How to know the difference and what you can do to successfully maneuver the power surges in your home.
My granddaughter, Adeline, is a determined kid. When she was 6 years old, her school had a fund-raiser where the children ran laps. All grades competed for first prize, and even though Adeline was only in kindergarten, she won! She ran 17 laps—nearly 30 straight minutes of running. Most kids ran one lap and then decided to walk. Not Adeline. She powered ahead with her best effort.
And that’s not the only area in which she shows determination. My wife used to run an antique shop, and she has lots of items from that shop in our garage. When our daughter Krissy was decorating Adeline’s bedroom, Krissy and Sande found a perfect chest of drawers for the room. It was antique and lovely.
Krissy took out all the drawers and managed to haul the dresser single-handedly into the room (it was a heavy piece of furniture). Then she replaced the drawers and filled them up with Adeline’s things.
The next day Krissy called me in the late afternoon, frightened. “Dad, I think there are burglars in the house.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because Adeline’s dresser is out in the hallway.”
Long and short of it, we found out that powerful little Adeline had decided she didn’t like the dresser and had pushed it—by herself—into the hallway.
Krissy was stunned. “I could hardly push it with the drawers out,” she said. So she asked Adeline how she’d gotten the dresser out in the hallway.
Determined little Adeline made a grimace, combined with an “errr,” outstretching her arms to show how she pushed it, bit by bit, until the task was done.
Now there’s a good example of a kid who’s going to become an adult who won’t give up until a task is done, no matter how difficult it is. She has already proved it at a young age.
In fact, she’s far ahead of her ol’ grandpa. I, too, discovered I could do things at a young age. One of the defining moments of my life was when I discovered that I could control classrooms by way of entertainment. I could control people by making other kids laugh. Of course, along the way, I made a lot of teachers very uncomfortable; some even felt threatened and quit after having to teach me. I was a power-driven kid who used humor so others wouldn’t mess with me. (It was better than getting decked by a kid who was dared to knock my lights out.)
As a result, everybody liked me. The students, that is. They were rescued from some otherwise dull droning in the classroom when my antics made the class lively. But I never thought of using my attention-getting and power-driven goals for a positive purpose until a spunky teacher pulled me aside in April of my senior year and said, “Did you ever think you could use those skills you have to do something positive in life?”
I thought, Skills? I’ve got skills? It was the first time a teacher had ever told me I had skills.
It was a turning point in my life.
Is It Power—or Determination?
There’s a big difference between myself and my granddaughter. Adeline is a determined child—the kind of kid who won’t quit until a project is done. She refuses to believe a project can’t be done and figures out ways to accomplish it, even if it seems impossible. And the majority of the time, she does accomplish it. I can’t wait to see what career track she takes. The power behind her is her levelheaded parents, who have given her the positive attention she needs to develop a balanced but determined attitude.
I, on the other hand, failed at getting attention positively, so I sought it negatively. And when I realized how entertaining my antics were and that they were a good way to get attention, I became powerful. I craved the power and control I received when people laughed, and I became the center of attention. I wanted more and more and more of that attention.
When kids are power-driven, it’s like they’re thirsty all the time, and not even all the Gatorade in the world will be enough. They see the Big Mac, fries, and Coke meal, and they want not only the whole thing but even the apple pies to go with it!
The other good way to tell if you have a determined kid or a power-driven one is if your child acts differently in one environment than in another. For instance, does your teenager sass you at home but speak kindly to all other figures of authority? Or do your kids behave at Grandma’s but morph into holy terrors as soon as they set foot in your living room? There’s a big clue right there that something is happening in your relationship.
Hmm, the children are the same. So what is it about your home environment or you as the parental authority that is changing the picture of their behavior? Could it be that two power-driven people in the same household are shorting out the family circuit board?
Taught to Be Powerful
When parents overplay their hand—by overdisciplining a child, by acting out the “I’m your mom/dad. I’m the one in charge here” role—they kick off the goal of power in a child. Whenever there’s a powerful kid, there’s a powerful parent in the home. And two powerful people in one home will always butt heads.
Think about it for a minute. When was the last time you butted heads with your powerful kid? Would you admit you have a stubborn streak as wide as your son’s or daughter’s?
It’s no wonder that child is considering you with narrowed eyes, waiting to leap like a tiger onto prey. Your relationship has become an exercise in whose will is going to win out. Since powerful people have an agenda to control, that means in any relationship, one person is going to be the controller and the other the controllee. So what happens when both want to be the controller? The wires cross and there are sparks zapping all over that circuit board.
