“Well, leave then bitch like the rest of them,” I yelled to Fu’s back. I thought he would turn around, but he never even looked back.

It had been two days since I’d put my baby into the ground, threw dirt on top of him and walked away. I constantly blamed myself for his death, but I also blamed my family. The only person who helped me was my mama. My brothers and sister made it seem like they did so much for my kids when they really didn’t. All Game did was throw money at them and Kayla just posted them on Facebook and Snapchat pretending to be the number one Auntie, when in reality, she went months without talking to my kids.

Everyone had been tiptoeing around me, but I knew that they blamed me. Game could barely say two words to me, Kayla gave me these pitiful smiles, my youngest brother tried his best to comfort me, and my mama had my daughter. I think she only took her because she was afraid that something would happen to her too. Mario had had Tae Tae for a little while now and even though he was there for me during the funeral, I’d heard he had a little girlfriend. Fuck him. Fuck everybody. Everyone was supposedly so concerned about me at the funeral, but since then, not one person had reached out. I’d sit in this house in my bed all day, alone.

Fu was the only person to come and see me and I just wanted him to feel for me the way I felt for him. Fu and I had been friends since we were teenagers, and all the while he referred to me as his best friend, never knowing that I wanted more. We would flirt every now and then, but he never took me serious, claiming Game would kill him if he ever touched any one of his sisters. Funny how he dropped that motto. Now, he was fucking my baby sister and he looked at me like I was the shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Didn’t he know that my heart hurt so bad after losing Trey? Did anybody know? Every day I thought that I would literally die of a broken heart. My oldest son had been hanging from the shower rod ten feet away from my bed. I couldn’t even look in the direction of the bathroom. Every time I tried to turn the knob to go in, I broke down and cried, never opening the door. I hadn’t showered since the funeral and I didn’t plan to. There was no need. Mario didn’t want me, Fu didn’t want me, none of my kids were with me, nothing was going right for me, and a couple of times I questioned whether I should just go ahead and be with Trey. How would I get by without my oldest born? We grew up together. I didn’t know shit about being a mom when I had him, so as I was teaching him, he was teaching me.

“LORD WHY?!” I hollered. My voice echoed against the vibrations of the wall. “Why did you take my fucking baby?”

I rose from the bed and walked towards my baby’s room. I came here about three times a day, each time walking away before I got into the room. Today would be the day that I would actually go in. I needed to be closer to my baby. I turned the doorknob, slowly taking a deep breath before the door finally opened. The whiff of crayons and glue hit my nose instantly and I melted. Trey’s room was just like it was the day that he died. His cobalt blue comforter was thrown lazily across his bed, and his Nintendo controllers were on the floor so I went to pick them up. I’d told this boy a million times not to leave his things on the floor. I’d paid a pretty penny for this damn game.

I couldn’t help but smile to myself remembering how mad Trey would get whenever his sister bothered his things. She was never allowed in his room, so if anything was out of order, he knew that she had been the culprit. My smile slowly faded and tears instantly began to fall. I would never hear my babies fussing again. I curled up in his bed hugging his pillow tight. With time, I hoped that I would come to terms with what happened to my son and the role that I played in what happened. Today would be hard, and the day after that, and maybe even a month after that. It would just be me and my memories and things that I wished I had done differently. Most of all, I wished that I would have made Trey his pancakes.