SCENE 6
IN FRONT OF THE ROYAL SHAKESPEARE THEATRE, STRATFORD-UPON-AVON
Joe and an American man, during the interval of the matinee. Joe has a rolled-up poster under his arm and eats ice cream from a cup; the American smokes a cigarette and looks through a program.
AMERICAN: They don’t have any pictures of the actors in their costumes. (Beat) Did you notice?
(Joe shakes his head.)
A shame. The costumes are terrific.
JOE: Please. (Beat) Please, don’t shout.
AMERICAN: He’s good. (Points to a picture) Don’t you think he’s good?
(Joe eats and nods.)
What a costume he’s got. (Beat) You got a poster. I was thinking of getting one. Which one did you get?
(Joe hesitates, then shows him.)
Maybe I’ll get that one, too.
JOE: There are plenty of other—
AMERICAN: Look here. (Shows him an advertisement in the program) They seem to have all kinds of shit. (Reads) “RSC Merchandise.” (Beat) Posters. T-shirts. Records. Here’s an RSC shopping bag. RSC address book. The Game of Shakespeare. What do you think that’s about?
(Joe shrugs, looks away.)
Maybe my niece would like that, she loves Monopoly. She kills me at it. (Laughs) She’s ruthless. I wonder what kind of skills this game teaches. (Beat) So what part of the States do you come from?
JOE: I’m British. I’m a naturalized British citizen. (Beat) I tutor at Oxford.
AMERICAN: No kidding. I’m in insurance. (Beat) So for someone like you all this must be pretty old hat.
(Joe nods without looking at him.)
Would you believe this was my first time? It is. Every year for years I’ve been promising myself . . . (Beat) Finally— Here I am. (Laughs to himself) The thrill of a lifetime. (Turns to Joe) Doesn’t eating that stuff make you even colder?
JOE: Not if you’re English.
(American nods, shrugs, looks at the program, then up.)
AMERICAN: Theatre’s my hobby, you know. We’ve got a very successful little theatre back home. The high school lets us use the auditorium. I’ve seen some so-called professionals that weren’t any better, really. (Laughs to himself) Last summer we did Thornton Wilder’s Our Town. You want to know whose arm they twisted to play the Stage Manager? (Laughs) I wasn’t half bad either! (Beat) Nothing like these guys, of course. (Nods toward the theatre) These guys are real pros. I’m not even in their league, let me tell you. I don’t even deserve to wipe the sweat off these guys’ faces. You know what I mean? (Laughs to himself)
(Frankie hurries in.)
FRANKIE (As she enters): It’s just the intermission? How long is the play?
JOE: They’re saying all the words. Every now and then they have to do that. So have they called?
FRANKIE: They’re here.
JOE: Here? When? They were supposed to call first.
FRANKIE: They rented a car.
JOE: A car?! I told them to take a train or a bus. I’m not sure we have it in the department budget to rent a—
FRANKIE: Joe, Donna Silliman wants to talk to you.
JOE: Sure. And I want to talk to her. As soon as this is over, I’ll—
FRANKIE: Now.
(Short pause.)
JOE: Now?? (Looks toward the theatre) But there’s still—
FRANKIE: I think you should go.
JOE: In my whole life I’ve only seen one professional production of—
FRANKIE: I think it’s important.
(He hesitates.)
JOE: Why? What happened?
FRANKIE: She’s in my room. Come and talk to her.
JOE: And Phil and Henry?
FRANKIE: They went off sight-seeing. Since they missed the start of the play.
(Joe hesitates, then goes back to the American.)
JOE: My program, could I have it back, please? I have to leave.
AMERICAN: Sneaking out?
JOE: No, I am not “sneaking out.”
AMERICAN: They do go on and on—
AMERICAN (Handing the program to him): I’m not sure I would have paid a pound for that.
JOE: And now there is no need, is there? (He turns and goes off with Frankie)
ANNOUNCEMENT: Ladies and gentlemen, will you please take your seats. The performance is about to begin.
(The American puts out his cigarette and goes off toward the theatre.)
SCENE 7
TRINITY CHURCH GARDEN, STRATFORD-UPON-AVON
A garden bench. Henry and Philip sit. Philip holds a piece of paper; a large book is next to Henry.
PHILIP (Referring to the paper): I tell you they cheated us. And I’m not saying that because we only had the car for a few hours. I knew we had to pay for the full day.
HENRY: I can’t believe they would—
PHILIP: Why not? (Beat) Because William Shakespeare lived here? Wise up, Henry. (Beat) What insurance did you agree to?
HENRY: I don’t know. Whatever—
PHILIP: You don’t know. So first, without even asking, they stick us for the maximum insurance.
HENRY: How do you know that’s the maximum?
PHILIP: Because why wouldn’t they?
(Beat.)
HENRY: If it was up to me to ask for less insurance then it’s our fault.
PHILIP: He saw we were in a hurry. So he took advantage. Did you add this up? (Beat) I just did. Add it up. (Hands the paper to Henry) Are you adding it up?
HENRY: Yeah. (Short pause) OK. (Hands the paper back)
PHILIP: Now what excuses are you going to make for them?
HENRY: So they overcharged us by five pounds, big deal.
PHILIP: Five pounds is a big deal to a lot of people, Henry.
HENRY: They made a mistake. I doubt if they’d bother to cheat someone for five pounds.
PHILIP: Five pounds is five pounds! Five pounds adds up! First thing in the morning I’m going down there and get that five pounds back.
HENRY: Do what you want. If it’ll make you happy.
PHILIP: It’s not my five pounds. It’s the department’s five pounds. (Beat) And you’re coming with me.
HENRY: I’m not going to act like that for five pounds.
PHILIP: You mean like you’ve been cheated? You have been cheated, Henry.
HENRY: Spend half a day to get back five pounds? Who’s being foolish now?
PHILIP: It’s the principle, Henry!
HENRY: You’ll embarrass yourself!!
PHILIP: Have some guts, will you?!!!
(Henry turns away. Pause.)
OK. Sorry. (He pats Henry on the leg) Sorry. I didn’t mean . . . Hey, I guess we’re just different people, that’s all.
(Henry turns back to him, nods and then smiles.)
