Dear Diary, if he loved me!
Maddie watched from the bedroom window as the helicopter took its smooth ascent and headed into the dusky sky with Kimber and her father on board. She expected Zach to come looking for her now his ex had finally left.
She blinked, hating the sting of tears she couldn’t seem to clear from blurring her vision. Well, she couldn’t say he hadn’t warned her. The night outside the jazz club he’d been honest with her. The memory of his words came back in the form of an acid greeting. I’m no good for you. I’ll rip your heart out in the end and leave it bleeding on the floor.
He’d certainly done that.
It was over. Her heart hurt so much, she could hardly breathe.
After she’d made the call for Zach, she had slipped the phone back into his jean pocket and headed toward the house. He’d called after her, but she hadn’t trusted herself to even look his way much less speak.
Self-preservation had urged her to grab her bags and run, hide her fractured heart from Zach. Lack of knowledge kept her hostage. She’d gotten as far as phoning for a cab. It was only when they’d asked where she wanted collecting from that she’d realized she didn’t know Zach’s address. She’d decided to wait and ask him to take her to the airport instead.
All she wanted was to head back to the UK and move out of her house because there was no way she was going to continue living next door to Zach. After today, she couldn’t imagine having any type of relationship with him—not even friendship.
How could they ever get back to the kind of intimacy they’d shared? She dashed away a silly tear. As relationships went, this one had to have been the shortest, most disastrous she’d ever had. She’d had plenty of relationships, but they had all ended the moment the guy realized she couldn’t commit to him physically.
None of them had been Zach. And now she’d finally experienced making love with him, she couldn’t envision herself with anyone else.
The bedroom door flew open and Zach stormed into the room, startling Maddie. The door banged off the wall as his gaze jerked to her packed flight bag on the divan. He tossed a brown envelope toward the bed. It landed on the edge and balanced there.
“I’m not letting you go.” His long strides brought him to her. He caught her around the waist, pulled her into his arms. “Not without a fight.”
Maddie’s heart did a strange double leap as the force of his growled declaration shook her fortitude. She took a deep breath that trembled going in. This was her heart on the line, affections Zach had trampled until she could no longer trust him. If he couldn’t be honest with her, what would they have to base a relationship on?
Maddie drew in a breath filled with regret and Zach’s unique scent. She’d wanted to believe he loved her—even though he never said the words—because it suited her sensibilities. Assured her she hadn’t saved herself for a man who would take pleasure with her for a short while, then discard her as easily as any player would.
If she wanted to preserve what little dignity she had left, she needed to break away from him completely.
“Release me, Zach.” She pushed against him.
He tightened his hold. “Don’t run from me, Mad. I tried to tell you about CCP the day of your accident—”
“You mean the day your ex-wife tried to kill me?”
He released her. “Kimber is out of our lives now. The law takes attempted murder seriously. I’ve made it clear I’ll press charges for harassment if she comes near us again.”
Maddie took a step toward the bed with the intention of grabbing her bag and getting out of there, whether she had a lift to the airport or not. “I truly pray she gets the help she needs—for her sake.”
Zach caught her arm, stopping her before she reached the bed. “I don’t want to talk about her. She’s finally out of my life and she’s going to stay that way.” He exhaled and she saw the anguish in his gaze before he closed his eyes and let his head fall back. “I’m sorry you had to find out about Andalucía from Kimber.”
Maddie yanked her arm out of his grasp and took a few steps away from him. He looked wounded and she didn’t trust that she wouldn’t toss aside her values and fling herself into his arms to comfort him.
“I’m not upset because you won the bid for Andalucía. I’m upset because you never told me you were behind CCP Development.” She kept her voice firm in case he should notice her weakness where he was concerned.
“I admit I should’ve told you from the beginning. I was about to tell you when Raquel interrupted me.”
Maddie turned on him. “You’ve had countless opportunities since then. You chose not to tell me you’re planning to destroy my ancestral home.” Her cheeks stung with the heat of anger.
“I’m not going to destroy Andalucía, Maddie. I have different plans for the house.”
She didn’t want to hear his ideas. Whatever they were, she was sure her ancestral home would not survive. For starters, Zach’s business was commercial property. What purpose would he have for a domestic residence, if not to make it available for commercial use? She just wanted to get away. She couldn’t bear to see the raw emotion in Zach’s eyes—didn’t want to give into the temptation to stay. As it was, he probably wouldn’t have to say much to have her falling at his feet.
