That powerful child has everything to do with you, your background, and your views of parenting.
Having kids is a little like having a puppy. There, I said it. In previous books I’ve tried not to say it, but the older I get, the more I see the similarities.
With puppies, you have to take time for training; otherwise, they’ll pee on your Berber carpet.
But in order to train them, you have to pay attention to what they’re doing. When Fido starts to get in that position on the floor where you know he’s going to go potty, you pick him up as quickly as you can, take him outside, and plop him in a grassy area.
He gets the idea and goes potty.
You pat his head, then give him a treat.
Pretty soon the dog understands that, as convenient as it is to go potty on the Berber carpet, the carpet doesn’t really have good smells. But outside, on the grass, there are all kinds of wonderful smells. Even better, when he goes potty on the grass, he gets a treat afterward.
Soon the process becomes a learned habit. Our dog, Rosie, is 9 years old, but she still gets a treat when she goes outside to do her business. Lately, just to show what a smart dog she is, she’s been waking me up at 1:30 a.m. and then again at 4:40 a.m., wanting to go outside. I take her outside and give her a treat.
My wife, who thinks she’s a better psychologist than I am, says, “Leemie, she’s workin’ ya.”
Funny how Rosie goes to my side of the bed, because she knows that I’ll get up and Sande won’t.
She probably is working me. Rosie looks around and decides, Hey, I want a treat. If I wake up that fat guy, he’ll open the door, and I’ll go out, pretend to do my business, and get a treat when I come back in.
Only I’m not quite that dumb. When she stands at the door and looks at me, then won’t go out the door, I’ve got her number. She really doesn’t have to go; she is just working me.
So I don’t give her a treat, and I go back to bed.
Ain’t Got No Respect
Have you ever been around an unruly dog, one that jumps up on you, climbs all over you, and scratches you? It’s not a fun experience. Kids who aren’t brought up to be respectful, don’t have respect for others’ property, and have a mouth on them aren’t fun to be around either.
That’s why it’s important for parents to be parents and to take time for training their children. Mutual respect should be enforced at all times. Powerful children are not allowed to order their mother, father, sister, or brother around. People should follow the Golden Rule at all times—treat others the way you’d want to be treated.
I love watching my grandchildren, Conner and Adeline, when they meet people. They’re very polite, saying, “Thank you” and “Nice to meet you.” They’re kind, considerate, and fun to be around.
That’s because our daughter Krissy and her husband, Dennis, have made it a priority to train their children in the way they should go, and they provide an environment of mutual respect, kindness, and balanced discipline when it is needed.
You see, behavior is learned. You acclimate to whatever environment you’re in.
I had a professor friend who could never get up by himself; his wife had to wake him up because he’d sleep through his alarm. Yet when he traveled, he’d take along a little Westclox fold-up alarm clock that clicked before it dinged. Every time, he’d wake up with the soft click.
Your child, too, will acclimate to whatever environment he’s in. If he knows that Mom and Dad will bail him out, he’ll get himself into a lot of situations and then act helpless. With Mom and Dad running interference, he becomes more and more powerful in his behavior, yet weaker in his personality and less able to deal with life on his own.
If Mom and Dad rigidly control a child’s life, not allowing him to even make a mistake, then he will find ways to rebel against that authority, whether quietly or openly.
But why would parents choose either to let their children run all over them or to control their children’s lives so rigidly they can barely breathe?
It’s so much easier to evaluate other people’s kids, isn’t it, and to be blinded by your own?
How you parent has everything to do with the way you grew up, and your own screenplay that you developed as a result. Now your kids are taking their emotional notes from you.
When Do You Count?
I have a question for you. If you had to complete the statement, “I only count when . . .” what would you say?
Remember that all of us tend to act out whatever our worldview and our birth order tell us. So many of us believe the lie that we only count when we achieve, or win the prize, or serve others. These opinions were reinforced within the social context of our family as we grew older.
If you’re the responsible one in your family, most likely there’s a reason for it. You are a firstborn. When your parents wanted something done, they didn’t call in Little Missikins. In fact, if you’d asked her to point north, she’d only have a one in four chance of getting it right. But you, with your competitive spirit combined with a tad of perfectionism, stayed up all night studying for a chemistry exam. And that artwork you created for your science project never did measure up to what you thought it should be.
Let’s face it: you’re good at finding flaws in others, but you’re much rougher on yourself. In fact, you distinctly remember confiding to a girlfriend at lunch during your senior year that you felt lucky to have received such a high grade on your English test. You had a hard time accepting that you were such a good student, because a little voice inside you said you could have done better.
