Check out the personalities in the nursery, and you can predict what each kid will be like in 5, 10, 15 years.
When our firstborn, Holly, was 18 months old, we took a trip to Laguna Beach, California. Sande and I were excited to enlarge her world with her first experience at the beach—all that sand and the rolling waves to play in, with seashells to hunt. But after Holly’s first tentative touch on the ground, she discerned that sand stuck to her fingers and insisted it be removed. Sande dutifully wiped Holly’s hands clean. Our firstborn quirked a brow and pointed to the two remaining grains of sand on her hand. And her look said, “Uh, what exactly do I do with this stuff?”
At less than 2 years old, Holly was already forming her personality, which would have a lot to do with the direction her life would go. She was the kind of kid who liked all her ducks in a precise row. She was also good at managing others—whether her siblings wanted to be managed or not—and at multitasking, something I’m still to this day trying to accomplish.
Everyone is born with a unique temperament and personality. That’s why I love observing babies in nurseries. If you watch for a few minutes, you’ll see the personalities start to emerge. You can actually predict what that kid will be like in 5 years, 10 years, even 15 years. All kinds of studies have been done by researchers who look at babies in cribs in hospital nurseries and make predictions based on the kids’ behaviors and demeanors.
But it doesn’t take a researcher to point out the obvious.
Some babies lie there quietly, casually taking in the room and its occupants. They’re not bothered by the other crying babies. They seem to take things in stride.
Other babies are high-strung, crying and flinching at every noise. For them, getting out of the nursery and to a quiet place will be a dream come true. They’re the ones who will need massages in their adult careers to keep their stress level down.
Some babies are already trying to smile (or is that gas?). They’re waving their little arms as if to say, “Look at me! I’ve got lots of antics up my sleeve, and as soon as I get out of this little crib thing, I can’t wait to try them!”
Yet other babies already look powerful. Their eyes and body language say, “Hey, world, I’m ready to take you on . . . and don’t think I won’t do it.” These ones will emerge as the leaders (and yes, sometimes as the bullies).
And so on and so on.
If you don’t believe me, check out a nursery for yourself for fun and do some guesstimating of your own.
Better yet, sneak a peek into your own living room at the critters living with you. Those kids of yours were born with a certain genetic makeup, with a particular personality or temperament. And they still carry that makeup, don’t they?
Your 16-year-old son shot out of the womb as high-strung and still is that way. He’s currently teaching himself electric guitar (yes, in your living room) and simultaneously doing his homework. But you don’t worry, because he’s always been a straight-A student.
Your 12-year-old daughter was the baby who seemed to lay back and take everything in, especially the actions of her big brother. But she thrived in playtimes with friends as the leveler of the group. When other little kids got into fights, she calmed everybody down. Now that she has a cell phone, she’s currently texting her friends with the skill of a mad woodpecker and occasionally glances at her homework.
Your 9-year-old son slid right out of that birth canal, and that’s exactly what he does through life—slide. Things were easy for him since his older brother and sister treated him like a pet and did everything for him. One little pout and big sis was there to the rescue. When you were about to be annoyed with him, he would beam his baby blues at you and smile, and your irritation would disappear—like right now, when you were about to chide him for littering chips and beef jerky remainders all over your newly vacuumed living room floor. And homework? He’s forgotten he even had any.
How Much Is Genes?
If you have birthed your children, each most likely has some physical characteristic that looks like you. Your blue eyes, your dark hair, that prominent nose you hated as a teenager, your recessive-gene toes.
In this day of genetic engineering (certainly a debatable, contestable area of science), we’ve all heard stories about people who want to make sure their kids have very high intelligence from birth.
Let’s face it. You have to credit that some of the things you become in life are part of your genetic makeup. For instance, how tall or short you are and the color of your hair, eyes, and skin. Whether you tend to be slender, like my lovely wife, or a bit on the pudgy side, like me. Or whether you tend to be like a manatee or a caged badger in personality. Some people tend to take any stress in stride; others come out swinging.
Genes do determine specific aspects of who we are. For example, if you have a child who has lower intelligence than average, it’s not likely he’ll become a professor. And medical science has proven that those born to alcoholic parents have certain predispositions to alcohol, and if they start using it themselves, they can quickly become addicted to it.
So basic built-in genes do provide certain givens in our lives. They may define how we look, unless we choose colored contacts, plastic surgery, or lipo, or get a sex change.
But I am a firm believer that genes do not have to define us.
Here’s what I mean. Let’s say your little Festus, at 3, looks exactly like his uncle Harold. He even acts like him sometimes—totally undisciplined. But just because Festus looks and acts a little like his renegade uncle, does that mean he’s destined to become his uncle?
