray.)
FRANKIE: Is there room for—
JOE: Of course there is. Philip, move over.
FRANKIE: I could sit—
JOE: No. No. (To Joanne) Frankie Lewis, Joanne Smith.
PHILIP: Joanne’s the woman who—
FRANKIE: Yes, we met the other day. Katie introduced us.
JOANNE: Yes, that’s right.
FRANKIE: Each day the seats get even better. (Nods to Philip) Philip.
FRANKIE: Phil’s told you, I gather.
PHILIP: Told what?
JOE: That we have a runaway.
PHILIP: That. Yes, he knows.
FRANKIE: I wouldn’t say “runaway.” That’s a little melodramatic, wouldn’t you say? She’ll be back.
JOE: When we’re in Stratford.
FRANKIE: They’re not children, Joe. (To Joanne) You were a student of Joe’s.
JOE: My first year teaching.
JOANNE: I even babysat for Katie. (To Joe) I didn’t tell you we had tea one afternoon last week. She’s really— She’s grown up.
FRANKIE (To Joe): That’s where we ran into each other. At the Tate.
JOANNE: Right. And Katie introduced us.
FRANKIE (Picking up the Hamleys bag she brought with her): This is in your way.
JOANNE: No, it’s—
FRANKIE: I’ll set it over here. (She does) Something for the boys from Hamleys.
JOE: Frankie has two beautiful boys.
JOANNE: Congratulations.
(Short pause. Suddenly Philip laughs to himself.)
PHILIP: It’s funny—but when I first came in and saw Joe talking with a strange attractive young woman—
JOE: Joanne Smith.
PHILIP: I know. But I didn’t know then. I didn’t know you knew her, Joe. (Shakes his head and laughs) So my first thought, seeing these two, was—now that is so unlike Joe Taylor. (Laughs) But then it turns out you do know her. She even used to babysit . . . (Laughs. The others are confused about what he is saying) Never mind.
(Pause.)
FRANKIE (To Joe): Donna Silliman will come back to the hotel, find we’re gone, we’ll leave a message and she can take a train and join us or wait for us. (Beat) What else can we do?
PHILIP: Oh Joe, you wanted to ask Frankie about last night?
PHILIP: He knocked on your door. What time was that?
JOE: About—four.
PHILIP: About four, he knocked. I told him you must be a very sound sleeper.
FRANKIE: Well I am, Joe. (Beat) I am a very sound sleeper. Everyone knows that.
PHILIP: Hopefully, not everyone.
(He laughs. Then the others laugh. Finally Frankie joins in.)
FRANKIE: I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m still getting over my jet lag. (Beat) But at least I don’t go dozing off in the middle of a show.
JOE: Once! The second night we’re here!
FRANKIE (To Joanne): He refused to take a nap.
PHILIP: He kept saying he’d taken this trip so many times, he didn’t need a—
JOE: OK! OK! (Beat) Christ, will you ever let me forget it?
(Short pause.)
FRANKIE: I’m sorry I didn’t hear you knock.
(Joe nods. Beat.)
JOE: Joanne’s been to the play we’re seeing this afternoon. She loved it.
JOANNE: It’s very funny. I love those old Aldwych farces. They’re so English.
JOE: They really are.
JOANNE: I don’t think they’d work at all in America today, do you?
JOE: I can’t see how. It takes a special . . .
JOANNE: I know what you mean. (Beat) James’s family is right out of one of those plays actually. (Laughs to herself) The first time I met them— They don’t live posh or anything like that, but there is a cook. She used to be James’s nanny. (Beat) One of the family, she is. And everyone is always saying that. Helen from Glasgow. (Beat) They could not have been kinder to me. James’s father, Freddy—he insists I call him Freddy—and once he gets into a chair you begin to wonder if he’ll ever move out of it. (Beat) Or so his mother says. James’s sister made us all watch the telly. James tried to argue but I said I’d love to. I’d only been here a month and I’d hardly got used to English telly so I thought here was my chance to ask questions. (Beat) So this man comes on; he tries to make some jokes which are not funny, I think to myself. Then he says something like: “The girl went up to the boy and put her hand into his—” He paused and a middle-aged woman completes the sentence with: “—her hand into his golf bag.” And everyone laughs. (Beat) Even James laughed I noticed. This is peculiar I think to myself. (Beat) “Into his golf bag.” She continues now: “—and pulls out a club which she used to wiggle his—” She pauses and a middle-aged man now completes the sentence with: “Wiggle his tee out of the ground.” (Short pause. She sips her tea)
JOE: Huh.
JOANNE: This goes on and on. And when it ends the man who started it all drops his trousers to reveal that his underpants look like the British flag. (Short pause) What’s amazing about England is that in time you begin to find this sort of thing funny as well. (Beat) Or so I’m told. James says it’s the weather. (Beat) In any event, I don’t think a good old Aldwych farce would work in America.