“Rest and relaxation” is not your middle name. If you’re honest with yourself, driven describes you, doesn’t it? And no wonder. Your dad was always talking about how proud he was of you. He insisted you apply to the most prestigious university in the United States, even though going there took most of his retirement money. Or perhaps your dad was determined you were going to win the Cy Young Award for the best baseball pitcher.
You heard your parents talking about you, and the ante was upped.
Your Growing-Up Years
Did you grow up in a home where your parents told you exactly what to do and when to do it, and they threatened you with dire consequences if you didn’t do what they said? If you grew up with two parents who couldn’t even agree if the sky was blue, then you got a devastating double dose of power-mongering.
Or did you grow up in a home where you got away with anything, and there were never any consequences?
What life themes did you form as a result?
I only count when I do what I’m supposed to do—when I make others happy.
I only count when I’m in charge.
The life themes you’ve developed have everything to do with how you parent your own children.
Does your child only count if they score that basket? If they win a national merit scholarship? If they get into a prestigious school? Or do they count because they are a unique creation of a very creative God and have talents and abilities to offer the world to make it a better place?
If you had a lousy relationship with your mom or dad, guess who will pay for it? Those close to you in your own home now. You’ll be on a short fuse, grow angry easily, and be prone to power struggles with the child most like you.
If you were an attention-getting child who moved on to become a power-driven child, you’re probably the parent who butts heads the most with your powerful child. Powerful kids don’t like other powerful people, but they do respect them.
If you were rigidly controlled by your parents, you’ll tend to be more of an authoritarian parent.
If you lived in the anything-goes home, you’ll tend to be more of a permissive parent.
We always say we’ll never parent like our parents did, yet we make the same mistakes they do—over and over—unless we make an active choice to be and to act different.
The Authoritarian Parent: “Mother/Father Knows Best”
We adults are creatures of habit. We assume that since we are adults, we know more than our children. That makes us superior and them inferior . . . or so the reasoning goes. We know what’s best for our kids, so we hold the parental hammer of authority above their heads. It’s called the authoritarian view of parenting, and it creates tyrants who strive to put some of the power back in their own court.
Authoritarian parents are as headstrong as their children. They return power for power. The authoritarian stance may work when your kids are young and can be controlled, but watch out when they grow up. They’ll rebel in more ways than you can imagine.
Most of child rearing is based on superior/inferior relationships:
What is that parent saying? Adults are bigger than and thus better than children. That’s the traditional view of parents. For example, in 1960, when Kennedy was president of the United States, men were considered better than women, and women better than children.
That meant it was okay to embarrass the heck out of a kid in order to accomplish your purposes. “Johnny, Mrs. Smith has just given you a great gift, and you should say, ‘Thank you.’”
You are the best teacher of your child. The question is, what exactly are you teaching her? If you’re always telling your kid what to do, making decisions for her, hovering over her, that’s pretty disrespectful. Your child will see that as a put-down—and rightfully so.
In a democratic society, if you have the right to put me down, what right do I have? To put you down.
No wonder a powerful adult begets a powerful child.
It’s true that without you, your child couldn’t buy her own underwear. But then again, someday that child may be the one buying you Depends.
The Permissive Parent: “Whatever You Want, Dear”
The permissive method of parenting tends to create one thing—tyrants. If you have a demanding child, it’s likely because you (or your spouse, if you’re married) are a permissive parent. You do everything within your power to keep your little power-hungry sucker happy. You give her the car keys even though she’s had two speeding tickets.
But as I said in my book Have a New Kid by Friday, an unhappy child is a healthy child. There are times your powerful child should be unhappy, because he acted inappropriately and disrespectfully and you want to curb his powerful nature. If he is to have a chance of living a happy life, he has to figure out he isn’t the center of the universe. Life isn’t all about him. Other people’s ideas and opinions are worthwhile; he can learn from them.
One upset mom told me that her son wasn’t liked by his peers. As she explained further, I could see why. The kid sounded like a powerful brat. Honestly, who would want to be friends with a kid like that?
I said, “This sounds like a teachable moment for your son. Someone needs to bring to his attention why other kids don’t like him. If he doesn’t know, he can’t have the opportunity to make a change.”
The mom was incensed. “How dare you! My son is just fine. It’s all the other kids who have a problem.”
No, lady, I thought. You are your son’s problem.
Mama Bear needed to stop protecting Baby Bear’s tail and making excuses for him. Until then, no progress could ever be made.
In my experience, many enabling moms who are ultraprotective and allow themselves to be controlled and manipulated by their powerful children have been hurt by life themselves. They are wounded doves and have often experienced abuse—in their growing-up years or perhaps in a current or previous marriage.
