Your personal power source is right under your nose . . . and she’s workin’ ya.
I live in the Arizona desert, and we have these little creatures called desert rats. They’re everything you think a rat might be. They have long tails and they’ll eat anything. And I do mean anything.
I have an Audi convertible. Those rats had the entire desert to choose from, and one decided to nest in the engine of my Audi. Then, one evening, it devoured for an early dinner some wires that were part of my transmission. It was so adept at getting into the small, hidden places that the Audi dealership had to pull the entire transmission to oust it.
Now, I’m no mechanic, so I didn’t understand the mechanical aspects of everything those talented men had to do. But I did understand the bill.
Really well, in fact. It had a three, a one, a zero, another zero, and some change. If you’re still with me on the math, that little rat cost me $3,100. Not that I was ever a lover of rats to start with, but I really don’t like them now, because they hit me where it hurts—in the pocketbook.
One little rat had added up to one gigantic problem, because it short-circuited my car’s transmission.
I’m no electrician either, but I do know that crossed wires create a short, and that red and black wires are different and need to be separated. A simple short can take a whole building down; it can knock out an entire neighborhood’s power.
So it is with your powerful child. One powerful kid can add up to a gigantic problem, because that child creates shorts that impact your entire family’s transmission.
You know what I mean. You have your feet up on the couch one night, anticipating a peaceful evening. Then your powerful child turns your living room into a war zone with one look or comment.
If you think of which child in your family has the ability to do that, in an instant you’ve identified your powerful child. Every family has one, but it’s not always who you think.
Power comes in different packages, but they all add up to the same thing—manipulating and controlling you. And those kids are masters at it.
The Loud, Aggressive Manipulator
There’s no doubt this kid is powerful. You can’t miss him—he’s loud, obnoxious, and aggressive. He’s the one who loudly proclaims any need or desire and ramps up his request with any vocal method possible until his request is met. He’s the one who won’t let you have a single phone conversation without an interruption. He’s also the one who’s most likely to become a bully on the school playground because he likes to boss people around.
Ryan was a loud kid from the instant he was laid on his mother’s chest. He cried loudly as an infant, and he was aggressive as a 3-year-old toward his baby brother. He wanted no part of this new package delivered to their home, so he ramped up his powerful behavior. When he was 9, a teacher caught him running down the block after he threw a rock through the front window of her home, and she marched him to his home. When asked why he did it, Ryan proclaimed, “Because I felt like it.”
The Temperamental Manipulator
We’ve all seen them. The 2-year-old screaming in his stroller at the mall because his father won’t stop at the play area. The 3-year-old who pitches a fit at the grocery store when his mom won’t buy him the candy he wants. The 5-year-old who doesn’t want to leave the Y, so he launches a full throwing-himself-on-the-ground fit at the poolside, in full view of the entire Y’s occupants.
If your kid is throwing temper tantrums at ages 2, 3, and 5, he’s still going to be throwing them at age 8 unless you do something about it. He’ll also be throwing them at age 17, only they’ll look a little different. He’s going to be calling you names you didn’t realize he knew, stealing your money, and borrowing your car without permission.
A distraught mom wrote me last week. “I don’t understand,” she said. “I’ve always given Sandra everything she could ever want. You’d think she could show a little appreciation. But when I give her one thing, she always wants more.” Moms, you in particular are often compassionate people who want everybody to feel good. You want to please your child and make her path in life smooth. But if you do so, you’re actually hurting her by cushioning her from reality and the consequences of her choices. How many friends will she keep if she’s considered a temperamental witch by her peers? If she’s an unpredictable person who could turn on anyone at any minute and demand that others do things for her?
Kids get powerful early, and they will become harder to deal with if they’re allowed to progress in their behavior. That’s why there’s no better time than the present to change your strategy.