“This thing we had—whatever it was—a fling!” The word came out with distaste. “Is over.” She grabbed her flight bag from atop the bed. “Now if we’re through here, I’d appreciate a lift to the airport.” As she pulled her bag off the bed, the A4 envelope Zach had flung there slid to the hardwood floor.
Then it hit her with the force of a heavy-duty drill. She’d just called it quits with Zach. The man she’d waited for all her adult life. As the enormity of what she was doing dawned on her, reaction set in. Her heart hammered, her legs grew weak as if trying to force her to stay, and her mind screamed are you crazy? You love this guy. She didn’t seem able to hold back the tears.
He would let her go.
She didn’t distrust that.
But was her love strong enough to deal with her trust issues and stop him?
~*~
ZACH’S GUT clenched at the determination on Maddie’s face. He kneaded the tension from the back of his neck. He’d taken chances all his life. He understood the value of risk. If he wanted the chance to keep Maddie, he had to step out of his comfort zone and risk everything. But was he too late? Been too thick in the head to realise what he had until she was about to walk away from him?
His chest ached so fiercely he understood what it meant to experience anguish. Not mere sadness or hurt, but the I-won’t-be-able-to-live-without-you type of agony. If he lost her, it would be a deserved punishment. But he wouldn’t let that happen.
Not without fighting for her.
And he could start by giving her what she wanted. He picked up the envelope, held it towards her.
“This belongs to you.”
Her gaze flicked to his proffered hand then back to his face. “What is it?”
Even if she no longer wanted him, she’d want this. “The deeds to Andalucía. I want you to have the house.”
She slung the bag strap over her shoulder. “Thanks, but the way I hear it, Andalucía is destined for the wrecking ball.”
When she didn’t take the envelope, he placed it back on the bed. “I suspended the project. The house is safe ... all yours. My people are working on finding another location. It’s not a problem.”
Actually it was, but he wasn’t telling her that. He wanted her to have the house. The inconvenience, added expense, and risk to his company were a small price to pay to give the woman he loved her heritage back.
She dropped her gaze, pushed back her hair as she ignored his gift, and turned toward the bedroom door. Rejection twisted his insides even as his mind tortured him with memories of those silky curls stroking his naked chest.
He stepped toward her.
She recoiled. “I can’t do this, Zach. I can’t be with a man I don’t trust.” Tears glittered in her eyes, thickened her voice. “How can I accept that house—love you, if I can’t trust you?”
She loved him. He knew she did, and it was all he wanted—needed. Maddie made him whole and he’d killed her trust. And with it, any chance he had at contentment.
She stood within touching distance, yet she seemed untouchable. He’d already lost her. He’d had her for a short time and it was more painful to have had that glimpse into ultimate happiness than he’d ever imagined. The best he could hope for was to try to preserve some of his self-respect. Give her the honour of walking away without dramatics. Zach was excellent at hiding his hurts. Maddie would never know she’d crushed his heart.
He had no reason to lock down his heart again because she’d rendered it totally useless. From this day forward, regret would be an emotion he’d live with. He retrieved the envelope and placed it in Maddie’s hand. Her breath hitched as his fingers brushed her palm.
“Whether you want it or not, Andalucía is yours.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, knowing he was losing the most important thing he ever had—Maddie. And there wasn’t a thing he could do about it. “I’ll be in the car.” He spoke softly, when all that he was urged him to drop to his knees and beg her to stay with him.
He knew she wouldn’t. Without realizing it, she’d destroyed him by throwing his love back in his face. He moved with lead feet through the cabin, rejection heavy on his shoulders. The haven he once treasured would now always remind him of a love discovered and lost. He walked out of the house, leaving the front door open. Maddie would soon follow him out.
Out of his cabin and out of his life.
“That’s an awful example of not letting you go without a fight. Do you usually retreat so easily?”
At the sound of Maddie’s question, he turned slowly, his gaze following the direction of her voice. She stood on the wrap-around balcony outside their room, a light evening breeze teasing her hair, one hand gripping the rail, the other holding the envelope.
“I don’t want this.” The envelope sailed through the air and landed at his feet. “I only ever wanted you.”
“You don’t trust me. Without trust, there is no love. You said so yourself.”
“I thought you broke my trust.” She pushed back her hair. “But when I thought about it, I realized you not telling me about your company couldn’t have been out of cruelty or you wouldn’t have tried to gift Andalucía to me. Signing over the house took time to arrange, which means you made the decision long before today. How could I not love you for that act of compassion?”
He picked up the envelope, hope unfurling deep inside him. “Andalucía belongs in your family.”
“My parents would agree, but you own that property now. You’re entitled to do whatever you wish with it.”
“I wish to give it to you.”