Permissive parents are the ones who wring their hands and drag their rebellious child to a shrink at $225 an hour so he can be labeled with “oppositional defiant disorder” to excuse his behavior. Whereas what they really need to do is to take the bull by the horns and talk to the kid themselves. “Son, there is some common ground that we must all walk on in this family. We must be respectful and civil to each other. The reality is, you’re 18 years old. You can find yourself an apartment and do whatever you want to do. But as long as you’re living under this roof, you are not going to talk disrespectfully to anyone in this house, and you will live under our guidelines.”
Parents today seem to have a high need to be liked by their children. Others go out of their way to make themselves “cool” in hopes that their kid will like them. But think for a minute how stupid that is. Your child can and will have many friends in his lifetime. But he will only have one or two parents.
You, parent, are the key to your child’s success. If you allow your child to unleash his power, he’ll be like a great white shark devouring his prey. You won’t be able to feed him enough. Powerful kids feed off of situations where they are the winner—which means, of course, that someone else is the loser. This wreaks havoc with the entire family.
The Authoritative Parent: The Balanced View
Children may not always like their parents, but they long for someone who will draw the guidelines, since guidelines mean safety. Without guidelines and boundaries, the child feels insecure. As adults, we’ve lived longer and have experienced more than our kids. It doesn’t mean our kids are less worthy, but they haven’t experienced as many consequences for their actions as we have.
One person isn’t better than another, but as a parent, you agree that you are charged with a whole different set of responsibilities. If you don’t think that’s true, take a look at the difference between the way that minors and adults who commit the same crime are treated.
So you’re the adult here; act like one. Be the parent you need to be. If you don’t understand that basic principle, then life will not go well for you as a parent or for your child, either now or in the future.
When you’re an authoritative parent, you realize your role is to be in proper authority over your children. Because you love them, you provide them with a home, food, security, education, and some of the amenities of life. You stay up with them at night when they’re sick, you clean up their doo-doo, and you pick them up when they call you from places where they don’t want to be . . . but somehow ended up there.
First John 5:19 says we’re children of God. And though God is the supreme authority, he’s not an authoritarian who gives out edicts and tells us what we have to do. He gives free choice (which gets us in trouble sometimes). But God also isn’t a permissive parent who says, “Oh, that’s okay. Anything goes.”
As parents, instead of uttering almighty edicts from above, we have to give our children age-appropriate choices. Sometimes they may choose wisely, other times not wisely. And with those choices come consequences—for good or for ill.
If your child’s behavior works, he’ll keep doing it . . . until it no longer reaps rewards.
A Solid Foundation
My lovely wife, Mrs. Uppington, would tell you I’m not very handy around the house. In fact, I’m still trying to memorize the names of the tools so when she tells me what she needs, I can bring her the right one. Yet, since I’ve walked the earth for six decades, even I know that a building needs a solid foundation. If the foundation isn’t right, the whole building is off.
Years ago, as a child, I learned a song with the words, “The wise man built his house upon the rock . . . and the foolish man built his house upon the sand.” And we all know the story of the three little pigs. Only one of those piggies was smart enough to build his house out of bricks. It took him longer, but it was well worth it.
The society we live in today is a dangerous one. There are plenty of big bad wolves out there that will devour your child without batting an eye.
What kind of foundation are you giving your kids? Sand? Straw? Twigs? Or cement blocks? If you use anything other than cement, it’s not a good idea. I know that because Mrs. Uppington, the mechanic, told me. She even proved it to me while she was laying brick around the house. I saw it with my own two eyes as I sipped a can of Pepsi.
So what does your child want the most?
Those are the foundations that are like cement blocks: firm and there to stay for a lifetime.
What kind of parent do you tend to be now? Authoritarian? Permissive? How might you change to be that balanced, authoritative parent you need to be—for your own welfare and for your child’s?
Powerful Ideas That Work
I had no idea how much my experience with my abusive father has impacted my relationship with my son until last year. Hal had always been a tough kid to control, and it didn’t help when my husband and I divorced. Then Hal hardly ever saw his father. He got more and more disrespectful toward me and called me names. I took it, and he dished out more.
Then I heard you talk about how women who were abused when they were growing up often own up to responsibility that isn’t theirs, and that I wasn’t put on this earth to be somebody’s doormat. I took a stand and told my son that as long as he lived in my home, he would act respectfully toward me. He looked at me, shocked, and called me a name I won’t repeat. I told him to leave. After he’d slept a couple nights at a friend’s house, he showed up back at home and apologized.
It’s been three months since he moved back in. He no longer blames me for his father leaving, and I don’t see him as a reflection of his father. For both of us, that’s a good start.
Marilee, Wyoming
Power Points