This child has a powerful MO and a very good rationale for it.
Eleven-year-old Jason is a stereotypical procrastinator. When his dad asks him to clean the garage, he looks up from his computer screen and says, “Yeah, sure, Dad.” But he never does it.
When his mom tells him, “Make sure all your laundry is downstairs. I’m doing laundry today,” he says, “Uh-huh.” But he never does it.
Sixteen-year-old Sharon always has to be right. Even if she doesn’t know anything about the subject. She stubbornly holds the line on anything she believes is her right. And she refuses to do anything she absolutely doesn’t have to do.
Both of these kids have very powerful motives of operation, and right now they’re in control.
The Stubborn Kid
When you have a stubborn kid in the family, you have a stubborn adult. Powerful kids have at least one powerful parent somewhere in the mix. Stubbornness begets stubbornness. For example, in our family, my wife, Sande, is the stubborn one. She doesn’t seem to be stubborn, but she is. She’d admit to it too. Our daughter Hannah got her stubborn traits from her mother. They’re both as sweet as you can imagine, but you can’t win a logical argument with either of them—ever.
You don’t ever do battle with a stubborn kid. You don’t try to prove them wrong. You don’t try to win. If you play the parental card of an authoritarian, trying to prove that it’s your right as a parent to call the shots, you’re only looking for trouble.
Kids who are stubborn have a high need to be right. So no matter what you tell them, you’ll get resistance—that push-back that says, “Hey, I know better than you.”
What doesn’t work
What you can do
How does this work? Let’s say you see the weather report and know that it’s going to be nearly freezing by 1:00 p.m. Your junior high daughter hates to wear a coat—it’s not “cool.” You know if you say anything, she’ll give you the eye roll and the “I’ll be fine, Mom,” and be out the door, coatless. Demanding she wear her coat because it’ll be cold only ensures she’ll go out of her way not to wear one.
So you strategize in advance how to lower her defenses.
When she whips down the stairs to grab her usual bagel out of the toaster on her way out the door, you say something simple like, “Oh, Andrea, I might be wrong on this, but I thought the weatherman said it was going to be really cold by 1:00 today.”
Instead of being an invitation to stubbornness, your words put the ball in your daughter’s court. If you’re not pressuring her, chances are good that she might grab that jacket on the way out the door. After all, you’ve raised a smart daughter with common sense. She merely sidesteps it when she doesn’t want you to win.
Don’t look for trouble. Meeting stubborn with stubborn only leads to chaos.
Even when your kid says something stupid, don’t provoke a fight by trying to play your parental trump card. Just say calmly, “You probably know best, honey.” He’ll discover soon enough if he’s wrong. You don’t have to point out the possibility.
Most parents act like Don Quixote, charging at windmills—with the same result.
Give up your need to be right in order to have a relationship that will last a lifetime with your child.
The Procrastinator
Some kids are naturally poky. They get dressed slowly, they take 20-minute showers, they take four hours to do two hours’ worth of homework, and they’re the last person to leave the dinner table. They simply dawdle.
Other kids are naturally high-strung. They get their homework done in study hall or as soon as they get home. They’re way ahead of the game and always worried about the next thing, whatever that thing is.
It should be obvious, but in the fracas of parenting, sometimes we forget. Kids are different. One isn’t necessarily better than the other—just different. That’s why your approach has to be different for each child. There’s no such thing as doing things equally for your kids. There’s only equal love for each of them.
So is your kid naturally poky, or does he have an agenda? If you have a kid who’s a procrastinator, there is certainly a yellow flag and probably a red flag that at least one of his parents has a critical eye. Of all the variables that affect personality and birth order, a critical-eyed parent can be one of the most destructive. If you want your kid to stop procrastinating, take a good look at yourself and your spouse (if you’re married) or your ex (if you’re divorced).
Who is the critical parent? The one who knows exactly how life should be? Who can look at a set of numbers and immediately know which one is wrong? Who will notice that a framed picture isn’t hanging perfectly straight?
You know who you are, parent. Your expectations for your kid are so high and pressured that he’s formed a defense mechanism—procrastination.
This is your child’s way of protecting himself from your critical words. He’s thinking, If I don’t finish this task, how can I be evaluated? It’s not done yet. So I can’t fail.
Let’s go back to Jason, from the beginning of this chapter, whose dad told him to clean the garage and he never did. When his dad ragged on him about it, he said, “Well, I started, and I’ll finish it tomorrow.”
It’s a lie he’s telling himself. He’s going to make his dad push him—and at great cost to Jason, his dad, and their relationship. His dad might as well save the effort and take the pressure off everybody by cleaning the garage himself, because it’s never going to happen otherwise.