When you come head-to-head with your powerful child, what do you usually say—if not aloud, then in your mind? You can’t say that to me (or do that to me), because I’m the parent here. But if you truly are in authority, you’re going to be smarter than that kid. You’re going to choose not to do battle, since fighting would be an act of cooperation to escalate the battle further.
Members of a family innately know each other’s soft spots. They’re like boxers sparring in a practice ring. If you practice sparring with a partner long enough, you get to know his moves. Professional boxers will change sparring partners for that reason.
It takes a mature parent to admit, My son who worries me is a lot like me. But that’s also a smart parent.
Keep in mind that we parents tend to project our unfulfilled dreams and wishes on our kids, so if we see our child going a different direction than what we’ve planned in our heads, it’s a double worry: (1) she’s not doing what you think she should do, what you know she should do, and what you want her to do; and (2) she’ll end up with the same frustrations and war wounds you’ve had in your life.
I’m going to say something shocking: get good at being a worse parent. Don’t try so hard to do so many things for your kids. Don’t be the one to solve their problems. It’s better to say, “I don’t have a clue what the answer to that question is, but google it and let me know what you find.” That’s much healthier for you and your child than telling him. It keeps the tennis ball of discovery on his side of life’s net.
When a powerful person runs into another powerful person, neither likes it. The fur flies, but both take a step back out of respect because they realize the other person is not going to be easily fooled, manipulated, or talked into something they don’t believe.
If you were taught as a child to be powerful, and you’re playing the power game as an adult in your home, it’s time to reflect on your background—what made you progress from attention-seeking to power-driven. Until you help yourself, you can’t help your child.
Two powerful people will never be able to coexist peacefully.
Discipline or Punishment?
Good discipline strives to teach a valuable lesson. Punishment says, “I’m going to make you feel really bad for what you did. So take this . . .”
Discipline is a gentle but firm way of setting your kid straight on an issue. Believe it or not, every time you do that in a calm, reasoned manner, your stock goes up in your kid’s eyes. To use your kid’s terminology, “Hey, you don’t mess with my mom and dad. They’re not fools. You can’t just tell them anything. They won’t fall for it.”
Are you a parent who commands—note I didn’t say demands—respect?
Most people say that if you discipline a child, it needs to be done as close to the infraction as possible, timewise. But that isn’t always true, especially with older children. Sometimes, parent, you have to wait. If the kid smart-mouths you in the morning, you wait until after school, when he says, “Okay, it’s time to go to Sam’s house.”
Then you pull the rug out from under him. “Honey, I’m sorry, but you aren’t going anywhere tonight.”
I can guarantee you’ll get a dropped jaw, some exclamations flying, and/or a major blowout. That child will be angry.
“But Mom, we have to pick him up to go to Little League with us!”
So you explain that you’re not going to Little League and that he’s going to have to call Sam to explain why he can’t give him a ride.
Or if he’s older, he says, “But Mom, I told Todd we’d be at the movie theater at 7:00, and the girls we’ve been trying to get to go out with us will be there too.”
Don’t fall for the boo-hoo lines. Your son won’t be a happy camper, but neither are you, because of how he dissed you in the morning. Don’t back down, or you’ll lose all the ground you gained.
“I understand you’re mad and disappointed,” you tell him, “but you can’t imagine how disappointed and upset I was this morning when you said to me . . .”
You have to understand that your powerful kid is in a contest of wills with you over who is in authority over whom. Kids who have already moved from attention to power are those who are discouraged—life isn’t working out the way they thought it should, so they’ve ramped up their powerful behavior. Kids at the power-driven level will stay there forever, stirring things up and making chaos out of your home and family life, as long as it pays off for them.
Now that you know that, what will you do in your next power struggle?
If you back down, you reward the behavior. If you stand firm and continue to stand firm, you provide a negative consequence to the powerful behavior.
Give your kid credit for being as smart as he is.
He’ll figure things out.
Turning a Powerful Kid Around
A father talked with me, tears streaming down his cheeks, about his concern for his 12-year-old son. He was the class bully and always causing trouble at school and everywhere else he went. He never studied, never completed homework, and argued with his parents and siblings. He was the spark that turned their home into a smoking bomb. The father had tried punishment—taking his Xbox away, grounding him. Nothing worked.