(Folding up the bill) Forty-nine pounds for three hours. Fuck. (Puts the bill in his pocket. Short pause)
HENRY: You should have been the one to choose the insurance.
PHILIP: You did fine. You did.
(Short pause. Henry picks up the large book—it is The Collected Works of William Shakespeare—and begins to thumb through it.)
HENRY (Without looking up): Joe got the message, I hope.
PHILIP: He must have.
HENRY (Looking at his watch): We said 5:30. It’s almost six.
PHILIP (Shrugging): Maybe the idea didn’t interest him.
HENRY: It was his idea. In London he was the one who suggested we do this. (Beat) This kind of thing. (Beat)
PHILIP: Well, I think we should have started with just the three of us.
(Betty enters from the direction of the church, carrying a small bag.)
(They shake their heads.)
PHILIP (Standing): Sit down. I dried the bench with my handkerchief.
BETTY: No, Phil, don’t—
PHILIP: Please, I’ve been sitting and driving all afternoon.
HENRY (Suddenly standing): So have I. (Offers his seat) Please—
BETTY: I don’t want to sit.
(They are all standing now.)
HENRY (Nodding toward her bag): What’d you get?
(Betty opens the bag and takes out some postcards.)
BETTY: They were thirty pence each. But I figure since it’s going to a church.
PHILIP: Thirty pence?! (Shakes his head in disgust. Short pause) It’s the same in the States though. Ever been to the gift shop at say the Statue of Liberty? They rip you off there, too.
(Pause.)
HENRY (Having looked at the cards, now hands them back): They’re nice. You should have bought more.
(Short pause.)
BETTY: I thought this idea to read the poem was Joe’s.
PHILIP: We were just commenting on that. (Short pause) So how was the play this afternoon? It broke my heart to miss it, you know.
BETTY: I think two Shakespeares in one day is asking for trouble. But the kids seemed to follow this one. But we’ll see what they’re like after tonight. (Beat) It was three and a half hours long.
PHILIP: But I’ll bet it seemed like an hour, right?
(Philip turns to Henry and laughs. Henry laughs lightly.)
BETTY: Why is that funny?
FRANKIE: Joe said to go on without him.
PHILIP: What’s the matter?
HENRY: What’s going on?
FRANKIE: Donna Silliman is . . . She’s pretty hysterical actually. I have to go back.
PHILIP: Wait a minute. (To Henry) She was fine in the car, wasn’t she?
HENRY: Fine.
PHILIP: What’s she saying?
FRANKIE: Henry, Joe would like you to drop by the hotel before the play. Just for a second.
HENRY: Sure. I can go now if—
PHILIP: Hey, if you’re going then—
FRANKIE: Stay. He just needs a minute. There’s plenty of time. (Beat) He’s trying not to make this into a big thing.
HENRY: Make what into a big thing?—
BETTY: What happened?
PHILIP (Trying to take Frankie’s hand): Frankie, are you OK? You look—
FRANKIE (Pulling her hand away): I’m great. I’m feeling just great, Philip. (Beat) How are you feeling? (Beat. She turns to go) Please just read the poem . . .
(She hesitates, then hurries off. Pause. They look at each other.)
PHILIP: And I thought we were finished with Donna Silliman for the day, but I guess not. (Short pause) I wonder what Joe wants to see us about.
BETTY: Henry. He wants to see Henry.
(Short pause.)
HENRY: We better start if I’m going to see Joe before the show. (Beat) Who wants to begin? (Beat) How about Betty? (No response) Betty?
(He holds out the book to her; after a moment she takes it, and begins to read:)
BETTY: “To the memory of My Beloved, the Author, Mr. William Shakespeare, and what he hath left us”:
To draw no envy (Shakespeare) on thy name,
Am I thus ample to thy Booke, and Fame;
While I confesse thy writings to be such,
As neither Man, nor Muse, can praise too much.
’Tis true, and all men’s suffrage. But these wayes
Were not the paths I meant unto thy praise:
For seeliest Ignorance on these may light,
Which, when it sounds at best, but eccho’s right . . .
(Betty hands the book to Henry.)
HENRY (Reading):
Or blinde Affection, which doth ne’re advance
The truth, but gropes, and urgeth all by chance;
Or crafty Malice, might pretend this praise,
And thinke to ruine, where it seem’d to raise.
These are, as some infamous Baud, or Whore,
Should praise a Matron. What could hurt her more?
But thou art proofe against them, and indeed
Above th’ill fortune of them, or the need . . .
(Henry hands the book to Philip.)
PHILIP (Reading):
I, therefore will begin. Soule of the Age!
The applause! delight! the wonder of our Stage!
My Shakespeare, rise; I will not lodge thee by
Chaucer, or Spenser, or bid Beaumont lye
A little further, to make thee a roome:
Thou art a Moniment, without a tombe . . .
SCENE 8
BAR OF THE ARDEN HOTEL, STRATFORD-UPON-AVON
Night. The bar is closed. Joe sits at a table with Katie and Donna Silliman. They are laughing.
JOE (To Donna): Sounds like his theatre class was studying Harrods a lot more closely than they were the Royal Shakespeare Company. (Laughs)
DONNA: I think they were. (Beat) Looking at the kids, some of the kids and the clothes they were wearing, I think a basic knowledge of Harrods may have been a prerequisite for the class.
JOE: Yeah. (Laughs) What a waste of money. I don’t know, maybe I’m old-fashioned but here is this opportunity— It’s like a living education. That’s what England could be. I think that’s what our course tries to realize. (Beat) I don’t know if we succeed. (No response) We try. (Beat) I think we come quite close to succeeding. (Beat)
DONNA: Sure. You mind if I—?
(She takes out a packet of cigarettes from her purse. Joe shakes his head.)
Katie? (Offers her one)
KATIE: Thanks.
(She takes one. Joe looks at her.)
For Christ’s sake, it’s a cigarette!
DONNA: Every week they had three days off to do what they wanted. No classes or anything.
KATIE: For travel?
DONNA: For farting around. That’s how I met Chip. (Beat) He was bored. He’d bought a ticket to one of the plays we were seeing. (Beat) Do you believe that?
(Katie shakes her head.)
JOE: Why is that so—?
DONNA: On his own he bought a ticket!