The Curveball Manipulator
This is the late-bloomer child who seems to go from manatee to werewolf overnight. She’s always been a mellow, easygoing, cooperative kid who adheres nicely to the parental program. Then hormones ignite a personality you didn’t know existed. But don’t let go of your parental control at this point; it’s too critical for your sake and your child’s. She needs to be dealt with immediately. You need a game plan. (For additional help on your specific issues, consult my book Have a New Teenager by Friday.)
Adolescence (I define this as ages 11 to 19 years old) and preadolescence (when your daughter has nothing to train but she wants a training bra, and your son is starting to look for hair on his private parts) are a necessary evil in life that kids have to go through. Every child is affected by adolescence differently because of the physiological, psychological, and hormonal changes going on. Hormones can become the spark that ignites a fire, which then explodes. All of a sudden the kid you never thought you’d have a problem with becomes a defiant, rebellious handful.
Ann was a happy-go-lucky child who was known for singing and creating plays for her family. She had the kind of innocent, joyful spirit that made everyone around her smile. Then, at age 10, she got her first period. By age 11, she had become surly, argumentative, and hard to get along with. She cried every day she had to go to school, and when she wasn’t crying, she was screaming at her parents, who were completely floored by this change in their child and didn’t know how to deal with it. As a result, Ann’s behavior continued for two years, until they at last were forced to seek medical and psychological help.
Jared went from a straight-A kid at age 13 to a sloppy, disorganized, not-caring kid who rarely finished his homework at age 14.
Your manatee-to-werewolf transition may not be as abrupt as Ann’s or Jared’s, but I bet anything you’re thinking, God, please make this kid 25 . . . tomorrow.
The curveball manipulator is the kid who leaves his parents scratching their heads at night. He’s hard to figure out because he swings from one extreme to the other and sometimes lands in the middle. One day he might be a real human being. The next day, nothing is ever good enough, life’s unfair, and you’re unfair. He’s high-maintenance and exhausting. If he could be registered on a seismogram, he’d look like an image of Southern California . . . on a bad day.
The Quiet, Shy Manipulator
These children are often not identified as powerful children, but they can be the most powerful of all. They hold all the cards because by their silence, they force you to extract information from them. You don’t know what they’re thinking.
“My son is really shy,” a woman told me when I was in private practice. She apologized because her 6-year-old son wouldn’t come out from behind her to meet me. He had a death grip on the back of her jeans. She’d come to see me because she was concerned about the fact that her child only wanted her and didn’t want to interact with any kids his own age. She’d already held him back a year from starting school and wondered what to do about the next year.
As I talked with the woman, I watched the boy’s behavior. The kid was a master manipulator, and he wasn’t even in kindergarten yet. He had his mama wrapped around his pinkie. He was the one in control. When he decided it was time to go, he tugged on his mom’s behind.
She said automatically, “Oh, he wants to go.”
I stopped her. “But is that what you want? Didn’t you come here to find a solution to what’s happening with your son?”
She looked confused, as if she’d never thought of her own needs. “Well, he gets antsy if I talk too long.”
I looked her straight in the eye. “I wasn’t asking about him; I was asking about you. You say your son is shy, but he’s using that shyness to control you, your schedule, and your behavior.”
Her jaw dropped.
You see, at 6 years old, that boy had his mother figured out, and she was falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Of course he didn’t want to interact with anyone else, because his mama did everything for him. She was predictable; he could control her. Easy as pie.
So when I suggested otherwise, he first pulled out the bucket of tears. When that scenario didn’t work, he got angry. I had to put the cajoling mother outside the door in order to even work with the kid.
Children who learn how to be quiet, shy controllers grow up to be quiet, shy controllers.
Like 14-year-old Janelle, who gives her mom the silent treatment every day on the way home from school and then jabbers for five hours on the phone with her friends. But when she wants something from her mom or dad, she can be utterly charming.
Or 21-year-old Richard, who is still jobless because he can’t find the courage to do a job interview and spends the day hanging out in his bedroom in his parents’ basement, playing warfare games on his computer. And what does his mom do? She does his laundry and serves him dinner downstairs so he doesn’t have to interrupt his game.
