Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Robbie had never thought his fear of losing his father would cost him a relationship—or at least a potential relationship. It was tempting to interpret Raj’s comment as meaning he wanted more. Even if he didn’t, Robbie could understand a grown man not wanting to fool around like a teenager trying to get away with something behind an adult’s back.
He’d been planning to do it, but he’d used what was happening between him and Raj as an excuse to keep putting it off, instead of seeing it as a spur to get it over and done. Maybe he’d been waiting to find out what Raj wanted? But that was just another excuse. He’d put it off for so long, thinking it would get easier. It didn’t matter what Raj wanted or didn’t want. Well, obviously it did, because the thought that Raj might not want him caused a painful ache in his chest, but that was a separate issue.
He returned to the fire so his father and Wanda wouldn’t ask any questions, but he stayed quiet and kept stealing looks at Raj’s trailer. The DVD was Zootopia, which they’d both admitted to seeing in the theatre. Robbie hadn’t pressed Raj about what—if any—other Disney movies Raj might like. It had genuinely been more comfortable for Robbie to admit to watching porn. The DVD was meant to give them an excuse to be alone together in Raj’s trailer. And since they’d both seen it already, it didn’t matter if they didn’t actually watch the movie. He’d been excited about the prospect all week.
Two hours alone with Raj would be worth far more than the purchase price of the DVD.
He packed the movie, still in the grey bag, into his duffel where, hopefully, his father and Wanda would forget it existed. Robbie slept on the sofa in their trailer, a fold-out that he seldom folded out. He had a sleeping bag that he rolled up each morning and slept in thin flannel pyjama pants and T-shirt.
Trivial details like that occupied his mind until Saturday morning. He woke up with morning wood, specifically Raj wood, and waited until it subsided before grabbing his clothes and going into the bathroom. Wanda had already started the coffeemaker, and she’d made sandwiches the night before. His father was down at the boat, checking the gas and cables and a dozen other things no one wanted to have go wrong half a mile offshore.
He made sure to have his back to the bank as they cruised past Raj’s trailer, though his parents waved. Which was his mistake.
“You and Raj have a fight or something?” Wanda asked, half laughing.
“Yeah, something.” Robbie knew they wouldn’t let it go, especially Wanda. “I was a big jerky-jerk-face, and I said I was sorry, and he said he forgave me, but he didn’t, and… God, I sound like I’m ten fucking years old.”
“Kinda.” His dad snickered. “Except you’re not crying and wiping snot on your sleeve.”
“Yet,” Robbie said glumly, but the silly image his father’s words created put a hint of a smile on his face. They neared the channel mouth, and Wayne pushed the throttle into high speed. The lake was still, for Lake Erie. They dropped anchor about a depth of thirty feet and started putting minnows on their hooks.
“Limit or bust!” Wanda said cheerfully and let her line go.
“Dad…if I was gay, would we still be here fishing?”
“Probably not,” his father said with a laugh. “Gays don’t fish.”
“’Cause it’s a ‘real man’s’ sport,” Wanda added dryly, shaking her rod for emphasis.
“That’s not what I meant,” Wayne protested.
Wanda caught Robbie’s eye and rolled her head from shoulder to shoulder, like rolling her eyes wouldn’t express enough disdain.
“Come on,” his father said, catching the broad gesture. “How many gay fishermen do you know?”
Robbie wondered if Raj would join them at the fire or very obviously sit by himself. To his dismay, Raj did neither. He came out of his trailer, freshly showered and dressed in black dress pants with pleats at the front and a topaz-gold silk shirt that enhanced the warm colour of his skin and probably did amazing things to his already amazing eyes.
Paula whistled and called, “Got a hot date tonight, cutie?”
Raj gave her his sly, secret smile and said, “Just going into town to see what happens on a Saturday night.”
“Looking for someone with condoms and lube,” his dad said with a snicker.
Raj’s smile grew brittle, and his gaze swept over Robbie like he wasn’t there. “Maybe,” he agreed with a broad wink aimed at everyone else.
Watching Raj drive away, Robbie’s hands tightened to fists and his teeth clenched. He hated the thought of someone else doing anything with Raj that required condoms and lube. That was his answer then. He still didn’t know what was between them, but his father’s failure to respond to his question with disgust filled him with hope, and he wanted Raj. He wanted Raj enough to risk his father’s wrath.