JOE: I don’t find that—
DONNA: He could have done anything. But he went to see this play. (Beat) You’d really like him, Professor Taylor. He’s a very good student. Reads a lot. Likes to go to bookstores. (Beat) He wants to teach. (Beat) We were walking out of the theatre and he sort of tapped me on the shoulder and asked for a light. (Smokes) I asked where he was from. He asked where I was from. You’re in a foreign country, it’s nice to see someone from home. (Beat) It makes you feel relaxed.
KATIE: I feel the same way. I’ve met two, three Americans on this trip.
DONNA: They’re not— I don’t know, critical.
KATIE: They see the same things you see.
DONNA: That’s it. Exactly. (Beat) Though there’s always . . . (Laughs) One afternoon last week I went with Chip and his class on a quote unquote walking tour of Kensington. The teacher got everyone to count Rolls-Royces. Unbelievable.
KATIE: You’re kidding!
JOE: I’m sure there was—
DONNA: I’ll bet I know more about the English theatre than his teachers do.
JOE: Donna, you—
DONNA: OK, I missed a few plays. OK, I missed a few classes. (Beat) OK, I missed a lot of plays and a lot of classes, but I’ll tell you what, I’m going to see everything we see for the rest of the time we’re here.
JOE: We go home in six days, Donna.
DONNA: In those six days, then. (Short pause. She smokes) Chip’s now gone to Paris. (Beat) His girlfriend made him go. It was either me or Paris. So I was really upset. That’s why that stuff in the car— (Beat) I didn’t need that.
JOE: No.
KATIE: No one does.
DONNA: I was vulnerable.
JOE: We understand.
DONNA: He scared me. Professor Brown scared the hell out of me.
(Beat.)
JOE: Talk about it as much as you want.
(Long pause. Donna rubs her eyes and almost cries.)
DONNA (Suddenly turning): You’re not going to get Chip into trouble? It wasn’t his fault. I forgot about Stratford. (Beat) Chip’s not his real name, you know.
JOE: As we said at dinner, if you’re willing to forget about it, Donna, we’re willing to. (Beat) At dinner you seemed to be willing to.
DONNA: I am. (Beat) But what Professor Brown did—nothing like that ever happened to me—
JOE: A misunderstanding.
DONNA: How do you misunderstand—?
JOE (Turning to Katie): I thought this was over. We had dinner. We talked about this.
DONNA: And my parents? You’ll talk to my parents?!
JOE: Why do you assume that? (Beat) We have six more days. They can be lovely days, Donna. But that will be mostly up to you. (Short pause) I’m not trying to treat this lightly. I don’t want you saying that’s what I did. If there’s more you want to say? (Beat) We can stay up all night if you like. I don’t want to be unhappy with the way I have handled what’s happened. (Beat) What you say has happened.
DONNA: Do you think I’m lying—
JOE: I don’t want you to get home and start complaining! I don’t want you saying— Look, Katie’s been here. She’s heard everything.
KATIE: Is that why you wanted me here?
(Pause.)
JOE: We know his name isn’t Chip. We know his name. (Short pause. Looks at his watch) The play’s over. Maybe you and Katie would like to—
KATIE: The rest of the class was going to a pub. I know which one.
(Katie hesitates, then gets up. Philip and Henry enter.)
HENRY: Joe, you missed the whole play. I thought Anthony and—
JOE: We got talking. (To Donna) We finished, right? (Beat) Right?
DONNA (Standing): I think we should go.
JOE: Donna, before you do. (Beat) I think if for no other reason than for my sake, you should say what you recall happened in the car. To Professor Brown. (Beat) To his face. (To Philip) I don’t want you saying I put words in her mouth.
PHILIP: What’s this about?
JOE: Phil, please. (Beat) Donna.
DONNA (After a long sigh): I told Professor Taylor what you tried to do to me in the car on our way up here.
PHILIP: Which was??
DONNA: You tried to touch me. In fact, he did touch my breast. Actually he grabbed it. I had to push him away.
PHILIP: Joe, this is—
JOE: Wait. (Beat) Donna. Is there anything else you wish to tell me? Anything at all?
(She shakes her head.)
You’re satisfied that you’ve had an honest hearing? (Beat) Then you can go.
(Katie and Donna start to go.)
Katie?
KATIE: What, Dad?
JOE: You have money?
KATIE: Yes.
JOE: Buy her what she wants.
(Katie and Donna leave. Pause.)
Sorry that the bar’s closed.
PHILIP (Stunned): You don’t believe that girl.
HENRY: She’s lying, isn’t she?
PHILIP: Of course. (Laughs to himself) Why would I—? How could I—? (Beat) Henry was in the car the whole time.
HENRY: Except for about three minutes when I went into a gas station for directions. I already told Joe this.
PHILIP: You already . . .? You knew about this? When did Donna—?
JOE: As soon as you got here. I talked to Henry before the show.
PHILIP (To Henry): So throughout the play—
HENRY: Joe made me promise not to say anything. He wanted to get to the truth first. (Beat) And I think that was the right decision, Joe.
PHILIP: But you told Betty?
HENRY: I’ve always made it clear, you tell me something, you are telling her something. I do not keep secrets from her.
PHILIP (To Joe): He tells Betty. (Beat) And it wasn’t three minutes in that gas station! It was more like thirty, forty seconds, Henry. (Short pause) Anyway, I didn’t do anything. Why would I do something like that? What am I crazy, Joe?
(Long pause.)
JOE: I don’t think she’s going to make a fuss. She was as scared about being yelled at for staying out and missing the bus here . . . (Beat) Katie and I took her out for dinner this evening. That’s why I missed the play. I figured something had to be done.
PHILIP: To bribe her you mean?
JOE: She’s quite relaxed about it all now, I think. You saw her. (Beat) A few hours ago . . . Sit down, Phil.
(Philip hesitates, then sits.)
HENRY: Betty’s waiting in the lobby. She wants to take a walk. After sitting all day in the theatre— (Beat) It’s hardly even drizzling anymore.
JOE: Good.
(Henry hesitates, then leaves.)
God, what an evening!
PHILIP: What I do not understand is: are you saying you believe this girl.
JOE: No. (Beat) Of course not.
PHILIP: Thank you. Thank you.
