––––––––
I was angry.
I was so angry that I wasn’t sure who I hated more. Jake for putting me in the situation, or myself for agreeing to this stupid plan.
I told Ms. Mitchell that I didn’t feel well and she gave me a pass to the nurse. Instead of going, I took a detour and went to my one place of solace in this entire school. The library.
Mrs. Smalls, the librarian, smiled at me when I walked in. She didn’t speak much, unless she was talking about books. I appreciated her for that, seeing as how I wasn’t feeling particularly chatty today. Murderous was more like it.
I staked out the very back table and put my head in my hands, dreading the next bell. All my anger was draining. My eyes drifted shut as I tried to wrangle my crazed thoughts.
The fifth period bell rang, and I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I just sat there in the library, with my head in my hands and my world spinning around me until a familiar voice called my name.
“Bella?”
I looked up from my one-woman pity party to see Ms. Mitchell pulling out a chair. She wore a navy, sleeveless top and a matching skirt today. Her red glasses swung from around her neck. She was still wearing her T-strapped heels.
“Honey, what’s wrong?”
Hot tears formed behind my eyes. Suddenly, all the stresses I felt that week hit me all at once. I threw myself in to her arms and sobbed. Jake’s plan, Ariel, my strange feelings for Cole, Detective Harding. All of it etched itself in wet, dark lines on Ms. Mitchell’s shoulders. I cried until there were no more tears left in me. And through it all, Ms. Mitchell silently rubbed my back like my mother used to. She didn’t say anything. She had no questions. She was just there. A warm body with loving arms, catching me as I fell apart. It was what I needed. A place where I felt safe enough to fall, knowing that there would be someone to catch me.
After what felt like an hour of crying, and boy did it feel good, I sat up and wiped my eyes with the back of my hands. I was sure that all my makeup was absolutely ruined, but I didn’t care. I had to let my worries and my fears free. If I didn’t, they would have crushed me.
Ms. Mitchell gave me a small, reassuring smile, and handed me a few tissues. They turned blacker with every swipe across my eyes and cheeks.
God. I must’ve looked like a raccoon.
I cleaned up as best as I could, all while Ms. Mitchell ran her fingers through my hair in that comforting way that parents do to their children. I only had one parent left, but I was glad that Ms. Mitchell filled in today. I needed it.
“My mom always said that people only cry when they’ve been strong for too long.” She brushed a long string of brown hair behind my ear. “Have you been strong, Bella?”
Strong? No. I’ve been weak. I’d let Jake manipulate my life until it wasn’t recognizable anymore. The problem was, I didn’t know how to make him stop. How was I supposed to get off this runaway train? I needed advice, but I couldn’t let Ms. Mitchell know who I was referring to.
“Have you ever told a lie that grew and grew until you didn’t know where the truth ended and the lie began?” I asked, still dabbing at my raccoon eyes.
Ms. Mitchell nodded. “Everyone lies, Bella. Even old matrons like me.”
I didn’t believe that Ms. Mitchell had ever told a lie in her life. At least not like the lies that I’d told. I didn’t mention it, though.
“But, do you know what’s more important than a lie?” she asked.
I shook my head.
“Telling the truth when it counts.”
“What if it’s not enough?” I asked.
She smiled and brushed another hair from my face.
“Oh, sweetie. It will always be enough.”
She pulled me in to a tight hug, then set me away from her.
“Now, go wash your face and reapply your make-up. You can’t face the world looking like a drowning raccoon.”
She stood and smoothed her skirt. I wished she’d stay. I needed some more mothering, if just for a little while.
“What if I’m not ready to face the world?” I asked.
She chuckled and started toward the door, her heels clicking their slow Morse Code with each step.
“Bella, dear, if there is one thing that I know about you, it’s that your heart is bigger than you realize. Don’t worry about if you’re ready to face the world. The world should be worried about facing you.”