You think those kids don’t have the upper hand? Indeed, they’re milking their parents for all they’re worth.
The Sensitive, Walk-on-Eggshells Manipulator
Do you walk on eggshells because you want to make sure you don’t upset your “sensitive” son or daughter, because then they’ll create a scene?
Parents get sucked into the “sensitive” child. They tell me, “Oh, Dr. Leman, he’s so sensitive.” They see it as a virtue.
The parent continues. “If I say anything to correct him, he immediately cries and says, ‘I’m no good.’”
Of course the kid does. He’s a master manipulator.
What he wants his mother to say is, “Now, now, honey, Mommy didn’t want that. Forgive me for saying that.” Then he wants her to placate him for doing her parental job—trying to hold him accountable for his actions.
Many parents today just want their kids to be happy. But are you always happy? Is being happy what pays the bills and makes the world go round?
These kids who are “sensitive” are actually very powerful little buzzards. They are tyrants who grow up to be adult tyrants. Think of the marriage where the woman turns on her tears to bring her husband to his knees so he’ll agree with something she wants to do—even when he doesn’t think it’s wise—because he can’t stand to see his wife cry. He never ends up telling her what he thinks, because he walks on eggshells around his “sensitive” wife. Or the reverse—the woman who is married to the “sensitive” man who has to have dinner served at a certain time or his temper explodes.
Where do you think those adults learned their controlling behaviors? In their home when they were growing up.
What is a sensitive child really saying? “I’m going to make you toe the line. You will approach me the way I want to be approached, or I’ll throw a big fit and make you sorry.”
And parents fall for it.
I remember talking to a 5-year-old when I was in private practice. The kid would talk softer and softer until you could hardly hear her. That forced me, as an adult, to sit on the edge of my chair and get closer and closer to the kid to hear what she was going to say. I finally said, “You’re trying to get Dr. Leman on the floor, aren’t you?”
She flashed a grin. “Yeah.”
Kids are manipulative. They know they can make you kowtow to them, so that’s what they do. If you raise your voice or say something your child doesn’t want to hear, what happens? She cries. She throws a temper tantrum, then yells, “You hate me.” And with the flourish of a top actress, she flings herself on the bed and spouts, “You don’t love me!”
But don’t fall for that powerful little sucker who uses her “sensitivity” and that disappointed, forlorn look to get what she wants. She’s workin’ ya.
The Stubborn, Procrastinating Manipulator
This is the child who refuses outright to do what you asked, doesn’t respond, or puts off the task as long as possible, until hopefully you’ll forget you even asked. These kids are annoying and frustrating because you can’t count on them. They’re also high-maintenance because you always have to be on their case about something.
“Is your homework done?”
“Did you take out the garbage?”
You’re always asking because you never know if they have accomplished a task or not. After all, they’ve got to get their homework done, right? And if you miss a garbage pickup, your garage might get rather aromatic.
But if they didn’t accomplish those tasks, what would really happen?
They’d have to come up with a good excuse on their own for failing to do their homework (and teachers aren’t stupid, contrary to their students’ opinion).
One missed garbage pickup isn’t the end of the world. Even better, perhaps a bag or two of it would make a nice addition to your child’s bedroom for the next week. Bet he wouldn’t forget again.
The stubborn kid is saying, “You’re not going to make me do it. I’m in charge here.”
The procrastinating manipulator is saying, “I’m going to do what I want when I want. I’m in charge here.”
Your job is to make sure that what happens next is a losing proposition—for your child.
Power That Serves a Purpose
Chances are, you haven’t said the word purposive today. You probably haven’t said it this week, this month, or even this year. It’s not a word most people use. But it’s an important one for you to know.
Powerful, attention-getting behavior is purposive, meaning it serves a purpose.
All kids are attention-getters. They’re crafted to crave connection and attention. Some will do it by getting good grades in school, pleasing their parents, or being helpful around the house. Others get it by driving you crazy with their antics so that you have to pay attention.