Think about the movie Superman for a moment. Clark Kent is raised by his adoptive parents and can barely remember his biological parents, except for brief flashes. He has no idea of his genetic makeup until it’s revealed to him and he’s called upon to use it. Instead of being bound by it, he uses it to change the courses of rivers and bend steel with his bare hands to help people.
You can be the Superman or Superwoman in your family by thinking things through and using the techniques in this book to curb your child’s voracious appetite for attention and power.
Allow me to get on my high horse for a minute. As a practicing counseling psychologist, I became sick at heart by the labels that popped up to excuse all sorts of behaviors. “Well, Dr. Leman,” a mom told me, “he can’t help it. He’s ADHD. That’s why he doesn’t have friends.” We have tolerated all kinds of behaviors and issues as acceptable, merely because they have a label. We as a society no longer expect the best of people. Instead of accepting labels as excuses for unacceptable behaviors, why not work with the child to counteract those behaviors?
When I dug more deeply with that mom, I discovered that it wasn’t merely the child’s lack of attention that was causing the problems; it was that the boy ruled the roost and had never been taught to be kind to others. So at age 9, he was introduced to the concept of sharing, which he should have been shown as a baby, and saying kind words, which even toddlers learn. And part of his hyperactivity was due to the fact that he was desperately doing crazy things to get attention because he craved friends so badly. Within a year of working on these behaviors, we worked past the label that had been so easily slapped on him. His grades rose and he gained two good friends. Today that boy is the manager of three restaurants in a chain and well thought of by his staff.
Why are you allowing your child to be defined by labels?
We’ve all seen examples of people who have overcome challenging starts in life to become strong finishers. Take Jackie Joyner-Kersee, six-time Olympic medalist. She was born into a very poor family and had severe asthma, and she and her brother often ate bread-and-mayonnaise sandwiches, because that was the only thing they had to eat. But she had great determination, willpower, and parents who believed in her and told her to follow her dreams. After her Olympic career ended, Jackie continued to make a difference in the lives of children and teens in the inner city of Saint Louis and around the globe.
Jackie Joyner-Kersee had a genetic makeup that was predisposed to asthma, yet she became an amazing athlete. She grew up in limiting circumstances but refused to let those limits or the labels of black, poor, or asthmatic define her. She powered on for the gold—and won.
And her parents, who had tremendous influence over her, were there all along the way, believing in her and cheering her on.
“I Know Each One of You Like I Know My Own Smell”
My favorite movie of all time is The Three Amigos. It was made way back in 1986 and only got two stars, but I love it. I could watch it over and over; it’s slapstick comedy at its finest. But, as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, some beg to differ. My beloved wife, Mrs. Uppington, says, and I quote, “That’s the most juvenile movie I’ve ever seen.”
El Guapo, Spanish for “the handsome one,” is anything but. This ugly, tough guy tells his men in a raspy voice, “I know each one of you like I know my own smell.” I love that line so much that I even gave a talk on it once.
As a parent, I know each of my five kids like my own smell. And I hope that you, too, would know your kids that well—well enough to know that what works for one kid won’t work for another. Part of being a parent is realizing that all kids are unique; you can’t treat them the same. One of your kids reads people; the other reads books. One loves sports; one loves music. Offering to take both kids to a raucous county fair might backfire. The one who loves being with people will be in her heyday. The one who loves books will be thinking, Uh, can we go home? I’m on page 112 of a great sci-fi thriller.
Insisting the whole family goes to a local baseball game might thrill your sports lover. But the entire time, the classical music lover will be thinking, Enough with the “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” song.
Doing things as a family together is important. But sometimes it’s a good thing to divvy up the kids and do specific things that they’re genetically programmed to love. Take your book lover to a book fair and give her $20 to spend on a favorite. Accompany your music lover to a symphony concert. Let each child enjoy learning more about their talents and abilities, but also work to spread their horizons so they try new things, especially if they tend to be cautious. Realize that each child will act, react, and communicate differently.
Know each of your children like you know your own smell.
About Special Children
For those of you who have special needs children, you have special children indeed, and they are the salt of the earth. But are you letting the labels define those children and how you view them? Or what you allow them to do? Let me introduce you to some of my special friends and the unique contributions they’re making to the world.
Little Jesse, age 7, has never met a stranger. He’s loving toward everyone he meets. This year he ran with his friends in his community’s first Little Friends marathon (like Special Olympics) to raise money for a new special needs center. There wasn’t a dry eye on that marathon route as 11 special needs children ran together with joy, stopping every so often to hug each other or someone along the route.
Harold, age 19, is the friendliest bagger you’ve ever seen at his local grocery store. People who step into line looking harassed always get a friendly smile and a “You have a great day, now.”
Andrea, age 18, works at a local animal shelter. No one is more patient or loving with the dogs that are brought in, or more careful about making sure their water is fresh and their food dishes are filled.
