once wrote an episode of a television sitcom
Grace Brothers. The shop floor. The usual staff.
Enter two sinister customers, GOLDBLATT and MCCOURT.
CAPT. PEACOCK Good morning, gentlemen, may I—
GOLDBLATT Sit down.
MCCOURT They’re coming for you.
CAPT. PEACOCK I beg your pardon. Who is coming?
GOLDBLATT The men. (Pause.) The men are coming.
MR HUMPHRIES Ooh, good-ee. Save one for me.
MCCOURT And who are you?
MR HUMPHRIES My name’s Humphries.
MCCOURT No it’s not. I remember you … (Pause.) You’re … Prendergast. Aren’t you?
HUMPHRIES (cross) Well, no one’s ever spoken to me like this before in my life.
MRS SLOCOMBE These … men, whoever they are, I hope they’re not going to interfere with my pussy.
MCCOURT What’s this about a cat? Do you see a cat? You. What’s your name?
MISS BRAHMS Miss Brahms.
MCCOURT Well … Miss … Brahms. Do you see a cat?
MISS BRAHMS No, not reelly. But I think … well … what she means is … it’s more of a metaphor reelly.
MRS SLOCOMBE Oh no, not another pause. There’s more paws round here than on my pussy.
GOLDBLATT Be quiet about your … pussy. No one’s interested in your … domestic pet.
CAPT. PEACOCK Can I interest you gentlemen in a sports jacket?
MR HUMPHRIES You couldn’t interest me whatever you wore, dear.
MCCOURT Yes. I want a Norfolk jacket. You ever been to Norfolk?
MISS BRAHMS Oh, it’s ever so nice in Norfolk.
MCCOURT With wooden buttons. Side vents. Leather elbow patches. Like we used to have them … Before the men came.
GOLDBLTT When we were still free.
Pause.
MCCOURT No one’s free any more.
Short pause.
MR HUMPHRIES I’m free!