––––––––
The instant the door closed, Jake let go of my hand, leaned against the wall, put his hands on his knees, and heaved in a breath.
Two windows showed pale, yellow light in to the hallway, illuminating the white washed walls and revealing red rust on the staircase railing.
My lips hummed. My body prickled. I’d never felt so alive or so confused.
Jake’s kiss had played out in my head a million times, but I never thought that it would actually happen. Why today? Why now?
He kept his eyes on the floor as he struggled to get his breathing under control. He was dressed like an All-American boy, with his pink polo shirt, blue jacket, light gray pants that matched his eyes, and loafers. The clothes were simple, but he made them look like they were fresh from the runways of Paris.
Finally, his eyes raised to mine, and they widened, as if just realizing that I was there.
My confusion grew stronger, making my stomach ache and my chest tighten.
“Hi.” I gave him a little wave, feeling foolish and awkward.
“I’m so screwed.”
His brows furrowed in what looked like regret.
At this juncture in our relationship, I was not expecting those words. I imagined he’d say, I’ve noticed you, or I think you’re adorable, but definitely not I’m so screwed.
My hands hugged my nervous stomach. I didn’t have a lot of experience with boys, but I knew that having someone say they were screwed after they kissed you was not good.
“Things just got a little ... out of hand.” He stood and raked his hands through his thick, blond hair.
Out of control? What did that mean?
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“It’s just that Dana was making out with that jerk right in front of me, and I didn’t want to seem pathetic, so...”
His voice trailed off. I didn’t need to hear him say the end of that sentence. I already knew what he meant. He’d kissed the first girl he saw so that Dana would be just as jealous as he was.
I was that first girl.
My heart screeched to a stop then cracked into a million pieces. I was a fool. A pawn. Embarrassment washed over me, and I felt my cheeks heat. Anger bubbled in my chest, and I bit my bottom lip, holding in the threatening tears.
I was just some girl. Some very lucky, very stupid girl.
I sniffed back my tears. One thing was for sure. I would not cry in front of him. Not in a million years! He’d embarrassed me, but I had my pride. He would not take that away from me. Ever!
Squaring my shoulders, I reached for the peeling silver door handle. My intent was to grab Ariel, make a quick exit, and be swallowed whole by the Earth. Jake foiled my carefully laid plans by running past me and pressing himself against the door. He was a big boy, and strong. One tug on the handle let me know that I wouldn’t be getting out of this hallway if he didn’t want me to.
A new emotion showed up to play. Fear. Fear that wrapped around my arms, and slithered over my shoulders. I was trapped in a hallway with Jake. If I ran down the stairs, he would catch me. If I went for the door, he’d block it.
I focused on not appearing afraid, puffing out my chest like the bullfrogs in the lake near my grandparents’ house. I took a step back from the door, crossed my arms in front of me, and gave him my best withering look. It was the one that my mother used to give me when I misbehaved in public as a child.
“Let go of the door,” I commanded.
Was this the boy that I had liked? That I had dreamed about? How could he embarrass me in front of the whole school then trap me in a hallway? What kind of a person does that? What kind of person was he?
“No. You can’t go back in there,” he said, his eyes wide. Pleading. Less scary. “At least, not alone. Not without a plan. Look, uh, uh...”
He looked around, and snapped his fingers.
My stomach dropped. The truth was painfully obvious. He did not know my name. His brother had just introduced us on Friday, and by Monday, I was forgotten. My illusions about Jake Winsted melted into a puddle and swirled down the drain of my heart.
He didn’t even remember my name.
Infuriated, I rushed to the door and pulled with all my might, determined to escape before I had a complete breakdown in front of him. Before I screamed.
“Get out of my way!”
“No. We need to talk.”
“Haven’t you done enough?” I cried. “You’ve just kissed me in front of the entire school, and you don’t even know my name. What else do you want from me?”
He squeezed his hands together in a praying gesture.
“Please. I need your help.”
I shook my head. My chest hurt. My stomach hurt. My head hurt. My heart hurt. I just wanted to find Ariel, go home, and hide under my blankets forever.
I backed up, leaning against the wall as he’d done a few moments before.
“There is nothing that you can say to me that I want to hear. I just want to go home.”
“Come on. I just kissed you.” The thought seemed to impress him, because he smiled at me. A big, stupid, cocky grin, just like his brother’s. My blood boiled. “That should count for something, right? I mean, what girl doesn’t want to be kissed by Jake Winsted?”
He couldn’t be that arrogant. No one could be that arrogant.
“You can’t be serious,” I said.
He shrugged, his chest puffing out in pride.
He was serious. It wasn’t a joke. Jake Winsted honestly thought that he was god’s gift to women.
It was so crazy that I would have laughed out loud had I not been so furious. I massaged my temples with my pointer fingers. I had to keep my hands busy, or else I would punch him.
How could my dreams of him be so different from reality? Had I been that love sick? That naïve? How could I have been so in love with him and not known him at all? My anger with him warred with the anger at myself for my own stupidity. I pushed off the wall, stood up straight, and pinned him with a glare.
“If you don’t move in the next five seconds, I am going to scream. One, two-”
He held his hands up defensively.
“Look. I just need for you to pretend to be my girlfriend for a week or two.”
His words confused me, and I shook my head, squinting at him.
“What?”
He couldn’t have just said what I thought he said. But he did. I could tell because he looked more pleased with himself with every passing second.
“You and me will go around school for the next two weeks, acting like boyfriend and girlfriend, making out, holding hands, whatever. Then, Dana will get super jealous and beg me to take her back. It’s the perfect plan.”
Was he serious? That was his plan? I let out a breath.
