This powerful child is easy to spot—you can hear him from across the yard. So can your elderly neighbors.
Brent is the most obnoxious kid in his entire fifth-grade class. He was also the most obnoxious kid in his second-grade, third-grade, and fourth-grade classes. All that to say Brent hasn’t changed much over the years. He’s the youngest of four stair-step boys, and it’s clear he doesn’t get any attention at home, so he goes overboard in seeking it—negatively—at school. He has to be the first one to the door of the classroom when the bell rings, so he’ll knock other kids out of the way to slide there first. He makes nasty comments to those who are of a different race than he is and has earned three forced vacations from school as a result. If he doesn’t agree with something another kid says, he gets right in that kid’s face—I’m talking an inch away—and loudly proclaims his opinion. During math class, he interrupts other students and starts to debate them. When the teacher tells him he can’t interrupt and begins to explain that his reasoning is incorrect, he interrupts her and tells her that he knows better.
Is it surprising that the instant Brent opens his mouth, his classmates roll their eyes? Or that teachers start to get a little red-faced and discuss the next “Brent saga” in the teachers’ lounge over lunch? Or that next year’s math teacher has already decided to retire early so she won’t have him as a student?
Yet his mother went to the principal, wringing her hands, and complained, “My son doesn’t have any friends. He’s so unhappy.”
Oh, really? And who would want to be friends with that kind of a kid?
Mama Bear is defending her cub when what her cub needs is a wake-up call, a cold dose of reality about his behavior toward others. What she needs is to spend time with her annoying little cub, instead of shopping 24-7 to get away from all the boisterous cubs in her den.
Then there’s Sadie, who’s as temperamental as they come. Her feelings are always hurt . . . or on the way to being hurt. Her whine can be heard across three tables in the lunchroom. She’s quick to drum up tears for sympathy. Her conversation is all about herself. She’s always talking about her older sister and what a pain in the neck her little brother is. Her language is very babyish for a 12-year-old. It’s no wonder that she changes from friend group to friend group. Other kids can only take her in small doses.
And there’s Casey—the good kid gone bad. At least that’s what his aunt says. From an A− or B+ student who helped out his grandma after school at age 13, to a smokin’, drinkin’, cussin’ tough guy who got caught setting a fire behind a local business at age 15. He’s running with a completely different crowd—one his parents don’t approve of at all. They can’t figure out where they went wrong, and they feel helpless to rein Casey in. It’s never entered their minds that he can’t legally drive alone in their state yet, and that they have the almighty parental power concerning whether he uses their vehicle or not. When you can’t get somewhere, it’s hard to get into the kind of trouble he’s getting into.
The loud, aggressive, temperamental, curveball manipulators are the easiest of all powerful kids to spot. That’s because they are loud, aggressive, and temperamental and throw you huge curveballs. But they’re probably the most insecure of all the power-driven kids, which is why they’re trying so hard. They fear they’ll be lost in the shuffle—at school or at home—if they’re not always recognized. They are attention-seeking junkies, to put it mildly.
Like 9-year-old Noah, who has to be the leader of his group. If anyone even suggests the group plays something other than their usual activity, he first tries to strong-arm the other kid. If that doesn’t work, he goes off and sulks. And if that doesn’t work, he incites a fight so he can get the playground monitor involved and ruin everyone’s playtime.
When powerful kids don’t get what they want, they ramp it up to the next level.
All they’re doing is playing you.
The Loud and Aggressive Kid
“You can’t make me do it!”
“He deserved it, so I hit him back!”
“Like you’re perfect!”
All of these are cookie-cutter statements that a loud, aggressive, attention-seeking, powerful child would say. Often they will be followed by some body poses and hand gestures that you might not find appropriate.
These kids love to argue, and they’ll look for a fight. But don’t give it to them. If you cave in and fight back, you’re giving them exactly what they want—a good duel. To ensure they’ll get one next time, they’ll up the ante.
To these kids, it doesn’t matter who is around and sees their behavior. They’re not embarrassed if Aunt Millie sees them arguing with you, or even if the old lady across the street does. They’re in the fight for the moment—and to win. They’re in control. Look at me, they’re thinking. I’m throwing Mom’s whole world upside down right now. Now that’s power.
How do you know if you have a powerful kid? Check your own reaction to his behavior: “You can’t do that to me,” you spout. “I’m your mother.” Then the stomach acids start churning, and you have to dig for the Rolaids.
If your kid’s behavior provokes that kind of emotional response—and it ain’t pretty—that’s a good indicator your kid has developed some power. If you powerfully up the ante in your response, your child takes it as a challenge to top your play. Thus begins the power struggle, with neither side winning and your relationship suffering.
Chances are, in any fight, you’re going to lose. That’s because you have far more to lose than he does. You care what Aunt Millie thinks; he couldn’t give a rat’s tail what she thinks. All he knows is that she gives him lame hand-knitted scarves every Christmas.