That’s because Jason knows that no matter how well he does, his dad is going to “should” on him. He’s going to tell Jason 10 different ways he should have improved on the job if he even dares to start it.
That’s why your child procrastinates. He’s his own worst enemy. He’ll never accomplish anything if he’s afraid of criticism. He’ll never try if he’s afraid of failing.
That’s also why he appears discouraged—because he is. He thinks he can’t live up to expectations—either his own or others’, and most especially yours. If he doesn’t try anything, he won’t be held responsible for anything. So he spins his wheels and wastes time. He never invests his best efforts, because avoidance is better than facing the possibility of criticism or failure.
Let me ask you: Who is the organ grinder and who is the monkey?
Your child is great at getting around the rules. All he has to do is plead innocence or ignorance. Even though he doesn’t seem to be disrespectful, he’s actually being very disrespectful of the family’s rules. But he does it in such a quiet way that you don’t pick up on how powerful he is.
Problem is, if he’s supposed to do something around the house, he’ll make all sorts of promises. “Okay, Mom, I’ll do it.” Yet that task never gets done. Your kid gives you a lot of lip service, holding you at bay.
But the bottom line is that he still does what he wants to do.
What you can do
Praise focuses on the child himself: “Oh, you’re the best kid in the world! You washed the kitchen floor and took the garbage out.” Or “What a great kid. You took your sister to her sporting event.” But is that really what you want to imply? Your kid isn’t dumb. He knows you’re lying. He’s not the best kid in the world. There’s a whole lineup in front of him.
Wouldn’t you rather realistically encourage your kid by saying, “Wow, the room looks nice. Thanks for all your hard work.” Or “Your concert was tremendous. I know you were worried about hitting that high note, but all that practice you did last week paid off. You have to feel really great about your performance.” Notice that the comments focus on the work, not the person. That’s the difference between praise and encouragement.
So be matter-of-fact. Thank your child for their effort.
Become the “Guard All”
Years ago there was a television ad for Gardol—an ingredient in Colgate toothpaste that kept plaque and other bad things away from your teeth. It featured a guy on a stage driving golf balls into a clear Plexiglas screen, and they bounced right off that screen.
Your kids, too, need a Gardol—some established limits that you put on family activities and pressures to guard against the frustration of overextending yourself and your kids to please others.
Just because the local dance school thinks your child is so talented that she should be in all five performances this year, does it mean she should be?
As soon as you receive the news, you call your sister and your best friend and the head of the PTA and say, “You’re not going to believe this, but the top dance academy just called, and they want Shayla to be in all five concerts. Can you imagine? I’m so pleased.”
And what do most parents say, especially moms? “Oh, that’s wonderful!”
Parents tend to get sucked into the “my kid has to be the best” philosophy. And it’s as addictive as crack cocaine. What parent doesn’t want the chance to rave about Little Schnooky? But is all that activity really good for Little Schnooky—and for Mom and Dad?
You need to become the Gardol—the one who watches the demands and expectations on your children and who is respectful of their time. Many stubborn and procrastinating kids may simply be overscheduled. They need downtime, and they know the only way to get it is just not to do something. So they actively procrastinate.
If you’re going to protect your little cub from the onslaught of opportunities, you need to develop what I call “no power.” Over the years, we’ve had black power, brown power, and green power (which I call “economic power”), but women especially need to develop the no power to be able to say in a healthy way, “No, we’re not going to be doing that this year.”
Don’t guilt yourself into stacking the family schedule.
Don’t be overly impressed with your own children or their abilities.
Don’t be overly saturated with programs and activities. My rule is one activity per child per semester.
Instead, pay attention to your kid’s heart.
Powerful Ideas That Work
Like father, like son. My 17-year-old son, Bryan, is as stubborn as my ex. Anytime I ask him to help out around the house, I get the brush-off. Or the “I’m busy right now. I’ll do it later” thing. But he could spend all day working on the old car his dad helped him buy.
Then one day I heard you talk about stubborn, procrastinating kids. I put my plan into action. I didn’t ask Bryan for anything for a whole week, and I didn’t do anything for him either. By the end of the week, his laundry was piled up, and there were no leftovers in the fridge to grab. He was looking a little puzzled. He came in while I was making a salad for myself and said, “Uh, Mom, do you need help with anything?” I almost laughed out loud. Your suggestions really work.
P.S. Bryan found out he could cook. And yesterday he even took my car in to have the oil changed, without me asking. Blow me down. . . .
Janice, New Mexico
Power Points