JOE: No.
PHILIP: No.
(Pause.)
FRANKIE: Have you lived in London long, Joanne?
JOANNE: About sixteen and a half months.
(Short pause.)
PHILIP: It must have been a lot of work getting us the tickets.
JOANNE: It was fun. I love it. (Beat) I love going to the theatre. Even going to the box office. It’s something to do. (Beat) Professor Taylor, I’d love to do it again next year.
JOE (Hardly before she’s finished): Consider yourself hired! (To the others) Right?
FRANKIE: Absolutely.
JOANNE: Thanks. Thank you. (Beat. She begins to stand up) I should be going. You all probably have a million things to do.
JOE: Us? No. We have nothing to do. What time’s the show?
FRANKIE: 2:30.
JOE: 2:30. We’ve got another hour.
(Joanne sits back down. Pause.)
(Finally) Frankie, I’m sure I don’t need to say this, but I do think we should try to keep it to ourselves.
FRANKIE: Keep what to ourselves??
JOE: That Katie was the one who told us about Donna Silliman not being in her room. (Beat) Last night. Before I knocked on your door. And you were asleep. (Beat) I don’t want the kids to start thinking she’s a . . .
PHILIP: Spy?
JOE: Yeah. I guess. Yeah.
JOANNE: That must be hard for Katie.
JOE: She handles it well.
JOANNE: Oh, I’m sure she—
JOE: There’s Henry and Betty.
(Henry and Betty enter with trays.)
Over here! There’s room over here! (To the others) Let’s squish together a little more.
(They do.)
BETTY: You’re too crowded. We’ll sit outside.
JOE: It’s raining.
BETTY: It stopped.
JOE: It’s wet then.
HENRY: If you think there’s room.
JOE: Of course there’s room.
(Everyone starts to squeeze together; Joanne stands.)
JOANNE: Actually, look at the time. I should be off.
JOE: There’s plenty of—
JOANNE: Really. I just noticed the time. Thanks.
(She goes. They sit.)
PHILIP: She’s the one who bought the tickets.
HENRY: Oh. (Stands and shouts) Beautiful seats!!!
JOE: Don’t shout.
HENRY: What?
JOE: Never mind.
(Long pause.)
(To Philip) What if she gets pregnant?
(Philip quickly turns to Frankie then back to Joe.)
PHILIP: What?
JOE: Donna Silliman. On this trip. What if she got pregnant? She could you know.
PHILIP: Perhaps even as we speak.
FRANKIE: Philip!
PHILIP: But really is that our problem? (Beat) You’re not leading up to a discussion of abortion rights, are you?
JOE: No. (Laughs) No. (Beat) I could if you want.
FRANKIE: That’s OK.
(Pause. Betty and Henry eat.)
JOE: Look, while I have you all together like this.
FRANKIE: Like what?
PHILIP: He means—so uncomfortable.
BETTY: If we’re in the way—
JOE: I just want you all to know that I know I’m the chairman of the department. So you can relax. (Beat) For better or worse that is the case. And as the chairman I personally will accept full responsibility for what happens to any of the students. OK? Do you hear me—I accept full responsibility. So the rest of you can relax.
FRANKIE: Thanks.
(Short pause.)
HENRY: Baldwin, when he was chairman, would never have had the guts to say that.
(Betty sighs and turns away.)
What? What did I say?
(Awkward pause as they try to eat and drink their tea crammed together like this.)
JOE (Who has been hiding his face in the box full of tickets): Who’s going to keep the tickets? If they’re left with me they’re sure to end up lost.
(Laughs. No one else does.)
SCENE 5
WATERLOO BRIDGE
Joe and Henry walk back across the bridge from the National Theatre. Late afternoon.
JOE: Let’s stop here. Wait for them to catch up. (Beat) It’s just drizzling.
HENRY: I didn’t even notice.
(Short pause. Joe looks back. Henry looks back.)
They’re taking pictures.
(Beat.)
JOE: It was a wonderful performance, didn’t you think? (Laughs to himself) The English have such a delicious sense of humor.
HENRY: Very well put. (Beat) When he hid under the table—
JOE: You heard me laughing?
HENRY: I think I was laughing even louder.
JOE: That I very much doubt. (Laughs. Short pause) The butler was excellent. He never changed his expression.
HENRY: A very good actor.
(Short pause.)
JOE: We could keep . . . (He nods ahead) If you want.
HENRY: I don’t mind waiting.
(Short pause.)
JOE: Quite the view.
(Henry nods. Beat.)
HENRY: Though I think it’s even more impressive from the National’s side.
(Short pause.)
JOE (Suddenly turning to Henry): While I have you like—
HENRY (Who has turned at the same time, and speaks at the same time): Joe, I just want to—
(They both stop. They laugh.)