His son shrugged and had the attitude of “Do what you want; it doesn’t bother me at all.”
That’s because a powerful kid won’t give you the satisfaction of letting on that anything you do would bother him. He’s saying, “I don’t care.”
So I walked the dad through this conversation, which he ended up having with his son:
“Son, you’re in junior high now. I don’t know what you plan on doing in life, what kind of car you plan on driving, what section of town you’re going to live in, or what kind of job you’ll have. Those things will have a lot to do with how you apply yourself at school and work, and how you get along with other people.
“I love you. I’m your dad. I’d take a bullet for you. But as your dad, I’m worried. It seems more important for you to show others that you’re right and everybody else is wrong than it is to do what you need to do in order to be successful in life. I’m not so sure you’re not going to be one of the guys at the car wash, washing cars the rest of your life. Maybe you think that would be cool. What you aspire to be. And you’d make enough money to buy a pack of cigarettes.
“I want you to take a look around this house. It didn’t come without hard work from your mom and me. You’re only 12. You’ve only got six more years to serve in this jail that you find so unfair to you. You can serve the rest of your time with a smile, and we’ll smile back. Or you can make things rough on yourself and everybody in this home.
“For whatever reason, you’re getting your jollies out of trying to control the entire family, and you live to antagonize your sister. But it came to me the other day that, most likely, you and your sister will be in each other’s weddings someday.”
Kid: “Yeah, she is my sister.”
“I was thinking, too, about how you treat your little brother. I know he can be a real pest sometimes, but I think I just put two and two together. I could be wrong on this, and I’d love to hear what you think. I figure you put your brother down all the time to make yourself feel better because you see him as a threat. But let me ask you. What kind of grades do you get in math? And what does your brother struggle with in school more than any other subject?”
Kid: “Math. He’s stupid.”
“I thought we were making progress, and here you say he’s stupid. You could have stopped at ‘math.’ You didn’t have to add that he’s stupid. But there’s something in you that makes you automatically put your brother down. I’m only the dad here, but if I told you the number of times your brother has come to me, crying his eyes out because he doesn’t feel like you love him, you might be surprised. Do you remember in fifth grade when you got in so much trouble with your mother because you beat the tar out of a kid who called your brother names?”
Kid: “Yeah.” A little smirk appears.
“Then tell me the truth right now, and look me in the eyes. Do you love your brother?”
Kid: “Yeah.” He ducks his head a little.
“Then do you really have to put him down to make yourself feel better?”
Kid: “I guess not.”
“I know I can’t make you into something you’re not. But I believe in my heart that you know the right thing to do. Tomorrow we’re going to start over again with a clean slate. I hope and pray for your sake that it goes better than today. I hope you’re willing to give it a try.”
Then I told that dad to hug his kid and tell him again that he loved him.
What did I walk that father through? How to tell his kid in plain, simple terms about the realities of life without setting off his defenses. Remember that this dad was talking to a member of the hormone group. Adolescents are weird by nature, and everything is exaggerated at this stage in life. They talk in “always” and “never”: “You always do this.” “You never let me do that.” They speak in black-and-white and absolutes.
Also, the dad was throwing his son a bone to think about: “Most likely, you and your sister will be in each other’s weddings someday.”
The entire focus of the conversation was moving from the negative side of the attention-getting, power-driven goals to the positive side.
I also told the dad to look for positive behavior. The very next day, that kid could have said something snotty to his brother, but he said something nice instead. The father pulled the older brother aside later and said, “I was really pleased to watch what you did today. I could almost feel you were going to give your brother a cheap shot. I’m glad you didn’t and that you’re learning it’s a choice. Son, you made the right choice. Made me feel so good as a dad that you’re maturing and making the right decisions.”
The father rewarded his son with positive attention to curb his attention-seeking, and also began the journey of helping his son learn how to turn his power-driven behavior into something positive.
What you can do
Here’s what I mean. A well-meaning parent takes his 5-year-old kid to Walmart to look at toys a couple of days before Thanksgiving. The father is thinking, What a smart parent I am. This way I can find out what kind of toys my kid likes so I can shop the sales for Christmas. He’s patting himself on the back.
What does the 5-year-old want? Everything.
Why? Because he’s 5 years old, and that means he will naturally have a short attention span and poor impulse control. Even more, delay-of-gratification skills are null and void at age 5. Those things will hopefully be fine-tuned as he matures.