Kids who start off as attention-getters and don’t receive attention in a positive way will then focus on getting it in a negative way. Take me, for example. I had a perfect older sister and a big brother I thought was close to perfect. I was the little cub who couldn’t measure up. So instead of excelling in school like them, I became the class clown. Sure, I got attention—lots of it—but it was the negative kind, where people shook their heads and muttered under their breath, “Poor May Leman. To have a kid like that . . .”
Notice that whether the attention is positive or negative, it’s still attention. But if the kid continues to feel discouraged about a lack of attention and thinks, This isn’t the way life should be, he will become even more powerful. The older your kid becomes, the higher the ability he has to make you pay attention to him.
Kids are perceptive, even at an early age. They size up the social milieu they’re growing up in. If a parent is antsy and picks up an infant at her first whimper, what will the kid end up doing? Get behind that infant’s eyes for a minute. Would you rather lie by yourself or be rocked on your mom’s hip? Be next to those sterile, cool sheets in your crib or nestled between those nice, cozy, warm pillows, close to your mom’s heart?
If you parents overreact to something simple, like the elimination of bodily fluids and wastes, a powerful kid says to himself, My parents are sure big on this, aren’t they? The smart kid will use that as an edge. It’s no wonder so many parents wrestle through the potty-training phase. Does someone give you juice and a cookie every time you go poop? Then you shouldn’t give that to your son or daughter either.
Through trial and error, if you reward a behavior long enough, it becomes ingrained behavior. Psychologists call it operant conditioning.
Kids learn to be powerful. Why? Because that power serves a purpose. It keeps the child moving forward. It builds a case: I’m more important than anyone else in this family. It reinforces the child’s power grid. It puts him in the offense seat—it clarifies his reasoning that the best defense is a good offense. So the kid is always on the offensive. Purposive behavior makes your child feel like he’s in control; he’s the boss, with everybody else at his beck and call.
When your powerful kid is misbehaving, whether quietly or loudly, he has a goal in mind that serves his purpose. Guess who taught him the ropes? You. Yes, you. That powerful child has been watching you.
Think of Yourself as a Circuit Breaker
Remember the little desert rat that caused the expensive repair of my Audi? Just because it caused a short in the transmission wires?
To state it bluntly, you’ve got your own little rat to deal with, and you need to be the mechanic who not only fixes the short in the wires but also acts as the circuit breaker. Your child’s power surge will only continue if she has easy access to the power source. You, parent, are that power source. And your kid knows how to push your buttons to gain your attention and at least some kind of control over her own life.
After all, you’re the one who makes all the decisions for the kid. Or at least she thinks you do. That means you hold the power.
One woman told me, “No matter what I say to my son and daughter, they battle me on it. They always have to have the last word. It’s so exasperating.”
Perhaps they always have to have the last word because you have to have the first word. Ever think of it that way? That puts those daily battles with your child in a whole new light, now doesn’t it?
Why would a kid still whine at age 10? Or throw temper tantrums at age 13? Because those behaviors have paid off.
Power comes in different packages, but they all hold something in common. Kids act the way they do because it works.
But we’re going to change all that. Just wait and see.
Powerful Ideas That Work
Sally’s a kind, honest kid who always does the right thing. At least I thought so until a week after her sixteenth birthday, when I got a phone call from the cops that she’d been caught breaking into someone’s house.
I beat myself up. You’re such a bad mom. You must have done something wrong, or she wouldn’t be like this. Then I decided I had to get tough and stay tough. I did what you suggested. I arranged with the police to let her stay in jail for a few hours before I came to the station to pay her fine. I took away her driving privileges since she’d used them wrongly. I drove her to court, but I didn’t sit with her. I sat at the back of the room and let her be the one to answer to the judge for her actions. Facing the consequences and stressing out about what would happen to her when she faced the judge was a reality check she needed.
Kara, Texas
Power Points