I was too impatient to wait for tomorrow. After school Chainsaw agreed to comb the beach with me in search of my personal lifesaver. He wasn’t hard to convince. Looking for a beautiful girl? He did that every day of his life. Chainsaw had braces, freckles, and straw hair, but that didn’t stop him from thinking he was a studly gift to the female gender.
When we reached the beach I was mortified. All my ads were gone. Didn’t law enforcement have better things to do? How would I ever find her now?
“Cheer up! There’s a lot of other girls here!” Chain said happily. “Look at those two over there,” he said, pointing to a blonde and redhead lying on towels. He fearlessly walked over to them. “Hey, ladies,” he said gallantly to the two bikini-clad girls. “My friend, Spencer,” Chainsaw said, “was knocked out by his surfboard this morning and nearly drowned. He was saved by an intelligent, pretty girl. He’s looking for his rescuer to give her a sizeable reward.”
The bleached-blonde girl didn’t have time for Chainsaw’s charm and placed her headphones back over her ears. But the redhead giggled, intrigued by this new pick-up line.
“And you were wondering whether it was me or my friend?” she asked, taking a swig of Evian.
“Exactly,” Chain said. “You see, Spencer was a breath away from death and his vision was understandably blurry. The only way he can identify his lifesaver is if she performs mouth-to-mouth again.”
The girl laughed wildly. “Did you ever hear that one before?” she said to her friend. “I told you Californians were wild!”
The redhead looked me over as if I were a giant ice cream cone, contemplating if I were worth the calories.
“Let’s go,” I said, nudging Chainsaw.
“Well, what’s the reward?” she suddenly asked. “I mean if I’m the one—”
“This necklace,” Chainsaw added, pointing to the heart dangling from my neck.
“Are you crazy?” I whispered, glaring.
“That’s an antique, isn’t it?” she said, eyeing the sparkling heart. She smiled at me and rose to her feet.
“What are you doing?” her friend asked, taking off her headphones and sitting up.
“We came to California to have fun, didn’t we?” the redhead asked, adjusting her blue bikini bottom. “Stuff like this never happens in Wisconsin!”
She stood face to face with me. I wasn’t sure if she was going to kiss me or laugh at me. Her red lipstick was faded from the sun and her sweet chubby cheeks were shiny from sunscreen. Three days ago I would have jumped at the chance to kiss an attractive older girl. I would have even kissed Arnold Schwarzenegger in a blue bikini. But that life-saving kiss had changed me. The flirty tourist smiled, giggled, and stared into my eyes, ignoring her friend, who was shaking her head.
What was happening? Girls never fall for this stuff!
“Okay, pretend you’re drowning,” she giggled, leaning in.
And I did something I never in my testosterone-driven years thought I’d do. I extended my arm to her shoulders, blocking her from kissing me.
“Are you crazy?” Chainsaw screamed.
“I’m sorry, you’re not her,” I apologized, and walked away.
Chain stepped in. “You can save me!” he pleaded, leaning in to her.
“Sorry,” she quipped, pointing to his braces, “I’m not into heavy metal!”
“Are you out of your mind?” Chain panted, catching up to me.
“You don’t get it. This isn’t about scoring!” I said, turning around. “Promise me you’ll really help me find her!”
“Okay, okay. If you promise me one thing.”
“Yes?”
“Next time I get to be the one who was rescued!”
I leaned against the railing on the pier, frustrated and exhausted, staring at the waves crashing against the rocks.
“Dude, like if she’s that beautiful,” Chainsaw said, “she’s gotta have a major boyfriend. Probably three of them.”
“Thanks for the support.”
“I’m trying to protect you.”
“Protect me from what?”
“Maybe there’s a reason you haven’t seen this dream girl. She could be married. She could have escaped from prison.”
“You just can’t believe a beautiful girl would like me!”
“Of course I believe it, man! You’re a surfer stud! That buff babe was ready to smack your lips and she didn’t even know you, the true you. The you that’ll turn in early because you have to surf the next day. The you that reads Romeo and Juliet because you want to. The you that’ll hang out with scum like me!”
I couldn’t help but smile. Chainsaw seemed to be out for himself, but in the end he was always there for me. “I just want this dream girl to be major league. I don’t want to lose you to a flaky heartbreaker,” he said.
“You won’t lose me,” I replied, playfully punching him in the arm.
“Come on,” he said, setting his chewing gum on the railing and then flicking it into the waves. “Let’s play a couple games of Alien Attack at my house.”
“No thanks,” I said, as we began walking back to the beach. “I don’t feel like vaporizing green creatures.”
“Don’t feel like zapping aliens?” Chainsaw said, stopping in his tracks. “Damn! I’ve already lost you!”