Go ahead.
JOE: No, no. Please.
(Beat.)
HENRY: I only wanted to say that— I want to apologize for the way Betty’s been acting.
JOE: Why? How has she been—?
HENRY: I don’t know what’s gotten into her. I’ve told her I think she’s being quite a drag on the whole—
JOE: Henry, she’s—
HENRY: Why, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the pressure about the job. I try to tell her things do work out. (Laughs) But— (Smiles and shrugs) Maybe she’s just a little homesick.
JOE: Maybe.
(Beat.)
HENRY: When this whole trip is over I’m sure she’ll realize what a good time she had.
JOE: Of course she will. (Short pause) Quite the view. (Beat) Sometimes I think it all looks like a postcard. That I’m inside a postcard. You ever feel that way? (He turns and faces Henry, putting his hand on his shoulders)
HENRY: A lot.
(Joe smiles and nods and begins to turn back.)
So what were you—? You were going to say something. (Beat) You started—
JOE: Henry . . . (Beat) Look, I have no right to ask you for a favor.
HENRY: What are you talking about? You can say this with all the favors you have done me?
JOE: I’ve done nothing. (Beat) You paid your own way here. What you do with your time—
HENRY: Ask me the favor, Joe. Ask me!
JOE: Promise me, if you don’t want to—
HENRY: Ask, for Christ’s sake.
(Short pause.)
JOE (Turning and looking over the Thames): Philip is staying behind tomorrow. To wait for Donna Silliman. (Beat) The Amherst class is due to check back into their hotel by two tomorrow. We think it’s a fair guess that Donna will be at ours around the same time.
HENRY: So Phil’s going to be waiting at the hotel. I think that is a very good idea. I support this, Joe.
JOE: Good. (Beat) I’m pleased you agree. I am. I need your support.
HENRY: You can always count on that.
JOE: I know. I do. (Short pause) But that wasn’t the favor, Henry. (Beat) Phil, I think, should have some company while he’s waiting.
HENRY: And that’s what you want me to do.
JOE: I have no right to ask this.
HENRY: You have every right. Donna’s been one of my students. I have a responsibility here as well.
JOE: That’s very very generous, Henry.
HENRY: Bull. It’s what anyone would do. So—it’s settled. I’ll stay behind. Have you talked to Phil about this?
JOE: He suggested it.
HENRY: I’m flattered.
JOE: He wanted company. (Beat) He wanted your company.
HENRY: Who likes to be alone? Should we keep out hotel rooms for the day?
JOE: No. I don’t want this costing you anything. You can wait in the lobby. And the second she shows up, you and Phil bring Donna to Stratford.
HENRY: By train?
JOE: I suppose so. I leave that up to you. Maybe there’s a bus. I don’t know. (Beat) Henry, you do this and I think the department will owe you at least a dinner.
HENRY: I don’t expect anything.
JOE: And we’ll make sure Betty’s—
HENRY: She won’t give you any trouble.
JOE: I meant, we’ll look after her. (Short pause) Beautiful night. The rain makes it very impressionistic. (Beat) I wonder how much a sign like that cost.
HENRY: Just the electricity. The number of flashing bulbs.
JOE: The National Theatre really must have money.
HENRY (Looking back): They’re coming now.
JOE (Ignoring him, recites):
This City now doth, like a garment, wear
The beauty of the morning; silent, bare,
Ships, towers, domes, theatres, and temples lie
Open unto the fields, and to the sky . . .
(Beat.)
HENRY: Wrong bridge.
JOE: Yes. I know.
HENRY: I didn’t mean to—
JOE (Ignoring him): The last time I was on this trip, I tried to get Baldwin to get a group, students, some of the teachers, whoever wanted to, nothing formal, and we’d all get up very early and go to Westminster Bridge, and just as the sun began to rise, we’d read—
HENRY: That poem.
JOE (Turning to Henry): Just how Wordsworth wrote it. But Baldwin said who the hell would get up at dawn.
HENRY: He’s wrong. I would. (Beat) Maybe when we get back to London—
JOE: You think others would come?
(Betty and Frankie enter, both under umbrellas.)
BETTY (To Henry): Others would come where? And how much does it cost?
FRANKIE (To Joe): Aren’t you soaked? Here, get under the umbrella.
(He does.)
HENRY: It’s a surprise. Right, Joe? For when we all get back.
(Philip enters with his camera.)
PHILIP: Wait a minute. Let me get one of the four of you.
(They stop and turn to him.)
FRANKIE: When we get back from where?
JOE: From Stratford.
FRANKIE: Right, now we go to Stratford.
(As she finishes her line, flash from camera.)
JOE: Another one.
(Awkward pause as they wait for Philip to take the photo.)