JOE: Frankie called the dean—
PHILIP: The dean? Frankie? She also knew?
JOE: She’s the one who got me. As a woman I think Donna—
PHILIP: Bullshit!!
JOE: As a woman I think Donna found it easier to talk to her. Initially. Then I came into the picture. As the chairman of the department.
PHILIP: What did the dean say?
JOE: Donna’s been having a lot of trouble of late. She’s close to failing. This course—if we decided to flunk her . . . (Beat) I promised her we wouldn’t by the way.
JOE: I just didn’t think it was right. A whole academic career should not come down to a course like— I mean, you can’t force someone to go to the theatre. (Laughs. Beat) The dean respects you, Phil. (Beat) Not once did he suggest anything but respect for you. He said that if you denied trying to molest—
PHILIP (Standing up): Of course I deny it! What am I now, a rapist?!!
(Short pause; he hesitates then sits down.)
JOE: Then when you have this sort of thing, where it’s one person’s word against another’s. And there’s no proof. And there isn’t, Phil. She couldn’t show Frankie one scratch or anything. Then it’s the dean’s policy to not get involved if he can help it. (Beat) I respect him for that. He said basically that I should ignore the matter as best I could. (Beat) He even said we shouldn’t have called. This sort of thing, it’s best to keep it— You know. You see I’m learning my job. (Smiles) Things get so damn complicated. And then there’s the fact that we’re friends. I wouldn’t want people to have accused me of—
PHILIP: You’re not the one being accused!! (Short pause) Henry’s wrong about the three minutes.
JOE: He just wanted to be safe. He didn’t want to underestimate.
PHILIP: Fuck. (Beat) One messed-up girl accuses me of pawing her and you, Henry, Frankie, the dean, Betty— Who else did you call? Baldwin?
JOE: Yes.
PHILIP: You called Baldwin? (Beat) You called Baldwin? I don’t believe it.
JOE: He said he remembers warning you once about—
PHILIP: About what?!
JOE: Something about a girl, he couldn’t remember.
PHILIP: When I was a student!
JOE: Ah. He didn’t say that.
PHILIP: I was fucked-up over this girl. Another student! I wasn’t fucking molesting anyone!!!
JOE: I just had to be sure. (Beat) I didn’t know what to do. Baldwin suggested I call the dean. That’s where that came from. So blame him, Phil. He said I should protect myself. (Beat) I talked it over with Frankie. She agreed to make the call. I think hearing about it from a woman . . . We didn’t want to scare the dean. (Beat) We thought this was a great idea. I was happy to have her the one who called. (Beat) The dean could have said—get her on the next plane. Get you on the next plane. He could have said a million things. We didn’t know. But now—it’s over. There will be no report, nothing. This I have learned. (Beat) Katie, by the way, was here the whole time tonight. Donna can’t change her story. Or add to it now. Katie heard everything. That was my idea.
PHILIP (Quietly): But you thought that I could—
JOE: Let’s go to a restaurant. I think we can still get a drink in a restaurant. Let me buy you a drink. (Beat. Not looking at him) How was the play? You know I felt awful letting my ticket just waste like that. I wish I could have found somebody. There must have been somebody. If I had known I’d have given it to our maid. She’d have been thrilled. A free ticket to Antony and Cleopatra. (Beat) I feel bad. You’re hurt. I don’t want you to be hurt.
PHILIP: You know, Henry probably said three minutes hoping it’d get me into trouble. He’s going to need a job soon after all.
JOE: Phil, Henry wouldn’t—
PHILIP: I’m joking.
JOE: Don’t even joke like that. People don’t act that way. (Short pause) So—should we go?
PHILIP: I did touch her shoulder. I remember this. She was staring out of the car. I asked her if she needed to go to the bathroom. She said nothing. So I touched her shoulder.
JOE: There’s nothing wrong with that. You were trying to get her attention, right? (Short pause) Frankie said she’d leave a note at the desk about where she’d be eating. So if we felt like joining her . . . (Beat) Do you feel like joining her? She was a great help with Donna. You should know this. She never let up for a minute. Even more than me she never believed Donna Silliman for a second. She was right there—demanding to know which breast. Everything. She even yelled at her. Right from the beginning, she— (Beat) She cared, Phil. (Beat) But that shouldn’t come as a surprise, because she—
PHILIP: Sleeps with me? Is that what you’re going to say? That it took a woman I sleep with to defend me from attempted rape?!! (Beat) Thanks. Thanks a lot. That makes me feel a whole lot better.
JOE: No. (Beat) I wasn’t going to say . . .
(Short pause.)
PHILIP (Looking up at Joe): You knew about us, didn’t you? You assume everyone knows that sort of thing. We haven’t exactly been subtle about it. I think even Howard knows.
JOE: Of course I knew. (Laughs) Sure.
(He didn’t know and now Philip knows this.)
But what I was going to say was . . . Well, she’s a friend. (Beat) That’s what I wanted to say. The other—That has nothing to do with this, I’m sure. (Pause) How was the play? I can’t tell you how much I wanted to see it. Of all the plays to miss. You know I’m working on an article on Antony and Cleopatra. How often do you get the chance . . .
PHILIP (Without looking at him): There’s a matinee tomorrow. I could take over the class.
JOE: No, no. It’s my turn. (Beat) Let me think about it. (Beat) Anyway, this morning I was working on it. Amazing what you can still discover. Things hidden everywhere! (Beat) You read and read and read and still you find things. (Beat) In the fourth act there’s a scene. Eros is putting armor on Antony and Cleopatra’s there? (He turns to Philip who nods) Well this is—iconographically speaking— The Arming of Mars, Phil. It’s the painting brought to life! Eros is Cupid, see. Antony is Mars, of course. And Cleopatra, she’s even referred to as Venus in the play, isn’t she? (Beat) She is. So what I’ve discovered is: Shakespeare has gone and written a scene and based it on a painting! (Shakes his head) Structurally then, here is a representation not of life, but of another representation!!
(Short pause.)
PHILIP: That’s—publishable.
(Short pause.)
JOE: Maybe I should clean up this mess.
(He begins to pick up the glasses off the table, dumps the ashes from the ashtray into a glass, crumples up little bits of garbage, etc.)
