––––––––
I was waiting at the table when Cole showed up. He wore the same expression that he’d worn the first day of our sessions. I’d called it piss poor then. Now, I understood. When you wanted something so badly and you couldn’t have it, that was the expression you wore. Frustrated. Sad. Alone.
I wondered if mine looked the same.
He didn’t sit down. Only stood awkwardly over me, looking at me like I was a dying puppy.
“I came to say that I spoke to Mr. Cogg. He said that you were doing better in French.”
I nodded, and knew that what he was going to say next was going to break the tiny piece of me that was yet unshattered.
“I told him that I couldn’t tutor you anymore. Lucienda Collins is going to take over as of tomorrow.”
I nodded, because there were no words to say. We both knew that this was best for the both of us. We couldn’t be together. His brother stood between us, like a wall.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Yeah. Me, too.”
We stood in silence, looking at each other like we often did. It was comforting to know that some things never changed. I liked looking at Cole. He liked looking at me. It was our thing.
“I’ll miss you, Bella,” he said. “I’ll miss hanging out with you.”
“What will you miss?” I asked. My eyes watered, but the tears didn’t fall. I think it was because I didn’t have any left.
“I’ll miss calling you Pippi Long Stocking,” he said.
“I don’t remember you calling me that.”
“Well, not to your face. I thought it, though. I meant to tease you about it, but I didn’t get the chance.”
I smiled. A sad smile.
“I’ll miss how your French accent reminded me of Pepe Lepew,” I said.
“That was deliberate. I knew you’d remember what I said if I did it in a funny accent.”
“You’re a liar.”
“Maybe. I’ll miss your red sneakers. Non-name brand, size ten. I meant to tease you about it, but we ran out of time.” He ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “There was so much that I never got to tease you about. It sucks.”
“You can tease the next girl.”
“There won’t be a next girl. No other girl can match me like you can. You’re witty and smart. It’s annoying, really.”
A lump formed in my throat. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t. It hurt to be around Cole and not be with him. Like breathing in glass.
“I know that you didn’t want to partner with me at first, but I’m glad we did. I’m glad that I got to know the girl that I’d fantasized about for two years. You exceeded my dreams, Bella. You still do. And if you’re with Jake, that’s fine. I’ll stand back and let him have you. But, I want you to know that you were everything that I never knew I needed or wanted, and the second you have a doubt, you come to me. I’ll be waiting for you.”
He tapped on his notebook twice, then turned and walked away.
I thought that I had no more tears to shed.
I was wrong.
The final piece of me shattered there at the library table. I didn’t bother to hide my tears, and no one asked me why.