“Jake, whatever crazy plan you’re thinking up, forget it. I have—”
“A boyfriend?”
I shook my head. “No. Pride. Dignity. A life. Morals. I’m not a liar.”
“Not a problem. I can overlook that stuff if you can, uh...” He snapped his fingers again. “Uh.”
“Bella. My name is Bella French.”
“Yes.” His words came out a little too loudly. “Bella French. Uh ... you do go to my school, right?”
Now this was just getting insulting. I shook my head and rolled my eyes, my chest tightening. Every second that I was in this hallway made me more and more angry.
“We are in English together,” I growled. “We’ve been in, like, a million classes together since Freshman year. You know what? Never mind. Get out of my way.”
I charged forward, pushing at his heavy, unmoving body. Each shove made me more and more angry. I swore that I would never like another boy again.
“No. Wait. This can work out for both of us. A relationship with me will skyrocket you up the popularity food chain. I am offering you an opportunity to change your entire high school existence.”
I paused.
“You’re a nobody now, right? No one knows your name. But with me, no one will be able to forget it.”
I thought about reaching for the door, but, for some reason, I hesitated.
“People will kill themselves to talk to you, to sit with you, to dress like you, to talk like you.”
I thought about how I had examined every outfit Dana ever wore. The way she walked. The way she talked. I remember how I wished that I was her. That I wished for her life.
“They’ll listen to everything you have to say. With me by your side, you could run this school in ways that Dana never could.”
I let out a breath. My hands shook. My body felt electric.
It bothered me to think about how tempting this deal was. If I took it, it would make me a terrible person. A liar. A fake. A fraud. I shouldn’t have even considered it. And yet, I was considering it.
Jake saw the look in my eye. That yearning to be someone better. To be popular. He stood up from the door and stepped forward as if he knew that I was no longer a flight risk.
He was right. I wasn’t.
A relationship with him would give me what I wanted. A voice. But did I want it this way? What would my friends say if they knew what I was doing? They’d tell me to run as far and as fast from Jake as I could. But they didn’t want the things I did. They didn’t care that we were nothing at this school.
I cared that I was nothing in this school.
I did not want to be nothing anymore.
I looked away from Jake, lest he see how much I was considering his offer.
“What about that little red head you came in with? Ayanna, Aretha, Alanna-”
“Ariel.” My voice was strained and choked. The air was thick with my wanting. My yearning to rise above the masses. It was so close that I could touch it.
“Yes. Ariel. She’s on the swim team, right? Her father owns half of New York.”
I didn’t respond, and he kept talking.
“I have it on good authority that she likes my friend, Eric. I can get him to ask her out. In fact, I can personally guarantee that he will ask her to the Winter Formal. All you have to do is say yes.”
I raised an eyebrow. He’d already offered me the pot. Now he was sweetening it to irresistible levels.
“You’re selling your friend to us?”
He stood up straight and crossed his arms across his chest.
“No. But I can be very persuasive.”
His fingertips ran up my cheek, draining a bit of my anger from me. I had to admit, his touch felt nice.
“I am offering you everything. Popularity. A dream date for your friend. Me. Say yes and you can have it all.”
I couldn’t believe that I was actually considering this. I didn’t want to be Jake’s plaything, but now I had to think about Ariel. What would she think of me if I told her that I had said no to the one opportunity she had to date Eric? Would she ever talk to me again? If I were her, would I ever talk to me again?
The answer came immediately.
Absolutely not.
I let out a breath.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked.
Jake’s smile faded.
“Dana’s already moved on. I just want to show her that I can, too.” He shrugged. “She’ll see. When it all falls apart, she’ll come crawling back on her hands and knees.”
“That’s a very sad and demented story. But if it’s all going to fall apart anyway, why do you need me?”
“Don’t you see? You are perfect. You’re smart and you wear these hand me down clothes. You will be the catalyst. Once Dana sees that I’m with someone like you, she won’t be able to sleep at night. Then, she’ll take me back.”
I frowned at him.
“Do you know how insulting that is?”
“What? The part about you being smart or the part about the clothes?”
I growled. “All of it. I’m not some weirdo troll that you can manipulate to get your girlfriend back.”
“I didn’t say that you were. In fact, if you did your hair and wore makeup and clothes that weren’t rescued from a dumpster, you could be dateable.”
My anger went into orbit.
“I’m leaving.”
“No. Please. Just give me a chance. Give this a chance. Think about Ariel. She’d do it for you, and you want her to be happy, right? Plus, you can consider this your good deed for life. Please, Brenda.”
“Bella.”
“Sorry. Bella. Please!”
I was vaguely aware that saying yes to Jake would be equivalent to making a deal with the devil. Jake was a self-centered jerk, who didn’t know my name and who had insulted me. But he had offered me the thing that I wanted the most. A voice. To leave the realms of invisibility behind and walk among the stars. To have people notice me. The fact that I now had Ariel’s happiness to think about took away any choice that I had.
I remembered the first time I’d met Ariel. It was in the first gym class of Freshman year. The teacher, a sadist named Ms. Whittier, had forced us in to a game of dodgeball. Ariel and I were on one team. Dana, Mel, Ursula, and Stephanie were on another.
Stephanie had intentionally thrown a ball at my face, making my nose bleed and sending me to the nurse’s office. Ten minutes later, Stephanie had joined me with the same injury, screaming about how she was going to get that red headed witch. I got a swollen nose, a permanent place on the Stephanie’s crap list, and a best friend all in the same day.
Ariel had fought for me that day. I knew that she would always fight for me. And now, here I was, with her happiness in my hand. I had to take this chance. I just had to. She wanted Eric, and if this was the only way for her to get him, then so be it.
I sighed.
I was going to hate myself in the morning.