SCENE 9
PIZZA HUT, UNION STREET, STRATFORD-UPON-AVON
Later that night. Frankie at a table; Joe is taking off his coat and sitting down. Frankie has a pizza and a pitcher of beer in front of her.
FRANKIE: I think it’s supposed to close in—
JOE: He’s just taking a short walk. But if you want to go, we—
FRANKIE: No, I was just— When I ordered they said they close in— (She looks at her watch)
JOE: I don’t want anything anyway.
(He starts to stand up.)
FRANKIE (Looking around): But I guess they’ll tell us.
JOE: True enough.
(He sits back down. Frankie eats.)
Take your time. (Short pause) He said he’d only be a minute or so. (Beat) He wanted a few minutes by himself.
FRANKIE: How’s he doing? How did he take it?
JOE: What was there to take? Everything was settled. Wasn’t it?
FRANKIE: Still just to be accused of something like . . . (Shrugs, eats) That’s got to make you . . . I don’t know. (Beat) A little bitch tries to save her butt and almost ruins your career? I mean, in different hands, Joe, something like this— His heart must have stopped for a few beats. Mine would have. (Beat) The world can start to look pretty scary if you let it.
JOE: Yeah. (Beat) But he must have known that you and I would never . . .
FRANKIE: Once he caught his breath, but before that . . . What a nightmare for him. (She pours some beer) You’re sure you don’t want—
JOE: Save it for Phil. (Short pause) I think taking her out to dinner helped out a lot. Good idea.
FRANKIE: Thanks.
JOE: Once she relaxed.
FRANKIE: Once you said we weren’t going to flunk her.
(He shrugs.)
The department I think should pay for— And not just hers, but your dinner as well, Joe.
(He shrugs.)
I’m serious. Did Katie go with you, too?
JOE: She was a big help.
FRANKIE: I told you she would be. So then the department should pay for her dinner as well. It was business, Joe, remember that. (Beat) Keep the receipt. (Short pause) How much was dinner?
JOE: We ate at a pub.
(Short pause.)
FRANKIE: Henry says they got cheated on the car rental.
JOE: Shit.
FRANKIE: They were in a hurry, so— He and Phil are going to argue with them tomorrow.
JOE: Good luck.
FRANKIE: They should have kept it until tomorrow. We could have all gone for a drive. Wouldn’t have cost any more, except for mileage.
JOE: They weren’t thinking.
FRANKIE: Henry didn’t want to park it on the street.
JOE: Oh.
FRANKIE: Makes sense.
(He nods. Short pause.)
JOE: How was the play tonight?
FRANKIE: That’s right, of all the plays for you to have missed—
JOE: I’m thinking of seeing the matinee. Phil offered to—
FRANKIE: Do it, you won’t regret it.
JOE: What with the article I’m writing—
FRANKIE: You told me. That’s why I said of all the plays . . .
JOE: Oh right.
(Pause.)
FRANKIE: Joe. I want to say that I think you handled this whole—problem—perfectly. I thought you should hear someone say that.
JOE: Thank you. I appreciate it. (Beat) We try. (Laughs) Thanks, Frankie.
FRANKIE: The worst-case scenario would have been to try and keep it from the school. Better have the dean think you’re too cautious than— No one likes surprises. You can’t be too careful.
JOE: No.
FRANKIE: You’ve really got to protect yourself, don’t you? Even when it’s a silly obvious lie like this; it still could have snowballed. That little bitch . . . (Beat) I couldn’t have had dinner with her, Joe. I lied when I said since you weren’t, then I should be at the play. I couldn’t have even sat and looked at her. (Beat) To accuse Phil. A man I—
JOE (Interrupting): Respect.
FRANKIE: I think we both do. Why not one of us next?
JOE: You can’t be too careful, you’re right.
FRANKIE: It’s frightening.
JOE: Absolutely. (Short pause. Without looking at her) We’re sure he didn’t do what she said he did?
FRANKIE: Joe?? How can you—?
JOE: We’re positive?
FRANKIE: He’s our friend! He’s your best friend!
JOE: Who knows anything about their friends?
FRANKIE: That’s a sad admission. (Looks at him) What don’t you think you know?
(Finally he turns away and shrugs.)
JOE: I will have a little of that. (Pours some beer into a glass) What’s important is that we have been fair to all sides.
FRANKIE: I can agree with that.
JOE: I’m sure Phil understood what I had to do.
FRANKIE: If he doesn’t, he will. Come on, you’re already a ten times better chairman than Baldwin ever was.
JOE: I agree. (Laughs to himself) He was an asshole. (Beat) He is an asshole.
(He laughs. She laughs.)
FRANKIE: It’s going to be a pleasure serving under you, sir.
(She smiles and salutes. He smiles, shrugs, then nods. Pause.)
By the way, Joe, the other day when you asked why I hadn’t answered the door when you had knocked? Late at night. (Beat) Remember that?
JOE: I remember.
FRANKIE: I realized later— (Beat) I’m not that sound a sleeper to sleep through a guy knocking for— I’ll bet you knocked for a while.
JOE: I did.
FRANKIE: Anyway, I realized that I hadn’t been in my room at that time. What time was it?
JOE: About four.
FRANKIE: I’d had trouble sleeping. Jet lag. I guess. And so I’d gone out walking. Imagine a woman going out walking say in New York. (Laughs)
JOE: She wouldn’t.
FRANKIE: No. (Beat) So if it ever comes up, why it would I don’t know—I was out walking. (Beat) Howard knows I’m not a sound sleeper.
(Joe looks down.)
I called Howard today. There’s two feet of snow.
JOE: There’s always two feet of snow.
FRANKIE: So—nothing’s changed. I told him we were having a wonderful time.
JOE: Except for all the girls claiming Phil’s trying to rape them.
(She hesitates, then laughs. He does not laugh.)
FRANKIE (Laughing): At least we can laugh about it now. (Short pause) I also told Howard how you and I had been palling around a lot together. Spending a lot of time— He liked to hear that.
(Frankie looks at Joe, who looks back. Philip enters.)
PHILIP: You’re still here.
JOE: They’re about to close.
FRANKIE: Sit down. We have a few minutes yet. Here, finish my beer. I’m sure you can use it.
(Philip sits.)
JOE: How was the walk?
(Philip nods.)