And after all, since he’s a kid (unless he’s old enough to look like a man), people will give him a pass. They’ll shake their heads at his behavior and say, “Oh, boys can be so raucous.” They’ll give him the eagle eye for a second, thinking, What is wrong with that kid?
But trust me, they’ll take a longer look at you, parent, and here’s what they’ll think: What is wrong with that parent? To raise an obnoxious kid like that?
So here’s what you do. You look at the other people in the room or the mall and say, “Well, some people’s children,” and you step over the tantrum-throwing youngster or walk away from the yelling teenager.
A loud and aggressive kid will go to great lengths to show you how powerful he is. That’s why you need to step over the kid psychologically and not let him get to you. If your child starts shouting something inappropriate, you might calmly say, “I’m sure that’s the way you see it, but I don’t see it that way at all.” And you disengage from the conversation.
Kids who throw tantrums (whether physical or verbal ones) are usually angry and frustrated. That’s because many of these kids are perfectionists. When life doesn’t go well or the way they want it to go, or they make a mistake, or someone doesn’t do exactly what they expected, they fall apart.
In their minds, it’s a terrible thing to make a mistake.
Many of these kids have grown up in homes where, when a drink spilled or a cup broke, it was a big deal. There was a verbal lashing for carelessness, a berating about things that cost money, and a putting down for the kid being such a putz. That’s because with a perfectionistic kid, there’s usually also at least one perfectionistic parent around.
That’s why you, parent, can make such a big difference. Things won’t always go as planned. Cups will break. Drinks will spill. It’s not the end of the world. You get a rag, dustpan, and broom, and life goes on. There’s no need for a berating. The way you respond even to the little things in life has everything to do with how your child will respond.
What you can do
The Temperamental Kid
A 10-year-old doesn’t still whine unless it works to serve her purposes, does she?
The temperamental kid is unpredictable, except for the fact that she’s predictably mercurial. Anything can set her off. She’s a woe-is-me, everything-is-against-me kind of person, and the mood swings aren’t only due to pubescent or adolescent hormones. They’re a learned behavior.
Kids who are allowed to get away with temperamental behavior become adults who manipulate and control others through temper tantrums. They are immature people who will look like complete fools to the rest of the adult population, making a spectacle of themselves. They are self-absorbed and hedonistic because they are coddled too much by parents who want to smooth their paths in life.
If your kid says, “I’m no good” or “I didn’t do a good job,” you say, “Why, honey, that’s not true. You did a great job.” Or if your kid flings at you, “You don’t love me!” you (especially moms) go out of your way to try to make things better: “Of course I love you. What would make you think I don’t love you?” And the parental hand-wringing begins.
But those answers only validate the attention-seeking, powerful personality of your child. Instead, say, “Wow, I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t think that’s true, but if you want to believe that, it’s your right.” I can guarantee you will get a surprised quirk of the eyebrows, because your kid will be trying to figure you out. That’s because you didn’t fall for “the plan” to coddle her and talk her out of her temperamental hissy fit.
When she says, “I don’t feel like going,” you say firmly, “There are times in life when I don’t feel like going where you want me to take you either, but I still go.”
When he complains, “That teacher drives me crazy. He assigns too much homework, and I can’t get it all done,” and then gives you the pout, hoping you’ll help out, what should you say?
“You won’t always like every teacher, but they’re put on this earth to help you learn. And you’re not the only one in the class who got the homework, are you?” Then turn your back and walk away. After all, whose homework is it?
Little things set off the temperamental kid. When he’s distressed about something that isn’t perfect, the best way to handle it is to say, “I know that’s a big thing to you. But I gotta tell you, it’s not to me. I think it looks great, but I know you don’t. You can continue to think that if you wish, but I believe it’s fine.” Such an approach diminishes the probability of the temperamental kid going into high gear.
But if you respond the traditional way, piling on the praise—“Now, why do you say that? That’s a really good model airplane”—you’ll only gain the “No, it’s not!” vehement statement, a slammed door, and tears. That’s because the kid knows you don’t understand, and he’ll get himself all worked up. If he thinks it’s bad, you telling him it’s good won’t accomplish any purpose.
What you can do
One of the biggest responsibilities of a parent is to be that circuit breaker that controls all the power surges in the family. If you overreact (this is especially true of firstborns), your child will overreact. Little things that happen will become big things.
For you parents of young children, you have to know about a natural phenomenon: when kids get overtired, they’re more likely to have a meltdown. I call it “the point of no return.” Once you get to that point, you could be Sigmund Freud and Alfred Adler combined and have mastered every Kevin Leman book there is, but the kid won’t wind down or calm down until he cries himself to sleep.
Some kids go with the flow. Others are like clockwork. If they don’t get sleep, they’re miserable, loud tyrants.