He sat by the fire until it was nothing but red glowing coals, waiting for Raj to return. But he said nothing when the Jeep pulled up and Raj got out—alone, thank god. He waited until Raj went inside before checking his watch. It was half past one. Raj had only been gone two hours.
He set his alarm for four and dug out the bag with the DVD. When his alarm went off, he went out and hung it over Raj’s door handle and then went back to sleep for another hour.
“You got ants in your pants, Robbie?” Wayne asked with a frown, as Robbie reeled his line in again. “You been impatient all morning. I’m gonna outfish you at this rate.”
“I didn’t sleep well last night,” he said. “Also, too much coffee this morning.” He grinned, but his heart wasn’t in it. He checked his minnows and let the line down again. “Want some water? Wanda?”
“Thanks.” She had on a floppy-brimmed hat, the kind bridesmaids wore, but the frayed satin band was decorated with fish hooks and small lures.
He got three bottles of water from the cooler and took his seat. Maybe he should have said something last night. He replayed the moment Raj came home, reeling it out in his head like a movie, only giving himself a confidence makeover and better lines.
He strides over to Raj, who’s even more gorgeous in his fancy clothes, and catches a glint of surprise before all expression is shuttered. Robbie takes Raj’s head in both hands and yanks it down for a kiss, rough and demanding. Raj, spine stiff in surprise, softens, returns the kiss, his strong hands sliding around Robbie’s waist.
“Good,” Robbie says.
“Good?”
“You don’t smell like another man.”
Raj’s mouth curves in that secret smile. “There is no other man for me.”
Yeah, right, like that would have happened. As his rod bent, he leapt forward and yanked it up to set the hooks.
He reeled and relaxed and reeled again, pulling up the reluctant fish only to discover a double-header—both of his hooks had perch on them.
“Two at a time—that’s gotta be cheating,” his father said in admiration.
Robbie swallowed a sigh and pulled out a grin for his father. “I’m just better than you, old man.”
It was afternoon by the time they came in. Raj’s boat was there and his Jeep, but his trailer was closed up, and the bag still hung off the door. If Robbie hadn’t seen him come home alone, he’d be imagining the worst. Not that you have any right to be upset. He would like to have the right to be upset.
His mood shot sky-high when, around five-ish, Raj called out, “Robbie!”
He grinned and practically bounced over to Raj’s site. “Yeah?”
“What’s this?” Raj dangled the bag from one finger.
“Um.” His mood went into butterfly-inducing free fall. “I thought maybe we could watch it. Together.”
Raj’s elegant dark eyebrows drew together. “I can’t be ‘just friends,’ Robbie. We’ve gone too far.”
“I know,” he said miserably. “I don’t wanna be just friends either.”
“So, what then? You thought we’d cosy up in my trailer and then fall into sex? And I’d forgive you, and we’d just go on from there?”
Robbie looked down, unable to meet Raj’s incredulous expression. It sounded really manipulative when Raj put it that way. “I don’t know. No. You’re right. We’re both too old to be fooling around in dark corners like guilty teens. I don’t want that either. I want to kiss you, right now, right here and not care who sees.” He looked up, pleading with his eyes.
Raj still looked sceptical.
“Anywhere but here; that’s how I am. If I was a true closet case, would I have thrown myself at you so blatantly?” He took two steps closer to Raj. “Before I knew there was a tall, dark, handsome man in Port Stephen, I was working out a way to tell my father that I’d never be bringing a girlfriend here. I can’t do it over the phone, so it has to be here, and you know what here is like.”
“Very straight. Very white,” Raj said with a ghost of a smile. The expression vanished as he added, “It makes a convenient excuse.”
And he brushed past Robbie before Robbie could explain.
He reluctantly joined his father and Wanda for an evening stroll on the beach. It was better than staying at the trailer alone, being very pointedly ignored. They bought ice cream in waffle cones from the Sandcastle, and Robbie took his to the pier so his father and Wanda could enjoy the romance of a sunset walk on the beach. When they got back to the RV park, Raj’s lights were on, and his door was closed up tight.
Robbie drove back to St. Albans early on Sunday, returned the rental car, and ordered in a pizza. He needed to do something, something to show Raj he wasn’t a closet case, except to his father. It had to be before next weekend too because he couldn’t bear another one like this.