Emilia walked around the bookstore with a stack of books piled high in her hands. She wasn’t entirely comfortable being at the busy mall, but frequent stops in quieter shops were making her feel better.
She suspected that Amber hadn’t really wanted to go into the bookstore. After all, why would she? All of the books were in a foreign language. It must have been like going into a candy shop after visiting the dentist to have your mouth wired closed.
And yet Amber had insisted, right around the time that Emilia was finding the clothing shop they were in a little overwhelming. Like she somehow knew. Emilia hoped she wasn’t that transparent. She wanted Amber to have a good time and not worry about her too much.
But she had to confess that she was loving the bookshop.
She looked up and saw Amber strolling around, picking up books and looking at their covers momentarily before putting them down again. She was obviously giving Emilia time and space to collect herself and feel better.
It was working. She felt safe surrounded by books, many of which she hadn’t read before. Her local bookstore was small. The newsletter of new releases was sufficient, but nothing was like walking around a large shop. She’d quickly stacked six books up in her hands and considered them necessary purchases. A couple more followed after a few minutes.
The rumbling cacophony of the hordes of shoppers sat just outside the doors. She tried to tune it out, to no avail. She’d known it would be busy and horrible at the mall, but nothing could have prepared her for how bad it was.
During the car journey she had felt near to a panic attack. With every passing mile that she travelled, her breathing had become more laboured. She pulled herself together as best she could for Amber’s sake. She had promised that they would have a nice day shopping in the warmth, and that was exactly what she intended to do. Anxiety be damned.
A book was added to the pile in her hands.
“I think you’ll like this one,” Amber said. “It’s got a lot of twists and turns, I won’t spoil it.”
“Thank you.” She peered at the top of the stack, interested to see what Amber would suggest for her. It looked like a cosy mystery book, something she enjoyed immensely. Especially when they contained recipes.
“Would you like some help carrying those?” Amber asked.
Emilia looked at the books on the tables and then the books in her hands. She had many more tables to visit before she was done. She would certainly run out of space in her arms before then.
“Yes, please.”
Amber took the majority of the pile from her.
“I’m sorry, this must be very boring for you,” she apologised.
“Not at all. I like looking at all the translations and seeing what changed regarding the covers. Or when things stayed exactly the same. I’m sure that sounds strange to you.”
“Not at all. Many of the books I read are released in English first, so it’s interesting to see what happens if it goes on to be translated.”
“Great, I’ll leave you to it. I’m going to see what’s hot in YA,” Amber said as she departed with a smile.
Emilia wasn’t sure that Amber was as interested as she claimed, but she appreciated the sentiment. A while longer in the security of the soft furnishings and jazz playlist and she’d hopefully be feeling rejuvenated and ready to move on to the next store.
A loud noise outside caused her to jump. She looked around and noticed it was a group of teenagers dressed up in Christmas hats, shouting and laughing. She took a few deep breaths. She hoped that the shopping visit would soon be declared a success by Amber and that they could leave.
She just needed to keep it together a while longer.
Lunch was frantic. Everyone in the mall had decided to eat around the same time, and every single eatery was packed with people. In the end, Amber had sat Emilia at a table in the only café with space and gone to queue.
Emilia gripped her scarf in her hands, watching as people with trays milled around the restaurant looking for a spare table. She hated being at an empty table. She wondered if people thought she was rude for sitting there. Or worse, if someone was going to ask to sit with her. It wasn’t a very Swedish thing to do, but external influences were changing people’s perceptions. Or maybe a tourist would come and sit with her. Maybe someone chatty.
She shivered.
She looked at the queue and willed it to move quicker. She wanted Amber with her. The whole day had been rescued by Amber knowing what she needed and providing it for her. Somehow Amber could detect when she was starting to lose control and quickly swooped in and made everything better, without even saying anything.
Real panic was starting to seep in. Emilia was finding it difficult to get enough breath, and her lungs felt sore from the effort and lack of oxygen. She let go of her scarf and gripped the table, needing something more solid to hold on to.
Oh no, not now.
It had been years since she’d had a full-blown panic attack. Not that she could remember it. She’d been out with Hugo, and the next thing she knew, she was at home. She’d passed out cold, her body just shut down to save her from herself.
She was spiralling. Just the thought of having a panic attack made her anxiety ratchet up several notches, which she knew brought the whole likelihood of passing out that much closer.
Her vision was starting to lose focus, and black started to creep in around the edges. She slammed her eyes closed and held on to the table. She wondered if she’d flop onto the table or knock the whole thing over when she did finally collapse.
“Hey.” The voice sounded familiar but so distant.
She felt arms wrap around her, keeping her upright.
“Emilia, can you open your eyes for me?”
It was only then that she realised her eyes were tightly scrunched closed. She focused as hard as she could on the simple task of opening her eyes. After a few long moments, she managed to open them just enough to let a little of the bright light in.
She winced. She could feel her brow was furrowed, causing a headache to start.
“I think we should go home.”
Emilia looked at the woman sitting beside her, arms still wrapped solidly around her.
Amber, she remembered. Home. She felt relieved at the thought.
“Do you think you’re okay to walk?”
Emilia didn’t know.
She noticed a man approaching her. Suddenly Amber was in a conversation with him, but she couldn’t make out any of the words. She burrowed her face in the tall collar of her jacket, hoping to shy away from the attention she must have been drawing to herself.
She wanted to be home. She wished she had never left. She started to gasp for breath. Everything was fading in and out and suddenly… it was black.