Don’t ever let a diagnosis—whether Down syndrome, Tourette’s syndrome, Asperger’s syndrome, ADD/ADHD, or anything else—define your child. And don’t let that diagnosis be an excuse for you as a parent to allow inappropriate behavior either. Neither one does your child any favor. But encouraging their talents and unique contributions not only rewards them with positive self-worth but allows them to contribute to more people’s lives than you could ever imagine.
Especially for Adoptive Parents
Mei Mi was part of a group of seventh graders who were asked to draw a family tree for a history project at school. She was stumped and not quite sure what to do. That’s because she was adopted at the age of 6 months from China and then brought to America, her new home. She didn’t know who her birth parents were, so how could she do a family tree?
That night at dinner, she was unusually quiet. When her mom asked her what was wrong, she explained the project. “Mom, I don’t have a family tree,” she said.
Her mom smiled. “I’ve got just the thing.”
And she handed her my book My Adopted Child, There’s No One Like You from her bookshelf.
I know I wrote that book, but I really love it. In the book, Little Bear has to do a family tree assignment and is all down in the dumps because he’s adopted. “I don’t have a family tree,” he tells Mama Bear.
Wise Mama Bear says, “Oh, but honey, you do have a family tree,” and then she proceeds to tell Little Bear the story of what adoption is all about.
It was the inspiration Mei Mi needed to draft one of the best family tree projects her veteran teacher had ever seen!
Adoptive parents, you have been given a great gift—a child from God Almighty to love and care for. You may know some of the child’s genetic background, but other parts of it may come as a surprise down the road, such as allergies or physical or mental predispositions.
Your child may have come from Russia and may have had an alcoholic mother. If so, a smart parent pays attention to that and will do research on the ramifications.
If your child comes from Asia, she may have specific foods she can tolerate and not tolerate. She may be prone to respiratory infections, especially if you live in a colder climate.
Do any research you can to find out about the background of your child and the issues (physical, emotional, and mental) your child may have faced while in his birth parents’ home or in his orphanage or welfare institution. If your child was adopted after toddlerhood, he may have additional fears of abandonment or not being loved for who he is. He may seek attention because he never had it among the crowd at the orphanage and desperately craves it. He may ask over and over about what you’re doing for the day, because he has a need to know—a result of the lack of control and loss of power he faced at the institution.
Being forewarned and aware of your child’s particular needs is always wise. But do not allow any labels to be set upon that child. Yes, she will have genetic influences, but the day-to-day relationship you have with her is far more significant in impacting the direction she will go in life. The two basic psychological needs of all children are the same: the need for belonging and the need for unconditional acceptance.
If You See a Turtle on a Fence Post . . .
There’s a wonderful old adage: “If you see a turtle on a fence post, you know he didn’t get there by himself.” That’s because turtles are not genetically predisposed to fly or to climb up tall, vertical objects (though they show themselves to be tenacious about hefting themselves up on logs, even if it takes hours). No, somebody had to help him along so he could see a view of the world from up there.
In other words, no matter who we are, where we came from, and where we’re going, all of us have key people who helped us get to where we are now. For me, it was first my mother, father, sister, and brother; then a feisty high school teacher who told me I could do something with my life; and then my wife. These were all the people who challenged me to make something of myself and believed that I could do it.
Everybody needs that kind of encouragement.
Are you helping your turtle get on that fence post?
Powerful Ideas That Work
Our daughter, Charlotte, is special indeed. A doctor told my wife that she should abort Charlotte when we discovered she had Down syndrome. But we believe that all God’s children are special and that he had a purpose for her life.
Charlotte’s now 15, and she’s had a lot of challenges to overcome (us too). People haven’t always been kind in how they’ve treated her, but she smiles and hugs everybody anyway. When she turned 14, we decided to get her a cell phone, since she was in a special program that meant she was away from our home for two hours each day after school. We didn’t want her to get lonely. Her 11-year-old brother helped her program our numbers into her phone and added the numbers of her aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.
The next week I got surprise phone calls from many relatives. Charlotte had routinely texted them each morning with a happy, encouraging message. They loved it!
After we read some of your blogs about not letting labels define your kids and also encouraging them to use their specific talents for the good of others, we got an idea. We asked our local church for people who were discouraged and hurting. With their approval, we programmed their numbers into Charlotte’s phone.
The result was astounding. Our Down syndrome child now texts 22 hurting people once a day with an encouraging message. The words may not always be spelled right, but she shares her “happy,” as she calls it, with others in a unique way. And we all get to share in the joyful messages sent back that make us all smile. Like the one that came in today from a woman in the final stages of cancer: “You are the one who continues to care about me every day, even when others have forgotten. You make my heart happy. God bless you, Charlotte.”
Luke, North Carolina
Power Points