FRANKIE: Must have been a traumatic night.
PHILIP: I’m fine.
FRANKIE: Joe was saying how well you took—
PHILIP: I just wish to God someone would have just asked me. That’s all.
JOE: Come on, I did ask—
PHILIP: To be the last person on the goddamn earth to know! You know what that feels like?!
FRANKIE: Joe did what he thought was best.
PHILIP: For Joe!
JOE: That’s not fair.
FRANKIE: He’s just learning his job.
JOE: Don’t apologize for me. A minute ago—
PHILIP: He still has a lot to learn about how to treat people.
FRANKIE: He’s sorry, Phil.
JOE: I’m not! (Beat) How the hell did I know you didn’t try to fuck her?!! (Short pause) I know now of course. (Beat. He whispers) I wished to avoid accusing you. I was trying to do what was right.
FRANKIE: He was, Phil. That’s what Joe was trying to do.
(Short pause. Philip takes the crust left from Frankie’s pizza and eats.)
JOE: Frankie called Howard today.
There’s two feet of snow.
FRANKIE: He sends his best to everyone.
(Beat.)
PHILIP: Nice guy, Howard.
JOE: Phil, Frankie was saying that the other night—when I knocked on her door, she wasn’t asleep. She was out—walking.
PHILIP: Frankie, he knows about—
JOE: I don’t know anything!
(Frankie looks to Philip, then to Joe. Pause.)
FRANKIE: I don’t know about you two but I’m exhausted. How long was that play? (Beat) To be honest, I think it was about a week ago that I suddenly started to feel that if I had to see one more play— (Beat) One more three-and-a-half-hour play. (Beat) The fannies the English must have. Tough as leather. (Short pause) But that passed. Once I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Once I had that feeling of being over the hump. (Laughs) Come on, they’re closing.
PHILIP: We can finish our beers. (Beat) The play we’re seeing on Tuesday is supposed to be very interesting. I was reading about it.
FRANKIE: Which one is that?
PHILIP: I forget the title. But it’s a new play. Very political they say.
JOE: That’ll be fascinating. That’s very English.
FRANKIE: True.
(Beat.)
JOE: In the tradition of Shaw.
PHILIP: Please God, don’t let it be that!
(Philip laughs; Frankie laughs; then Joe laughs lightly.)
JOE (After a big yawn): I don’t know about you but I’m ready to go home.
WESTMINSTER BRIDGE
Early morning. It is raining, cold and windy. Henry, Frankie, Betty, Philip, and Katie have come with Joe to Westminster Bridge. They all hold a single piece of paper. Joe reads from a book of poetry by Wordsworth.
JOE (Reading):
This City now doth, like a garment, wear
The beauty of the morning; silent, bare,
Ships, towers, domes, theatres, and temples lie
Open unto the fields, and to the sky;
All bright and glittering in the smokeless air.
Never did sun more beautifully steep
In his first splendor, valley, rock, or hill;
Ne’er saw I, never felt, a calm so deep!
The river glideth at his own sweet will:
Dear God! The very houses seem asleep;
And all that mighty heart is lying still!
(Joe slowly closes the book. In the near distance, Big Ben begins to strike six. No one looks at anyone else; six people alone in their own thoughts. One wipes the rain off his face, one puts up an umbrella but then takes it down because it is too windy—a portrait of loneliness. When the clock finishes, Joe opens his single piece of paper, and everyone, following Joe’s lead, begins to sing quietly, so as not to embarrass themselves—and of course in their American accents.)
EVERYONE (Singing):
God save our gracious Queen
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us,
God save the Queen!
(Joe starts the second stanza, others follow, though with a little more difficulty.)
Scatter her enemies,
And make them fall.
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hearts we fix,
God save us all!
(Pause.)
JOE: Third stanza. (He looks down at the paper)
SCENE 11
LUIGI’S RESTAURANT, COVENT GARDEN
The same restaurant as in the first scene, though a larger table. Toward the end of their meal: Joe, Henry, Betty, Frankie, Philip, Katie, Orson, Harriet and Joanne.
FRANKIE: It will be nice to get home.
JOE: Back to the real world. Back to work! (Laughs to himself)
PHILIP: Don’t remind me. Now we have all those journals to read. (Beat) Orson, not only do we have to see the plays, but then we have to read what our students thought about them.
ORSON: I know the system.
HENRY: Phil, I enjoy reading what my students—
PHILIP: I’m kidding, Henry.
(He looks at Henry who looks away.)
FRANKIE: It has been a great time.
JOE: I think we’ve all enjoyed ourselves.
(Pause. They eat.)
HARRIET: Has everyone tried to pack? I remember—when was that, dear?
ORSON: I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
HARRIET: Yes you do. (Beat) I don’t remember the year, but our things didn’t fit. We had to buy a whole new suitcase at the very last minute. (Laughs)
ORSON: The suitcase broke. We bought a new one because it had broken.
HARRIET: That was another year.
ORSON (Shaking his head): Oh forget it. What does it matter? So we bought a suitcase. Who cares? (He drinks from his wineglass. Short pause)
HARRIET (To the others): It’s those martinis.
ORSON: It is not those martinis!
(Short pause.)
FRANKIE (To Henry and Betty): You never did get down to their home in East Sussex, did you? (Beat) It’s very beautiful. Historic, I should say.
JOANNE (To Orson): You must be very pleased.
BETTY (To Frankie): We were never invited.
(Beat.)
HARRIET: You weren’t— Oh I’m terribly— You weren’t waiting for a formal—?
(Beat.)
BETTY: No. We weren’t waiting for anything formal. (Beat) I suppose there was just so much we wanted to do. And the time just vanished.
(Short pause.)
HENRY: Well we’ve packed everything. Except what we’ll use tonight. (Beat) Everything fits. We tried to restrain ourselves— (Laughs)
BETTY: The trip cost us enough as it was.
(Pause.)
JOE: I suspect tomorrow morning will be a real madhouse. How did you handle it, Orson? Some of the students say they’ll take the tube to the airport.
FRANKIE: But the luggage some of them now have.
JOE: That’s what I’m saying. And half of them I’m sure are down to their last fifty pence.
ORSON: That’s their problem.
(Beat.)
PHILIP: Orson’s right. Let them find their own way. It’s good training.