Her gaze steady on him, she tipped her head as if trying to figure his angle. “Why?”
From now on, only complete honesty. “I’m in love with you, Maddie, and I know how much this house means to you.”
Her eyes snapped open the same time her mouth did. “You’re in love with me?”
Why would that surprise her? He thought she knew. She certainly spoke with confidence when confronted by Kimber earlier.
“This is news to you?” Maybe he never said the three words but he’d told her his feelings even before he knew them. “Weren’t you listening when I told you, you mean the world to me?”
“That’s what you meant?”
Yes. He knew that now. “What did you think I was saying?”
“That you cared for me deeply.”
“Make no mistake about this, Maddison. I’ve fallen in love with you. You’ve always meant the world to me, it just took me a while to realise it was because I’m in love with you. When I think about it, I’ve always loved you on some level.” He moved closer to the cabin. He wanted to be up on the balcony with Maddie but he held back. The next move would have to be hers. “I told myself I cared for you as a valued friend. And tried never to admit I felt things for you no one should feel for a friend.”
“Are you saying you had feelings for me back in uni?”
He was ashamed to admit it but, “I think that’s why every time a guy would so much as look at you I’d warn him off, telling myself I was protecting you. That you were naive, when in fact, I hated the thought of you dating anyone because it filled me with jealousy. Somewhere in the last few weeks since you re-entered my life, I fell head over heels in love with you.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?” The question fell between them, weighed down with uncertainty.
That he was the cause of that uncertainty twisted his insides. “I only discovered how I felt a few hours ago. I know you probably can’t forgive me for keeping this from you.” He held up the envelope. “But at least allow me to give you the house, Maddie.”
“I don’t want it.” Even from this distance, he could see the sheen of tears in her eyes.
Dare he hang onto the desperation that had seized him when he’d walked into his room and saw her packed flight bag on the bed? Those tears had to mean she still loved him. Was she waiting for him to ask her to stay? To prove she could trust him, perhaps?
“Not even for your mum?” He tapped the envelope against his open palm.
“I can’t accept your generous offer, Zach. Especially when I have a pretty good idea of the problems it must be causing your company.”
“Like you said, it’s my house. I can do whatever I want with it. Take it, Maddie.”
Tears slid from her eyes. Her vulnerability tore at his heart. “Sorry, Zach. I can’t do that.”
To hell with self-respect. “Then marry me and we’ll live there together.”
Her expression shifted from wary to wonder a nanosecond before she gave him a smile that lit his whole world.
She released a tearful laugh. “Oh, Zach.” She turned and dashed through the French doors back into the bedroom.
Zach broke into a run, anxious to meet Maddie halfway.
He met her at the foot of the stairs with his arms open. When she leapt on him, he caught her, kissing her with all the love and need bursting from him.
“Marry me, Mad. Marry me and let me make up for all the years I was too stupid to realise you were the one.”
Delight flashed in her eyes a second before her lips landed on his in a kiss hot enough to warm his cabin all winter.
“Yes, Zach! Oh yes.” She kissed him again. “I’d like nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. I feel as though I’ve loved you forever.”
Maddie was his. Finally, to have and to hold for evermore. His living fantasy. The only woman he’d ever truly loved.
Thinking of fantasies, there was one he was longing to play out. And he knew just the place. Holding her securely against him, her legs around his waist, arms locked at the back of his neck and her voice whispering in his ear how much she loved him, Zach moved toward the back of the cabin.
Maddie glanced up. “Where are you taking me?” She nipped the sinew of his neck with a light scrape of her teeth that sent desire shooting through him.
He stopped, took a moment to devour her delicious mouth, then nuzzled her neck, giving her a taste of her brand of torture.
She let her head fall to the side to allow him better access. “Mmm, that feels nice.”
He dragged in a breath filled with Maddie’s aphrodisiac scent. “I still haven’t had the chance to fulfil that fantasy involving you, me, and a hot tub.” He continued his greedy nuzzling down the side of her throat toward the place where her neck and shoulder met, then suckled her there because he knew it drove her wild.
“Oh, yeah...” The words were a soft, throaty purr.
She smelled delicious and tasted better. He could get drunk just tasting her. “I love you, Maddison,” he growled between kisses.
“I love you too, Zach.”
He nipped her earlobe, sensed her smile.
“Mmm...”
He moved his mouth to the spot below her ear.
She shivered, breathed out a frayed sigh. “Just there.”
A chuckle rumbled from him as he pushed open the door to the poolroom with the hot tub in the far corner, and strolled through.
“Yup ... that’s the fantasy I’m talking about.”