So that father unwittingly walks himself and his son right into a power struggle. Too bad there isn’t a sign at Walmart in the toy section: “Attention: You’re About to Enter a Danger Zone.”
The kid doesn’t fall for the dad’s line, “We’re just seeing what toys you like so we can tell Aunt Anita what you’d like for Christmas.” To him, Christmas is abstract, and those weeks away might as well be a millennium and a star system away.
And how will he respond if he’s a powerful kid? He’s about to let the whole store know exactly what he thinks about walking out without a boatload of those toys.
Parents need to think before they speak and act (as hard as that is to do sometimes). Otherwise they set up situations that allow their kid’s power to flourish even more.
The best predictor of future behavior is what’s happened before. That means we need to be aware of those checkered flags in life that will start the kid’s power racing and know not even to get close. We need to anticipate what will happen, especially if it’s a regular power struggle that happens often.
For example, if it sparks a battle to tell your 10-year-old he has to eat his oatmeal because it’s good for him, why go there? There are more things in the world to eat for breakfast than oatmeal, aren’t there? I know one child who only eats dinner foods for breakfast. She hates breakfast foods, and she’s lactose-intolerant, which cuts out a lot of them anyway.
So who made you the authority on what a kid has to eat for breakfast, as long as what he eats gives him good fuel for his brain and body?
Instead, casually say to your child as he’s chowing down on an after-school snack, “I need to go to the grocery store in the next day or two. What kind of things would you like me to get that you might like to eat for breakfast?” Then, smart parent that you are, you purchase the healthy items on your kid’s list. That way he gets what he wants to eat, and you know he’s eating healthy, which makes you smile. You’ve also halted the power struggle by anticipating the battle and coming up with Plan B.
Why not avoid those areas in which you’ve had trouble in the past?
Avoiding is different than placating. When you placate, you give in so the kid will shut up. That only tells him he’s on the right path for getting what he wants.
But you can gently take your powerful buzzard by the beak in a calm, controlled, pre-thought-out manner that will leave your child scratching his head, wondering what’s up with Mom or Dad.
Then you’ve got ’em right where you want ’em.
Disarming your power-driven child will only happen if you change your thinking, your approach, and the words you choose to say, and you respond rather than react.
For those of you who are married, it’s very important that you and your spouse get on the same page and stay on the same page. If only one of you is consistent and the other is all over the map, your power-driven child will ramp up her power, and she’ll use it to divide you. Both of you have to stick to your guns in a united effort.
Instead of reacting in emotion, saying, “Why on earth would you do something like that?” try this instead: “You must really have been frustrated or angry to do that. Do you want to talk about it?”
Such an approach doesn’t diss the kid, but it does put that ball of responsibility directly in her court, not yours.
If you get the brick-wall response—in other words, you might as well be talking to one—let it go for now. That kid may be absolutely silent but is saying loudly, “I don’t give a rip what you think or say.” So, parent, back off. When you aren’t pushing her direction, she’ll come yours. It’s an amazing relational phenomenon.
Responding rather than reacting also means you don’t take any cheap shots. You don’t make the kid wallow in his attitude or mistake. Like the dad in this chapter who shot straight with his son, you allow the child to start fresh the next day.
You know your child’s trigger points, just as he knows yours. Certain body language and expressions will set him off. Keep in mind that you’re the power source. So in order to power him down, you need to power yourself down.
Take these responses out of your vocabulary:
If you keep yourself out of your child’s grasp by not allowing yourself to react emotionally, there’s a lesser chance you’re going to be tricked or coerced into saying or doing anything that sparks the whole situation all over again.
Your kid will power up if you power up.
Your kid will power down if you power down.
I guarantee it.
Powerful Ideas That Work
My husband and I both changed jobs in the same year. I could no longer pick Becky up from her grade school, and Andi, her little sister, had to go to preschool rather than staying home with me since I no longer worked from home.
Becky was a great student, but her grades started slipping. I got notes that she was being disruptive in class. One day she set a fire in her homeroom teacher’s garbage can. When I asked her why she did it, she said, “To get a laugh.” I remembered what you’d said in a parenting seminar about kids who sought attention—that if they didn’t get it, they moved on to make you pay attention. Wow. That was us.
My husband and I decided to juggle work schedules so one of us could drop off the girls in the morning and the other one could pick them up. I’m hoping my boss will soon approve my request to work a day from home. It’s not a perfect setup—neither is life!—but we’re working on it.
Tammy, New Hampshire
Power Points