(Short pause.)
FRANKIE: What time are we supposed to meet?
JOE: In the lobby at eight. No later than eight.
PHILIP: We better say 7:30.
(Pause.)
FRANKIE (To Joanne): We’re really sorry we didn’t get the chance to meet your husband, Joanne. It’s funny, in the beginning it seemed like there was going to be so much time—
PHILIP: Where did the time go?
(Joe looks at Philip, then at Frankie. Philip turns away.)
JOANNE: He’s hoping maybe next year.
(No one seems to understand.)
My husband. He’s—
ORSON: What does your husband do?
JOANNE: He works in the financial city. (Beat) Near St. Paul’s.
ORSON: Good for him.
FRANKIE: I love St. Paul’s.
JOE (To Joanne): Of course, whenever you’re back in the States—
JOANNE: We’re talking about a trip—
FRANKIE: We’d love to see you. Both of you.
JOE: Katie would even let her old babysitter have her room, I suppose.
KATIE: I’m never there. I’m in a dorm.
JOE: And why I don’t know. (To Joanne) Do you know how much housing is now? Everything’s gone crazy. (Beat) But Mary said Katie should have the whole experience of college. I mean, how’s she going to have bull sessions with her friends until three in the morning if her parents are right next door? (Laughs) That sort of thing. Right, Katie?
ORSON (Eating): Or how’s she going to have boys in her bed when her parents are in the next room?
(Short awkward pause.)
KATIE (To Orson): That didn’t stop me in high school.
(Beat, then laughter.)
HARRIET: Good for you. Give it back to him.
JOE: By the way, I was reading through Katie’s journal this morning—
KATIE: Dad!—
JOE: You let me. I wasn’t doing anything you didn’t know about. She’s got some real interesting things to say about the RSC’s As You Like It. Very interesting.
PHILIP: Really? . . .
JOE: You’ll have to read it.
HENRY: I’d like to.
JOE (To Katie): The Tempest I think you missed the point of though.
FRANKIE: That’s easy enough to do.
HARRIET: Especially at her age.
(The others nod. Pause. They eat.)
JOE: What did anyone think of the play last night?
PHILIP: There’s a loaded question.
JOE: No. Really. I haven’t heard anyone say a word.
ORSON: What was the play last night?
JOE: What was the title? I don’t remember. That says something. (Laughs) Some new play, Orson. I wouldn’t rush out.
PHILIP: I liked it.
JOE: Good. (Shrugs, then laughs)
PHILIP: Look, your problem is that you don’t think politics belongs in the theatre.
JOE: First, I’ve never said that. In fact, I have often argued the opposite. Who defends Shaw?
FRANKIE: Please, keep Shaw out of this.
JOE: And second, I happen to believe there is a difference between politics and sentimental whining. (Beat) I would kill to see real political thinking on the stage. Where real problems are really addressed, Phil. Where I can be engaged! I am not a dumb person. We should not be treated like we were. This is all I’m saying.
PHILIP: And last night—
JOE: If someone is going to start preaching to me then he—or she—better have something very very interesting to say. That’s all. But to be a captive audience, forced to listen either to what I already know or what I know to be a very simplistic, you know, explanation, then—well, I want to run screaming into the night. Period.
PHILIP: Bullshit. I repeat, your problem is that you don’t think politics, today’s politics, even belong in a play.
ORSON: Why is that a problem?!!
(Pause.)
KATIE (Standing): Excuse me. Before you get started again, I promised some of the women I’d join up with them. It’s our last night as well.
JOE: Yes. You told me you’d have to leave early.
HENRY: It was our pleasure to have you, even if for a short time.
HARRIET: She’s our godchild, you know.
BETTY: I didn’t know.
(Katie has opened her purse.)
JOE: No, no, no! Please, Katie. I’m not that poor. I’m not rich, God knows, but I’m not so poor as that.
KATIE: Thanks, Dad. (She turns to leave) Don’t stay up too late.
HARRIET (Laughing): Listen to her.
JOE: Katie, wait a minute. You still have your camera?
JOE: Come on, all of us. Come on. (Starts moving people together)
KATIE: I don’t know if there’s enough—
JOE: Try. What’s to lose? A little closer. (Beat) Of our last night.
KATIE: OK.
(Everyone is posed.)
Ready? One. Two. Three.
JOE: Everyone smile. Are we smiling?
(Click. Everyone moves.)
Another one.
ORSON: No, no. One’s enough.
PHILIP: Please, Joe. We’re still eating.
JOE: It’s probably too dark anyway.
(He waves Katie off. She leaves)
FRANKIE: Thanks, Katie!
HENRY: Thanks!
(Short pause.)
JOE: So in this play, we’re meant to feel sympathy for miners. Good. Fine. Who doesn’t like miners?
ORSON: In my day—
PHILIP: Anyone with a political view you tried to arrest, Orson.
ORSON: Only when it got in the way of—
HARRIET: Please.
JOE: And it gave me goose bumps. This play. Why?
PHILIP: Because it touched—
JOE: Because it pushed obvious buttons! Things in this world are complicated. Not simplistic. You don’t help yourself or anyone else by not recognizing that. By not using the mind you’ve got. (Beat) Isn’t that what we teach? Isn’t that why we have our students read what we do—so that they can learn to think? (Beat) A mind is not a reflex, it is a living thing.
HENRY: The president of the college said that at last year’s graduation.
(Short pause.)
PHILIP: And I liked the play. So that’s that.
FRANKIE: I liked it, too.
JOE: Who doesn’t like a good cry?
FRANKIE: I learned something about miners.
JOE: You learned what you already believed, Frankie. Period. (Beat) Trust me, this sort of theatre is old-fashioned. We went through that twenty years ago. (Beat) You certainly don’t find it in the States anymore. (Beat) And in another five, ten years you won’t find it here either. (Beat) I don’t want to see it. Americans don’t want to see it. (Pause) Sorry, I’m dominating the—
PHILIP: We argue like this all the time.
FRANKIE (To Orson and Harriet): They do. This I can swear to.
ORSON: Nice to see ideas still being discussed in the department. (Beat) I was afraid after I’d left . . .
(Beat.)