So if you agreed to have dinner at a friend’s house an hour past your young child’s bedtime, you’re asking for a major fuss. You’ll not only pay for it that night but the next day too—with a grouchy kid. But there’s a great solution. It’s called a babysitter.
For you parents of teenagers, let me give you a helpful suggestion. If you know of things that will upset your son or daughter, you see them coming, and you have a way of preventing them from happening without your teenager’s knowledge, then do it. For example, let’s say you have a fastidious teenage daughter who always lays out her school clothes for the next day on the chair in her bedroom. You notice that the cat has sneaked into her room while she’s off rehearsing for a school play. You know she won’t get home until after 10:30 p.m., and then she’ll see all that cat hair on her sweater and flip out. So you, smart parent, get one of those sticky roller contraptions out of the drawer, and in 20 seconds the roller is full of cat hair and the sweater has none. Then you make sure that Bessie the cat is safely locked out of that bedroom.
Is that coddling your child? No, that’s called grace and putting out fires before they start. But you don’t do that all the time. Everybody needs a few road bumps in life to fine-tune their personality and to give them empathy for others.
The Curveball Kid
This kid really throws you for a loop. One minute it seems she’s an agreeable kid, and the next you don’t even recognize her as your child. There’s no way to predict her behavior since she catches you completely off guard. One of life’s unexplainable mysteries—poignantly painful to parents—is a child who goes along with the parental program with a smile on her face and seems to get along with everyone. Then, almost overnight, you begin to see signs that your child isn’t who you thought she was.
Curveball kids can make swift downward spirals. That’s why I urge parents to pay close attention to several things. First, sudden shifts—falling grades, a major personality change—are often the result of drug or alcohol use. Insist that your child get a drug test. If she is using drugs or alcohol, it’s better for you to know sooner than later. If she isn’t, just making her go in for the test—with you accompanying her—may provide the needed wake-up call that you are noticing her behavior. Second, use the history button on your child’s computer to see what sites she’s accessed recently. And third, check out her emails and her text messages. She may scream that doing so is a violation of her privacy, but she still lives under your roof, and your role as a parent is to get to the bottom of the situation.
With a curveball kid, what you’re facing at this moment will only be the start of what you will face if you don’t handle that child right now. The turning point for many curveball kids is how the parents respond when they get that phone call from the principal, the police station, or any other authority figure.
When you do get that call (and you will, with curveball kids), the best thing you can do is remain calm. Speak straightforwardly to your child and put the responsibility for the action in her court: “I feel bad about this situation. Why you did it and how you did it are going to be between you and the juvenile judge. I don’t need to know all the details. But obviously I’m disappointed to know you got yourself in this situation. If I can help you in any way, I’d like to. But I’m not sure how I could, since I’m not the owner of that bag of meth and I wasn’t caught snorting it.”
It’s a little reality therapy to throw your kid’s way. What you’re saying is that, on one hand, you feel bad for her. On the other hand, you sure hope she can work this out.
You continue. “Apparently you have to be in front of the judge on February 16. I have no idea what you’re going to tell him. If I were 14, I think that would throw me for a loop. I’m sure you’ll think of something. I’m just sorry you got yourself into this situation.”
Then end the conversation, keeping the responsibility with your child.
If there’s ever a teachable moment for your child, it will be when she stands in front of that judge—alone.
But many parents will never let it go that far. They will spend $8,000 on a lawyer who will get the charges dropped or swept under the rug. Parents don’t want the indigestion, the negative PR, or the embarrassment.
However, let me guarantee you, it will only get worse the next time if you rescue your child this time.
Letting the judge’s verdict be the reality discipline is your best option. He’ll clearly explain what the unacceptable behavior is and why it’s unacceptable, grill her as to why she made that choice, talk about what would be a better choice, and then sternly give the consequences not only of that event but of any further similar events. I don’t know a first-time offender on the planet who hasn’t stood with shaking knees before a judge.
What you can do
Powerful Ideas That Work
When Shelli entered her junior year of high school, she fell in with a different crowd. All of a sudden she had to be cool. Her clothes changed to sexy ones, and she started to get sassy. Then one day she got into a fistfight with another girl and a cop escorted her home.
That night I went online and read some of your blogs about discipline. I decided to give her what you call “the bread-and-water treatment.” A roof over her head and food to eat, but no spending money, no activities other than school. I drove her straight to school every day and picked her up five minutes after school was out.
It was three months of pure you-know-what for me (I’m a single mom) until she came around. I lost some work clients because of my new schedule, and things got tight financially. We’re now on a baked potato and PB&J diet for a while, but my old Shelli is back. The sacrifice was worth it.
P.S. Funny how those popular friends disappeared when the cops showed up. That was a shocking lesson Shelli will never forget either.
Madeline, New York
Power Points