JOE (Nodding toward Philip): He’s fun to argue with. He really is. advocate. Five kids with armbands walking around telling the college to disinvest in South Africa, and you’d think from listening to Phil that it’s the sixties all over again. (Laughs)
PHILIP: Disinvestment has a point.
JOE: Of course it has a point. I don’t argue with that. It’s your Pollyannaish hope that is so irritating! It’s like he never learns! (Beat) Of course South Africa’s bad! Of course!!!
(Long pause. They eat.)
BETTY: Professor Baldwin, how is your book coming? Frankie was telling me a little about it.
JOANNE: What is the book about?
HARRIET: Orson is editing the collected letters of Harold Frederic for Cornell University Press.
ORSON: I’m writing the introduction as well.
FRANKIE: That I didn’t know.
JOANNE: I’ll be ignorant, who’s Harold Frederic?
HENRY (Before anyone else can answer): Nineteenth-century American novelist. Very interesting. Very important.
JOANNE: Never heard of him.
PHILIP: Edmund Wilson liked him.
(Pause.)
HARRIET: We’ve gotten the proofs.
FRANKIE: You’re that close?
ORSON: Mmmmmmmmmmmm. (Short pause) Harriet’s been helping, haven’t you? (Beat) We read them out loud to each other, as we proof. Every night from six to nine. We do about fourteen pages an evening that way. (Beat) Harriet has a lovely voice. (Pause) Henry James helped raise money for Frederic’s family when he died.
HARRIET: He died drunk. (Beat) He had a drinking problem.
(Short pause.)
ORSON: He was a good friend of James. He lived quite a long time in England.
HARRIET: He is said to have called Henry James an effeminate old donkey who lives with a herd of other donkeys around him and insists on being treated as if he were the Pope. (Beat. To Orson) I think I got that right.
ORSON: I doubt if Frederic either said it or felt that way. It is part of the Frederic myth though. (Beat) He had two wives, though only one officially. Two sets of children. One in America, one here. He liked women. They liked him.
HARRIET: Though both families he stuck in the country while he himself went off to carouse in the city. (She shakes her head)
JOANNE: Sounds very—
ORSON: He wrote The Damnation of Theron Ware. Do you know it?
(Joanne shakes her head.)
A very sexy book. (Beat) I reread it all the time.
JOANNE: While I have all of you here, I was wondering if there was anything different or whatever that I could do for next year. If you don’t mind I’d like to pick your brains.
PHILIP: I don’t know.
HENRY: We had great seats.
JOANNE: I’m sorry I couldn’t get any speakers.
FRANKIE: I think it worked out just fine like it did.
JOE: Sometimes a speaker, well, if they don’t know the class . . .
JOANNE: I wanted to get an actor.
BETTY: That would have been interesting.
JOANNE: There’s a friend of a friend who knows someone who is with the Royal Shakespeare Company.
PHILIP: Really? The students would have loved that.
JOANNE: But he wanted fifty pounds.
PHILIP: For one class? Forget it.
JOANNE: That’s what I said. I had thought that they’d do this sort of thing for free.
FRANKIE: I would, too.
PHILIP: You’d think they’d want to meet their audience.
JOE: Or just for the publicity.
JOANNE: But if you are interested for next year . . .
JOE: We’d have to put it in the budget.
PHILIP: Absolutely.
JOANNE: Then I guess it was a good thing I didn’t tell the guy it was OK.
PHILIP: For next year? He needs to know now?
JOANNE: For this time. He said he needed an answer right then and there.
JOE: That would have been a disaster, really. I think we’re what? Quite a lot in the red already. What with the car rental.
FRANKIE: Oh and I said the department should pay for Joe’s dinner in Stratford.
HENRY: With Donna Silliman?
ORSON: Who’s Donna Silliman?
BETTY: That girl who said Phil—
ORSON: Oh yes. The department should pay for that sort of thing. (Beat) Got caught with your pants down, did you, Philip? (Laughs)
PHILIP: She made it up, Orson.
ORSON (Laughing): I’m sure she did! I’m sure! (Short pause) Henry, I hear you have to move on. All I can say is you shall be missed, dear boy.
HENRY: I don’t think that is totally settled as yet. For next year, I mean. (He looks around. No one looks at him)
ORSON: Too bad you’re not black.
JOE: I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m beginning to feel the wine.
ORSON: Yes, we should get another bottle!
FRANKIE: No, no! (Beat) I think I wouldn’t mind getting back. I haven’t even started to pack.
JOE: I thought you were going to pack this afternoon. What did you do all day if you didn’t pack? (He suddenly turns to Philip)
PHILIP: We should get the check.
JOE (Staring at him): We already have.
HENRY: Let me see. (Takes the bill)
PHILIP: I think we should treat Joanne.
FRANKIE: Yes, for all her tireless work.
JOANNE: No, really.
JOE: Out of the department?
PHILIP: We should split hers.
JOANNE: No, no please, it’s I who—
PHILIP: We insist.
JOE: If she wants to pay, Phil.
(Short pause.)
JOANNE: I’m serious. Let me pay for myself.
(Philip hesitates, then nods.)
ORSON (To Betty): Within twenty-four hours of Henry James having two strokes, he was calling for a thesaurus; the doctor had called his condition paralytic and he thought there was a more accurate word. (Laughs) He loved words. I suppose you have to.
HARRIET: Orson.
(He is quite drunk now.)
I’ll pay ours. What did you have, the beef spaghetti?
(He shrugs.)
At least one of these four bottles is yours. We’ll pay for one whole bottle.
BETTY: Actually, I think he drank—
PHILIP: I’ll buy your drinks, Joe. You bought me drinks at the Barbican.
JOE: But only because you bought me drinks at the National. No, no, you don’t owe me.
PHILIP: Still, that’s OK.
JOE: No. (Beat) Katie didn’t have anything to drink, did she? Did anyone notice?
BETTY: She must have. Her glass has been used.
HENRY: Put in something. Don’t put in much.
JOE: Let’s say seven pounds twenty. What’s the VAT on that?
PHILIP: Just estimate, Joe.
BETTY (To Henry): Here’s some money.
JOE: Let me look at that. (Takes the bill) I say we leave no more than ten percent. I mean we’re leaving tomorrow, right? We’re not coming back for a year.
END OF PLAY